Where to start?

[ptilda]

My husband is from Haiti and had an extremely difficult upbringing. He was orphaned at 9, raised by an abusive and mentally ill sister until she kicked him out at 12. Raised himself pretty much. Lost wife #1 and their infant son in the 2010 earthquake.

We married over 2 years ago after meeting through language exchange online and my visiting Haiti multiple times. Filed for a visa and he got here in January. In February it hit the fan. He's undiagnosed, but it's pretty clear it's BPD.

He moved out a couple of weeks ago. I don't know where (most of his stuff is still here). We exchange some on Facebook but no face-to-face. If he sees me he refuses to look at me or speak with me.

My situation is additionally challenging because of the visa. Him being here is based on our ongoing relationship. He regularly threatens divorce and goes on and on about how he can never love me because I try to make him my slave by ordering him to do things and then beating him if he refuses. His tales are more and more colorful as time goes by. None of them have any truth of course. He also tries to say I kicked him out.

So I don't think he's serious about the divorce or he'd have filed. I just am wondering how I should interact. Keep sending benign messages? Stay silent? Whatever I do is met by silliness but I'm getting better at not reacting.

Hoping this group can give additional help. Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Butterfly12]

This sounds so hard.

I don't know what to say... .but I will say what everyone here seems to say to me. Work on you. Do what is true to your spirit. And non reaction is good.

I'm so very sorry.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ptilda, 

Welcome aboard. 

It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation.  It is frustrating and confusing when a loved one will not speak with us.   

The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse.  It can be used as manipulation, a defense mechanism, or to punish.  I have dealt with the silent treatment from my person with BPD (pwBPD) quite a few times and it was very hurtful.  He uses the silent treatment as a coping mechanism to avoid intense and painful emotions and his feelings of shame. Many pwBPD have inherent feelings of shame, self-loathing, and poor self-esteem. When he is using the silent treatment, I let him be.  It is his way of wanting space. In the past I have tried reaching out, but the majority of the time he projected and raged on me. 

Take a look at this link it is a good primer for understanding the silent treatment.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

BPD behaviors may seem like an enigma, learning about the disorder really helps us understand why our pwBPD is acting a certain way. Many times a pwBPD's maladaptive coping mechanisms/behavior are a result of being emotionally triggered.  What precipitated before your husband moved out? 

Also, learning about the behaviors helps the non-disordered partner understand that the origin of the behaviors have nothing to do with us. The core of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling and regulating their emotions.

Keep sharing your story. It really helps and you will find that there are many people going through similar situations.

Looking forward to reading your response.

[ptilda]

Hi ptilda, 

Welcome aboard. 

It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation.  It is frustrating and confusing when a loved one will not speak with us.   

The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse.  It can be used as manipulation, a defense mechanism, or to punish.  I have dealt with the silent treatment from my person with BPD (pwBPD) quite a few times and it was very hurtful.  He uses the silent treatment as a coping mechanism to avoid intense and painful emotions and his feelings of shame. Many pwBPD have inherent feelings of shame, self-loathing, and poor self-esteem. When he is using the silent treatment, I let him be.  It is his way of wanting space. In the past I have tried reaching out, but the majority of the time he projected and raged on me. 

Take a look at this link it is a good primer for understanding the silent treatment.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

BPD behaviors may seem like an enigma, learning about the disorder really helps us understand why our pwBPD is acting a certain way. Many times a pwBPD's maladaptive coping mechanisms/behavior are a result of being emotionally triggered.  What precipitated before your husband moved out? 

Also, learning about the behaviors helps the non-disordered partner understand that the origin of the behaviors have nothing to do with us. The core of BPD is a lack of emotional regulation. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling and regulating their emotions.

Keep sharing your story. It really helps and you will find that there are many people going through similar situations.

Looking forward to reading your response.

