Has anyone dealt with BPD's and Law Enforcement?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My stbxhusband is an alcoholic... .when we married we were both drinking. I no longer do. I have heard one person will drink less to balance out the other partner- well, I had to stop in this case!  When we married, he asked me if I would stay with him no matter what... .I said of course- not knowing what I was in for! He has had lots of car accidents, one DUI (amazingly not more), hospital times when he was cutting himself, went into our pond (with an alligator) in the back yard with his scuba gear on in the middle of the night, invited strangers over to our home in the middle of the night- one was from the mental hospital - that was a very scary night- He walks people around and tells them how much everything costs in the house! Takes off and stayed in hotels saying he wants to get away from me! One time I had them break down a door at one place because I believed him to be suicidal. He invited people into the house that sell meat out of a truck and bought $1000.00 worth of meat that turned out to be not so good, so it became dog food. He would go out to bars and get himself beat up. He was always losing his cell phone when he went to these bars. He would purposely go into bad neighborhoods drunk and call me to come find him.  He would park his car and forget where it was. He threatened me with knives and often made comments about having "plans" for me as if he was going to do me in, then acted like he would do no such thing (gas lighting). I would tell people if I came up missing to look at him! He made me run out of the house several times because he would hold me tightly and not let me go, then made growling sounds and acted like he was going to bite me. One time it was so bad that I tried to leave the house and He grabbed me and put me on the floor. When I started screaming, he covered my mouth with his hand and wouldn't let me go! When he finally did, I ran for the door again, which he threw me on the sofa and put a pillow over my face because he didn't want to see me crying! Then he stood up and waived his gun in the air and told me "This is going to be a long night"... .I ran out the door and called the police! They arrested him and he spent a week in jail. No one got him out this time. He is still mad at ME for that! This is why I believe he was done with me... .ever since then, he said he didn't trust me anymore! After he did anger management he was on really good behavior, but then I found out he was starting to see someone else and became mean to me again. After a fight on Xmas I went to my sisters. When I came home, I found a co-worker of his, in my bed with him. I called the police to get her and him out. That's when I said enough is enough and if he will not quit drinking and will not get therapy, I cannot do this anymore. Because he was still thinking I would stay with him! I guess... .It's hard to know- maybe he wanted out and he took it to this extreme, I don't know. We continued to talk everyday, until I found out he was in a relationship with another co-worker(a different one)! We stopped all contact two weeks ago today and I am just shocked by the whole situation! What is wrong with me- first of all, of even being sad over all of this... .except that I never intended to get married to get divorced. But how is it that I can go through all of that- and trust me there is more- and now he is not doing it with the new person!  Or will he... .is this to come. I do know he lost his cell phone once since we are apart. He says he is on a downward spiral and I do not need to be a part of it. How can it get any worse? I believe he has a death wish. Truly. This is why I keep wondering if there something wrong with the connection between us that caused all of this and now he will no longer do this? I know we are not to blame ourselves,,,but Why isn't he doing this stuff now or am I just not seeing it? Part of me believes when or if he does... .he will want his wife to be with him and not the Gf. Has anyone been through this sort of extreme behavior? I haven't seen anyone really talk about how bad it can be... .He also has a pending narcotics charge right now because he took someones prescription pills and drove around town wasted on them this Jan. They police picked him up while he was trying to change a tire. He always hits curbs when he is drunk or on something. His lawyer always gets him out of these situations, but we will see. Court is in August... .he is always on good behavior when something is pending as well. He is totally afraid of jail- again, this is my fault... .The police here know of his mental illness at least.  Everyone I know wondered how he keeps his job as he is a dept. manager of a big chain grocery store! He will lose his job if this charge goes through. I don't know what rock bottom is for this guy and the sad thing is, there really is a good guy underneath it all. He just chooses to be bad. He says he hates himself and he is miserable. I believe him. I think he thinks he is saving me from more torture and pain... .

