My moment of Clarity

[MTSAY82]

My wife was diagnosed with BPD a little over two years ago, which I had never heard of prior.  She went through a short stint in therapy before a lay-off cut off our insurance at the time, and she hasn't had any treatment since.  I was concerned as her husband, but I really didn't understand at that point in time how big a detriment the disorder, and the way I was dealing with and reacting to it actually were to our relationship, as well as my own well being.  She's very high functioning, incredibly intelligent, hard working, loving and insightful, and there was never any question that we didn't love each other tremendously, so it couldn't be that serious... right? 

I read up on the disorder at the time to try to get a better understanding of what exactly it was, and how she was effected by it, but in my pursuit of understanding the disorder itself I had failed to look at ways I might actually be able to help improve the situation, and better myself.  Any time conflict or a situation seemingly related to BPD arose my frame of mind was always focused on the disorder and what it was doing to the wife I love so much, rather than trying to constructively look at how I or we might be able to take steps to better the situation... at the very least for myself.  This just brought up feelings of anger and hopelessness for me, which were never going to make things any better.  We would always eventually circle back around to a place of normalcy, but nothing was ever really resolved. 

Then, I got a real wake up call.  She had been gone for a business obligation in a conflicting time-zone, for a longer period than we had ever been apart prior.  We talked almost everyday, and while I knew there were some significant stressors she was dealing with at the time, everything seemed fine to me as far as we were concerned.  Then she was asked just before leaving to return home if she would be able to come back for a final short stint in the next week or two, which she agreed to.  When she got back I could tell something was bothering her.  She was distant and cold to me, and I was having a hard time understanding considering the time we had just spent apart, and knowing that while it would be much shorter, she would be leaving again soon.  I had really missed her, and wanted nothing more than to spend time with her.  After a few short days back, she left the house abruptly to stay with family.  She was very unclear about her specific reasoning, but basically expressed that she wanted our relationship to work, but just didn't know if it was possible and that she needed time to reflect.  I felt devastated... we've had plenty of conflict in the past, but nothing that seemed as serious to me as this situation did.  I really thought it was all over right then and there. 

This happened a little over a week ago today, and I have really struggled, but really grown at the same time.  The first couple nights alone felt unbearable to me... I struggle with anxiety regularly, but this was more than I knew how to handle...   I had trouble eating & sleeping, and just wanted to resolve things then and there for my own comfort and peace of mind.  I felt blindsided and lost.  We stayed in contact, and saw each other for short periods of time at least once a day before she left for the second time around, and I could see that while she was doing her best to appear confident, she was struggling just as much as I was... in her own way. 

It had been a while since I had really put much thought into her BPD, and in a state of desperation I started scouring the web, initially searching for validation and comfort for myself.  It started for me with the search phrase "BP wife wants a divorce" and I was amazed to find not just one, but many accounts from others in eerily similar situations to my own.  This really motivated me to learn more, and as I dove in and started reading more I began to see us, and our past together in a whole new light.  For the first time I began to actually understand that while not my intention at all, I really hadn't been giving her what she needed, and through my actions and communication with her had actually done more to hurt the situation than I had to improve it, despite feeling like I had the best of intentions. 

She had said things in the past that I can see now were definitely hints to what she wanted and needed from me, but I wasn't in a place to really empathize and truly consider her experience.  I felt like I was doing those things for her, and often felt like I could never win.  That she would always find a way to twist my perspective around, regardless of my intentions or actions.  But I can see now that those feelings and the frustration and guilt that came along with them would never do anything to improve things for either of us, and that I needed to take pro active steps to improve the situation.  Empathy and validation are huge in our case.  I began to consider how I typically respond and react to her, and could see clearly for the first time that my inability to communicate her feelings back in a way that was clear to her had done a lot of harm.  This made me very sad at first, but was also comforting.  I could really pinpoint something specific that could actually help improve things for both of us, and that gave me a lot of peace and hope.  I could see that I had a chronic tendency to re-frame her experiences and compare them to my own.  I had thought that this was a way to show her empathy and understanding, but in reality it was just minimizing her experience and making her feel unheard, and wasn't really TRUE empathy on my part either.  This is just one example, but it's a REALLY big one for us. 

