Biggest Regret - II?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's not a regret as much as a behaviour I am now ashamed of. That is my total lack of boundaries and tolerance of dominating behaviour from her and her family. My ex tried to dictate terms to me right until the end and after it and Im annoyed I have her any credance or even allowed her to speak ot gave her my ear. Im ashamed I was so weak willed, she had me eating out of her hand and I hate that I put myself there just because I was so desperate for love.

I was easy to manipulate and easily preyed upon always taking the easy road. That's a serious character flaw. Ive become fierce with boundaries since and I really give no one anything, im now working to find a better balance

I feel this reflects worse on her though. It's really not sport to torment someone who loves you. It's easy prey and right now I really think of her as an emotional predator. Anyone who doesn't let up and continues to kick you when you're down is seriously lacking

[Trog]

It's not a regret as much as a behaviour I am now ashamed of. That is my total lack of boundaries and tolerance of dominating behaviour from her and her family. My ex tried to dictate terms to me right until the end and after it and Im annoyed I have her any credance or even allowed her to speak ot gave her my ear. Im ashamed I was so weak willed, she had me eating out of her hand and I hate that I put myself there just because I was so desperate for love.

I was easy to manipulate and easily preyed upon always taking the easy road. That's a serious character flaw. Ive become fierce with boundaries since and I really give no one anything, im now working to find a better balance

I feel this reflects worse on her though. It's really not sport to torment someone who loves you. It's easy prey and right now I really think of her as an emotional predator. Anyone who doesn't let up and continues to kick you when you're down is seriously lacking

[NonBPDEx]

I regret not fully knowing about the concept of BPD.  

 I was committed to her, the person who I thought was my life partner, and I wanted to stick by her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I couldn't simply walk away because of some initial poor or confusing behavior.

 

(With that being said, once BPD is identified as the problem, I firmly believe that one should extricate oneself ASAP.  I hadn't yet identified BPD has the cause of the initial road bumps.)

This is an interesting observation. I am struggling with the fact that I left my BPDgf. I had never heard of BPD before, and it was not until I left that I was told she had this, and then I did all the research on it and found this forum.

However, like you I feel that if I get into a ltr that I should put my all into it, which I do not feel that I did in this case because of all the  .

People are telling me I dodged a bullet, and I was good to get out, but I am conflicted.

So what you are saying that if you knew all about BPD after you were committed, read all the literature on how to make it work, you would have left?

[Tim300]

I regret not fully knowing about the concept of BPD.  

 I was committed to her, the person who I thought was my life partner, and I wanted to stick by her in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I couldn't simply walk away because of some initial poor or confusing behavior.

 

(With that being said, once BPD is identified as the problem, I firmly believe that one should extricate oneself ASAP.  I hadn't yet identified BPD has the cause of the initial road bumps.)

This is an interesting observation. I am struggling with the fact that I left my BPDgf. I had never heard of BPD before, and it was not until I left that I was told she had this, and then I did all the research on it and found this forum.

However, like you I feel that if I get into a ltr that I should put my all into it, which I do not feel that I did in this case because of all the  .

People are telling me I dodged a bullet, and I was good to get out, but I am conflicted.

So what you are saying that if you knew all about BPD after you were committed, read all the literature on how to make it work, you would have left?

NonBPDEx, this is a great question.  My answer is an unequivocal Yes.  And this is coming from someone who typically doesn't answer with a straight Yes or No to things because I see a lot of uncertainty in most things.  You leaving was the best thing you could have done for her and you.  The crazy-making, emotional trauma, wild swings, and downright terrifying behavior just gets worse and worse.  As an extreme case, Travis Alexander would have done Jodi Arias a favor by going NC (I am not trying to be cute here, my point is that sticking around leads to insane, destructive behavior that does not help the pwBPD).  My ex-fiancee told me that her year of engagement to me was the most traumatic year of her life, that it was a lifetime worth of trauma for her.  In the first 6 months with her, I didn't see any frightening BPD behavior (moreover, I had actually known her for more than 10 years although we lived in different parts of the country for most of this).  In the last 6 months of the relationship . . . holy smokes I don't know where to begin, but it included a physical attack on me and a threat to "bludgeon" me "to death in the middle of the night" with an object that sat next to our bed.  I could go on and on and on, but I've spilled a lot of ink elsewhere on these boards.  Please rest assured that you have not done something wrong by bailing on a commitment when you discovered she had BPD.  This is coming from someone who stuck with my pwBPD during our engagement even after I had found out that she might be infertile, even though it was my dream to have children.  BPD is not something to mess with -- it is an ultimate dealbreaker, and perhaps the only dealbreaker for me once I've committed.   

