Doubt

[lostjak]

It's been a month now since I left. There's a lot rolling around in my head, mostly to do with doubt. I'm the one who left. I thought, stupidly, that we could work together and grow back together. I didn't realise my leaving because I couldn't stand all the crazy stuff anymore was a betrayal. I thought it was a wake up call. I wanted contact so of course, she didn't. She wanted everyone to think all the problems were me... .she set the stage so well that even I am questioning it. Everything she does is so carefully orchestrated so she doesn't appear to have a problem. Was it me all along? Why do I want contact and she doesn't? How can she tell me how much she is hurting and waiting for me to come home, only to add I want NC? It's all a game and I have to keep telling myself that, but it's hard. I miss what I wished she was when she could manage it. Lol that sound ridiculous. Another day to get through. Weekends are the hardest, especially when I have something to do because I just wish she was doing it with me. But I know this is best. She's changed me and I have to relearn how to be me. I doubt everything right now, especially about me. After all, how can I be trusted after getting myself into such a mess.

You know something that is really hurting me, her family told me over and over that I was family, no matter what. I could count on them. Not a word from them. She has set up the scene that it was all me, I was the problem, and they bought it. Is it me? Doubt again. It's not and I know that in my heart... .but... .she does set a scene well.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

It's been a month now since I left.

But I know this is best. She's changed me and I have to relearn how to be me. I doubt everything right now, especially about me. After all, how can I be trusted after getting myself into such a mess.

Hey lostjak,

I am sorry you are in pain.   I can so relate to your question of how I can I be trusted after getting yourself into such a mess.   I have thought and felt this so many times!

And while it is factually true that we did get into this mess of a r/s,  it is no less true that WE GOT OURSELVES OUT OF THIS MESS (or are getting out).   This fact is just as important or maybe even more important.   Yes, we f*cked up but we are fixing it now.   So we are proving to ourselves that we can be trusted.   Maybe,  however,  like all r/s's,  it takes "a minute" to prove our trustworthiness.  For me,  everyday I do not return to that destructive r/s I prove myself to myself a bit more.

Thanks for provoking this thought for me.   

Hang in there!   We are fighting the good fight... .fighting for ourselves