In a lot of ways, as hard as this situation has been I actually feel like it was a necessary first step for both of us to really take a look at the situation, and begin moving forward in the right direction.  For me at least, I can honestly say that without a major shakeup like this I can't see myself having ever done anything differently.  I have a lot to learn, and a lot of practice to do, but I'm really focused and committed to doing my part right, and feel genuinely excited to work on and strengthen our bond like I never have before.  Just knowing that it doesn't always have to be an endless circle of drama, and that I actually have power to improve things is a huge weight off my back. 

While our interactions and communication have been limited, I have really made an effort to put myself in her shoes, and consider things from her perspective. And then relay that back to her where I can, and I already feel like I can see improvement, even if it's just in small amounts so far. 

I'm also beginning to understand (as well as I can) how the trip and time apart have probably played a large role in this as well.  I feel that she has always struggled with independence and fear of abandonment.  The first example for us I can remember was a year or so into our relationship.  I was in school full time, and working two part time jobs.  One evening out of the blue while at work, I got a panicked call from her.  She was upset that I wasn't there, and I had a really hard time processing where she was coming from.  It wasn't anything new, I regularly worked evening shifts, and she had never shown anything but support up to that point, so what was the problem?  That said, now that I really consider the current situation and our recent time apart I feel like I can see a lot that I had been blind to.  I knew that she was going through difficulty related to her job and the environment she was in, but I wasn't giving what she needed from me to feel comforted and heard while she was in the place that she was. I sent her emails and messages filling her in on all of the positives back home, with the hope that it might give her comfort and because I missed her, and wanted to share all I could with her... but I feel at this point like it just accentuated the contrast between her normal life, and her experience in the moment, which gave her anything but comfort. I hadn't stopped to consider what she was experiencing, because I was too wrapped up in my own.  She had actually expressed to me toward the end of the trip that it was hard for her to hear what I was sharing with her because of the place she was in, but even then I wasn't really understanding or able to rationally acknowledge her perspective because I was looking at it from my own perspective instead of hers.

What I do know at this moment is that she is everything to me, and I want to get through this and move forward stronger, both as individuals and as a couple.  And at this point I feel very strongly that we can.  There is a lot more within my power than I had ever realized, and I'm fully committed to working on my part in this.  I'm giving her space, but am doing my best to be there for her when she does reach out to me in the ways that she needs me to be.  It was important for her that we wait until she returns from this second stint  to really hash things out, and I feel now like that is probably the right way to go about it all things considered.  While I am ready to move forward and resolve this as quickly as possible, she is going through a tough experience that is separate from the relationship, so I do think that it will be more productive to let this play out, so that she is in a better place without distraction when we do hash things out and take that next step.  Plus, I have gained a lot of knowledge and insight in such a short period of time, that a few more days of struggle for me might actually help me better learn how to avoid a lifetime of unnecessary ones. 

I'm seeing what feels like real progress, and am taking this time to do my best to prepare and work on my own communication skills and actions, so that I can actually begin to give her what's she has desperately been seeking from me for far too long.  I can't help but feel like this in part has been a "test".  She actually made a subtle comment during one of our brief interactions this past week that really resonated with me.  She said that when she decided to leave the house she had expected me to get a angry, and show her the door. But my reaction was the complete opposite...   I have no intention to abandon her, and it saddened me to think that she thought I would.  But I can also acknowledge that I have failed to give her many of the things she has asked for and needed from me up to this point, so when I look at it in that light I can understand how she could feel like this wouldn't be any different, that I've failed her before so why should she think I wouldn't do it again.  I have been reading over material on this site daily, and have also been writing and making lists for myself to look back on that highlight specific aspects of our struggles, and ways that I can react differently when they come up again, which has been very helpful for me.  I don't blame myself for this because I was ignorant to the reality, but I can recognize that I haven't had the knowledge or understanding to do anything to improve the situation before now.   It's definitely a challenge, and I know that it there will never be a quick fix, but for the first time I feel a great sense of clarity and hope for the future.  She's worth the work to me, and I'm genuinely excited to begin my attempt to mend the hurt I have inadvertently caused for her, and to gain more peace in my own experience.   