[Herodias]

My stbxhusband is an alcoholic... .when we married we were both drinking. I no longer do. I have heard one person will drink less to balance out the other partner- well, I had to stop in this case!  When we married, he asked me if I would stay with him no matter what... .I said of course- not knowing what I was in for! He has had lots of car accidents, one DUI (amazingly not more), hospital times when he was cutting himself, went into our pond (with an alligator) in the back yard with his scuba gear on in the middle of the night, invited strangers over to our home in the middle of the night- one was from the mental hospital - that was a very scary night- He walks people around and tells them how much everything costs in the house! Takes off and stayed in hotels saying he wants to get away from me! One time I had them break down a door at one place because I believed him to be suicidal. He invited people into the house that sell meat out of a truck and bought $1000.00 worth of meat that turned out to be not so good, so it became dog food. He would go out to bars and get himself beat up. He was always losing his cell phone when he went to these bars. He would purposely go into bad neighborhoods drunk and call me to come find him.  He would park his car and forget where it was. He threatened me with knives and often made comments about having "plans" for me as if he was going to do me in, then acted like he would do no such thing (gas lighting). I would tell people if I came up missing to look at him! He made me run out of the house several times because he would hold me tightly and not let me go, then made growling sounds and acted like he was going to bite me. One time it was so bad that I tried to leave the house and He grabbed me and put me on the floor. When I started screaming, he covered my mouth with his hand and wouldn't let me go! When he finally did, I ran for the door again, which he threw me on the sofa and put a pillow over my face because he didn't want to see me crying! Then he stood up and waived his gun in the air and told me "This is going to be a long night"... .I ran out the door and called the police! They arrested him and he spent a week in jail. No one got him out this time. He is still mad at ME for that! This is why I believe he was done with me... .ever since then, he said he didn't trust me anymore! After he did anger management he was on really good behavior, but then I found out he was starting to see someone else and became mean to me again. After a fight on Xmas I went to my sisters. When I came home, I found a co-worker of his, in my bed with him. I called the police to get her and him out. That's when I said enough is enough and if he will not quit drinking and will not get therapy, I cannot do this anymore. Because he was still thinking I would stay with him! I guess... .It's hard to know- maybe he wanted out and he took it to this extreme, I don't know. We continued to talk everyday, until I found out he was in a relationship with another co-worker(a different one)! We stopped all contact two weeks ago today and I am just shocked by the whole situation! What is wrong with me- first of all, of even being sad over all of this... .except that I never intended to get married to get divorced. But how is it that I can go through all of that- and trust me there is more- and now he is not doing it with the new person!  Or will he... .is this to come. I do know he lost his cell phone once since we are apart. He says he is on a downward spiral and I do not need to be a part of it. How can it get any worse? I believe he has a death wish. Truly. This is why I keep wondering if there something wrong with the connection between us that caused all of this and now he will no longer do this? I know we are not to blame ourselves,,,but Why isn't he doing this stuff now or am I just not seeing it? Part of me believes when or if he does... .he will want his wife to be with him and not the Gf. Has anyone been through this sort of extreme behavior? I haven't seen anyone really talk about how bad it can be... .He also has a pending narcotics charge right now because he took someones prescription pills and drove around town wasted on them this Jan. They police picked him up while he was trying to change a tire. He always hits curbs when he is drunk or on something. His lawyer always gets him out of these situations, but we will see. Court is in August... .he is always on good behavior when something is pending as well. He is totally afraid of jail- again, this is my fault... .The police here know of his mental illness at least.  Everyone I know wondered how he keeps his job as he is a dept. manager of a big chain grocery store! He will lose his job if this charge goes through. I don't know what rock bottom is for this guy and the sad thing is, there really is a good guy underneath it all. He just chooses to be bad. He says he hates himself and he is miserable. I believe him. I think he thinks he is saving me from more torture and pain... .

[livednlearned]

Hi Herodias,

It sounds like you've had a real go with all the BPD behaviors, and on top of it his co-morbid substance abuse issues. I'm sorry you're going through the grieving process like this, after 8 years of marriage and now an affair. There is often an idealization stage in the beginning of a new relationship, so it's more than likely that the new GF won't see the behaviors until something snaps or triggers him. Court in August, maybe. Or... .divorce, if that's where things are heading.

Are you waiting to watch and see what happens before committing to divorce? Or are you looking for peer support about what these divorces can be like?

My ex is also an alcoholic, very fond of taking different prescription pills when intoxicated. Although his social anxiety kept him home and DUIs were not a problem.

