Neverending Nacissism...

[Ceruleanblue]

Another weekend that was all HIM, HIM, HIM. It gets so old. Yesterday, we spend all day over at his families, and his daughter showed up. The one who'd told him to "stay out of her life", and that she wanted nothing to do with him. It went okay, so for now, maybe she's on the upswing? Who knows, his kids cycle so much, that I know better than to get my hopes up. Now today, he wants to go for a motorcycle ride, because just last week I made a HUGE concession, and I rode on the back on his motorcycle. He knew that was a huge thing for me, because 1) he's a knew driver, and 2) he has road rage in a car(so it's hard for me to trust him on a motorcycle).

I'm seeing that now because I did this once, he now expects me to do it all the time, even though I specified that I didn't want to be on the back on his bike all the time. The more I do, the more he expects.

He asked me what I wanted to do today, and last night I expressed that I would like to go and visit my parents and son. He acted and said something rather negative, so I knew he didn't want to do that. I can spend my whole day with HIS family, and that includes last minute cooking and a run to the store because he didn't tell me we'd been invited to dinner! But when I want to visit my family, or son he insisted I move away from, he lets me know he doesn't want to. He said it's "boring over there".

I'm just baffled as to how to deal with this constant ME, ME, ME, attitude he has. I'm a person too, and I can't spend my whole life and time trying to keep him happy. I am coming to resent it. Big time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ceruleanblue]

I also feel that he is still trying to isolate me from my family. I know I can just get in the car and make the trip myself, but that feels awful after spending all day yesterday making nice with one of his hateful daughters. I've put up with so much, for HIS sake, yet he can't spend time with my family, who has never treated him badly. Even after they say firsthand how crappy he treated me. My Mom lost respect for him, but you'd never know by how warm and welcoming she is to him. She prays for him, and just wants us to be happy.

I'm just sick over this.

[Daniell85]

What strikes me about this ( and I intend no offense   ) is that you are kind of in a struggle and feeling a lot of "this is just so unbelievable!" when he acts the way he does.

It's really hard to accept that someone so important to you really isn't concerned about what you need to be happy. It's like there is an empty space being taken up by a person who is making themselves an obstacle more than they are in being happy with you. He is an obstacle. Kind of an unthinking unconcerned for you obstacle.

Since he is not coming on board with you, what are the alternatives?

Right now you seem kind of stuck and sort of standing there. You are clearly hurt and frustrated.

You can wait for him to do something he doesn't seem motivated to do... or you can be there for yourself and do the things on your own that he doesn't want to do. Go see your parents. Visit your son. Decline to visit  his unpleasant family when you feel you don't want to.

What happens if you step back from his convoluted family situation that bangs up your self esteem and ruins your day, and just GO do what you want to do?

What happens?

[Neveralone]

Perhaps jotting and planning ahead times with your family would be helpful to remind him of what one or both of you has committed to (besides spontaneity). It also reminds you of what your priorities are to take care of yourself and can be an easy tracker of what family is getting seen when. I agree that if his family is treating you badly you should take a break. This is for your mental amd emotional health. There is nothing that says you have to keep putting yourself in that situation. He may not understand but the way I see it is if you are perhaps treated badly by him at home why go through more willingly?

In my situation i have to give clear directions and plan in advance because my husband has a hard time with change.

[Cat21]

I also wonder what would happen if you just did your own thing, with or without him. Of course, it is very hurtful and totally unsupportive of him to not spend time with your parents and son when you are put through the ringer with his kids. Are there times when he expects you to visit with his family, and you've just said no? My H's sister is NPD and a real challenge for me- I made a decision several years ago that I won't visit her on a regular basis for Thanksgiving (she expects us to come to her every year). My husband goes up every year (usually the day after the holiday), and I stay home. As for visiting my family, sometimes my H can come with me and sometimes he can't- I look at it as a chance to do what I want and take time for myself.

Do you think it would influence him if you made it seem like you don't care if he comes with you or not?

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh holds every occasion I've chosen to not attend one of his family functions, against me. I actually get along fine with his Dad and siblings, and his son, it is just his three mean daughters who have been a constant trial. I'm glad his daughter finally came around while we were there, and I'm hoping they'll stop all this nonsense.

I could totally go see my family without him, but I bet he'd get upset at that. What he really wants is for me to go while he's at work, or when HE plays golf. I'm just supposed to arrange my times with my family around HIM.

There were times in the past when I wanted to skip being around his kids, but he'd pitch such a huge fit about it, and he can hold a huge grudge. I didn't want to have it thrown in my face forever, so I went, and always regretted it. It was a no win situation: go and be treated badly by his grown girls, or stay home, and have BPDh angry, resentful and forever blaming me.

He's mostly over that, and is working on boundaries with his daughters(although he won't call it that), but he still is reluctant to spend time with my family. I guess I just have to do it, and see what he does. I have a right to spend time with my family, and I can't let him isolate me.

Not sure if letting him think I don't care will make any difference. My guess is he'll see it as my not wanting to be around him. He's been known to say things like that.

[Cat21]

I guess I just have to do it, and see what he does. I have a right to spend time with my family, and I can't let him isolate me.

