Where do BPD end up?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD ex is in her late forties. When I met her, she was a few months out of a 13 year marriage that she had left.

Before we split she had her new guy waiting - his wife was dying of cancer. Once his wife died, my girlfriend did the triangulation thing, until I finally broke it off. Before I broke it off she said she did not love the new guy, and wanted to be with me. I broke it off anyway.

She is now with him. They are both from the same high school. They are both in their late forties. His wife just died.

Will it last? I don't know. She is diagnosed and knows very well her condition.

She wanted someone to 'look after her'. She feared growing old.

Her mother is BPD, and she has been alone for the last 20 years. I can't imagine my ex being alone. She would die of despair and  loneliness.

There seems to be a consensus that BPD people cannot sustain relationships. So the question is, where do they end up? Do they just keep doing this dance with partners until they die?

[NonBPDEx]

My BPD ex is in her late forties. When I met her, she was a few months out of a 13 year marriage that she had left.

Before we split she had her new guy waiting - his wife was dying of cancer. Once his wife died, my girlfriend did the triangulation thing, until I finally broke it off. Before I broke it off she said she did not love the new guy, and wanted to be with me. I broke it off anyway.

She is now with him. They are both from the same high school. They are both in their late forties. His wife just died.

Will it last? I don't know. She is diagnosed and knows very well her condition.

She wanted someone to 'look after her'. She feared growing old.

Her mother is BPD, and she has been alone for the last 20 years. I can't imagine my ex being alone. She would die of despair and  loneliness.

There seems to be a consensus that BPD people cannot sustain relationships. So the question is, where do they end up? Do they just keep doing this dance with partners until they die?

[JRT]

I suspect that they are either the 'crazy cat lady' that lives in the condo down the street or she is 'cousin Susan' who 'never met the right man'. They are all around us but they keep their stories very well protected... .even from themselves.

[NonBPDEx]

I can't imagine my ex being the crazy cat lady down the street. Even at her age, she is quite naturally attractive. Slim, sensual, and alluring. She can easily get men whenever she wants. No crazy cat lady ever looked like her.

And I can't imagine her being alone without self-destructing from despair.

[JRT]

Trust me; one day her good looks will be a memory. Meanwhile, untreated, her condition continues on and she proceeds in sabotaging her relationships despite wanting nothing more than the opposite... .or maybe she WILL self destruct.  The best predictor of the future is the past.

[Mr Hollande]

Before I broke it off she said she did not love the new guy, and wanted to be with me. I broke it off anyway.

Strong!

[confounded]

My friend is also very sensual, beautiful in a non-conventional way with all her tattoos and piercings, and quite alluring. There's little doubt that using her looks and body language alone, there's a few men that could resist her when she's got her game on (if you don't mind the ink, etc.). But she's definitively heading for the crazy cat lady territory - she's herself thinks so, and she's turned into a bit of a recluse these days, even if she's married (her husband isn't the outgoing type himself) - and when we still were friends, it seemed that she had the most fulfilling relationship with her cat anyway.

[lipstick]

Hi NonBPDex,

I've often wondered about this as well. My ex went back to his spouse of 26 years after dumping me and running away. Don't ask about the background on that - suffice it to say I was told a ton of lies and I should have known better !

Anyway - the ex has a TON of health issues. Let's go down the list, shall we?

Alcoholic - full set of varicose veins in left leg (by the age of 32) - arthritis in his spine - neuropathy in hands and feet - fused discs in his spine - high blood pressure / cholesterol - chronic sinus problems.

This man is only 52 !  So where will he end up? Probably dead before he reaches 60. His marriage is a joke. High-conflict & both are disordered. Yet - he puts on such a front on Facebook. Absolutely mind-boggling. Everything is perfect! Life is so amazing and he is "blessed". However - my aunt ran into him just last week. He kept his head down and did not make eye contact with her - but I guarantee you that he had already spotted her before she saw him. My aunt said he was stooped over, hobbling (!), and looked like a decrepit, broken-down old man.

So this is where he will end up. The emotional pain that he has heaped on people throughout the years is now (in my opinion) coming back to him in the form of physical limitations. Probably end up in a wheelchair very soon. His doctors told him to retire about 12 years ago. He could collect disability if he so chose. He stubbornly refuses to acknowledge what is happening to him. His is an alternate reality. And he will soon become a complete burden to his spouse.

