Still confused and need guidance.

[Sosoconfused]

So I met her a year ago and it was pretty great (Let's call her Voldemort). First date was pretty intense and we had everything in common, she mentioned that she was in abusive relationships in the past and I felt so much compassion for her; like, who would treat this gorgeous, shy, and witty woman like this. We quickly became an item and shared our most inner secrets that we would never share with anyone. This is when she told me that she was abused by her father, raped in University, and was in 3 really abusive relationships. It caught me by surprise at first but it only made me want to protect her more.

Dated for 4 months and she notified me that she is going to move to France. I am a guy that understands that if you are young, take chances so I was stoked for her. Around this time she told me her friend from there is coming to visit for a week. Thinking nothing of it I told her to have fun. During her friend's visit she kept on texting me the most affectionate messages. I then said that I would like to meet her and her friend to hang out if that is possible and she refused and said that I acted more like a boyfriend around her and it would be weird; then I found out that she likes this guy. So I basically wished her good luck and told her maybe it is best we went NC.

I started dating a couple of girls afterwards having fun but I still felt something for Voldemort but stuck by my guns and tried my best to move on. 2 months past and I ended it with the 2 girls I was seeing because I wanted to try and be alone and plan a trip somewhere. That was when she liked a picture of mine on Instagram. I looked at her account and liked one back. After that she sent me a long message via Facebook stating how she was depressed for the last 2 months in France because I wasn't in her life and that she wrote me a letter every day but didn't send it because she thought it was the only way to talk to me. This is when she said she loves me. This is when I made the biggest mistake and let her back in my life. She promised to move back in a month

During our LTR phase we had a lot of push/pull; texting and skyping every night for hours on end sometimes it would be great and sometimes it would be pretty bad but she blamed it on her depression and anxiety. It got so bad at one point that I said I am done so a week past and she calls me crying. She said that if it takes her proposing to me to get me back she will move back in a heartbeat. I said let's take it slow and she should move back and she can move in and we take it slow and see where it goes. She books a plane ticket that night and moves back and we had a fun and loving 2 months. After the two months Voldemort started getting bad panic attacks, constantly having stomach pains and various other body pains, depressed and wouldn't get out of bed or eat. So we get her into therapy and on meds; she was happy again for a week then she would say everything isn't working. This goes on for a month. About 4 weeks ago we had a big fight because she didn't want to fix herself so I said I can't be with someone that is so unhappy so I took my keys back and asked her to move out.

A week after she would text that I was the love of her life and that one day we will be together when she's got it together. About a week after that she texted me that she misses my face. The night I received that text I went on her instagram, no activity. So I clicked her bestfriends account and guess what? SHE GOT MARRIED A WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP to the guy from France!

I completely blocked her on every outlet imaginable. I am still kind of mad and really confused of what I am dealing with.

Sorry for the long wall of text but I just need some input of what the hell happened?

[Invictus01]

I can't say for sure what you dealt with... .but I am pretty sure I know what you won't be dealing with in the future - HER. Imagine being her husband in this whole thing. You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged an atomic bomb here.

[Sosoconfused]

I can't say for sure what you dealt with... .but I am pretty sure I know what you won't be dealing with in the future - HER. Imagine being her husband in this whole thing. You didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged an atomic bomb here.

All my friends said that I dodged the biggest bullet ever and I believe it. Just don't know how someone can say that I'm their soulmate and love of their life and do something like this. She even said to me that before she met me she never ever wanted to get married or have children; meeting me change that. What a crock of lies! Wasted a year on this.

[Invictus01]

All my friends said that I dodged the biggest bullet ever and I believe it. Just don't know how someone can say that I'm their soulmate and love of their life and do something like this. She even said to me that before she met me she never ever wanted to get married or have children; meeting me change that. What a crock of lies! Wasted a year on this.

I think she made it pretty easy for you dude. Easy in a sense that you can look at all this and go "This is so beyond screwed up, I don't even have to think twice about cutting this person out of my life" Because it is THAT screwed up. Although, believe it or not, I have read and heard a variation of this story a couple of times before.

[Sosoconfused]

All my friends said that I dodged the biggest bullet ever and I believe it. Just don't know how someone can say that I'm their soulmate and love of their life and do something like this. She even said to me that before she met me she never ever wanted to get married or have children; meeting me change that. What a crock of lies! Wasted a year on this.