[Heartbroken Eagle]

It's not a regret as much as a behaviour I am now ashamed of. That is my total lack of boundaries and tolerance of dominating behaviour from her and her family. My ex tried to dictate terms to me right until the end and after it and Im annoyed I have her any credance or even allowed her to speak ot gave her my ear. Im ashamed I was so weak willed, she had me eating out of her hand and I hate that I put myself there just because I was so desperate for love.

I was easy to manipulate and easily preyed upon always taking the easy road. That's a serious character flaw. Ive become fierce with boundaries since and I really give no one anything, im now working to find a better balance

I feel this reflects worse on her though. It's really not sport to torment someone who loves you. It's easy prey and right now I really think of her as an emotional predator. Anyone who doesn't let up and continues to kick you when you're down is seriously lacking

Hi Trog.

I can relate to exactly what you are saying.

Towards the end of my relationship with my ex, I allowed her to dominate me mainly out of fear. If I was being honest with myself, I was unhappy but I accepted it. I guess she saw this a chance to take full advantage of me and to ultimately have the affair which broke us up.

l look back now and ashamedly view myself as being weak and pathetic. I was prepared to live with someone who obviously did'nt love or respected me, and admitted that she enjoyed humiliating me at the end. I know I have stated in the past that I put up with this cr@p because of my son and I did not want to break up the home. I realise now that we did not really have a true relationship at the end and the split was inevitable.

Although I now have the knowledge of BPD and she shows all traits of this disorder, it still leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. This experience has scarred me and I'm still battling with self esteem issues.

[JQ]

They way I feel today, I regret that I broke it off. At least that is what my heart is telling me. It seems to have the power over my head at the present time.

I regret that I did not dig into what she was trying to tell me. She told me on numerous occasions that I was not really hearing her.

I think she was trying to tell me about her disorder so that I would be better able to deal with her. I had never heard of BPD before, but she told me she had:

- separation anxiety

- depression

- that she was 'broken'

- that her mother abandoned her emotionally as a child, and use to 'punish her' by withdrawing

- that I should not react when she gets dark

- that she needed me to look after her

- that there we many things she was protecting me from

- that menopause might be making things more difficult for her

She was on meds, and was seeing a therapist. I am certain she new she is BPD, but did not want to tell me the exact prognosis because of the stigma around it (would you tell someone that you have disorder that often leads to you leaving people, especially when you have abandonment issues?).

However, if she had told me, I probably would have not just left, but have learned about the disorder and tried to work with it. Hence one of my other posts wondering if they always leave.

So I regret not listening closer to what she was trying to tell me.

NonBPDEx, and group ... .They are NOT regrets but Life Learning Lessons,

My ExBPD gf told me the same things as well during different times after I asked if she was bipolar and she said no that the doc had said she had BPD ... .I really didn't research what that was until I moved several states away trying to figure things out. I can feel what you are because of similar situations. I debate whether to move back or not everyday ... .but YOU did not create this behavioral issue, YOU can't reason with her and most importantly YOU CANNOT FIX HER!  If you research, some of the best therapy is going to be DBT every week for possibly the rest of their life and possible meds. No matter how well you understand the situation ... .things will not change unless she is READY and WILLING to go to therapy on a weekly basis to get her the help and assistance she needs. This is NOT a mental condition but a behavioral condition they learned to survive as a child. As you've read it's like dealing with a 3 year old in an adult body. It is frustrating, confusing, can make you mad, upset, and emotionally, physically, and financially drained and spent.