I hope you'll share more and let us know how we can support you here.  

LnL

[Herodias]

Thank you... .I think I was waiting to see how things go before divorcing, but now that he seems happy to be in a new relationship... .I need to give up any hope of him getting the help he needs. I worry about his future, but there is nothing I can do about it. Right now I am trying so very hard to recover from all of this. I went to church today and the sermon was all about forgiveness and understanding that "hurt people-hurt people"... .I left there bawling and had a huge cry when I got home. There is nothing I can do but leave it to God to heal both of us... .I am told my life will be so much better without him. I am such sad to see this young girl being love bombed, proclaiming she has found her life partner (even though neither are divorced yet) and drinking with him! It's so ridiculous. I am embarrassed by the whole thing. He is too immature mentally to deal with himself I guess. I have to move on... .I am here for understanding and support. I haven't heard from him in two weeks now. I feel like I didn't matter at all to him. He said he is grateful for all I did to help him, that I tried and he let me down. It's very sad. I cannot trust him at all and need to move on. I think I am very lonely, but in no shape to meet anyone else yet. It's safe for me to talk to people on this site for understanding and company I suppose... .

[maxen]

hi Herodias. i am so sorry to hear about your painful situation. the end of relationships with people w/BPD can be madly confusing. everyone here has experienced it in some way and will understand the story you have to tell.

it was two years ago today that my wife came home from work, announced that there was somebody else, and drove away, after 7 years of marriage. i'm still not recovered, and i don't say that to worry you, but to point out that recovery from heavy events like this takes its own pace. you've been through a trauma. please don't take decisions hastily, about new r/ss or anything else. do you have friends or family who see what's up? can you talk to a counselor? you can talk it out here!

[livednlearned]

Hi Herodias,

It's very painful, maybe even more so for those of us who loved someone with BPD, to suddenly find ourselves out in the cold, after all we endured. We forgive so much, and hope so much. It takes a while to grieve, and my experience is that it isn't linear. I would feel better for a while, and then something would start the sobbing. It would feel like the bottom one day, a bit better the next, strong and centered after that, and then back to the bottom. I wasn't in a position to date for about two years after my 10 year marriage ended, and the quiet and silence allowed so much to come up. Sometimes it was old, painful feelings that brought me to my knees. It's odd to say, but feeling those old feelings brought relief. After the storm, the calm, as they say. Maybe you felt that after your cry following church?

It's safe here to seek understanding. People here understand and have been there. We know, for example, that when someone says, "Your life will be so much better without him" that you might feel hollow, as though people don't know how much you're hurting to be without him after all these years. Meanwhile, he is with someone else.

BPD is a serious mental illness. His current GF will experience the same behaviors, that is guaranteed. No one recovers from BPD without serious, long-term intensive treatment, and he has substance abuse problems on top of everything. That makes it doubly hard, making the chances for him to help himself almost zero.

That's what is so hard about these relationships. By rescuing and protecting and fixing and trying to save them from themselves, we only prolong the inevitable. They have to hit rock bottom, choose to heal, and stick with it. No short cuts.

[Godslove]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I did a lot of different things with BPD. alcohol, drugs, pills... etc at the beginning of our marriage. It was a new world for me then I couldn't bear with guiltiness afterwards. His whole family of 30-40 members do it at family parties. My children have been seen their mom moms and pop pops drinking and screaming since their birth and they can clean up very nicely like their dad. wealthy and respected at work.  

Anyway, my counselor who counseled me and BPD for eight years (I still see her time to time) asked me last time. Why do you still protect him? I asked, do I? she says, yes. I didn't even know I still did... a forced habit from 10 years of marriage. We are separated for one year now. The father's weekend he said he can't see the kids, there was a picture of him and his gf kissing on face book in the family wedding who has three kids (Kids were invited). It felt weird to actually see the picture but the fact that he didn't want to take the kids to the wedding because he wanted to party with his gf only makes me that I will do my best trying to get the full legal custody.

With all these, some of my family and friends still tell me to give in every thing for our kids' sake. Drop the lawyer and walk away. They don't understand BPD. They see the nice outside of him and his words.  I pray and I lean on God as well. Here, we do understand. I do get a lot of support from here too!

