Break NC to get unstuck?~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So it's been nearly 3 months NC now and I am suffering. I am stuck, stuck on that hope he did not mean it (as in the past) and will contact me. I want closure so badly. My expectations are realistic: I expect to be shot down, I expect a reaction that's nasty. Maybe I even deserve it. But maybe that's what I need to move forward. Kill the hope this person is done with me. What do you guys think?

[Beach_Babe]

So it's been nearly 3 months NC now and I am suffering. I am stuck, stuck on that hope he did not mean it (as in the past) and will contact me. I want closure so badly. My expectations are realistic: I expect to be shot down, I expect a reaction that's nasty. Maybe I even deserve it. But maybe that's what I need to move forward. Kill the hope this person is done with me. What do you guys think?

[JRT]

First and foremost, you do NOT deserve it.

If your expectation from the the conversation is anything but closure and your expect to be rebuffed by him, why would you call him on the premise of receiving closure? We both know that very few if any nons experience closure from out BPDex's. Going further, it is usually something that we much achieve through our own efforts.

I still feel that your breakup is reasonably new... .and that given your circumstances that it is 'early in the day' in the entire scheme of things. I would really urge your to wait and while you are doing so, to work on your. To make you a better person independent of your ex.

[Beach_Babe]

He always came back around before. As harsh as it is maybe I need another hard whack to realize it's over. The hope keeps me stuck.

Can anyone here tell me how to word this? I'd like civility I just don't think I can expect it. I don't want to say anything triggering.

[JRT]

Have you considered the possibility that given your strict NC, that your ex may feel that you have rejected or abandoned him?

[Beach_Babe]

The NC was his choice not mine. It's the lack of civility and closure that's hard. Does anyone have experience how to handle something like this? I don't want to JADE or trigger him. If I had a goal out of this it honestly would just be civility. Do I really need to wait it out? Does it need to be on his terms? 

[rotiroti]

 

Hang in there bb! I see your posts here frequently -- keep writing whenever you get the urge. I can see the logic side of you come out more and more with each post.



and i do agree with JRT, you do NOT deserve it. Heck, NO one in the world deserves to be treated like that!

[Beach_Babe]

It's not about what I deserve: it's about reality. I'm starting to miss him and feel I need that cold hard reminder it's over. Logically I accept that. I know as long as the mutual friend breathes air ex will hate me this way. The idea is to expect the worst reaction possible right, because after all they have no soul and aren't human. Then I can't get hurt. Maybe this is the only way I'll gain closure. Because no matter how much I repeat to myself "he does not miss me, has no fond memories, does not care" for over a decade this was not the case. I still don't want to believe  it. Deep down I want to believe civility is possible. It's not. I know that. I just can't unstick  myself

[ShadowIntheNight]

You do realize that if you do send something and don't get what you are either expecting or not you will then begin the game of did something I say in what I just sent cause this reaction. And there's a big chance he won't even respond to you. You'll play that game with yourself till it has run it's course.

Whatever you are wanting he can't fulfill it in either a positive or negative way. Face it, you just want an excuse to contact him. I don't know why we have to meet these jerks and live with the pain they've caused, but we do. It sucks. And those of us who've had very long term relationships of over 8 years or more are wounded more deeply because, at least in my case, I never saw the train coming. One of these days you'll move to anger. It's not the best place, but it's a better place than thinking that our lives are nothing without them.

And forget the idea of closure. No matter what you tell yourself about that helping, it probably won't. Sorry to sound so negative.

[rotiroti]

You do realize that if you do send something and don't get what you are either expecting or not you will then begin the game of did something I say in what I just sent cause this reaction. And there's a big chance he won't even respond to you. You'll play that game with yourself till it has run it's course.

Whatever you are wanting he can't fulfill it in either a positive or negative way. Face it, you just want an excuse to contact him. I don't know why we have to meet these jerks and live with the pain they've caused, but we do. It sucks. And those of us who've had very long term relationships of over 8 years or more are wounded more deeply because, at least in my case, I never saw the train coming. One of these days you'll move to anger. It's not the best place, but it's a better place than thinking that our lives are nothing without them.

And forget the idea of closure. No matter what you tell yourself about that helping, it probably won't. Sorry to sound so negative.

I don't tihnk you're being negative. I tried to get closure with a BPDex once... .


spoiler: it did not go well

[Beach_Babe]

Shadow: I want a friendship, but I know that is not likely. For good or bad he was my best friend for a decade before we slept together. To think he could just walk away one day hurts so much. I am heartbroken to think he has no good memories and will always hate me. I guess I want the same thing I've gotten with every other ex: closure. A civil conversation, to know I mattered (even if things didn't work out). Yes he's BPD and autistic he was a real b***tard  at the end. But I wasn't perfect either.  I JADEd  and behaved in many ways I'm not proud of. But despite everything I do not hate him. I do not want to remember him as some awful monster. I want closure to believe he is human.

rotiroti: what happened?