I think she made it pretty easy for you dude. Easy in a sense that you can look at all this and go "This is so beyond screwed up, I don't even have to think twice about cutting this person out of my life" Because it is THAT screwed up. Although, believe it or not, I have read and heard a variation of this story a couple of times before.

I actually googled her symptoms and that is how I found this website. I actually didn't know what BPD was. Kinda glad that this is kind of a normal occurance so I know it wasn't me!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Why do all of these stories sound the same? Just curious, was your sex life exciting and prominent in the relationship?

The similarities to my story and others' is scary. Mine was a long distance relationship too. Common theme: "soul mates"... .I heard that a few times.

Did you have any of the "walking on eggshells" conversations? Where you had to watch what you said because you didn't know what she would say? Were the illnesses all real?

Sorry for all the questions... .

My username sums it up for me

You did dodge a huge bullet.  It's going to hurt for a bit but just know there are many on this board with the same story. Be grateful that your not legally bound to this woman. It's easy to get drawn in because the relationship is exciting and because you want to help. I thought I could fix things.

[Sosoconfused]

Why do all of these stories sound the same? Just curious, was your sex life exciting and prominent in the relationship?

The similarities to my story and others' is scary. Mine was a long distance relationship too. Common theme: "soul mates"... .I heard that a few times.

Did you have any of the "walking on eggshells" conversations? Where you had to watch what you said because you didn't know what she would say? Were the illnesses all real?

Sorry for all the questions... .

My username sums it up for me

You did dodge a huge bullet.  It's going to hurt for a bit but just know there are many on this board with the same story. Be grateful that your not legally bound to this woman. It's easy to get drawn in because the relationship is exciting and because you want to help. I thought I could fix things.

The sex was mind blowing! I had other girls in my life that would go the distance but this one would surpass it; it was one thing that really made me stay and stuck it out. I never really had to watch what I said because she told me that nothing really bothered her but when I said something off kilter I knew it bothered her from her expressions and body language. I should have taken it as a red flag but I thought maybe it had to do with her anxiety or PTSD but it is otherwise.

I had a recent nightmare that I actually said yes to her proposal of us getting hitched; my life would be so terrible if I did. The last month of our relationship it was turbulent. I would be helping a friend move and she would call me 3 times and leave 15 messages saying how sad she was and I wasn't there for her, when she knew that I was helping my friends out.

What really made me mad at myself is that I thought I knew how to read people and pick great people I can share my life with but this time I was manipulated. The manipulation is what I have the hardest time getting over. This week I went on 3 dates and all I could think about is how this girl is a liar when this girl I am on a date with did nothing wrong! I hate how this is how I feel now, I want to trust people and wear my heart on my sleeve where I like to wear it.

Damn you, Voldemort! Why did I have to meet you!

[WhatJustHappened?]

Sorry to keep bugging you on this issue... .were you ever able to confirm that your ex had real medical problems? Mine had a whole list but being LD and doing a little detective work, I learned that a lot of it was BS. Just curious.

[zipline]

Why do all of these stories sound the same? Just curious, was your sex life exciting and prominent in the relationship?

Yeah, it was.  Sex was excellent and satisfying. She was a great fit for my libido and preferences. Then she got pregnant because she said it was totally ok to have unprotected sex. I knew better and I didn't listen to myself because I was so high on the moment.

I told my therapist not too long ago that our relationship seemed so good -- so long as we were in bed having sex.  But that is not sustainable and I'm learning that sex is a substitute for real intimacy in these relationships. She was so good at mirroring me, I'm guessing, because this is one of the closest thing to real intimacy she could come to.

In fact toward the end, before she broke up with me, she was very upset that I didn't find her attractive anymore and didn't want to have sex with her anymore.  I had no idea what she was talking about and told her that I didn't know what she was picking up on from me, but this certainly wasn't the case.  It was one of the many arguments where I had no idea where she was coming from.

Did you have any of the "walking on eggshells" conversations? Where you had to watch what you said because you didn't know what she would say?

This was my life. It almost drove me insane. I found myself lying to her about the most ridiculous things (like saying I bought eggs at the store, when I really bought milk - what the heck?) because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing and setting her off. It sucked.

[WhatJustHappened?]

zipline... .once again, the stories sound almost identical. I totally agree about the sex part trying to compensate for real intimacy.