I debate everyday to stay, not to stay ... .but one thing that is common is the frequency of random sexual acts ... .or impulsive sexual acts with other people. This alone has caused me to rethink my choices. I carried my friends casket because she died of AIDS from a boyfriend who had random sexual acts with others. She did not have to die because of his behavioral condition ... .and for that reason alone, getting back with my exPBD for any reason isn't worth it. No matter how good the "porn sex" is it's not worth dying for ... .or if you're lucky ... .a simple STD or UTI that a some pills or a shot can cure ... .however don't forget about that sexual gift that keeps on giving and that is herpes, gentital warts, or other things. I don't judge ... .it's up to you ... .but for me ... .it's not worth it. BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you. BPD is similar, they certainly didn't cause it or deserve it, but without life long treatment BPD will take them away from you ... .you want to help ... .but in the end ... .they will behave they always have and cause hurt, pain, and destruction in their path.

Do I have regrets ... .no ... .I have life learning lessons ... .it's ok to be human ... .to feel for them ... .but ... .unless they're ready to heal themselves and stay with it ... .it's ok to take care of yourself.

JQ

[blissful_camper]

I don't have regrets because I learned so much about myself.  Sometimes I wish I'd learned more about myself and my own issues earlier in life, and wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had. Better now than not ever. I feel my r/s happened for a reason and that I attracted the experience to learn and grow. For me, I find comfort in having faith in myself and my ability to create meaning in my life. The most important gift I've given myself is compassion for myself.  That compassion was frequently directed outward and not inward.  To those struggling, hang in there. 

[Mel1968]

I don't have regrets because I learned so much about myself.  Sometimes I wish I'd learned more about myself and my own issues earlier in life, and wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had. Better now than not ever. I feel my r/s happened for a reason and that I attracted the experience to learn and grow. For me, I find comfort in having faith in myself and my ability to create meaning in my life. The most important gift I've given myself is compassion for myself.  That compassion was frequently directed outward and not inward.  To those struggling, hang in there. 

Thanks for that. In theory I think this but in my heart I don't yet believe it. I am struggling greatly, but trying to hang in there...

My biggest regret is that I treated the person I left for my pwBPD very badly, not just in the leaving, but afterwards. Again and again, because every time I even considered doing the right thing by her, (by which I mean having a conversation with her to give her  the closure she asked for) , pwBPD was so threatened that all hell broke loose and I gave up the thought. I caused this person far more pain than she ever deserved.

I am blessed because this person, for no reason other than she is a decent good human, a year on, is still willing to be on my side and is trying to understand why I behaved as I did and I have hopes of being able eventually to make things okay between us, and for her to have peace of mind.

Of course, my expwBPD has reacted to my decision to contact the decent one and make amends in a way which actually scared me for the first time, but she is now so convinced that me and the decent one have been having an affair all along, and in fact this confirms everything she's always known about me sleeping with most of the men in the country (We're all lesbians, go figure... !) that she believes she is truly done with me and my terrible morals... .and therefore may finally leave me alone.

Sorry, Ive gone a bit off track there, guess I needed to get it out.

I regret treating others badly in the belief it would keep ex happy.

But I also regret that I wasn't able to be how ex needed me to be. Again, my head knows that this was always going to be an impossibility but my heart's not there yet. I believe she's doing her best in life, and I just wish that I could have been the one who didn't leave her truly believing she was the victim once again. I did try.

[NonBPDEx]

NonBPDEx, and group ... .They are NOT regrets but Life Learning Lessons,

Thanks JQ... .

[Invictus01]

I don't know what I can regret except that probably not sticking to my own rules of no long distance relationships and not dating women in their mid 20s. However, we had such a completely insane time when we met, I don't know, it just felt like it was fate, something I have never had before. Note to self, also stick to not believing in fate going forward. 

[Tim300]

I don't know what I can regret except that probably not sticking to my own rules of no long distance relationships and not dating women in their mid 20s.

This is perhaps an entirely different topic, but why not date women in their mid 20s?  Seems like this is a good age for me to target, but I'd be interested to hear an alternative perspective. 

[Invictus01]

I don't know what I can regret except that probably not sticking to my own rules of no long distance relationships and not dating women in their mid 20s.

This is perhaps an entirely different topic, but why not date women in their mid 20s?  Seems like this is a good age for me to target, but I'd be interested to hear an alternative perspective. 