This is where he will end up!  Disabled, angry, broke and dependent on his abusive spouse for his everyday needs. Pitiful.

[BorisAcusio]

Trust me; one day her good looks will be a memory. Meanwhile, untreated, her condition continues on and she proceeds in sabotaging her relationships despite wanting nothing more than the opposite... .or maybe she WILL self destruct.  The best predictor of the future is the past.

Well, even if their looks slowly fades, what they can offer will be still viable and attrictive for older males.

[going places]

My ex has more NPD and ADPD markers than BPD... .

How will he end up?

Like he always has; Smelling Like A Rose.

He will find some poor empty headed woman that he can manipulate, and she will become his 'mommy'.

Cook, clean, take care of all the bills, ect.

All he has to do is go to work, and come home. The End.

I imagine she will be much younger.

I keep seeing people post about how 'attractive, sensual, outgoing' their BPD ex females are, and how they can catch 'any guy' they want... .

And when I have those days, where I am 'down' and 'self doubting'... .I realize "Hey at least I'm not BPD, because I am an ok looking gal, I am in great shape, and no one even 'double takes' me, much less asks me out!"

Good question is "Where do women who were loyal for 25 years to an abusive husband end up when he dumps her?"

[NonBPDEx]

Good question is "Where do women who were loyal for 25 years to an abusive husband end up when he dumps her?"

Hence my original question. My ex is now with my replacement. He has a nice house in the country. What she always wanted. She says she is happy, and at peace. It just seems unfair.

[Herodias]

Going Places, I have asked the same thing... .I am a wonderful person and have been told I am very attractive. Why can't I get a date? - I have a friend that's ex of many years did the same thing, ran off with some woman... .she told him she would never take him back. Now years later, he is in his 70's and is in a state run senior home and keeps leaving there only to walk from one town, over a very large bridge highway, back to her house and bangs on her door! This happens about once a month! She has to call the police and they feel sorry for the poor guy with "dementia" and take him back! She is like, he doesn't have dementia! He knows where he is going- he calls her and tells her she can have all his social security money if she will only take him back. She feels sorry for him and she is not happy at all that she is seeing what happened to him. She has to explain that she is too old to care for someone in his condition anymore. But he keeps it up. She has called over and over for them to watch him better, so he cannot do this. He has even been mugged along the way. It's very sad. My stbx thinks he will not live past 50, he is 34... .I think he is working on a slow death. He Drinks excessively, smokes, stays stressed to cause irritable bowel syndrome, takes pills, has permiscuous sex and cuts himself... .plays with guns when drunk, drives recklessly and has gotten into may accidents, He hates himself he says. He says he is on a downward spiral and I don't need to go down with him. It's very sad. I kept saying, why do you have to go in that direction? He doesn't answer. My heart breaks for both of us... .but I cannot deal with this anymore. His new gf has no idea what she is in for and she left her husband for him! She is in the love-bombing stage... .but I saw a recent photo of him on FB sitting on her couch with a beer looking very unhappy. It gives me peace in that I know it was not me that caused the unhappiness- he will never be happy. I think sometimes we think they are normal and somehow they will be happier with someone else, but I could tell in his face that wasn't so.

[going places]

Good question is "Where do women who were loyal for 25 years to an abusive husband end up when he dumps her?"

Hence my original question. My ex is now with my replacement. He has a nice house in the country. What she always wanted. She says she is happy, and at peace. It just seems unfair.

Ironic.

We had a lovely home in the country, something he said he wanted; now he lives in a condo and loves the 'carefree' lifestyle... .

At the end of the day, I just don't care what he does or who he does it with.

He is a liar, and a monster.

My selfish question is "what about me"?

I gave the best 25 years of my life being a wife and a mother. Then I was dumped... .

Men my age want women 1/2 their age.

What's a girl to do?  