Thanks for the encouraging words. This community is a life saver. I'm really at a loss. I do NOT believe in divorce and that is simply not an option, but I need to know how to handle the hissy fits he has. He goes through extended periods of sulking and has been sulking going on 3 months now. That means he moved out onto the (indoor) balcony and refused to speak with me for most of that time. He would wait for me to be alone (my adult niece and her daughter live with us) to start a fight. He would wake me early in the morning to try to catch me off guard to fight. I got where I would say, "I'm not going to fight, so I'm walking away until we can speak respectfully." Later it was insisting on speaking with a third party (the Haitian pastor is who I'm trying to get him to speak with because I feel a lot of things are lost in translation and culturally).

He moved out a couple of weeks ago and tells me to "stop harassing" him when I ask him a question or tell him I hope he's ok (which I do not more than once or twice a week). But If I give it too long he finds a reason to need me to do something immediately for him (today it was the password for his itunes account which I set up for him) and if I don't respond he sulks even more.

When I do respond he repeats his lies. He has been telling everyone that I brought him here to make him my slave and that I order him to do things and punch him if he won't do it (this is an athletic, strong guy and I'm pretty short and out of shape, and I've never even asked him to take out the garbage). It's so ridiculous that his friends and family are ignoring him and of course he's blaming me for that.

So I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone and assume he'll get over it? His cousin said he was like this since his mother died (age 9) and they just leave him alone until he gets over it and moves on.

[Butterfly12]

I apologize, but I would never assume he will "get over it." I have been waiting for two years for my husband to "get over it." And instead of doing this, he harbours more and more resentment and just gets angrier and angrier about what I have done to him and how I have ruined his life. (He was arrested for domestic assault. And yes, I was the one that called the police.)

[EaglesJuju]

I got where I would say, "I'm not going to fight, so I'm walking away until we can speak respectfully."

This is a good example of a boundary.    Engaging in a conversation that is escalating to an argument tends to not fare well. It took me a long time to learn that I need to stop engaging when my bf starts getting really heated. Depending on the situation, I can assuage an unpleasant conversation with communication tools. Communication tools have made such a difference in my relationship. 

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

He moved out a couple of weeks ago and tells me to "stop harassing" him when I ask him a question or tell him I hope he's ok (which I do not more than once or twice a week). But If I give it too long he finds a reason to need me to do something immediately for him (today it was the password for his itunes account which I set up for him) and if I don't respond he sulks even more.

This seems like push-pull behaviors.  Are you familiar with the push-pull?

So I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone and assume he'll get over it? His cousin said he was like this since his mother died (age 9) and they just leave him alone until he gets over it and moves on.

We cannot change another person's thoughts or behaviors, we can only change ourselves.

I would not assume that he will get over it.  He may not get over it and while doing so you may reinforce his behaviors. You can say something to him about how the behavior affects you and set boundaries. Have you ever talked him about how the behavior affects you?

[ptilda]

I got where I would say, "I'm not going to fight, so I'm walking away until we can speak respectfully."

This is a good example of a boundary.    Engaging in a conversation that is escalating to an argument tends to not fare well. It took me a long time to learn that I need to stop engaging when my bf starts getting really heated. Depending on the situation, I can assuage an unpleasant conversation with communication tools. Communication tools have made such a difference in my relationship. 

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

He moved out a couple of weeks ago and tells me to "stop harassing" him when I ask him a question or tell him I hope he's ok (which I do not more than once or twice a week). But If I give it too long he finds a reason to need me to do something immediately for him (today it was the password for his itunes account which I set up for him) and if I don't respond he sulks even more.

This seems like push-pull behaviors.  Are you familiar with the push-pull?

So I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone and assume he'll get over it? His cousin said he was like this since his mother died (age 9) and they just leave him alone until he gets over it and moves on.

We cannot change another person's thoughts or behaviors, we can only change ourselves.

I would not assume that he will get over it.  He may not get over it and while doing so you may reinforce his behaviors. You can say something to him about how the behavior affects you and set boundaries. Have you ever talked him about how the behavior affects you?