[ForeverDad]

When we married, he asked me if I would stay with him no matter what... .I said of course- not knowing what I was in for!

You have a right to periodically, or upon concerning events, to review and reconsider prior commitments, obligations and promises.  "No matter what" may be appropriate - but only to an certain extent as part of commitment - but not an endless blanket excuse in extreme cases.

He would purposely go into bad neighborhoods drunk and call me to come find him.  He would park his car and forget where it was. He threatened me with knives and often made comments about having "plans" for me as if he was going to do me in, then acted like he would do no such thing (gas lighting). I would tell people if I came up missing to look at him! He made me run out of the house several times because he would hold me tightly and not let me go, then made growling sounds and acted like he was going to bite me. One time it was so bad that I tried to leave the house and He grabbed me and put me on the floor. When I started screaming, he covered my mouth with his hand and wouldn't let me go! When he finally did, I ran for the door again, which he threw me on the sofa and put a pillow over my face because he didn't want to see me crying! Then he stood up and waived his gun in the air and told me "This is going to be a long night"... .I ran out the door and called the police! They arrested him and he spent a week in jail. No one got him out this time.

This is out-and-out abuse, no other way do describe your danger.

The odds are he will not change.  That requires you to ponder the only alternative - you have to change yourself so you get reasonable protection.  :)istance is a good start.  Letting him back into your life over and over again is not a solution.  He has demonstration a consistent pattern.  He may make promises to change but until he proves positive change with intensive therapy over years, you can't trust it.

After a fight on Xmas I went to my sisters. When I came home, I found a co-worker of his, in my bed with him. I called the police to get her and him out. That's when I said enough is enough and if he will not quit drinking and will not get therapy, I cannot do this anymore... .We continued to talk everyday, until I found out he was in a relationship with another co-worker (a different one)!

You set a boundary, don't weaken it.  As I wrote above, you can't trust nay short term improvements or promises, he has repeatedly proven they don't last and before long you're betrayed or back in danger again.

While religious perspectives are less sought after these days, if you have religious background, understand that infidelity is a religiously recognized basis for divorce.  :)on't feel guilted if you end the marriage if for nothing else than these incidents.  (You know of two, probably there are more!)  Then add the endangerment, you have every reason to end the relationship.

This is why I keep wondering if there something wrong with the connection between us that caused all of this and now he will no longer do this? I know we are not to blame ourselves,,,but Why isn't he doing this stuff now or am I just not seeing it?

While he may not be impacted to the extent of requiring institutionalization, his mental illness does affect his relationships, the closer they are, the more evident the dysfunction is.  Mental illness is when the brain, thoughts, processes, whatever, are skewed and distorted.  It won't make sense because it is mental illness.  Yes, it can be categorized, explained, taught in textbooks and classrooms, diagnosed, etc, but it still won't make sense.  So don't keep spinning in circles trying to figure it out.  Accept he has serious issues.  Accept you are too close to him for him to get past his emotional and behavioral perceptions and actually listen long term.  Accept that since he still has not changed, it is up to you to protect yourself, top priority.  He is an adult, you can't live his life for him, not after so many instances of abuse, endangerment, infidelity, etc.

Sorry, that's the name of this site... .bpdfamily.com.

I haven't seen anyone really talk about how bad it can be... .He also has a pending narcotics charge right now because he took someones prescription pills and drove around town wasted on them this Jan. The police picked him up while he was trying to change a tire. He always hits curbs when he is drunk or on something. His lawyer always gets him out of these situations, but we will see... .I don't know what rock bottom is for this guy and the sad thing is, there really is a good guy underneath it all. He just chooses to be bad. He says he hates himself and he is miserable. I believe him... .

Don't, repeat, don't hide his poor behaviors.  :)on't try to "save the day".  Let him face His Consequences.  Even in court.  Even with his work.  Seriously.  Maybe it will finally have an impact.  Likely not, for all you know he may not have a "rock bottom".  Therefore:  Protect yourself is the #1 priority, as well as protect the children, if any.

Contemplating separation and divorce is especially difficult for us who really tried to make a marriage or relationship work.  But it is necessary to be objective.  Try stepping "outside the box".  Ponder this... .If you had a friend who had been experiencing all you experienced, what would you advise that friend?