[going places]

Going Places, I have asked the same thing... .I am a wonderful person and have been told I am very attractive. Why can't I get a date? -

www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-all-people-with-resting-b___face-will-understand?utm_term=.vtmQ7gp6X&fb_ref=click_share#.dvVkV3dZB

I think this ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ is MY problem! LOL

[SummerStorm]

Right now, she is living with her boyfriend (the one she said she was going to leave for me because he "hit" her).  He keeps telling her to get a job.  Right now, she isn't helping to pay the rent or any of the bills.

She graduated from college last December with a teaching degree, but she made a lot of mistakes during student teaching, so the teacher she was with won't recommend her for any job.  She got two long-term positions at the school after that, and she never bothered to ask the principal to observe her.  She also never got a reference letter from her. 

The day after she told me she should get a reference letter before school ended, she tried to commit suicide.  The principal knows the whole story, and I don't think she would be at all comfortable recommending her for any job, especially not one in education.

So, she basically wasted four years in college.  She'll probably end up working at a restaurant (nothing wrong with that, but sad for someone who completed student teaching and had two long-term positions) or at a gas station.  And she'll eventually mess up enough at that job and get fired, and the cycle will continue. 

[findingmyselfagain]

My unBPD former fiancé was married twice before she met me. She went out with a co-worker just 4 days after our wedding shower. Long story short is that it made no sense, because things seemed to be going well. Later on she told me she didn't always tell me what she was thinking, and she blamed me for having massive panic attacks at that time. I know through the grapevine that she hasn't married again yet. Five years "single" is by far a record for her. I don't have any ill will toward her because I know that she is hurt. But I wonder if she will marry again, or if she will go from one chaotic relationship to another, which is basically what her marriages were. My feeling is that the patterns continue until a breakthrough happens. It's been hard for me to work thru my own issues which I discovered, so I can't imagine it's easy for someone who experiences such a black/white, different kind of reality than most.

[UserName69]

I have zero contact with her and I don't want to contact her/I never will. She's an alcohol abuser and a chain smoker. Her financial matters are a disaster there is a chance she'll lose her house if she doesn't find a job. I know 100% for sure she won't find a job because she talks a lot of BS which is very annoying. She always thinks she can outsmart people but in reality she's fooling herself. So where is this going to end with her? I see two options:

- She loses her house and she'll become homeless. Probably she ends up with a fellow semi homeless guy who'll abuse her in any form.

- She keeps her house, keeps abusing alcohol and cigarettes and eventually cancer will strike her and she'll die.

To be honest I wouldn't care if any of the above would actually overcome her. Yeah I know it sounds hard but still I really can't love or even feel sorry for her. I lost all respect for her.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine is comorbid npd. He is also worthless, low functioning and autistic so I imagine he will end up face down in the dirt like always. But given his sense of grandiosity, it will never be his fault. His fat fingers never stop trolling the Internet for supply so he is never lonely. He will probably live with mommy until she passes then will inherit millions more. He never has to worry about work, and I'm sure will eventually find another sucker  like me who is willing to stick around and take care of him.

[Trog]

Back in a human body to redo the life lesson they clearly missed the first time around.

Or they go back to the planet Git from whence they came. 

[cosmonaut]

Hence my original question. My ex is now with my replacement. He has a nice house in the country. What she always wanted. She says she is happy, and at peace. It just seems unfair.

May I ask why this is such an important question for you?

[NonBPDEx]

Because I left her. She is now with someone new. I need to know I did the right thing.

I feel incredible guilt and remorse, self doubt, and second guessing whether I did the right thing when I broke it off. For all I know I might have been doing the push-pull thing on her by breaking up. Maybe that is why I am feeling so bad about it now.

She is with someone new that she was grooming. But she made it clear she was interested in me, not in him.

If they were to break up tomorrow, then I could get some kind of validation that I was not wrong breaking up with her.

I know I should wish her well, and accept it when she says she is 'at peace' now with her new guy. I am not there yet.

There seems to be disagreement as to what happens to people who are BPD. That they either become rejects on the margins of society (I certainly do not want that for her), or that they get better over time.

What if I had been more committed? I did not know about BPD until after I broke it off (even though she pretty much described it to me in detail).

I actually do not want anything bad for her. I do not want her to become the cat lady down the street. For my own selfish reasons I want the guy who enticed her and most probably slept with her before I broke it off to suffer for it.