[once removed]

hey beachbabe,

"It's not about what I deserve: it's about reality. I'm starting to miss him and feel I need that cold hard reminder it's over."

i think i understand this feeling youre expressing. its not that the answer - contact him or dont - is right or wrong. its your choice. no one can take that away from you. does that mean it might be a misguided idea? it might.

"The NC was his choice not mine."

try and respect that choice. if im not mistaken, he has threatened you with legal action in the face of any contact on your part. its the analogy of putting your hand on a hot stove. you dont really need to do that to know youre going to get burned, you already know.

at the same time, mistakes are part of the learning process, and we all make them. in my case i tried for a couple of months to obtain my "stuff" from my ex, and it was never going to happen. frankly i was delaying some inevitable feelings; feelings i wasnt ready to go through at the time.

ask yourself: so you generally accept that you dont expect this contact to go well. how are you really going to feel as a result of that? what if it was ambiguous/neutral? would you feel the need for more as a result? what if it went really well? regardless, the others are right, that it is not a cure; it is not going to give you the validation, or the closure, that you need.

"I want closure so badly."

"He always came back around before."

ask yourself: so which is your real motive here?

":)o I really need to wait it out?"

i would recommend it. at the beginning of my breakup, i felt an intense, desperate need to make contact for a multitude of reasons. what seriously helped was a person telling me that waiting was best; that logically, if i wanted to, i could contact her any time i wanted, if i wanted. doing it at the time or later made very little difference. as time went on that desperate feeling dissipated.

as to your other question:

what would you like to say, if you could say it, or if you do say it? lets work that out. it may be that writing it out alleviates the urge to send it. maybe not. lets try it, if you want to.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am stuck, stuck on that hope he did not mean it (as in the past) and will contact me. I want closure so badly.

Kill the hope this person is done with me.

The hope keeps me stuck

Hey Beach-

I notice you're using the word hope more and closure less, and that's progress.  By wanting closure from him you're giving him a lot of power, over something you can't control.  But you can control whether or not you hope.  It's not the hope that is keeping you stuck, it's your unwillingness to let the hope go.  There's a huge difference between a sliver of hope and no hope at all and letting go of that hope is difficult, but there's no choice if the goal is to detach and move on.

[Beach_Babe]

I want the pain to stop. I'm afraid it won't as long as hope exists. He's threatened the police and done awful things before. I want so badly to believe he didn't mean it. He never did before. I loved him so much, I forgave a lot. Why don't I deserve the same? No one has ever treated me so poorly. It's like to him I'm not even a human being. Just forever more some evil creature. It's not fair. Do you really think someone like that (i.e: obese, personality disordered, aspergers, socially retarded, eccentric, cheap, greedy, non hygienic, egotistical Ect ect) is going to find anyone that cares and will put up with his $*it the way I did? Oh yeah he resembles Shrek's wife Fiona too. Real prize. All I ever did was comfort and defend him against the world.  Funny how he made me the monster in the end.

[fromheeltoheal]

I want the pain to stop. I'm afraid it won't as long as hope exists. He's threatened the police and done awful things before. I want so badly to believe he didn't mean it. He never did before. I loved him so much, I forgave a lot. Why don't I deserve the same? No one has ever treated me so poorly. It's like to him I'm not even a human being. Just forever more some evil creature. It's not fair. Do you really think someone like that (i.e: obese, personality disordered, aspergers, socially retarded, eccentric, cheap, greedy, non hygienic, egotistocsl Ect ect) is going to find anyone that cares and will put up with his $*it the way I did?

I want the pain to stop. I'm afraid it won't as long as hope exists.

You're right, it won't.  And the good news is you don't have to do anything to let go of hope, you just let go.  And you're in control of that.

That guy sounds like a real winner BTW, the way you describe him.  Why again are you giving him so much power?

[Beach_Babe]

Onceremoved: The thing that keeps me also from contacting is knowing I would have to make another apology. To date I've have done that hundreds of times (to which I have received not one). I don't think I could stomach yet another "im sorry for my behavior"  because he is not sorry for one damn thing. I guess that is why I asked for advice because I'm sure anything I would say... .would screw everything up all over again. The idea of having to wait months, maybe years for it (i.e: when he is desperate and I'm useful again) is unbearable. What could I say though, if ever given the chance?

Fromheeltoheel: it's hard to let the hope go because this is the first time in 14 years be has not come back. We  were so close and have never been NC this long. In the past I always chased after him however. This time I just collapsed from mental exhaustion and stopped trying. That's what he wanted right? Considering 13 of the 14 years were largely good ones, accepting he is dead is quite hard.