I feel bad about myself not setting stronger boundaries earlier and ignoring the red flags. I knew better but was lonely. At least I can admit that.

She made me feel good about myself physically speaking which now I wonder about. Another words, did she just hype me up for her benefit? Or were the compliments about my looks really honest or just a way to get me hooked? Does that make sense?

[zipline]

She made me feel good about myself physically speaking which now I wonder about. Another words, did she just hype me up for her benefit? Or were the compliments about my looks really honest or just a way to get me hooked? Does that make sense?

If you read peoples experiences on this board, you'll find opinions that the connection was as real to your BPD partner as it was to you -- but possibly for very different reasons.  My interpretation of my exgf is that she absolutely felt and meant the positive things she said at the beginning of our relationship, just as she felt and meant the negative things she would say later on. We're talking about the emotional maturity of a child. Maybe my ex was over the top with idealization to show how strongly she felt about me, how serious she was about her belief in our connection.  But to answer your question about the compliments, in my opinion, it was both - she was being honest AND trying to make a connection with you that was too good to turn down.

[Sosoconfused]

Sorry to keep bugging you on this issue... .were you ever able to confirm that your ex had real medical problems? Mine had a whole list but being LD and doing a little detective work, I learned that a lot of it was BS. Just curious.

My ex was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and anxiety. My friend told me that she might have BPD after I told her the story of our break up; she was also there for the duration and saw me go through this emotional rollercoaster from the get-go. A lot of my friends thought she was a bit off and told me I could do better but the heart wants what it wants and in the end I got a life lesson out of it.

When your gut and friends say that you can do better or that your current significant other is a bit off just listen to it. Also, no more detective work man. She moved on and left you and you should do the same. There are plenty of other people out there more deserving of you than the mess you were in. After a week of confusion and finding this forum I am actually ecstatic that I got off the crazy train early. Imagine if I accepted her proposal, ugh, my life would have been so terrible.

Go out with friends and meet new people and you might not feel those sparks but eventually you will. It's been a month and I am pretty much good with it. I wish her the best of luck with the marriage and I can't wait for my next phase in my life. Just booked a trip with my friends and going on a couple of dates for fun. Life is good, and remember, no more over analyzing ok?

I came back on this forum to answer any questions you guys may have. Just realize that every one of you dodged a huge bullet and that the next step is freaking exciting! YOU ARE FREE! FREE FROM CRAZY!

[rotiroti]

Sorry to keep bugging you on this issue... .were you ever able to confirm that your ex had real medical problems? Mine had a whole list but being LD and doing a little detective work, I learned that a lot of it was BS. Just curious.

My ex was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and anxiety. My friend told me that she might have BPD after I told her the story of our break up; she was also there for the duration and saw me go through this emotional rollercoaster from the get-go. A lot of my friends thought she was a bit off and told me I could do better but the heart wants what it wants and in the end I got a life lesson out of it.

When your gut and friends say that you can do better or that your current significant other is a bit off just listen to it. Also, no more detective work man. She moved on and left you and you should do the same. There are plenty of other people out there more deserving of you than the mess you were in. After a week of confusion and finding this forum I am actually ecstatic that I got off the crazy train early. Imagine if I accepted her proposal, ugh, my life would have been so terrible.

Go out with friends and meet new people and you might not feel those sparks but eventually you will. It's been a month and I am pretty much good with it. I wish her the best of luck with the marriage and I can't wait for my next phase in my life. Just booked a trip with my friends and going on a couple of dates for fun. Life is good, and remember, no more over analyzing ok?

I came back on this forum to answer any questions you guys may have. Just realize that every one of you dodged a huge bullet and that the next step is freaking exciting! YOU ARE FREE! FREE FROM CRAZY!

EXACTLY! SSC, I am so glad you got out when you did. Your friends are right when you dodged the A bomb on this one I was friends with my BPDex for 8 years and while we only officially dated/engaged for 7 months, i think she was mirroring me for a long time.

No more analyzing, i can't agree more whole-heartedly. Isn't it awesome being with friends and realizing that human interaction isn't some mine field to be carefully navigated?

Continue enjoying your freedom buddy :D

[zipline]

EXACTLY! SSC, I am so glad you got out when you did. Your friends are right when you dodged the A bomb on this one I was friends with my BPDex for 8 years and while we only officially dated/engaged for 7 months, i think she was mirroring me for a long time.

