What Can I Expect Now

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was in a lesbian relationship with my ex for 12 years.  Approximately a year and a half ago she walked out with little or no warning.  She left for a week the first time she left.  she came back stating she wanted to try and repair the relationship.  One week later she left and returned only to get some of her personal things and her furniture. She was very cold about the split.  Could not give any concrete reason.  Just said she wasn't happy and she could not do anything right in the relationship.  She also accused me of not liking her parents.  She moved back into their home and then they moved back to Michigan and would not tell me where or how to contact them.  Her mother said that her daughter need a clean break from me.

I have tried to figure out why she left without discussing the situation and moreover she did this without any emotion at all.  Just a matter of fact attitude about what I considered to be a heartbreaking action on her part.

I keep waiting to hear from her.  Not necessarily an effort to reconcile but just to let me know how she is and where she is... .  Should I expect this contact to ever happen? How do I forgive and forget or is this even possible? 

[stillcant believe]

I was in a lesbian relationship with my ex for 12 years.  Approximately a year and a half ago she walked out with little or no warning.  She left for a week the first time she left.  she came back stating she wanted to try and repair the relationship.  One week later she left and returned only to get some of her personal things and her furniture. She was very cold about the split.  Could not give any concrete reason.  Just said she wasn't happy and she could not do anything right in the relationship.  She also accused me of not liking her parents.  She moved back into their home and then they moved back to Michigan and would not tell me where or how to contact them.  Her mother said that her daughter need a clean break from me.

I have tried to figure out why she left without discussing the situation and moreover she did this without any emotion at all.  Just a matter of fact attitude about what I considered to be a heartbreaking action on her part.

I keep waiting to hear from her.  Not necessarily an effort to reconcile but just to let me know how she is and where she is... .  Should I expect this contact to ever happen? How do I forgive and forget or is this even possible? 

[Kelli Cornett]

I'm sorry to hear that Istillcan'tbelieve! It's very awful and alarming to put so much effort into something to have the person just leave with no emotion and care.

She sounds extremely immature and incapable of intimacy like most BPD's or perhaps she may be very Narc? The not wanting to show emotions sounds very Narc. My ex was the same way.


I think the best thing would be to let her go. She may contact you in time and I guess chose if you want to speak with her or not than.

But let yourself heal. Easier said than done, I know!

[cosmonaut]

Hi stillcant believe,



That's a heartbreaking story, and I'm so sorry for your pain.  I went through similar with my ex.  She broke up with me and disappeared from the face of the earth too.  It was very hard to deal with and it was agonizingly painful.  We never expect that the love of our life would do that to us.  To have your partner abandon you after 12 years together must have been head spinning.  Especially when she was not even able to give you clear reasons why.  My ex was exactly the same.  She seemed to struggle herself to understand why she felt the way she did.  It's hard for us to understand how someone could do something like that, but it is, unfortunately, not at all uncommon with the disorder.  Many of us here have been through similar.  So, we can understand.  I'm sorry you're going through this as well.

pwBPD push us away because emotional intimacy is very confusing and chaotic for them.  It stirs up a storm of overwhelming emotions that they don't have any healthy way of regulating or coping with.  So, they result to a much more destructive and primitive set of coping mechanisms - one of which is running away.  It's a desperate attempt to flee the emotion, and often those emotions are fear and shame.  pwBPD have a tremendous fear of abandonment.  Maybe you noticed this with your ex.  But they also have a fear of getting too close.  This is the fear of engulfment.  They both are rooted in the developmental failures in early childhood that result in the disorder.  pwBPD were not able to form an autonomous "self", and as a consequence they seek out attachments in order to find a partner whose self they can fuse with, and thus hope to become "whole".  Of course, this can't work out.  pwBPD can only become whole by completing the formation of an autonomous self themselves.  The result of this unhealthy fusion is that our partners are terrified of losing the attachment (and thus a self), but also terrified of being swallowed up in the attachment (of being such a tiny little undeveloped self that they cease to exist).  The result of this is that pwBPD go through push/pull cycles in their relationships as they cycle between fears of engulfment and abandonment.  Eventually this can become so overwhelming, that our partners flee the relationship entirely.  This is likely what happened with your ex.

It's hard to say when your ex may contact you.  Sometimes pwBPD reconnect and sometimes they don't.  There's no way to predict what will happen in any individual case.  It does seem anecdotally among members that hearing something eventually is more common than not.  It may be quite a long while, however.  Some members go years or even decades before hearing anything again.  Other times it may only be a few weeks or months.  Again, there's just no way to predict what will happen.   I'm so sorry if that's distressing for you.  It was for me.  I just want to tell you the truth so you can have a realistic expectation of what might happen.

Detaching and acceptance are the ways to forgive and move on.  These are not easy to do, but the first step is to start looking at ourselves and our role in the relationship.  Seeing how we were also seeking something in the relationship and finding out what that was.  For many of us here, there were some very old and deep core wounds that were driving the formation of such a loaded bond.  Our partners were soothing these wounds and when they leave we are not only left with the grief of losing our lover, but also the profound pain of having those wounds no longer soothed.  As we start to learn more about ourselves and about BPD we eventually are able to accept our partner for who they are - a person with a terrible disorder.  And we are able to accept ourselves as we are too.

Hang in there, stillcant believe.  This is a very hard experience for anyone.  It was a truly agonizing one for me.  You're among people who can very much understand what you are going through, however, and we are all here to support you.  You're not alone.