From what I have seen and experienced, until women hit late 20s or so, the amount of craziness they tend to throw at you is just insane. Stupid mind games, immature tests, etc. It's like they open the damn Cosmo magazine and try to test drive on you every damn stupidity they read in there. I have seen plenty of that and really have no desire to put up with all that crap. Rarely you can find a girl in her mid 20s who is mature past all that. I thought I found one.

[Tim300]

I don't know what I can regret except that probably not sticking to my own rules of no long distance relationships and not dating women in their mid 20s.

This is perhaps an entirely different topic, but why not date women in their mid 20s?  Seems like this is a good age for me to target, but I'd be interested to hear an alternative perspective. 

From what I have seen and experienced, until women hit late 20s or so, the amount of craziness they tend to throw at you is just insane. Stupid mind games, immature tests, etc. It's like they open the damn Cosmo magazine and try to test drive on you every damn stupidity they read in there. I have seen plenty of that and really have no desire to put up with all that crap. Rarely you can find a girl in her mid 20s who is mature past all that. I thought I found one.

Thanks for sharing this.  I will make sure to be alert about this, and to keep moving as needed. 

[Madison66]

My biggest regrets from my 3+ yr r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf are:



1. I allowed myself to enter and continue with the r/s even though I had a gut feeling things didn't seem healthy

2. I ignored many   along the way

3. I didn't listen to the T we went to for couples counseling (and ex gf abandoned that process) when she advised me that she suspected strong traits for BPD and NPD, and strongly suggested that I leave the r/s.

4. I allowed myself to endure continued emotional and verbal abuse

5. I didn't live my true self and my values - self love and acceptance took a huge back seat in the r/s

6. I allowed my young teen D to be affected by the r/s and the chaos of my ex gf's life - this one is huge!

7. I allowed myself to be dragged down by the r/s and that took away from what I could be for my friends and loved ones

8. I sold myself short by participating in a r/s that could not and would not ever be reciprocating and healthy

Huge life lessons learned:

1. I cannot be the best for friends and loved ones if I don't first take care of myself

2. To live authentically by living my true self and honoring my values

3. Trust my gut - if something doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't.  My gut feelings and intuition are backed up by years and years of experiences and references.

4. To think about how my r/s affect loved ones in my life, especially my D

5. Walking away from r/s that aren't in line with my values is totally ok

6. I AM WAY BETTER AT FIXING MY 100 YEAR OLD HOUSE THAN I AM AT FIXING PEOPLE AND R/S!

[joeramabeme]

BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you.

JQ, your profile says this is your 2nd post ever?  For real?  Your post reads more like a moderator.  Nice!

Love your analogy and want to add one thing to it.  Unlike cancer, the BPD is symptomatic that there is something wrong with the NON as well.  And also unlike cancer, the NON can (and probably will) get sicker by hanging around and trying to fix, cure, remedy or assist the BPD.  This is a guarantee unless you have been inoculated through an incredible amount of self introspection and professional assistance.  Which if you had received this, you would likely choose to not keep the BP in your life. 

So, NO REGRETS!  Feels like a loss and it is.  Feels painful and it is.  But you are not BP and there is a reasonable chance you can heal.

[Tim300]

BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you.

This is brilliant.  I've read so much about BPD, but I haven't seen this comparison.  It's spot on.  The one thing I would add is that it's actually more dangerous for the Non than your loved one having cancer, because as the pwBPD is "dying" he/she is likely trying to pull you under to destroy you.  Sounds sick but this was my experience and it's consistent with many stories I've read here.   

[blissful_camper]

I don't have regrets because I learned so much about myself.  Sometimes I wish I'd learned more about myself and my own issues earlier in life, and wonder what direction my life would have taken if I had. Better now than not ever. I feel my r/s happened for a reason and that I attracted the experience to learn and grow. For me, I find comfort in having faith in myself and my ability to create meaning in my life. The most important gift I've given myself is compassion for myself.  That compassion was frequently directed outward and not inward.  To those struggling, hang in there. 

Thanks for that. In theory I think this but in my heart I don't yet believe it. I am struggling greatly, but trying to hang in there...

My biggest regret is that I treated the person I left for my pwBPD very badly, not just in the leaving, but afterwards. Again and again, because every time I even considered doing the right thing by her, (by which I mean having a conversation with her to give her  the closure she asked for) , pwBPD was so threatened that all hell broke loose and I gave up the thought. I caused this person far more pain than she ever deserved.

