3 questions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi folks.

I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment, probably partially because for the past couple of months, even though we've been broken up, we've still had increasingly awful contact... .Attempts on both our sides to make things better, which of course fail, and then add to the list of horrors... .She now hates me because my latest "crime" just confirms all her fears about me, and she never wants anything to do with me again, to protect herself from me, and it may be true this time, it certainly feels like it, but it's felt like it before... .

Anyway, I have 3 questions I'd appreciate support with, apparently random I know, but all linked because they're my life.

1- why do I want her to contact me? She's horrible to me. I rehearse responses to her for if she does contact me, in which I explain to her how I'd love to be with her but can't because... .So what on earth is it in me that wants nothing more than for her to text call or turn up, even though I know how it'll end up? I hate myself for this.

2- what does it actually mean to sit with your feelings and how does this help? I have spent many hours feeling utterly lonely, sad, angry, hurt... .It doesn't feel as though that's helping, so all I can do is come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong.

3- my therapist has disappeared and I'm not sure what to do. Am trying hard not to take it personally but finding it hard! She cancelled an appointment and said she'd rearrange, but didnt and I've contacted her twice now with no reply. Not sure how to handle this...

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on any of these questions, I don't have anyone in my real life who I can talk to about any of these things, I'm not quite sure what I'd do without you guys at the moment.

Thank you

Mel

[Mel1968]

Hi folks.

I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment, probably partially because for the past couple of months, even though we've been broken up, we've still had increasingly awful contact... .Attempts on both our sides to make things better, which of course fail, and then add to the list of horrors... .She now hates me because my latest "crime" just confirms all her fears about me, and she never wants anything to do with me again, to protect herself from me, and it may be true this time, it certainly feels like it, but it's felt like it before... .

Anyway, I have 3 questions I'd appreciate support with, apparently random I know, but all linked because they're my life.

1- why do I want her to contact me? She's horrible to me. I rehearse responses to her for if she does contact me, in which I explain to her how I'd love to be with her but can't because... .So what on earth is it in me that wants nothing more than for her to text call or turn up, even though I know how it'll end up? I hate myself for this.

2- what does it actually mean to sit with your feelings and how does this help? I have spent many hours feeling utterly lonely, sad, angry, hurt... .It doesn't feel as though that's helping, so all I can do is come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong.

3- my therapist has disappeared and I'm not sure what to do. Am trying hard not to take it personally but finding it hard! She cancelled an appointment and said she'd rearrange, but didnt and I've contacted her twice now with no reply. Not sure how to handle this...

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on any of these questions, I don't have anyone in my real life who I can talk to about any of these things, I'm not quite sure what I'd do without you guys at the moment.

Thank you

Mel

[going places]

Hi folks.

I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment, probably partially because for the past couple of months, even though we've been broken up, we've still had increasingly awful contact... .Attempts on both our sides to make things better, which of course fail, and then add to the list of horrors... .She now hates me because my latest "crime" just confirms all her fears about me, and she never wants anything to do with me again, to protect herself from me, and it may be true this time, it certainly feels like it, but it's felt like it before... .

Anyway, I have 3 questions I'd appreciate support with, apparently random I know, but all linked because they're my life.

1- why do I want her to contact me? She's horrible to me. I rehearse responses to her for if she does contact me, in which I explain to her how I'd love to be with her but can't because... .So what on earth is it in me that wants nothing more than for her to text call or turn up, even though I know how it'll end up? I hate myself for this.

Habit. Familaririty, fear of the unknown so you stick w/ what you know (even though it's bad)

Stop rehearsing, and spend that time and energy, putting positive things into you life.

2- what does it actually mean to sit with your feelings and how does this help? I have spent many hours feeling utterly lonely, sad, angry, hurt... .It doesn't feel as though that's helping, so all I can do is come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong.

I have no idea what that means.

I have chosen NOT to seek out a therapist on a regular basis... .but I do seek the advice of an advocate (licensed professional) when I get "stuck".

I don't want to get weighed down with a bunch of 'psych-language' and grable... .I just want to know (a) what is wrong (b) what is the course of action to correct the wrong (c) how to never make this mistake again.

3- my therapist has disappeared and I'm not sure what to do. Am trying hard not to take it personally but finding it hard! She cancelled an appointment and said she'd rearrange, but didnt and I've contacted her twice now with no reply. Not sure how to handle this...

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on any of these questions, I don't have anyone in my real life who I can talk to about any of these things, I'm not quite sure what I'd do without you guys at the moment.

Thank you

Mel

Mel, I am so sorry.

I did not have anyone for the first year after the initial trauma.