Yes, I think you're right about this. I know exactly how hard it can be with feeling like it's a double edged sword. Just last night, my H and I had another argument over his sister visiting right after I give birth, despite the fact that we BOTH agreed she'd wait a month or two. He pushed and pushed and at 38 weeks pregnant, I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I finally said, "Ok. Whatever. My feelings about this are known- you can choose to respect them or not, but I won't be discussing this anymore. If having your sister visit at a time that is NOT convenient is more important than our previous agreement (oh yeah, AND my recovery and your new child!), then so be it." I don't know what will happen- probably why I'm up at 5 AM writing this now! 

So, I get it- it's not easy at all. I try to view it as self-preservation and maintaining myself. After all, as we all know, we can change how we deal with situations, but we can't change the BPD (or their awful families  ).

[Butterfly12]

Once before our two youngest were born we were visiting my husbands family in the city they live in (it's an airplane ride away... .) and after a week of crazy family gatherings and constant running, I was exhausted. I needed to just SLEEP before getting on the red eye that would take us home. I told him I really needed a break from it, just for a couple hours. His family had plans to go bowling. I asked if I could please just stay at the house and read while they enjoyed each other's company.

He got so angry at me and wouldn't speak to me until the plan landed in our home state. 24 hours later. He was so offended I would need my own time to take care of myself.

And on the other hand, my family lives in the same state, and we obviously gather for Christmas, birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, beach trips, and JUST BECAUSE. And he never comes to any of these gatherings. Hasn't for years. And I have to pretend like this doesn't shatter me every single time. I understand the importance of spending time with family, but the fact being that all these years later I still feel like he is trying to "get me back" for that ONE day.

So you see, it's not just you. Reading through this thread makes me feel so much better about all the holidays I've cried the whole time feeling so alone.

[formflier]

"Ok. Whatever. My feelings about this are known- you can choose to respect them or not, but I won't be discussing this anymore. If having your sister visit at a time that is NOT convenient is more important than our previous agreement (oh yeah, AND my recovery and your new child!), then so be it." I don't know what will happen- probably why I'm up at 5 AM writing this now! 

Cat21,

Remember... .less is more when trying to communicate on important issues.

He shouldn't push... .but he did.  That got you to "thinking" about how to get him to quit pushing... .plus some frustration about him pushing in the first place.  (Am I close?)

What are some simple things you could have said... .once... .maybe twice... .before ending this conversation?

FF

[Cat21]

"Ok. Whatever. My feelings about this are known- you can choose to respect them or not, but I won't be discussing this anymore. If having your sister visit at a time that is NOT convenient is more important than our previous agreement (oh yeah, AND my recovery and your new child!), then so be it." I don't know what will happen- probably why I'm up at 5 AM writing this now! 

Cat21,

Remember... .less is more when trying to communicate on important issues.

He shouldn't push... .but he did.  That got you to "thinking" about how to get him to quit pushing... .plus some frustration about him pushing in the first place.  (Am I close?)

What are some simple things you could have said... .once... .maybe twice... .before ending this conversation?

FF

Well, first let me say that my hormones are all over the map right now, so thinking about a "good response" is nearly impossible. 

That being said, in retrospect, I think he was looking for validation. I did validate his feelings on this multiple times when it was first an issue, but I do know that sometimes, he needs more of that. He hasn't been "needy" in this way for quite some time, so I suppose I felt thrown. I shouldn't have JADED, and I hate that I did, but these issues with his sister have become more regular and out of control, and again- being so pregnant, I just didn't have the patience to respond any other way.

Things I did say, but of course were not acknowledged by him, were "I understand why this is important to you. Of course you want your whole family to be together. I can see why you are upset." I must have said those things 3-4 times, but he didn't "hear" them. What he wanted me to say (he told me this) was, "I understand why this is important to you, so go ahead and invite your sister to come whenever she wants. I know she only wants to help." I didn't say that because it's not at all how I feel and not at all true. This led to him asking me to admit that I don't like his sister.

[formflier]

 

I can totally understand that hormones are all over the map.

Another reason for less is more... .and avoiding "admitting" things...

Hang in there... .not much longer to go

FF

[123Phoebe]

Things I did say, but of course were not acknowledged by him, were "I understand why this is important to you. Of course you want your whole family to be together. I can see why you are upset." I must have said those things 3-4 times, but he didn't "hear" them. What he wanted me to say (he told me this) was, "I understand why this is important to you, so go ahead and invite your sister to come whenever she wants. I know she only wants to help." I didn't say that because it's not at all how I feel and not at all true. This led to him asking me to admit that I don't like his sister.

Hi Cat

I think I'd be inclined to say or at the very least think and express with a facial expression, "Well, since you put it that way... .Hmm.  I certainly don't like some of the things that she does."

Congrats on having a baby!

[123Phoebe]

I'm just baffled as to how to deal with this constant ME, ME, ME, attitude he has. I'm a person too, and I can't spend my whole life and time trying to keep him happy. I am coming to resent it. Big time.

Don't make your happiness reliant on his whims and happiness.  You won't be the only one to big time resent it.