I am blessed because this person, for no reason other than she is a decent good human, a year on, is still willing to be on my side and is trying to understand why I behaved as I did and I have hopes of being able eventually to make things okay between us, and for her to have peace of mind.

Of course, my expwBPD has reacted to my decision to contact the decent one and make amends in a way which actually scared me for the first time, but she is now so convinced that me and the decent one have been having an affair all along, and in fact this confirms everything she's always known about me sleeping with most of the men in the country (We're all lesbians, go figure... !) that she believes she is truly done with me and my terrible morals... .and therefore may finally leave me alone.

Sorry, Ive gone a bit off track there, guess I needed to get it out.

I regret treating others badly in the belief it would keep ex happy.

But I also regret that I wasn't able to be how ex needed me to be. Again, my head knows that this was always going to be an impossibility but my heart's not there yet. I believe she's doing her best in life, and I just wish that I could have been the one who didn't leave her truly believing she was the victim once again. I did try.

Give yourself time and validate yourself for the self-work you've accomplished to this point.  The struggling does give way to clarity and peace.  

I healed slowly.  For me, it wasn't the r/s that was the cause of my slow healing.  It was the severity of my issues and core wounds.  I know I've made progress because I can see the change in myself, my life, and my interaction with those in my life.  One of the things that really helped was taking an inventory (looking at what was meaningful to me) and pointing the compass in a direction that would foster more meaningful experiences.  Within that I found harmony.  

[problemsolver]

Hmm interesting question... .Regrets not leaving when I had the chance very early on... I regret letting the push pull effect my emotions so heavily. . I regret letting her jump in and out of my life so easily. . I also regret "giving up" my power.

[JQ]

BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you.

JQ, your profile says this is your 2nd post ever?  For real?  Your post reads more like a moderator.  Nice!

Love your analogy and want to add one thing to it.  Unlike cancer, the BPD is symptomatic that there is something wrong with the NON as well.  And also unlike cancer, the NON can (and probably will) get sicker by hanging around and trying to fix, cure, remedy or assist the BPD.  This is a guarantee unless you have been inoculated through an incredible amount of self introspection and professional assistance.  Which if you had received this, you would likely choose to not keep the BP in your life. 


Joe,

I'm older then you might think, I've had a life experience or two and that just so happens to be the number of women I've dated with BPD. One about 20 yrs ago that still tries to insert herself in my life and recently I had another experience with someone I loved who has BPD. I have consumed as much information as I could read online & 2 books, "I hate you, don't leave me" & "Stop walking on egg shells". Add to that an hour or two with a therapist for another issue but in the search for those answers, I learned about BPD & the people who love them.

You are correct, there is evidence to suggest that BPDs learned behavior can be corrected, if and ONLY IF they WANT to attend weekly therapy for what might be the rest of their life, in addition to the NON who loves them. They are survivors of trauma from their childhood & have learn to protect themselves to prevent feeling the horrible feelings of abandonment. For my second BPD, she told me of her trauma so I could better understand her. As a child starting at the age of 5, for nearly 7 years she was sexually & verbally abused by her older brother that was two years older, physically beating & abused by an older sister all unknown to her parents because she was ashamed to go to them to let them know what was happening to her.  I can't begin to comprehend the internal damage she suffered for not weeks or months but years. Years of sexual trauma almost on a daily basis by someone who she suppose to trust, someone who was suppose love and protect her from the evils in the world.  I can't begin to comprehend the pain she had then and continues to endure on a daily basis. She feels shame, dirty, unworthy of anyone's love or affection. Her emotional behavior has been stunted since the age of 5. How do you teach a 5 year old that she is worthy of someones trust and love after years of emotional trauma that she suffered? i ask those NONs to reexamine themselves and ask themselves if the rolls were reversed, how do you think you would be affected by a nearly non stop emotional, sexual, physical abuse & trauma for years? As much as i want to help, I know I am in no way trained to help her overcome her demons she faces each and everyday.  I can encourage & support her to seek out professional help but I can't drag her to it. I didn't CAUSE it, I CAN'T fix it.  Some evidence suggest they don't knowingly do the things they do ... .they don't play mind games just to play mind games. Other evidence suggest they actually don't remember some of the behavior they do, they've learned to block it out like the trauma they endured. They are truly damaged to the core of their very being and we as NON's at our core want to take away their pain, to help them live a full and meaningful life full of love ... .but we can't turn back the hands of time to prevent the damage that has already been done. I know her brother and refuse to speak to him. God help me if I ever see him ... .but he had his own sexual trauma incident from an adult as a child at the local YMCA that started his demise. So how can I be angry at him? He's been facing his demons for years as well and at the age of 48 had two heart attacks from years of the stress of knowing what he has done to his little sister.