I'd love to hear any tips or suggestions that might be beneficial.  This website has really been a great resource and tool for me in dealing with my own struggles.  I'm not one to open up and share my feelings easily, especially on a public forum, but I have really been comforted and inspired by others' accounts of their own relationships with a BP partner, and feel that sharing my own story is one of the many steps I can take to get myself in a good mental and emotional place to move forward and grow from this and past experiences.  I know that her disorder does not define her, it's just one aspect of an otherwise passionate, complex and amazing person.  I love her for the good as well as the no so good qualities she possesses.  Because for me at least, those qualities all contribute to who she is overall, which is an amazing, wonderful person. And I wouldn't want her any other way.  I know that if I want this to work, I need to be the strong one, and stay committed.  Especially when my emotions have settled down,  and it's easy to fall back into the old routine.  I'm actively searching for a therapist at the moment, because I know that I will need help staying the course over the long run.  But I really want to make sure that I find someone who is experienced and knowledgable working with people who suffer from BPD, so I'm taking the time and doing the legwork needed to make sure I find the right fit.  Thanks to anyone who's has taken the time to read this!  It's a tough road to take, but I know I'm not alone, and that positive progress is actually a real possibility.  I plan to follow up as things pan out, and we both move forward.  Hopefully I can gain even more insight, and learn as much as I can along the way... maybe even help someone else out there who is dealing with a similar experience.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Glad you felt comfortable to post up your light bulb moment. Most people here will understand where you are coming from.

I think the transition you are discovering is from "rescuer" to to "supporter". When we naively attempt to rescue despite best intentions it often verges on invalidation, controlling and perceptions of criticisms.

This can often undermine a pwBPD who perceives it as pressure and that you are not really listening. Hence when they take a break from you it actually comes as a relief to be out from under scrutiny, even if this is only there perception.

Focus more on listening, and less on fixing, makes for smoother sailing.

Do not panic, reactive knee jerk decisions they make today often don't mean too much tomorrow. As you start to tune in to how better to interact, they can thaw out very quickly. What you are really dealing with is a fight or flight reaction to insecurity. Remove the need for defensive behavior, by removing perceived pressure is the way to proceed.

Sounds like you are on the right path and genuinely trying your best

[MTSAY82]

Thanks for the insight and input!  Can't express how helpful this forum has been for me.  There are very few people in my life I'm comfortable discussing this with, let alone anyone with any knowledge of BPD.  I understand that it's not my job to protect her, but I can't help but feel like if I opened up to some of my friends or family members about our struggles, they would paint her as the villain in the situation, which is the last thing I want.  The only real villain here I see is the disorder itself. 

I think the transition you are discovering is from "rescuer" to to "supporter". When we naively attempt to rescue despite best intentions it often verges on invalidation, controlling and perceptions of criticisms.

I think you're absolutely right about this!  Seeing it articulated in this way actually feels like it's own little lightbulb moment for me in a way, which I have a feeling there will be more of along the way as I continue to work through this. 

Focus more on listening, and less on fixing, makes for smoother sailing.

Great advice as well, so simple, but really sums a lot up for me.  I often have a tendency to feel overwhelmed and freeze up during conflict, which almost always seems to make things worse. So if I'm feeling overwhelmed in a situation, I think it will be good to have short, to the point reminders that I can easily remember and fall back on to calm me down and help re-shift my focus.  More listening, less fixing is great!

Things seem to still be headed in the right direction.  I sent her a brief text message this evening letting her know I was thinking of her and that I was looking forward to hearing how she was doing, and what she was doing.  She sent a lengthy message back almost immediately detailing all that was going on with her job, how she was feeling etc. which is not really typical for her.  Unless there's obvious urgency, she tends to take her time getting back, and usually doesn't go into much detail in her text messages.  It felt so good to be able to consciously make the message entirely about her, and as simple as it was, to see her respond in the way that she did!   It also really surprised me that her message seemed to have an overall positive tone and outlook to it, considering that she was telling about how the situation is anything but a positive experience for her at the moment.  I followed up with another brief message, acknowledging that it sounds like she's got a lot on her plate, which I would normally follow up with an "I wish there was something I could do", or "I know how you feel" type of statement. But I held back.   I also let her know I was looking forward to hearing more of the details regarding something she had mentioned, but didn't have time to elaborate on over text message. And tried to end it on an encouraging note, reminding her that she's great at what she does, and that I'm sending positive thoughts her way. 