Though I love her, and there is a voice inside me that says she needs someone to look after her, and she deserves a 'happy ever after' as we all do, I think it would kill me if she got that after I was the one that left.

[Ripples]

Don't second guess yourself NonBPDEx. That will drive you crazy.

I have been where you are and its not nice. From my experience we, as partners did nothing wrong. Admittedly we could have handled ourselves better sometimes im sure but this was not the reason for the relationship failure. We were used, abused and discarded.

My ex was extremely narcissistic and spent a considerable amount of effort reflecting back to the world the image of happiness and normality. To the unsuspecting her life looks wonderful, dynamic, fun, loving, wow wow bloody wow wow. But it isnt. Nobodies life is like some fairy tale.

Don't question your responses - they were normal.

Don't believe what you see in her mirror - its purpose is to fool you.

That said, regardless of what her life may really be like now and regardless of what she may say - it doesnt mean her future is with you. Your past will confirm this. They don't change.

[once removed]

Because I left her. She is now with someone new. I need to know I did the right thing.

I feel incredible guilt and remorse, self doubt, and second guessing whether I did the right thing when I broke it off.

nonBPDex, i sincerely feel you on that one. in my case, i was the one left, and immediately she was with someone new. at the time, i was kicking myself for not having ended it. in retrospect, i consider how i would have felt if i had left and she found someone new, and i think youre expressing it. i would have felt indescribable doubt. each of our situations is each others alternative. does that make sense? knowing that, i wouldnt change what happened. you left for a reason, whatever it was. i stayed for a reason, whatever it was. it ended for a reason, whatever it was. that doesnt make the results any less painful, and your feelings of self doubt are understandable. given time, however, they are likely to pass.

"I know I should wish her well, and accept it when she says she is 'at peace' now with her new guy. I am not there yet."

thats okay. you dont have to be. it takes time.

"There seems to be disagreement as to what happens to people who are BPD. That they either become rejects on the margins of society (I certainly do not want that for her), or that they get better over time."

its not that simple. yes, there is a "hermit" type of BPD. yes, symptoms of BPD can remit with age (or not, or get worse), and yes, symptoms of BPD can improve with therapy. they do not all fit neatly in one category or another any more than we do.

"What if I had been more committed? I did not know about BPD until after I broke it off (even though she pretty much described it to me in detail)."

what if you had? your relationship may have been longer, it may have been shorter. you say she is with someone that she was "grooming". my ex had a partner "waiting in the wings". questioning our role in the relationship is extremely useful, especially going forward, as youre ready, since we are the only ones we can control. but being that we are the only ones we can control, this still may have happened, out of your control.

"I actually do not want anything bad for her. I do not want her to become the cat lady down the street. For my own selfish reasons I want the guy who enticed her and most probably slept with her before I broke it off to suffer for it."

this is understandable, but in fairness, he likely either had no idea, or had a very different idea. it was a  for me when i realized, or at least suspected, that i was likely a "replacement" myself. down the road, you may realize you are/were in a pretty similar boat as this person.

"Though I love her, and there is a voice inside me that says she needs someone to look after her, and she deserves a 'happy ever after' as we all do, I think it would kill me if she got that after I was the one that left."

your ex has likely not gone through a period of serious introspection, self awareness, self improvement, etc. repeating mistakes in relationships is not unique to BPD, but when we fail to do those things, we tend to simply repeat our mistakes, albeit with different people. you can overcome these feelings but it will take time. it will take introspection, self awareness, self improvement, etc. it will take accepting that this was out of your control, and that thats okay. i still think it helps to realize that if you change the variables (ie if you hadnt left and she had) youd also be in pain. youd have a lot of the same self doubt: "what if id been a better partner?".

hang in there. give it time. it gets better.

[NonBPDEx]

Thanks Ripples / once removed. I think I will need to read these responses multiple times to try to get them to sink in.

Yes, if she had been the one to leave then instead of self-doubt, I would be grappling with abandonment issues. Not sure which one, if either of the two, are less painful.

