Silent Treatment -> selective distance -> and now he doesn't know... AFFF

[SybilVane]

After 2 weeks of silent treatment, finally my BPDbf replied my mails. He explained that I don't trust him, and as he needs to be loved, he also needs to be trusted.

He lives 11 hours by plane from my country. I have the tickets to visit him on 31 July.

In summary: we sent some mails to each other, he sent me videos, pics and so, but he ignored all comments I made about my trip.

So yesterday I sent you a mail telling him I have some pragmatic issues to fix, like papers, exchanging money, bank issues etc. And since he hadn't replied any comment about the trip,  asked if he still want me to go visit him.

And his answer, the only thing he told me was: "Ok, I'll tell you tonight"

I felt so angry, so angry! What the heck? He doesn't know? He was without time to give me a detailed answer only to say 'no'? To punish/torture me? To try to seduce/f**ck other girl tonight?

I'm so, so angry. I thought I could be sadder, but right now I feel it like a stupid situation, irritating, another ridiculous game.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Well it is a game. He is leveraging your feelings for control. And you really don't want him feeling like he has control over you.

I made this mistake of fear letting me give over my personal power to my boyfriend. He has taken me many rides through hades as a result. It's been really destructive.

What are you going to do if he goes back to ST. What are you going to do if he refuses to answer?

From my time reading here, at this point for your own sake, there are probably boundries that maybe you could start considering. For you, not him. As in you don't tell him, you just do them to protect your own self while he figures out you are not going to play this mean little game he is playing.

[patientandclear]

After 2 weeks of silent treatment, finally my BPDbf replied my mails. He explained that I don't trust him, and as he needs to be loved, he also needs to be trusted.

He lives 11 hours by plane from my country. I have the tickets to visit him on 31 July.

In summary: we sent some mails to each other, he sent me videos, pics and so, but he ignored all comments I made about my trip.

So yesterday I sent you a mail telling him I have some pragmatic issues to fix, like papers, exchanging money, bank issues etc. And since he hadn't replied any comment about the trip,  asked if he still want me to go visit him.

And his answer, the only thing he told me was: "Ok, I'll tell you tonight"

I felt so angry, so angry! What the heck? He doesn't know? He was without time to give me a detailed answer only to say 'no'? To punish/torture me? To try to seduce/f**ck other girl tonight?

I'm so, so angry. I thought I could be sadder, but right now I feel it like a stupid situation, irritating, another ridiculous game.

I'd guess he actually needs some time to think about it.  I often need time -- hours, days -- to figure out what's the right thing to do in my BPD (non-)relationship.

I'd also take seriously what he said about his issue being that he feels you don't trust him.  That's a legitimate and real issue that makes sense.  I also get that you probably have real reasons to have reservations about trusting him.  These are real issues and neither of you needs to be mad at the other for having them.

[SybilVane]

After 2 weeks of silent treatment, finally my BPDbf replied my mails. He explained that I don't trust him, and as he needs to be loved, he also needs to be trusted.

He lives 11 hours by plane from my country. I have the tickets to visit him on 31 July.

In summary: we sent some mails to each other, he sent me videos, pics and so, but he ignored all comments I made about my trip.

So yesterday I sent you a mail telling him I have some pragmatic issues to fix, like papers, exchanging money, bank issues etc. And since he hadn't replied any comment about the trip,  asked if he still want me to go visit him.

And his answer, the only thing he told me was: "Ok, I'll tell you tonight"

I felt so angry, so angry! What the heck? He doesn't know? He was without time to give me a detailed answer only to say 'no'? To punish/torture me? To try to seduce/f**ck other girl tonight?

I'm so, so angry. I thought I could be sadder, but right now I feel it like a stupid situation, irritating, another ridiculous game.

I'd guess he actually needs some time to think about it.  I often need time -- hours, days -- to figure out what's the right thing to do in my BPD (non-)relationship.

I'd also take seriously what he said about his issue being that he feels you don't trust him.  That's a legitimate and real issue that makes sense.  I also get that you probably have real reasons to have reservations about trusting him.  These are real issues and neither of you needs to be mad at the other for having them.

I guess you got the point. When he says I don't trust him, he thinks more regarding jealousy; but it's far from the real core of the point. It's very difficult to trust in someone who menaces to leave you, insults you, use ST and so. Considering I live in Brazil and he lives in France, it's more difficult to take a decision of moving, for instance (I really had considered moving to France). I don't trust him because I have the impression he can punish or leave me for  any bul**hit. Somehow, he feels I hesitate regarding "something"... but he can't figure out

what it is.

Anyway, after he sent a mail telling he was a bit depressed because nothing in his life works well, despite his efforts. For instance, he can't find a job; and for me it's so clear it happens because he thinks he's much more qualified than he is; so, he looks for the wrong jobs, sends a lot of CV in vain, no reply. He also complained about A LOT of money he lost at financial market - he feels betrayed by his boss, but in fact he was clearly naive since the beginning... .his money is almost in the end, without job and so. And he has luxurious habits... .in the end, he said we wanted to cry in my arms and I could convince him of looking for the best friend of his father, a influential person, to see whether he could do something for him. MY BPDbf is very proud, NEVER ask for help, and is always trying to give people the impression he is in a very good situation. I promised to help him to find something when I arrive in Paris, even temporary or something like that.

At this point, I felt so ad for his situation... .I have a good and stable financial situation here. But he, if he does not find something, he will have no home in january.

I also found some job offers and sent him... .

Despite this, he still keeping me blocked on facebook, viber, whatsapp etc. For me this is very bizarre, but I'm trying to think he just need time to think, fix his problems, and maybe the less contact we have until I go, less possibilities of fighting. Or maybe I'm 'so much' on this moment he finally realized his financial situation, and he prefers to keep his shoulders ligther... .

[Kwamina]

Hi SybilVane

Anyway, after he sent a mail telling he was a bit depressed because nothing in his life works well, despite his efforts. For instance, he can't find a job; and for me it's so clear it happens because he thinks he's much more qualified than he is; so, he looks for the wrong jobs, sends a lot of CV in vain, no reply.

Have you ever discussed it with him that he might have more success if he applied for different types of job? Given his proud nature you mention, he probably wouldn't be pleased about this idea but I was wondering if this is something you had discussed with him.

MY BPDbf is very proud, NEVER ask for help, and is always trying to give people the impression he is in a very good situation. I promised to help him to find something when I arrive in Paris, even temporary or something like that.

At this point, I felt so ad for his situation... .I have a good and stable financial situation here. But he, if he does not find something, he will have no home in january.

I also found some job offers and sent him... .

The job offers you sent him, were they at his real level or at the level he believes he's at?

I think it is admirable that you would try to help him. The decisions he makes clearly impact his financial situation, I do want to say though that he is an adult and responsible for his own life and finances. Do you perhaps on some level feel like it's your responsibility to help him get his financial situation in order?

Despite this, he still keeping me blocked on facebook, viber, whatsapp etc. For me this is very bizarre, but I'm trying to think he just need time to think, fix his problems, and maybe the less contact we have until I go, less possibilities of fighting. Or maybe I'm 'so much' on this moment he finally realized his financial situation, and he prefers to keep his shoulders ligther... .

Have you heard anything from him since you posted this?

I can see why this whole situation would frustrate you and encourage you to keep posting about it here