Hopefully this is the right approach. So far it really does feel like she's starting to allow me to bring down pieces of the wall she has had up recently, so I'll take any progress I can get.   

[waverider]

You will hear a lot about validation. However, it is all too easy to overdo it and mess it up, if in doubt learn to recognize it and concentrate more on 'not invalidating' which often means less is best.

Genuine validation takes a genuine personality shift, and that doesn't happen overnight, and can sound fake or condescending if it's not your natural style and you make to drastic a change. Ease into it slowly, and believe in what you say.

Change is met with suspicion, so don't get defensive when challenged

[thefixermom]

As I read through your posts I felt various responses inside me... .starting with, "Wow, what a wonderful spouse to care so deeply, remain committed and seek answers while developing true empathy and insight into what has been happening and avoiding reaction, despite the great pain of being forced into separation," and then as I read on, I started feeling a little sense of being smothered in excess and wanting to wriggle away from too much focus on the disorder and wanting a vacation from all the analysis and problem solving.  I started having visions of just sitting at the beach and chilling out.  Then I heard a voice inside say, "I wonder if she's having an affair and that's why the sudden split."  Relationships are all about growth. Without them it's just too easy to think we have it altogether.  And sometimes when the problem is assigned more to one party than the other and the undercurrent of "what can I do to make you feel better so we can both be happy" becomes too strong then there becomes a need to escape being seen as someone who is stigmatized with a disorder and causing everyone else to work hard to acknowledge and validate them.  Being pursued in this manner can make someone lose a certain amount of respect or regard for the one doing the chasing. Might be good to let them have the open space in their life to work it out and room to do some of the pursuing, as well, once the acknowledgments have been made, as you did, about seeing how you had reframed her experiences into your own (very good!).  My DH does that, too, and it's most frustrating and comes off sounding like he's the wiser one who always has a lesson to teach me. It's infuriating and not something I do to him.  So I think it's huge you woke up to that.  But now that you've arrived to that realization, might be nice to chill out a bit and not hammer her with how much better you are now and talk so newsy.  Let her seek the news on her own. Looks like you are doing that and she is responding positively.  I wish you the best. Just don't give up too much of yourself in the process.

[MTSAY82]

waverider & the fixermom,

Really appreciate the advice, and definitely see where you're coming from as far as how I could easily  overdo it and make her feel smothered, etc...   In a way, because of the specific circumstances I feel like I'm at somewhat of an advantage in that phone calls are logistically difficult right now, so with text messages I can really take the time to consider my responses, as opposed to reacting on the fly.  In my response to her last night, I really made an effort not to come off sounding unlike my normal self, but still put some of what I've learned into play, which I feel I was able to do. 

As much as I really want to share with her the realizations I've come to, and how I feel I'm making positive changes for myself, I do know that isn't something that would be helpful... and could actually make things worse. 

While my real goal at this point is to work things out and improve our relationship, I've also gained a lot of confidence in myself through this process.  I feel like I understand that if I'm sacrificing myself for her, that's a whole new problem in itself, and won't do either of us any good.  I really am working on making a conscious effort to give her space right now and debated with myself whether I should even send her a message at all.  But as I thought it over, a complete lack of communication on my end is definitely out of the norm, so I figured a quick message letting her know I'm thinking of how SHE is doing couldn't be too bad.  At this point I'm going to let her make the next contact (12-17 hour work days make it difficult to talk, even if things were totally peachy between us) and cautiously move forward from there. 

In a lot of ways, I think being able to spill my guts on this forum has helped me not come across as overbearing and smothering to her, and has given me an outlet that makes it easier to give her the space she needs at the moment.  Really appreciate the advice, I've definitely taken it to heart