Kermit the frog said it well... 'It's not easy being green'

[Crumbling]

I come home from being away all week, and his devotion, loyalty, attempts at making us work (as feeble as they can be sometimes) and masculinity, I guess, melt my heart, and I fall in love, all over again.  Only deeper.  It's easy to fall into his arms and give him my heart.  The fact that we're still together, a month shy of eleven years.  The fact that I have seen so many aspects of who he is, and he has seen so many of mine, and yet, we are still one.  This means so much to me, in the moment, that it's easy to let bygones be bygones.  Then, after being home for two days, things have change. 

This morning I go back to work for the week.  He woke me up to ask me for money before he left for work, not to say goodbye.  He tells me over breakfast that he requested different days off than me, 'so the dog's aren't alone as much' after we had already discussed it and decided one day off together a week would work well.  As if to console me, he said, 'maybe you will come home on my days off.'  I replied, 'maybe you will come visit me on your days off.' Everything negative I had to battle being around him all 'weekend' had already left me diminished and exhausted... .after two days!   All morning I was a bear; scowl-faced, curt and aloof. 

Then, at one point, I looked at him and he was a different person.  He was someone who has missed the boat with some of the most important learning/coping skills a person can possess.  Someone wrapped in their own little cocoon, that is impenetrable and detrimental to one's personal growth and healing, that he has very little chance of living any other way.  A person that somehow will continually hurt the people he loves just by loving them.  And it occurred to me that the only way I'll ever be strong enough to maintain this relationship with any type of self worth is to always have my own space and time without his influence. 

Writing this down, it feels like I've said this before, and known it for a while, but it's more real now.  I suppose I am more accepting of it as a fact, and therefore see it as more of a reality than a burden.  It's a sad reality.  I long for him to be all he is meant to be.  But it is also not in my control.  My control lies in me being all I am meant to be.  It's all I can focus on.  All I can invest in.

Maybe it isn't just my perspective that's changed.  Maybe I'm becoming a different person.  Maybe I'm becoming more of me and less of us.

The new view I'm seeing is helpful, and promising, but also comes with a real need to stay committed, in sickness and in health.  I hope I can stay strong enough to do this.

Thanks for sharing, everyone.  You all give me insights, information, hope and strength by sharing your stories, your struggles.  It has been your influence that has helped lift me out of despair.   Thank you bpdfamily.


c.

[Mike-X]

Thank you for sharing this.

my own space and time without his influence

Maybe I missed something, but this sounds like a healthy thing to have?

Maybe it isn't just my perspective that's changed.  Maybe I'm becoming a different person.  Maybe I'm becoming more of me and less of us.

Can you elaborate on "more of me and less of us"? Are you struggling with really wanting "more of us" and "less of me"?

[Crumbling]

Hi, Mike-x. 

I think we have been together so long, and been so enmeshed in each other for so long that anything else feels foreign.  It's sad to me that to be happy with the man I love, I need to say away from him.  I understand having my own space is important for me as an individual, but I still may be mourning over the loss of my dream relationship where we can be our own individual selves, without needing to physically be apart.  I feel sorry for him, and at the same time, there are times where I still hate him for the way he is.  I leave our home and stay away during the days I work.  I just started doing this about six weeks ago.  It's a big adjustment. 

Here's what I really struggle with, Mike.  I work side by side with a man who respects me, someone I can discuss a situation with, and be heard and have my opinion be considered.  We can work together to get things done, he is sexy and driven and smart and, well, ... .a threat, at least in my own mind.  He has a girlfriend, and respects that I am another mans wife.  But... .I am committed to a man who  emotionally diminishes me, who is not here five out of seven days a week, I feel weak and vulnerable in my heart.  I can't deny myself the good feelings that come with being productive and a good team paired with this co-worker, on a strictly professional level, should I?  I need to feel good about myself, and to learn to trust my abilities and strengths.  It feels almost sinful to be getting these positive feelings from being with another man, even if it has nothing to do with a physically attraction or anything like that.

[flowerpath]

Hi, Crumbling.   I think I would feel weak also if I were in your situation.   When there are multiple difficulties in your marriage relationship, and there’s a tremendous lack of emotional support from your husband, and you’re the target of unpleasant behaviors, it’s easy to see the strengths in another man who is pleasant to be around and who seems to have it together. 

I think that because of what we have been through, and what we are going through, it’s very hard to strike a healthy stance in work relationships with people we find attractive.   I think it’s very easy to desire and welcome an emotional rescue.  I've wanted it myself.

Feeling good about using your abilities and strengths in your workplace, and enjoying the compliments and reinforcement of a co-worker who listens to and likes your ideas is a very good and healthy thing.  Feeling that this man is a threat, and feeling that the way that you are enjoying this working relationship is sinful, is your own warning system going off in regard to where your heart and emotions are in relation to him. 

