Monster

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

May of this year,  I asked the ex to contact the doctors to make arrangements so that the bills from the kids visits go directly to him, and then I will schedule the kids appointments.

AS PER USUAL, he says "ok I will do it" then does not send an email saying "it's done".

The phrase "I will do it" has always loosely translated into "if I think about it I might do it, oops I forgot, etc".

SO one month goes by, I do not hear from him so I schedule their appointments and ask them to bring home a copy of the bill so I can email it to the ex.

So I email him the first bill AND an old bill he has not paid.

There is some discussion about the old bill, and question are answered, the end.

The kids (2 of the 3) had lunch w/ him.

I texted him and told him he and our son needed to talk about his room and food expenses for college next year, because he is living off campus, and it will be 300.00 a month, out of pocket; and I don't have it.

He said "ok".

SO AFTER LUNCH, he send me a crappy email about how it's none of my business about doctor bills, and they are adults, and I don't need to inject myself in the middle, bla bla bla... .

I explained "well, you never told me OR them that you took care of it AND I thought I was doing you a favor by emailing it to you; HAD YOU COMMUNICATED WITH ME instead of ignoring me, I would have known you handled it, and would have never asked for a copy of the bills... .and I knew you address long before monday, and I didn't care then either".

He continued to accuse me of doing something I didn't do, berating me, etc.

What set him off? Um, the fact that he has to pay doctor bills and college expenses, and he is over extended and that cuts in on his FUN FUN FUN... .and he signed the divorce papers without looking, and his stupidity pisses him off. And cutting into his fun, really pisses him off. SO he turns it around and takes it out on me.

Sorry azzhole, you are the one that wanted the divorce so bad you didn't read the papers and just signed.

Sorry azzhole, I wised up and I won't let you walk on me ever again. And I won't cover up your abuse... .

So, I cc'ed the kids on the email.

(kids are in early 20's)

I AM SICK AND TIRED of his abusive behavior towards me, then turn around and 'woe is me, your mom's so mean' to the kids. Eff that noise.

Well he had a COW that I cc'ed the kids.

He used to blame me for our 'debt'.

80% of that debt was because I could not tell him NO or it would be sulking, pouting, silent treatment, sullen glares, etc... .

But I managed it. I kept out credit rating high, and clean.

The day we divorced, we were both in the low 800's.

Today?

Yeah, the day after our house closed, he bought a car 32,000+ loan.

He bought a motorcycle 9,000 loan

And his credit cards, one at 9,000 and one at 3500.

On top of his student loans of 30,000K

He dove over 50,000.00 in debt in less than 30 days... .

I live cash on the barrel head. One credit card that gets paid off at the end of each month.

My credit rating is in the high 700's.

His?

614

SO

He knows my triggers, he knows what sets the wheels in motion to push me over the edge.

He did not count on me telling the kids. I have always hidden it from them.

Didn't want them in the middle, and by doing that, hid the truth about what he says and does to me.

He can eat one. I am not taking his crap any longer.

[going places]

May of this year,  I asked the ex to contact the doctors to make arrangements so that the bills from the kids visits go directly to him, and then I will schedule the kids appointments.

AS PER USUAL, he says "ok I will do it" then does not send an email saying "it's done".

The phrase "I will do it" has always loosely translated into "if I think about it I might do it, oops I forgot, etc".

SO one month goes by, I do not hear from him so I schedule their appointments and ask them to bring home a copy of the bill so I can email it to the ex.

So I email him the first bill AND an old bill he has not paid.

There is some discussion about the old bill, and question are answered, the end.

The kids (2 of the 3) had lunch w/ him.

I texted him and told him he and our son needed to talk about his room and food expenses for college next year, because he is living off campus, and it will be 300.00 a month, out of pocket; and I don't have it.

He said "ok".

SO AFTER LUNCH, he send me a crappy email about how it's none of my business about doctor bills, and they are adults, and I don't need to inject myself in the middle, bla bla bla... .

I explained "well, you never told me OR them that you took care of it AND I thought I was doing you a favor by emailing it to you; HAD YOU COMMUNICATED WITH ME instead of ignoring me, I would have known you handled it, and would have never asked for a copy of the bills... .and I knew you address long before monday, and I didn't care then either".

He continued to accuse me of doing something I didn't do, berating me, etc.

What set him off? Um, the fact that he has to pay doctor bills and college expenses, and he is over extended and that cuts in on his FUN FUN FUN... .and he signed the divorce papers without looking, and his stupidity pisses him off. And cutting into his fun, really pisses him off. SO he turns it around and takes it out on me.

Sorry azzhole, you are the one that wanted the divorce so bad you didn't read the papers and just signed.