Well the problem is that I don't know HOW to talk to him about how it affects me. It's been helpful communicating only in text and facebook chat since we are able to take some time and emotions are less likely to flair. It also helps because I can show him what exactly was said when he tries to twist my words. I have been able to say things like (my last message), "I love you, X. It hurts that you continue to do this drama, but I know it's just from your hurt and fear. I will continue to pray for you and love you. You are always welcome [to come home]."

He responded: "Okay then that's why I tell you leave me alone cause it will be always the same truth." Referring to him accusing me of beating him and saying I brought him here to make him a slave, etc.

These conversations happen once or twice a week and I try to keep them in my control. Since Facebook shows when someone reads messages, I purposefully let it sit all day before reading, and then give another several hours before responding (if I respond at all). I don't try to convince him that I'm not doing those things, I just tell him that it hurts me to hear those things from him but I know that it's not about that (the accusations) but goes deeper.

I do try to remind him that these issues existed long before he and I were together. I try to remind him how he's alienated friends and family who did not agree with him, even though they did it in love and they were there for him his whole life and actually supported him when he had nothing (in Haiti). My goal is to remind him in little snapshots and keep him thinking. I feel that the more he can reflect and be reminded of what he's lost from this, the more he can see that he needs help.

I also remind him of HIS words when he's told me things like "I lost a lot of good women and good friends because of my anger and because I am a very difficult man." He doesn't deny these things as long as I only mention one or two at a time. He does try to change the subject, but he goes into a quiet mode and I know he's thinking. I always remind him that I love him no matter what and I am committed to him before God, but that does not mean I won't do what I have to do to protect myself emotionally and physically.

Our breakdown in this relationship happened when I had a friend whom I dated 10 years ago who showed up at our door the day my husband came for the first time from Haiti. He wanted to welcome him home and say congratulations, but hubby did not see it that way. This friend has Aspergers and really doesn't understand boundaries like that. Since that I've eliminated this friendship (it was unhealthy anyhow which is why I had already pulled back), but the damage is done. It's the "ultimate" betrayal in hubby's mind, and even though we recovered (seemingly) and he even went back to Haiti for a week and chose to come back when I gave him the "out" of staying in Haiti or Miami or wherever he wanted to be (he had said staying here was a "death" and that marrying me was his worst mistake ever), he swore he would go nowhere without me and he came back and we were okay for a couple of weeks.

So I am looking for ideas of how to break through enough (whether by interaction or by ignoring him) to get him to seek treatment.

How much confrontation can BPDs handle? I've been avoiding bringing up "proof" of anything because he just twists it or accuses me of being a horrible person for using these things "against" him even though he's done that to me multiple times.

Again, thanks for the help.

[Daniell85]

My boyfriend can't handle hardly any confrontation. Especially if there is warning it's coming ( Can we talk?) or if it comes right out of the blue without any warning at all.

That is to say, for him, confrontation under any conditions is not acceptable and he will immediately become angry and "counter attack".

His words. He is counter attacking.

I think I read somewhere in one of the articles here that in order to be able to get through to BPD person, you have to get them to trust you. Once they have calmed down, though I am coming to the conclusion that any confrontation anyway is not going to go anywhere good.

Reading what your husband is saying... .  have you considered that he is more than maybe BPD? He sounds schizophrenic or something. I am not a doctor, of course, but he seems not to be in reality at all.

[QBert]

My husband is from Haiti and had an extremely difficult upbringing. He was orphaned at 9, raised by an abusive and mentally ill sister until she kicked him out at 12. Raised himself pretty much. Lost wife #1 and their infant son in the 2010 earthquake.

We married over 2 years ago after meeting through language exchange online and my visiting Haiti multiple times. Filed for a visa and he got here in January. In February it hit the fan. He's undiagnosed, but it's pretty clear it's BPD.

He moved out a couple of weeks ago. I don't know where (most of his stuff is still here). We exchange some on Facebook but no face-to-face. If he sees me he refuses to look at me or speak with me.