You are right here at the point of having some independence, some peace in a place of your own, nourishing and building your own interests, gaining a healthy perspective and healing from the hurt that you experience, and strengthening your own emotional health - taking care of yourself, as we all say we need to do.  You are working on improving yourself, and this man does not know that road.   

It’s a sticky situation for sure, but if I were you, I’m not too sure I’d want him holding the handle of the basket that has my heart and my life inside.   

[vortex of confusion]

I think we have been together so long, and been so enmeshed in each other for so long that anything else feels foreign.  It's sad to me that to be happy with the man I love, I need to say away from him.  I understand having my own space is important for me as an individual, but I still may be mourning over the loss of my dream relationship where we can be our own individual selves, without needing to physically be apart.  I feel sorry for him, and at the same time, there are times where I still hate him for the way he is.  I leave our home and stay away during the days I work.  I just started doing this about six weeks ago.  It's a big adjustment. 

The first thought that came to mind was, "It sounds like dating." When getting to know somebody and you are dating them, you don't live with them. You talk to them in the evenings and you might spend the weekend with them. Both of you live in separate places and have separate lives. You get together when possible and share your lives and have fun. Instead of seeing it as "I need to stay away from him" can you look at it as getting space to see if you can rekindle things and maybe go back to a dating mindset. Just a thought. . .

Mourning the relationship that you wanted can be tough. I know that I have mourning periods where I think, "This isn't what I signed up for when I got married." The reality is that I have no friggin' idea what I thought I was signing up for when I married my husband. I have been trying to figure out what it was/is that I want. Is what I want even possible? I don't have an answer to that right now.

Here's what I really struggle with, Mike.  I work side by side with a man who respects me, someone I can discuss a situation with, and be heard and have my opinion be considered.  We can work together to get things done, he is sexy and driven and smart and, well, ... .a threat, at least in my own mind.  He has a girlfriend, and respects that I am another mans wife.  But... .I am committed to a man who  emotionally diminishes me, who is not here five out of seven days a week, I feel weak and vulnerable in my heart.  I can't deny myself the good feelings that come with being productive and a good team paired with this co-worker, on a strictly professional level, should I?  I need to feel good about myself, and to learn to trust my abilities and strengths.  It feels almost sinful to be getting these positive feelings from being with another man, even if it has nothing to do with a physically attraction or anything like that.

Um, he kind of has to respect you, or at the very least, treat you with some kind of regard or respect. This is his JOB. If he were to do the things that your husband has done, you would have the ability to file a complaint or ask to work with somebody else. Both of you have a vested interest in getting things done. If you didn't get your work done, then you would both be in jeopardy of losing your job.

Yes, it feels good to work with a man that listens to you and takes your opinions into account. Being able to work with a man that you find attractive is an indication that you are a grown up.  On the flip side, I think a lot of women get those goofy feelings that are reminiscent of a crush. I think it is okay to think, "Man, this guy is hot and I really, really like working with him." The key is to keep it to yourself and keep it professional. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do. There is nothing sinful about it. Are you lusting after him or indulging in adulterous fantasies? I don't hear that in what you are saying. What I hear is somebody that has a job she loves and a coworker that makes her life easier because he is easy to work with on a daily basis.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound like a different person than the woman who was posting about this job opportunity a few months ago and afraid of how her husband would react to it! 

In many ways, your husband set the bar so low that anybody can clear it, and in fact, are at risk of tripping on it! Comparing this coworker to your husband is probably impossible to avoid... .but not something in any way healthy to linger on.

I'm not concerned about what you are doing there--I don't think you are going to create trouble for yourself with this coworker.

Are you spending most of your time during your workweek hard at work? Or do you have downtime after work for yourself? For me, personally, it feels different when I've got an all-consuming workload than when I've got plenty of downtime.

[Crumbling]

This is my third attempt to respond to your fabulous feedback, so I hope this one actually gets posted.  I don't know why I'm having trouble doing this from work, but I'm home now, so it may actually go through.

I have a good leisure/work time balance.  I am, like flowerpath says, staying focused on my person quests and healing.  And, no, V, you're right, I don't indulge in any sort of fantasy with my co-worker.  I'm more taken aback by the way I gush with good feelings when things work out, or we accomplish a hefty task, then I search for why, for how, and see all the good qualities this man has.  It does confuse me, but I think I'm keeping things in check pretty good.  Reminding me that getting respect from him is the way things should be is really helpful.  When we live so wrapped up in the world of BPD, the 'proper' way feels foreign, at least, it has to me at times.