Seeking support

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi community,

I've just begun the process of coming to terms with the fact that my mother has BPD. I am currently living at home for a few months before moving and attending graduate school in the fall. This time at home has been so hard and I feel like I've gone backwards in my progress toward taking power of my own life. I'm living in constant fear of "waking the monster" - trying to do everything right to avoid conflict. Today in the face of criticism from my mother I stood up for myself and tried to talk with her. I should have known after years of experience this would get me nowhere but I tried anyway. Anyway, I guess I'm just really hurting right now and trying to put myself together. It's hard to realize that you  have not been properly loved and nurtured as a child. It's hard to accept that I've been abused. Because I'm so stuck in that mindset that I am the one who is always wrong. My mother has never told me I am good and kind. Only mean and horrible and ungrateful.  My therapist thought it would be good to reach out to others going through the same thing. So here I am. Thank you for any and all responses

[notginidra]

Hi community,

I've just begun the process of coming to terms with the fact that my mother has BPD. I am currently living at home for a few months before moving and attending graduate school in the fall. This time at home has been so hard and I feel like I've gone backwards in my progress toward taking power of my own life. I'm living in constant fear of "waking the monster" - trying to do everything right to avoid conflict. Today in the face of criticism from my mother I stood up for myself and tried to talk with her. I should have known after years of experience this would get me nowhere but I tried anyway. Anyway, I guess I'm just really hurting right now and trying to put myself together. It's hard to realize that you  have not been properly loved and nurtured as a child. It's hard to accept that I've been abused. Because I'm so stuck in that mindset that I am the one who is always wrong. My mother has never told me I am good and kind. Only mean and horrible and ungrateful.  My therapist thought it would be good to reach out to others going through the same thing. So here I am. Thank you for any and all responses

[P.F.Change]

Welcome,  notginidra!

I have a mother with BPD also. You are right, there is so much that is hard about having a disordered parent. I understand how you are feeling. Your mother might not ever be able to provide the love and validation you need from her, but you can learn ways to cope with and make up for it so that you can heal. We have some great tools here to help with that process, including the Survivor's Guide (look over in the right-hand margin).

I'm glad you have a therapist for some professional support. That helped me more than anything. I hope to hear more from you!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[HappyChappy]

You do have a lot to taken on all at once. And I hope you're realising much of you mother's critisisum was to do with her BPD, rather than you. But on the upside, leaving for grad school was the saviour of me. Best years of my life. It will take you some time to come to terms, and I’m sure this website can help there.  Let us know what things really wound you up about your mom, and others will probably have similar experiences.

But don’t let that interfere with going to grad school. Will that be you first taste of freedom ? As they say, you don’t realise what you have, until you can dump it and never go back. My BPD mom is definitely only for Christmas – I’d keep a puppy for longer. I use to feel obligated to calling her every week , so we can all mend given time.

Time for you to think about yourself and what's best for you. You’ve got the rest of your life to figure out this BPD and this website will help every step of the way. Welcome to our family. 

[Leaving]

Welcome Notginidra,

You're not doing anything wrong even though it often feels that way.  Empathic and compassionate people that live with unhappy or angry people feel a desire to make things better- especially if they feel responsible for someone else's suffering.  But, in a relationship with a disordered person, we often end up the scapegoat and draining ourselves trying to make them happy.  We end up sacrificing our own well-being  as a result. 

Sadly, you will probably never get what you need from your mother. There will probably always be a part of us that hopes that our mothers will evolve and become present in our lives as loving supportive people but that's unlikely given their disorder.  Your mother is who she is and learning to accept that about her will help you feel confident and guilt-free about the choices you make for yourself.  Whether you are no contact or low contact with your mother you will need to be aware of when you are suffering as a result and create a healthy boundary that protects your personal success and health.

This is a very supportive website full of wisdom and understanding members. 

Hope you will stick around! 

Take Care of yourself   

[GreenGlit]

Hi Notginidra,

Welcome.

I was inspired to respond to this post because I myself am a graduate student struggling to find the right boundaries with my uBPD mom. I still work to accept that my childhood was not the blissful utopia my mother describes it as, but instead was a verbally abusive and confusing world where I was responsible for my mother's feelings and was severely punished and blamed if I wasn't able to perform. What you did today, trying to talk to your mom and stand up for yourself, is exactly what I did for so many years. What I really wanted was her validation - I wanted to explain myself and I longed for her to say, "Oh, now I see it. I'm so sorry you've been hurting." If your mom is anything like mine, imagining her saying something to that effect seems ridiculous. It took me years to accept that my uBPD mom was never going to acknowledge or accept my individuation. The higher up in education I got (I'm a medical student now entering my 4th and final year), the more evident it became that my mother has huge issues with seeing me become my own person.

There are articles on this site about how to manage your frustrations, and how to diffuse the violent outbursts of a BPD's raging episodes. You should read them - they were very helpful to me. I have learned to see my mother for the very ill person she is, and have come to accept that, sadly, she will never be the mother I always needed and deserved. I've also learned to move on and build happiness around me through other people - other family, friends, and peers who know my character and love me as is. You will be able to manage your mother's anger from a stronger place if you KNOW you have built a good and happy life around you.

Good luck. See you around