For the NON, your also correct that there is something in our past that makes us behave the way we do. We are more EMPATH, NON's, will selflessly sacrifice themselves to help the BPD. It's who we are at our core, Care givers, Peace Keepers, Perfectionist,  Knights in shining armor, Cowboys with the white hat coming to assist, help, save someone who WE can't save. There are things in our past and I know mine that has made me the caretaker that I am. I have learned to say no as hard as it's been at times and there are times that I need to say it and don't. We NONs have our learned behavior from events in our childhood, trying to please a parent who never gave their approval. Maybe the other parent was absent to avoid confrontation with the parent who is most likely a BPD themselves. Our learned behavior is more easily repaired then the BPD and I would suggest that anyone who is a NON to seek out professional help to help them with improving their lives and to possibly give them a better understanding of the BPDs they love. 

Someone who is a BPD and someone who is a NON are the perfect couple ... .the Yin / Yang, exact opposites of the behavioral spectrum. One will forever cause chaos without professional help, the other will forever try to repair the damage caused by the other one. I feel for her, I want to help, but in the end the damage has been done and no amount of my good intent to show her my love, to try and have her trust me is ever going to work. I now know this ... .I hate the situation she's been dealt ... .I can't change it. She is an incredibly smart woman ... .but behaviorally she is a child and I morn the loss of her childhood, I morn the loss of any semblance of a normal life she's never had or ever will. I've been part of intense discussions with her, the amount of pain she endures everyday is beyond my ability ... .I would have put a bullet in my brain years ago. I hope and pray to God that she will eventually find peace, that she will find herself worthy of someone's love ... .that she will learn to love herself because she is and I know can be a wonderful human being ... .My wish for her is that she lives a long and healthy & happy life.

JQ

[JQ]

BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you.

This is brilliant.  I've read so much about BPD, but I haven't seen this comparison.  It's spot on.  The one thing I would add is that it's actually more dangerous for the Non than your loved one having cancer, because as the pwBPD is "dying" he/she is likely trying to pull you under to destroy you.  Sounds sick but this was my experience and it's consistent with many stories I've read here.   

Tim,

Your correct in that the BPD is "ying" ... .they are dying each and everyday. They fight each and everyday to stay alive, not to take a handful of pills, to drive a car off the road into a tree, or put a bullet in their head. I've heard my exBPD gf tell me each and everyone of those ... .she said it would be easier to drive the car off the road into a tree and kill herself then to deal with the daily pain of what she experienced as a child. The only thing that keeps her alive is her two children and the loss of their mother and the affect it would have on them.

As I said in the other post, my ex BPD gf suffered unspeakable horror of being mentally & sexually abuse nearly every day by her older brother for 7 years starting at the age of five. Physically and verbally abused by an older sister for years ... .how can a semi normal person even began to TRY and understand that level of trauma endured for years? Imagine the nightmares they have. She did what she had to do to survive ... .her behavior was stunted because of events she neither asked for, nor wanted, but was forced on her.  If there is someone to blame then blame the responsible parties from her absent parents to her siblings that stoled her childhood and forever damaged her beyond most people comprehension. Imagine being sexually abused by the very person you look to for help when your parents tell you too. The person you look to protect you from harm, guide you, help you learn daily life learning lessons, I would of put a bullet in my head years ago ... .I'm just trying to show her life is worth it ... .that things will get better. Did you know that BPDs have a suicide rate of about 8-10%? It's one of the highest rates in those who suffer mental trauma or illness. All because they induced unspeakable horrors.

