Meeting withe BPD Ex tomorrow after no contact - lost- please advise

[Depression = 72% of members]

My boyfriend of six months proposed and ended it on the same night three weeks ago.  He  is BPD and is coming to my house to collect the ring tomorrow and deliver my final things.  This is the first time since I have seen him in three weeks.  I am beyond confused on how to handle it.  He would like this done very matter of fact and over with and I have questions.  After falling in love, coming on strong and inviting me to move in, he ended it and would not speak to me or give me any reasons and went dark except for a text to tell me that I was "ungrateful." He has made it clear that he has moved on and prefers I do too.  How do I meet with a man that was the love of my life but then pulled the rug out from under me without  any warning.  How do I navigate conversation about what happened?  Does anyone have advice?  Have you been there?  Thank you in advance for any help.

[Confused in TX]

My boyfriend of six months proposed and ended it on the same night three weeks ago.  He  is BPD and is coming to my house to collect the ring tomorrow and deliver my final things.  This is the first time since I have seen him in three weeks.  I am beyond confused on how to handle it.  He would like this done very matter of fact and over with and I have questions.  After falling in love, coming on strong and inviting me to move in, he ended it and would not speak to me or give me any reasons and went dark except for a text to tell me that I was "ungrateful." He has made it clear that he has moved on and prefers I do too.  How do I meet with a man that was the love of my life but then pulled the rug out from under me without  any warning.  How do I navigate conversation about what happened?  Does anyone have advice?  Have you been there?  Thank you in advance for any help.

[zipline]

This sounds like an intimidating situation, and, no, I have not been where you are now. My breakup was pretty clean and we exchanged things without meeting -- I asked her to leave my things on her porch on a particular day and I said I would leave her things at the same place. 

How do I navigate conversation about what happened? 

My answer to this is: you don't.  I seriously doubt that he will bring it up I don't think you should either. If he does, then I wouldn't engage him in it.  It will likely lead to 1) an angry outburst and fight or 2) lies (or both). If you must see each in person, have it be quick with as few words as possible. If you think you're going to be able to have a conversation where you get answers to your questions, or satisfaction of your tortured feelings, you're not. You will never get that. There is no closure in these cutoffs.

He has made it clear that he has moved on and prefers I do too.

My exgf used the same language with me and I can tell you that she meant it 100%.  I'm am sure your ex means it to. It will take time and work for you to move on and heal, but to them we are dead and they don't have anything for us anymore. Please save yourself the heartache, be strong, be true to yourself, and don't ask anything more of this person. 

[fromheeltoheal]

This is a painful time and I'm sorry you're going through it.  It's best to make everything about you right now, what's best for you.  If you're honest with yourself, are you strong enough to go through with the exchange right now?  Will it help you or make it worse for you?  If it's too early you could just have him drop stuff off and leave whatever is his there for him.  Someone who treated you like that will not give you reasonable closure, and most interactions at this point in the relationship just make it worse.  For you to decide, but don't rely on him for anything and make it all about you, survival yes, but also part of detaching, protecting yourself and taking your power back.  Take care of you!

[NonBPDEx]

I would reconsider meeting. You do not have to do it. If there are things to be exchanged, you can use an intermediary.

I had to meet my exgf to exchange stuff and I had not thought it would be much to me. I had not seen her since the breakup a month prior. However, once I saw her, I knew I was still in love with her (even though I am the one that technically ended it).

My exgf used the same language with me and I can tell you that she meant it 100%.  I'm am sure your ex means it to. It will take time and work for you to move on and heal, but to them we are dead and they don't have anything for us anymore. Please save yourself the heartache, be strong, be true to yourself, and don't ask anything more of this person.  

Unfortunately this is horribly and painfully true.

After I saw my ex I went into a nose dive from which I have not yet recovered. I will never forget the final, nice goodbye between us, and then me breaking down in the car as I drove around the corner from her house.

I would try to avoid that if I were you.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Please don't do it. Nothing good will come of this. This will just be an opportunity for him to prey on your vulnerabilities. You guys can find alternate means of exchanging stuff w/o interaction. If you absolutely must, have a friend there with you. Trust me, this meeting will only hurt you.

If I can ask, how old are you and your ex? Just curious.

[Panda39]

I agree with the others do you both have a mutual friend that you can leave your ex's things with them and he leaves your stuff there too and then arrange to pick things up from the friend at different time?

If you live in an apartment then maybe the managers office could be the place for the exchange.

At the very least have someone with you don't do this alone.

[Confused in TX]

Thank you so much for all of your words.  One of you asked how old we are, we are in our 40's.  The hardest thing to acknowledge is that I am "dead to him" but I will accept that.  He tattooed my name on his arm after three months and asked me to move in after four.  HE was the one that insisted I pick out an engagement ring but then ended it the same night.  How did I become dead to him, when he was the one that came on so strong?  I will never understand.

[fromheeltoheal]

How did I become dead to him, when he was the one that came on so strong?  I will never understand.

Because you were getting too close in the relationship, so his opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment were triggered, meaning he had emotions that were too strong, so he had to remove everything to do with you from his consciousness purely to deal with those emotions to feel better.  Strictly a defense mechanism that has nothing to do with you, and it's so absolute and complete because it has to be, it's survival, an he's been practicing his entire life.  It does make sense when viewed through the lens of a personality disorder, and accepting the way he's wired is very different from the way you are is an important step in detaching.

[Suzn]

I'm really sorry this happened.    What a painful situation for you. Confused in Tx I read a few of your other posts and it seems he has been "off" more than once. The silent treatment is a form of abuse and from what you've said he's blown up over small slights. As painful and frustrating as it is I'd say you dodged a bullet here. These types of behavior patterns don't just disappear because of marriage.

I agree with the consensuses, it may be good to have a friend with you when you meet or exchange items through a 3rd party.

He tattooed my name on his arm after three months.

He has to live with this. I'd say your name crosses his mind every day.  

[Invictus01]

To be honest, 3 weeks is just way too raw to meet up. Way too raw. Probably 3 months isn't long enough. Your story sounds pretty damn similar to mine and when I think about where I was at 3 weeks, I was way too disassembled. 5 weeks later, she sent me a merry Christmas message and when I saw it, my heart raced and I felt like puking. Couldn't think straight for a couple of days again. No way I could face her again after 3 weeks.

[Kelli Cornett]

You're ex boyfriend sounds more narcissistic than BPD.