My situation is additionally challenging because of the visa. Him being here is based on our ongoing relationship. He regularly threatens divorce and goes on and on about how he can never love me because I try to make him my slave by ordering him to do things and then beating him if he refuses. His tales are more and more colorful as time goes by. None of them have any truth of course. He also tries to say I kicked him out.

So I don't think he's serious about the divorce or he'd have filed. I just am wondering how I should interact. Keep sending benign messages? Stay silent? Whatever I do is met by silliness but I'm getting better at not reacting.

Hoping this group can give additional help. Thanks!

From my experience alone, I can tell you how I'd not react.  Don't react emotionally.  You uBPD partner probably has a hard time regulating their emotions.  You must be a master of yours.  Knowing you are emotionally in control will provide him with an anchor.

I feel for you

[QBert]

Thanks for the encouraging words. This community is a life saver. I'm really at a loss. I do NOT believe in divorce and that is simply not an option, but I need to know how to handle the hissy fits he has. He goes through extended periods of sulking and has been sulking going on 3 months now. That means he moved out onto the (indoor) balcony and refused to speak with me for most of that time. He would wait for me to be alone (my adult niece and her daughter live with us) to start a fight. He would wake me early in the morning to try to catch me off guard to fight. I got where I would say, "I'm not going to fight, so I'm walking away until we can speak respectfully." Later it was insisting on speaking with a third party (the Haitian pastor is who I'm trying to get him to speak with because I feel a lot of things are lost in translation and culturally).

He moved out a couple of weeks ago and tells me to "stop harassing" him when I ask him a question or tell him I hope he's ok (which I do not more than once or twice a week). But If I give it too long he finds a reason to need me to do something immediately for him (today it was the password for his itunes account which I set up for him) and if I don't respond he sulks even more.

When I do respond he repeats his lies. He has been telling everyone that I brought him here to make him my slave and that I order him to do things and punch him if he won't do it (this is an athletic, strong guy and I'm pretty short and out of shape, and I've never even asked him to take out the garbage). It's so ridiculous that his friends and family are ignoring him and of course he's blaming me for that.

So I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone and assume he'll get over it? His cousin said he was like this since his mother died (age 9) and they just leave him alone until he gets over it and moves on.

That sounds like a good response.  I'd consider remembering SETUP:


State:

Support

Empathy

Truth

With the goal of promoting mutual:

Understanding

P/b]erseverance

(Support) I'm here for you and I'm in it with you for the long haul -- I want to help you.  (Empathy) I can see that you're upset and I can understand why X could have you feeling that way.  (Truth) However, I'm not going to fight, so I'm walking away until we can speak respectfully.


About his accusations. does he do any of the things he is accusing you of doing?  Does he try to make you his slave, punch, o otherwise get physical with you?

[ptilda]

He does all that stuff to me. He's told me, "this is the way our relationship will be, I'll tell you to do something and you'll do it." He pushes, slaps, and is verbally and mentally abusive if I don't do what he wants.

[ptilda]

I guess at this point it's about moving forward. He had the police escort him this morning to move out his things (he gave me no warning, I just woke up to a cop standing in my kitchen). No problem. No drama. He left his key. Cop said someone called on his behalf, calling him their "client" so I assume it was a lawyer (cop thought it was a therapist but didn't know, and I highly doubt he'd have a therapist willingly, but one can hope and pray).

So moving forward. I'll not make contact with him at all and just wait. He unfriended me on Facebook long ago and blocked and unblocked me a couple of times. I'm currently unblocked. He writes statuses for me in English (his other statuses are Kreyol or French). So I'm just posting regular photos of hanging out and enjoying life.

I'm also speaking with a couple of trusted family members/friends of his to let them know I believe it's BPD so they will learn how to speak with him. They have been trying to convince him, and that works not at all. I feel that the more people who can understand and respond with validation and truth, the faster he can find help.

Most of all, I'm praying and have a good network of people around to pray for/with me, and I'm trusting God that ultimately hubby is in His hands.