Then for the next 2 years, I had 1 friend, who managed to turn on me in the end... .

I spent hours reading psych text books, asking for advice on line (from places like this) and Praying... .I mean praying like I was getting paid by the word.

I would see about finding a different T, one that is invested in helping you heal; and I found (personally) group sessions to be VERY healing. And helpful.

[Mel1968]

Thanks going places, what you say makes sense, although I'm not sure what an advocate is, I always thought that was to with the law, and thankfully I'm not needing that at least.

I know I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, is the only possible option.

I do have friends but they so do not understand, so I have to not talk about it, but it's my life and the on,y thing I can think about, so I'm avoiding them really. I know they are on my side and doing what they think is best by telling me to get over it, she's a nightmare so how could I possibly still even think about her etc etc but I don't really want to hear it.

Thanks for sharing your story - I've read your posts and often find bits of inspiration in them

All the best

Mel

Ps you mentioned group sessions but I'm not sure what there is ... I'm in UK and have looked online for possible things but drawn a blank, so if anyone knows of anythig I could check out I'd be grateful .

[fromheeltoheal]

2- what does it actually mean to sit with your feelings and how does this help? I have spent many hours feeling utterly lonely, sad, angry, hurt... .It doesn't feel as though that's helping, so all I can do is come to the conclusion that I'm doing something wrong.

Sitting with your feelings means feel whatever you're feeling all the way, instead of distracting yourself.  I have a lot of history of outrunning my feelings with extreme sports, alcohol, women, television, music, work, you name it, and sitting down and actually feeling negative feelings instead of trying to outrun them is the right way, the way to process them, the only way out is through.  Only took me decades to learn that.  And an added piece, something a therapist can help with or you can do it on your own, is to not be those feelings, they are something you are feeling but they are not you, and it's possible to feel them while standing slightly off to the side of them, experiencing them but not being them.  Notice emotions come and go but who you are is constant and timeless, so stay centered in that while you feel whatever it is.

Another piece, to help find your way out, is to develop an empowering vision for the future, something to aim for, the light at the end of the tunnel, something centering that you can focus on as you work through the emotions, which will pass because you processed them.  What is one thing you're looking forward to Mel?

[Mel1968]

Thanks as always fromheeltoheal.

I'm definitely sitting with my emotions, as I'm pretty much unable to do anything else at the moment. I've read before, and my T talked about (before she disappeared) the idea of observing your feelings from a bit of a distance. It makes sense to me, but I'm not sure how to actually do it... I imagine it just takes practice?

I haven't really thought of what I'm looking forward  to, been so focused on the r/s and bu, but I suppose more than anything I'm looking forward to being able to enjoy the things I enjoyed before- my job, my garden, time spent with my D and friends. At the moment I do all these things but am not there, becasue I don't want to be. So really that's what I want - I want to WANT to enjoy those things again.

[Sunfl0wer]

1.  When I have felt this way... .  I felt I poured so much of myself into things that I felt logically... .he HAD to see it or feel it and I wanted some return of some similar realization that he too did/does love me deeply... .and just wouldn't let go so easily. 

2. When I sit with my feelings... .  I often try to relate my feelings to another time I felt similar... .make a connection to a past hurt.  I also try to find a way to create a story in my head that is nurturing to myself.  I imagine a strong me coming in to comfort and say things to the hurting me.  I imagine a strong me saying all the right things for comfort and hen giving myself advice to be kind to me the remainder of the day in very specific ways... .such as... .Hey little SF... .you may enjoy a nice bath tonight, a walk, etc.

3.  Does your therapist work in an office with others that you can ask what happened to her?  Maybe she had a family emergency or something?  Yes, that would freak me out if I was counting on getting support and they just cancelled with no clue on a future appointment!  Sorry Mel!  We are here!

When I have been feeling badly sometimes forcing myself to focus on myself in a nurturing way has been the best thing for me.

Would it help to add self care to your daily to do list in a structured way such as... .

Every am within an hour of waking... .you will commit to going for a 30 min stroll around the lake you love.

(I'm obviously totally making this up... .just to give you a specific example... .in case you want to figure out something similar.)

What do you think?

[Sunfl0wer]

So really that's what I want - I want to WANT to enjoy those things again

I'll share my first session in case it helps since you are not able to get to T right now... .

On my first therapy session for the b/u my therapist talked about how I was likely feeling by explaining how he had felt.

I complained about feeling so overwhelmed, so depressed, feeling like things were too much to bare.

He explained that his mom recently died, he told me a sweet story that captured the person she was.  He also explained that everything at that time felt like he was in a bubble experiencing life.