[ZeusRLX]

Hi stillcant believe,



That's a heartbreaking story, and I'm so sorry for your pain.  I went through similar with my ex.  She broke up with me and disappeared from the face of the earth too.  It was very hard to deal with and it was agonizingly painful.  We never expect that the love of our life would do that to us.  To have your partner abandon you after 12 years together must have been head spinning.  Especially when she was not even able to give you clear reasons why.  My ex was exactly the same.  She seemed to struggle herself to understand why she felt the way she did.  It's hard for us to understand how someone could do something like that, but it is, unfortunately, not at all uncommon with the disorder.  Many of us here have been through similar.  So, we can understand.  I'm sorry you're going through this as well.

pwBPD push us away because emotional intimacy is very confusing and chaotic for them.  It stirs up a storm of overwhelming emotions that they don't have any healthy way of regulating or coping with.  So, they result to a much more destructive and primitive set of coping mechanisms - one of which is running away.  It's a desperate attempt to flee the emotion, and often those emotions are fear and shame.  pwBPD have a tremendous fear of abandonment.  Maybe you noticed this with your ex.  But they also have a fear of getting too close.  This is the fear of engulfment.  They both are rooted in the developmental failures in early childhood that result in the disorder.  pwBPD were not able to form an autonomous "self", and as a consequence they seek out attachments in order to find a partner whose self they can fuse with, and thus hope to become "whole".  Of course, this can't work out.  pwBPD can only become whole by completing the formation of an autonomous self themselves.  The result of this unhealthy fusion is that our partners are terrified of losing the attachment (and thus a self), but also terrified of being swallowed up in the attachment (of being such a tiny little undeveloped self that they cease to exist).  The result of this is that pwBPD go through push/pull cycles in their relationships as they cycle between fears of engulfment and abandonment.  Eventually this can become so overwhelming, that our partners flee the relationship entirely.  This is likely what happened with your ex.

It's hard to say when your ex may contact you.  Sometimes pwBPD reconnect and sometimes they don't.  There's no way to predict what will happen in any individual case.  It does seem anecdotally among members that hearing something eventually is more common than not.  It may be quite a long while, however.  Some members go years or even decades before hearing anything again.  Other times it may only be a few weeks or months.  Again, there's just no way to predict what will happen.   I'm so sorry if that's distressing for you.  It was for me.  I just want to tell you the truth so you can have a realistic expectation of what might happen.

Detaching and acceptance are the ways to forgive and move on.  These are not easy to do, but the first step is to start looking at ourselves and our role in the relationship.  Seeing how we were also seeking something in the relationship and finding out what that was.  For many of us here, there were some very old and deep core wounds that were driving the formation of such a loaded bond.  Our partners were soothing these wounds and when they leave we are not only left with the grief of losing our lover, but also the profound pain of having those wounds no longer soothed.  As we start to learn more about ourselves and about BPD we eventually are able to accept our partner for who they are - a person with a terrible disorder.  And we are able to accept ourselves as we are too.

Hang in there, stillcant believe.  This is a very hard experience for anyone.  It was a truly agonizing one for me.  You're among people who can very much understand what you are going through, however, and we are all here to support you.  You're not alone.

Thanks for a really great post. I never thought of vacillating between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment as the push/pull dynamic before.

It's interesting that the concentrations of those fears also vary, I've known people with a fear of engulfment being very acute... to a point where she would say "don't get too close or my feelings might change". Others exhibited very little engulfment fears (that I have seen anyway) but focused more on abandonment.

As far as them leaving for no reason, yep, sounds familiar. Mine told me that her feelings changed and she didn't know why. Can't imagine how much more difficult it is being with them for a long time.

Hang in there stillcantbelieve!

[ZeusRLX]

And as far as the contact... .I second cosmonaut...

Hard to predict but many of them will try to get back at some point.

One of mine got back to me a decade later and tried to start right where we left off. But I did not let her do that so she painted me black permanently I think.

And as far as forgive and forget, it's hard and takes time, lots of time. Many, many years in my case. But it does get easier eventually and then you become more immune to it.

[stillcant believe]

thank you for responses and opinions on this.  please others make comments.  I need help

[JRT]

Hi Still

Really sorry to hear that this had happened to you. When the person that you love and trust the most violates both qualities seemingly in the blink of an eye, its literally unbelievable. It sets us on a ardent path to find meaning in what happened and achieve closure if at all possible. All of us here have a similar story to tell as yours so you came to the right place: we all can relate.

Most here know my story. I was with my exPPDfiance for 2 years. We became engaged, she moved in and after 3 weeks, she broke up via text when I was out of town for work. We NEVER argued nor had she expressed any type of discontent EVER. Our wedding plans were proceeding and we were discussing our future up until the night before I left.

This was 8 months ago and I have not heard from her at all; she blocked me from communicating with her and even unfriended my friends and demanded that her friends do the same on FB (which they all did).  I don't even know where she lives!

I really don't believe that I will ever heard from mine ever again but most BPD's seem to circle back eventually. If you want to encourage that she will, it is really important that you try not to contact her as doing so will likely push her in the wrong direction. It also might be a good idea to mentally prepare for the possibility that she many never reach out, or if she does, what you will say and not say and conduct your self.

[Loosestrife]

Hi

What makes you think your partner has BPD? Did her parents support her being in a same sex relationship? How old is she? Any more information would be useful. I would read the lessons on this board and seek out a therapist for yourself. You must be devastated. You need to look after yourself now and make sure your health doesn't suffer