We as NONs are damaged in a different way, we are damaged because we are care givers, peacekeepers, perfectionist at our core because of the childhood we had. We CANT fix our BPD we love. We didn't CAUSE it although I would do anything to go back in time to prevent it but I can't. Imagine a lifetime of pain, hurt, feeling abandonment with anyone you try to have a relationship with. Feeling unworthy of someone's love because you feel dirty, shameful, for something someone else did to you as a child. That ending your life is easier then dealing with this on a daily basis ... .that's why BPD cut themselves ... .feel physical pain in order to take away the mental pain. My ex BPD gf is no different ... .just this weekend she was in an "accident" on her bike to cause her to roll down an embankment resulting in internal bruising & physical lacerations on her legs, arms and other exposed body parts.

You can't fix them ... .but have some understanding of what they might be going through ... .you might be lucky enough to have them trust you to a certain level and so they feel comfortable with you to a certain degree to be themselves to express themselves without fear of judging ... .but it comes out in the form of rage, anger and the other things everyone experiences. If it makes you or anyone else feel better or easier to break away from someone who has BPD to be angry, develop hate towards them in order to heal yourself ... .then so be it. I'm not one to judge ... .I try to understand the situation so that I can better learn for myself the pain that they might be dealing with each day on some level. I don't hate them ... .I angry that her childhood was stolen from her, I'm angry that people she was suppose to trust damaged her beyond the normal person to either understand or help with. I'm angry that chances are she will never be able to have a normal trusting loving relationship. I'm angry that she'll deal with demons that I can't even begin to try to comprehend on a daily basis and they feel that suicide of any manner is better then dealing with the daily mental pain they have.

I understand her better, I understand myself better, I understand hers and our situation better. I under no illusion that she will ever be close to "Normal" ... .I pray everyday that she lives another day ... .that she learns to live as close to a normal life as possible. I pray everyday that she can learn to trust someone if not me then someone who will help her live and appreciate every day.

For the NON, yes we hurt because of what they did to us ... .it hurts so bad because of what we are ... .people pleasers, fixers of the broken. But by no means do we hurt on the level they do to end our lives in some horrible manner. Learn to walk away ... .seek out professional help not just for this situation that you're in but for the reason you're a perfectionist, a Knight in shining armor, a savior of humanity and learn to say no, learn to live a more healthier life for yourself.

I wish all of you peace and those BPDs you love and care for ... .my wish for them is to find the strength and courage to live everyday ... .and of course they find the peace they deserve to live a long, loving and happy life.

JQ

[Invictus01]

JQ, you write some powerful stuff, that is all I can say. Towards the end of our relationship, when she went on a pretty much 2 week drinking bender, one morning I was trying to give her crap and sent her a playful text - "How bad does your head hurt?" To which she replied - "My whole life hurts " I didn't really understand where that came from... .but I have an idea now, months later, and a ton of literature on personality disorders.

[Tim300]

BPD is like cancer, they didn't deserve it or did do anything to get it,  ... .you feel for them ... .you want to help them ... .but in the end ... .terminal cancer will take them away from you.

This is brilliant.  I've read so much about BPD, but I haven't seen this comparison.  It's spot on.  The one thing I would add is that it's actually more dangerous for the Non than your loved one having cancer, because as the pwBPD is "dying" he/she is likely trying to pull you under to destroy you.  Sounds sick but this was my experience and it's consistent with many stories I've read here.  

Tim,

. . .

If it makes you or anyone else feel better or easier to break away from someone who has BPD to be angry, develop hate towards them in order to heal yourself ... .then so be it. I'm not one to judge ... .

JQ -- You have a good perspective.  

Regarding your quote above, when people warn of how dangerous people with BPD are or even suggest to run from people with BPD, I would guess that this is very rarely coming from a place of hate or anger towards people with BPD.  As part of the disorder, a pwBPD can lose control (through no fault of his or her own) and regrettably act in ways to destroy the lives of those closest to him or her.  Therefore, the cancer analogy is good but stops short of describing just how serious this disorder is for a nearby Non.  Moreover, unlike with cancer, the best course of action for the patient here is often for the loved one to keep a safe distance; that is, keeping at arm's length (or further way) might actually be best for the pwBPD.  

[Beach_Babe]

I regret ever caring.