I think the point was for me to gather that this is normal, not a feeling to fight at this time, that the shock and loss of what happened... .it is ok that responding this way is upsetting and feels unreal or whatever I am feeling.

I took from that... .that it is ok to just go through the motions... .keep going through them, be kind to yourself... .and know that this feeling will lift, it is temporary.  It really is!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm definitely sitting with my emotions, as I'm pretty much unable to do anything else at the moment. I've read before, and my T talked about (before she disappeared) the idea of observing your feelings from a bit of a distance. It makes sense to me, but I'm not sure how to actually do it... I imagine it just takes practice?

What I do, when I'm feeling a strong emotion, at first it shows up front and center, takes all my focus, and I need to consciously push it off to the side, the right side for me, and down, until I get the sensation of me in the center and the emotion off to the side, two different things.  That takes the intensity out of it immediately, and then I can actually see and feel it moving past and behind me, the main points being I am not my emotions and they pass, they always pass.  I guess it takes a little practice but not much.

Your therapist disappearing on you is acting with very low integrity BTW; that's the kind of behavior we expect from personality disordered people, not therapists, although many of them have issues of their own which is why they chose that profession to begin with.  Anyway, don't make that about you, it's not, and if she had some reason why she needed to end the therapeutic relationship she should have told you.  In any case there are plenty of therapists and now you know a little better what to look for.

I haven't really thought of what I'm looking forward  to, been so focused on the r/s and bu, but I suppose more than anything I'm looking forward to being able to enjoy the things I enjoyed before- my job, my garden, time spent with my D and friends. At the moment I do all these things but am not there, becasue I don't want to be. So really that's what I want - I want to WANT to enjoy those things again.

That's the point, consciously focus on the future instead of the past, make the shift slowly but surely.  We tend to value things more once we lose them and get them back, and I really enjoyed getting my old life back, with a new-found appreciation, although in a sense that's moving backwards and it's good to create a vision for a bright future and set about creating it too.  So if you had to come up with something you're looking forward to what would it be?

[Mel1968]

Thanks guys - I  appreciate both of your thoughtful comments, as always. I think that I've allowed myself to wallow a bit today and it's bringing me down. BUt maybe I should not beat myself up about that and accept it for what it is, part of the process...

SF - I agree completely with the need to not give up until there's some acknowledgement that all my "hard work" was worth it... but I suspect I may wait a long time!

The T works from her home. I'm choosing to believe she has something going on, but still think it's pretty shoddy to just disappear like that. I very much liked her as well, so it is real shame. Ah well.

I think you're right about actually timetabling self care into my day. Part of my problem today is that I've had no structure and so have mooched around feeling worse and worse. Ok, tomorrow... .I like that plan!

FHTH - I can picture what you said about moving your emotions, so I'm going to put that in my self care plan and practise. It's the only way.

As for the bright future... .I want to get really fit. Nothing to stop me now. And I want to develop my creative side more. I'm quite isolated at the moment, but both of these are things I can do on my own, with a goal of possibly integrating more with others once I get my confidence up a bit. In fact, I really want to be part of some kind of community, I'm just not sure what is out there that would be appealing to me. Something to do with social issues. Okay, so now I have a plan. Just need to do it. My choice I guess!

Thanks again guys

[once removed]

hey mel 

youve gotten some great advice so far. and you are right, mindfulness does take practice, but for me, its one of the greatest skills ive ever learned. i recommend this entire thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[Mel1968]

Hey once removed

Thanks for the link. I Have read that thread before but have just reread it and got more things out of it of course. Interestingly, what stood out for me most this time was the very beginning - I think therefore I am... .And what that actually means. Of course! I'd never thought of it before in this context. In fact, when we first knew each other, one of the reasons ex liked me was because my view of the world was so positive, seeing the best in people, the opposite to hers... And one of the reasons she despises me now is because I refuse to say horrid things about people I don't believe deserve it ( and that means I'm having sex with them all) But actually I would much much prefer to see the world with the eyes I used to see with than with hers.  I think my filter has changed of late, to become more like hers, and I'm on high alert for negative everything and I want my other filter back.  Food for thought indeed.

I'm not sure how one gets to Wise mind, but I can see how it is desirable. I think one of my problems is that it's very easy for me to read a lot of stuff and think, oh yes, that sounds good, I can see why that would work... .But I actually have to get on and start trying it... Just like I say I want to get fit so I need to get up and start getting fit, so I need to start practising mindfulness... .

Thanks everyone for your support today, it's given me a lot of good stuff to think about, and the beginnings of a positive way forward... .

Mel