I'm curious as to how this worked.  You guys were friends for 8 years? Was she normal in this friendship and seem healthy? Did you not observe any of the BPD behavior in this time? See her in other relationships? 

[rotiroti]

EXACTLY! SSC, I am so glad you got out when you did. Your friends are right when you dodged the A bomb on this one I was friends with my BPDex for 8 years and while we only officially dated/engaged for 7 months, i think she was mirroring me for a long time.

I'm curious as to how this worked.  You guys were friends for 8 years? Was she normal in this friendship and seem healthy? Did you not observe any of the BPD behavior in this time? See her in other relationships? 

That's a great question, I was thinking about this over lunch and my ignoring of the  goes back much further back. It says a lot about me as well that I need work on being more vigilant.

Going back to the question -- over the 8 years I saw many red flags. She had slept with many of the students at school (professional school) as well as the townies. Even many of my closer friends had gotten with her and raved about how crazy she was in and out of bed. I'm really emabrassed to say that I had a crush on her and i had the chance to sleep with her, but i thought i was being nobel, also at the time I was with a LDR g/f back at home. The BPDex was everything my gf at the time wasn't -- she had tattoos, drank, loved to hang out with me etc. She did come on to me throughout the years, but i always turned her down

She went to live in Europe about 3 years ago. She would send me e-mails every once in awhile telling me how much she missed my company and how I was always good to her. I remmeber writing back one time telling her that the e-mails were pretty inappropriate. She exploded only to respond back a day later that she was on her period  . Fast forward to her return back to the states, i had broken up with my gf and was vulnerable. We ended up in the same city and it just took off. I think it was the first time we had seen each other in person in 3 years? Slept the same night where she bawled her eyes out after sex  . It was right before a business trip so the next 6 months were LDR. We talked and skyped every night and met up with each other at the end of the month. It felt perfect -- the headrush and feeling of 'soulmate' i attributed to our years of friendship

boy was i in for a world of hurt

2 months in, she asked me to move in. "Great idea!" we set plans for me to move in at the beginning of June 2015. We talked about marriage, kids, the whole shbang. Got engaged and about 5 days in she started to devalue me hard. I was scared to be in the same room as her because i was apparently even moving the pillows incorrectly. I left at around day 8, now day 10 of NC


sorry to have gone on... .your question really opened my eyes to how i was ignoring the red-flags for a very very long time. You know when I moved in, i even ignored blatant things left in her house by other men. Bathrobes ("oh they're my dad's", condoms ("oh those are from long ago",

but hey that's why we're here right? We felt the pain and we want to move on

[Sosoconfused]

EXACTLY! SSC, I am so glad you got out when you did. Your friends are right when you dodged the A bomb on this one I was friends with my BPDex for 8 years and while we only officially dated/engaged for 7 months, i think she was mirroring me for a long time.

I'm curious as to how this worked.  You guys were friends for 8 years? Was she normal in this friendship and seem healthy? Did you not observe any of the BPD behavior in this time? See her in other relationships? 

That's a great question, I was thinking about this over lunch and my ignoring of the  goes back much further back. It says a lot about me as well that I need work on being more vigilant.

Going back to the question -- over the 8 years I saw many red flags. She had slept with many of the students at school (professional school) as well as the townies. Even many of my closer friends had gotten with her and raved about how crazy she was in and out of bed. I'm really emabrassed to say that I had a crush on her and i had the chance to sleep with her, but i thought i was being nobel, also at the time I was with a LDR g/f back at home. The BPDex was everything my gf at the time wasn't -- she had tattoos, drank, loved to hang out with me etc. She did come on to me throughout the years, but i always turned her down

She went to live in Europe about 3 years ago. She would send me e-mails every once in awhile telling me how much she missed my company and how I was always good to her. I remmeber writing back one time telling her that the e-mails were pretty inappropriate. She exploded only to respond back a day later that she was on her period  . Fast forward to her return back to the states, i had broken up with my gf and was vulnerable. We ended up in the same city and it just took off. I think it was the first time we had seen each other in person in 3 years? Slept the same night where she bawled her eyes out after sex  . It was right before a business trip so the next 6 months were LDR. We talked and skyped every night and met up with each other at the end of the month. It felt perfect -- the headrush and feeling of 'soulmate' i attributed to our years of friendship

boy was i in for a world of hurt

2 months in, she asked me to move in. "Great idea!" we set plans for me to move in at the beginning of June 2015. We talked about marriage, kids, the whole shbang. Got engaged and about 5 days in she started to devalue me hard. I was scared to be in the same room as her because i was apparently even moving the pillows incorrectly. I left at around day 8, now day 10 of NC


sorry to have gone on... .your question really opened my eyes to how i was ignoring the red-flags for a very very long time. You know when I moved in, i even ignored blatant things left in her house by other men. Bathrobes ("oh they're my dad's", condoms ("oh those are from long ago",

but hey that's why we're here right? We felt the pain and we want to move on

I had tons of red flags in mine also. I will put them in point form as I remember them:

- Said she loved me after 2 months of knowing me

- Said that we are soulmates after 2.5 months

- Liked all my Instagram pictures from 147 weeks ago

- Liked everything I posted on social media immediately

- Stared at her What's App screen to see when I came 'online' then message me immediately saying, "You're online! Are you thinking of me?"

- Constant push and pull. One minute we are having tons of fun at my company party then we are fighting in a parking lot about god knows what.

- Not too long ago she cried for an hour outside the bar where my best friends was having his birthday. I went inside and she text bombed me stuff like, "having a crying party for one" and "I can't drive, I am too sad."

- Oh! The biggest red flag is getting a week after we broke up and when she was married she texted me that she loves me and that one day we will be together.

- Constantly complaining about pains, there is always something. Her head hurt, pelvic hurt, stomach hurt, chest hurts. It was unreal.

- Would get hurt and call me immediately saying, "you are the first person I thought of to call cause I got hit by a car while riding my bike." Thinking back, this might have been a lie, she lived in France at the time.

- Constantly complained about her father and sister.

- There was so much more, she was a crazy person.

[rotiroti]

haha those timelines are eerily similar!




AND man did she hate her dad. What was up with that?

you know what sosoconfused? You sound like you know what to look out for the future and you came out the winner. You didn't let symptoms of BPD wreck or challenge who you are. Kudos for that


At the end of it all, i believe that even people with BPD need love too. But we know it's not our job. ACtually i really beleive that people's well being and happiness should be independent of who they are with. No one should have to sacrifice themselves for the sake of another.

[Herodias]

Gosh, the listing of red flags are endless! I felt that way too... .my stbx husband did so many insane things! Mine had major issues with his Mother who was and still is very cold to him. His Dad tried, but saw over time he did not have any pull with him anymore. It's very sad for them to watch their son mess up his life. We all thought he really had it together while he was with me... .but he decided he was on a downward spiral and didn't want me involved in it anymore. Not sure that's the case, since he found someone else immediately that is feeding his ego big time. The only thing is, that I think he will get bored with her really fast. I wish I had never gotten involved. I will say my first year with him was wonderful, but he was 25 when I met him. He is now 34 and I have read that as they get older, they get worse. More manipulative and better at their games. I am glad to be out, but sad for the good memories... .like someone said, they are like ghosts of the past that crop up and make me sad. It's not right that we suffer so. The only thing is, I think they are suffering worse. I can't feel sorry for him anymore. He still has the option to get help and change. I believe he chooses to be this way for a reason, one I will not ever understand. Maybe life is easier in the gutter, too much responsibility is too hard to handle. I don't know. I am heartbroken.

[Sosoconfused]

haha those timelines are eerily similar!




AND man did she hate her dad. What was up with that?

you know what sosoconfused? You sound like you know what to look out for the future and you came out the winner. You didn't let symptoms of BPD wreck or challenge who you are. Kudos for that


At the end of it all, i believe that even people with BPD need love too. But we know it's not our job. ACtually i really beleive that people's well being and happiness should be independent of who they are with. No one should have to sacrifice themselves for the sake of another.

I read quite a few posts on this forum that kind of mirror my experiences. Oh, I totally took this as a lesson and came out of it having a skill to read people better. Red flags are called red flags for a reason; also, trusting your gut. It's been 4 weeks since I found about her secret wedding. And this weekend was when I finally woke up ecstatic and realized that I dodged something that I would have wasted more than a year on.

I agree on your sentiment. People with mental illnesses deserve love also but they have to love themselves first. I just hope she gets better and that she finds happiness in this marriage. It's kinda funny, I remember her telling me about this guy and how much she thinks he is an ass and that he was the biggest mistake of her life... .then she marries him. It is just too much weirdness/crazy for me to comprehend.