[Tomzxz]

Heck, my girlfriend was the crazy cat lady shortly before I met her.  Her coworkers joked when one of her three cats died that she would be un-dateable if she got another.  She's down to one cat now (a cute but neurotic little black one) but I could very easily see her as the crazy cat lady again when her new life inevitably falls apart.  As a matter of fact she takes enormous offense to the cat lady label, probably because it hits so close to home.

JRT said it best:



"Trust me; one day her good looks will be a memory. Meanwhile, untreated, her condition continues on and she proceeds in sabotaging her relationships despite wanting nothing more than the opposite... .or maybe she WILL self destruct.  The best predictor of the future is the past."

[cosmonaut]

Because I left her. She is now with someone new. I need to know I did the right thing.

I feel incredible guilt and remorse, self doubt, and second guessing whether I did the right thing when I broke it off. For all I know I might have been doing the push-pull thing on her by breaking up. Maybe that is why I am feeling so bad about it now.

I think it's noble that you are concerned with the welfare of your ex.  Why did you end up leaving her?  I'm sure that you must have had some compelling reason.  Are you second guessing leaving the relationship or just your reason for leaving?  Or is it that you want to avoid hurting your ex?

[NonBPDEx]

I think it's noble that you are concerned with the welfare of your ex.  Why did you end up leaving her?  I'm sure that you must have had some compelling reason.  Are you second guessing leaving the relationship or just your reason for leaving?  Or is it that you want to avoid hurting your ex?

I left her for many of the reasons people have issues with pwBPD. There was very little raging, and there was empathy and caring. She tried very hard to make it work.

However, I felt I could not always depend on her. I felt a certain amount of FOG, push/pull, expectations that could never be met. Issues of trust, stability.

I do not feel guilt for hurting her. She said it was over a couple of times in the past, and I just said OK. Each time she immediately came back. But when I said I needed a break, she was gone. She is with someone new now, and seems happy with it.

I am second guessing leaving her. I am second guessing because I feel that perhaps I did not really commit to the relationship on the level I should have.

I am second guessing because maybe I said I needed a break thinking subconsciously that she would still be there.

[cosmonaut]

However, I felt I could not always depend on her. I felt a certain amount of FOG, push/pull, expectations that could never be met. Issues of trust, stability.

This is a very nice, heartfelt reply.

Given what you are saying above, do you believe that a stable relationship would have been possible with her?  I think that's a very important thing to consider when we need to decide about remaining in a relationship.  Perhaps this is what you were picking up on?  If so, I think anyone could understand wanting to end the relationship.  Is it giving up on a relationship if the relationship is a dead end?

[still_in_shock]

I hear you. I've invested 1.5 yrs of my life into "building him up" from a barely educated unemployed service sector worker into a white color job and admission to the best graduate program for free with the brightest career prospects possible. Once he got the job, got into the school and realized he's going to have a great future, he dumped me.

And within the same 1.5 yrs that I was "building" him up, I've lost my own job (never been unemployed before) and my looks have faded. Never previously financially struggled prior to him, I was shopping and investing into my body and looks. With him, I've hit the rock bottom of financial shortages, couldn't afford what I did previously, and been dumped by him told I was a "financial burden".

He is now at the nation's best school living in a frat house **ing around college girls.

Speaking of fairness.

Good question is "Where do women who were loyal for 25 years to an abusive husband end up when he dumps her?"

Hence my original question. My ex is now with my replacement. He has a nice house in the country. What she always wanted. She says she is happy, and at peace. It just seems unfair.

[NonBPDEx]

do you believe that a stable relationship would have been possible with her?  I think that's a very important thing to consider when we need to decide about remaining in a relationship.  Perhaps this is what you were picking up on?  If so, I think anyone could understand wanting to end the relationship.  Is it giving up on a relationship if the relationship is a dead end?

Perhaps not. I do not know. She is in her 40's. She had a 6 year relationship, followed by a 13 year relationship before I met her. Is that an indication of someone who could or could not commit for life? I do not know.

If I had stuck it out until such time that she left, and put my heart into it, then I do not feel I would be feeling this way.

I was in a previous r/s for 18 years with a woman who I am reasonably sure was uBPD. I put my heart into that, and she left. I did, and do not feel remorse over that r/s because I know I tried my best.

Thank you for the words of encouragement Cosmonaut.