[Beach_Babe]

Fromheeltoheel: if you want the honest truth I think my "attraction" to him was that he'd never leave lmao. My safety net dumped me. Yikes.

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromheeltoheel: if you want the honest truth I think my "attraction" to him was that he'd never leave lmao. My safety net dumped me. Yikes.

So I'm confused, you say you thought he'd never leave but you always chased after him when he did?

[Beach_Babe]

I never thought he'd leave for GOOD. Oh sure, he had the typical BPD ST and tantrums. Never more than a week tops however. It was always me who initiated the recycle. Yep, I ran after him and apologized. I finally stopped a few months ago, when I hit the point of mental collapse. Could this be interpreted as rejection ?  

[Hadlee]

Take back the power, Beach

Waiting for him to contact you is keeping you stuck.  I understand the pain and the fear of the unknown.  This is YOUR time now... .for YOU... .to live YOUR life.  Imagine a life filled with happiness rather than constant heartache.  You can have that, Beach

Start focusing on yourself.  Spoil yourself, start a new hobby and do some mirror work (Louise Hay).  Believe that you deserve a wonderful, enriched life... .because YOU DO!  Only you can give that to yourself.  He certainly cannot.

Time to take back your beautiful heart, and protect it.  You can do this  

[Beach_Babe]

Waiting for him to contact you is keeping you stuck.  

And herein lies the problem. I am not trying to be negative, maybe there is a human being in there. And maybe not. But even with a negative response, I will know it is truly over. Because truth be told, i don't want it to be (friendship wise). I do not want to miss or grieve for him anymore. But I am starting to miss him. I do not only see the good though. There was good and bad, I can truly say I loved the entire person. But that person does not love me. Maybe I need that reminder.

I am still in shock it is over.

[Hadlee]

And herein lies the problem. I am not trying to be negative, maybe there is a human being in there. And maybe not. But even with a negative response, I will know it is truly over. Because truth be told, i don't want it to be (friendship wise). I do not want to miss or grieve for him anymore. But I am starting to miss him. I do not only see the good though. There was good and bad, I can truly say I loved the entire person. But that person does not love me. Maybe I need that reminder.

I am still in shock it is over.

They may do things that seem inhumane at times, but they are human.  Missing someone is natural - he was a big part of your life for a long time.  I'm sorry you are going through this.

Deep down - do you really want to have a friendship with someone who treated you so poorly?  Past behavior is the predictor of future behavior.  Remember your worth, Beach, because you deserve so much more

This is only a suggestion as it is entirely your decision whether you reach out to him or not... .could you perhaps view his NC with you as the reminder that it is truly over?  Free yourself from being stuck that way.

[Beach_Babe]

I am hoping the urge to contact and feelings of "missing" will pass if I just ride it out. Been a couple days now though, getting impatient. How are you today?

[rotiroti]

Shadow: I want a friendship, but I know that is not likely. For good or bad he was my best friend for a decade before we slept together. To think he could just walk away one day hurts so much. I am heartbroken to think he has no good memories and will always hate me. I guess I want the same thing I've gotten with every other ex: closure. A civil conversation, to know I mattered (even if things didn't work out). Yes he's BPD and autistic he was a real b***tard  at the end. But I wasn't perfect either.  I JADEd  and behaved in many ways I'm not proud of. But despite everything I do not hate him. I do not want to remember him as some awful monster. I want closure to believe he is human.

rotiroti: what happened?

Oh man... .every case is different, but there are multiple instances before I initiated total n/c. But the ultimate lesson? nothing had changed. Past behavior is guidelines for future behavior. Sure they behave for a week or month, but it's back to push/pull and the irratic behavior all over again!

[fromheeltoheal]

I never thought he'd leave for GOOD. Oh sure, he had the typical BPD ST and tantrums. Never more than a week tops however. It was always me who initiated the recycle. Yep, I ran after him and apologized. I finally stopped a few months ago, when I hit the point of mental collapse. Could this be interpreted as rejection ?  

Could this be interpreted as rejection ?  

Or abandonment, to a borderline.  And really, how healthy is a relationship where one partner leaves and the other chases them and apologizes, time and again, maybe for things they shouldn't be apologizing for because it wasn't their fault, just to get the relationship back?  You wouldn't have stayed, or chased, unless you were getting something out of it; what was that?

[Beach_Babe]

The first 13 years were actually good.

[rotiroti]

How was it good? Do you have a pros vs con list of those years?



For me the list was an eye opener. Feeling good vs a shopping list of terribads

[fromheeltoheal]

The first 13 years were actually good.

That makes sense, trying to get back to what it was.  I know the pain of trying when it ain't happening and it sucks.  So how are you doing right now with accepting it's over?