Sorry azzhole, I wised up and I won't let you walk on me ever again. And I won't cover up your abuse... .

So, I cc'ed the kids on the email.

(kids are in early 20's)

I AM SICK AND TIRED of his abusive behavior towards me, then turn around and 'woe is me, your mom's so mean' to the kids. Eff that noise.

Well he had a COW that I cc'ed the kids.

He used to blame me for our 'debt'.

80% of that debt was because I could not tell him NO or it would be sulking, pouting, silent treatment, sullen glares, etc... .

But I managed it. I kept out credit rating high, and clean.

The day we divorced, we were both in the low 800's.

Today?

Yeah, the day after our house closed, he bought a car 32,000+ loan.

He bought a motorcycle 9,000 loan

And his credit cards, one at 9,000 and one at 3500.

On top of his student loans of 30,000K

He dove over 50,000.00 in debt in less than 30 days... .

I live cash on the barrel head. One credit card that gets paid off at the end of each month.

My credit rating is in the high 700's.

His?

614

SO

He knows my triggers, he knows what sets the wheels in motion to push me over the edge.

He did not count on me telling the kids. I have always hidden it from them.

Didn't want them in the middle, and by doing that, hid the truth about what he says and does to me.

He can eat one. I am not taking his crap any longer.

[Beach_Babe]

Well I can understand your frustration. The "poor me" crap gets old after a while. Maybe the kids really should see what kind of jerk he is. When are you planning to follow up again?

[going places]

The kids see what a jerk he is.

But I want them to see the 'flip the script' -- 'turn it around' -- 'circle talk' bullspit.

I want them to be able to identify it immediately if someone tries to pull that crap on them.

[Beach_Babe]

Thats a good idea. Do they know their dad is BPD?

[going places]

He is more NPD and ASPD than BPD.

He hits 11 of 12 in the APSD and 11 of 11 in the NPD, and only about 50% of the BPD

He refused individual counseling (I was willing to go to individual and couples counseling, by a professional, not a 'pastor'... .) his excuse was "they might hypnotize me and when I hear a bell, start dry humping furniture".

No, he was afraid a legit psychologist - therapist - psychciatrist would tell him HE is to blame, and not me.

[Beach_Babe]

always the victim arent they?  Yeah mine was the same. Yikes. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Do you have to meet with him in person too or just phone/email? 

[going places]

I have not seen his face since July 2014, and I am moving in 38 days... .and hoping I never have to see him again... .ever.

No, I email.

I want that paper trail.

I do not talk to him on the phone, and I RARELY text, because I hate texting.

yeah, he tried to play 'woe is him' but he can suck it. Gig's up.

[peacefulmind]

Hi going places,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is sometimes mind baffling how these post-BU situations make us do things we never thought we'd do. But I do think that it is a natural course of what you've been subjected to, and have endured for your children's sake. I am very impressed with how you have tried to keep the children out of it, and doing this, is not something I would necessarily see as something bad either.

You say your children are grown-ups, ergo they get to make their own decisions and experience what life is. As their parent, you're able to shape them and show them things that they may not be aware of. However, I do think it is important that you do this out of love and not spite (just my opinion). I understand how hard it must be to know that false accusations and lies are being thrown out while you're not present, but if I was put in your shoes, I would take this up with your children instead. Have a really good talk with them about the actions and preceding events, and why they may be involved more than they think they are. Make them understand what has been going on, but do not act on anger. Ultimately, your children are to make their own decisions, you can only guide them. Their father will always be their father, and I'm not sure that alienating them from him would be a good step (again, my opinion). If it happens naturally after you have told them your side of the story, then that's a decision they take, and you have not decided it for them. To me, there's a huge difference in making choices for others, or letting them base their choices on your side of the story. The latter is something I always try to implement in my own life, and I will never consciously manipulate anyone to take my side.

I hope you make the best decision for you, however, I thought I'd just chime in with some food for thoughts, whether you can use it or not. Stay strong, I've followed your posts and I've seen the immense help you've been to other members of the family. I hope you find solace in your actions, and that they were the right ones for you

[disillusionedandsore]

I can totally relate to the feelings you have when you ex withholds a response and you are left wondering what is going on,  did he pay it or not,  should I worry or not,  do I intervene or not? It's another no-win if you ask me.  It is very hard not to react.  I personally resent the lack of considerateness shown me, specifically when many times (in the r/s) I would ask him to let me know about practical stuff... .His stated attitude very often was "what has it got to do with you?" He hated any kind of responsibility /accountability/exposure,  it was like he thought I was trying to control him,  make him look inadequate,  that my feelings of concern meant I didn't trust him to get it done... .I could never figure out what was the 'right' approach to that one.  I hear your pain!