Re: my ex muslim wife has BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone... .this has been hard. I never had a girlfriend but plenty of female friends. So when  I met my wife I thought she was the one.  She was a white muslim convert. I needed to marry a Muslim without cututal baggage so I met her after meeting her on a Muslim daring website. We talked for hours and met again and the same. This went on for 2 weeks and she told me she loved me but said "don't ever leave me everyone leaves me". Bit of a red flag but I just thought she was needy. I then proposed to her and we married. But she didn't want to tell her parents. So we don't. 

Then we moved in together. . And slowly the arguing started. Alla flair ups... .like trying to book a holiday 1 month after being married sue flared up about the location. Then getting the taxi which was late she flared up saying there was no point.

Anyway we then went to Dubai as I had a teaching job there. Here her depreßion set in... .gradually everything annoyed her and she would flare up about anything. I told the female staff to take her out... .I took her out... .but no use. After 8 months being married she wanted out... .we argued one day and she self harmed and cut her arm.  Then we went to Abu Dhabi for a holidsy and that first night she said she wanted a divorce. She said she wasn't attracted to my looks and now didn't love my personality anymore because now she "knew me". I said let's keep trying. So I got better with her started treating her like a princess I did all the cleaning and wr only ate out. But then she said she missed her friends in London and wanted to come back but didn't want me to come back. So I stayed and she came back I think that was a Huge mistake. After a week of her missing me she said now she felt free... .she'd felt trapped with me. Slowly she became resentful. I came for a week in Jan and she was horrible to me even on the streets. When I tried to have sex she said she ill just lie there and it's forced. It was awful. When I came back to Dubai I told myself it was over. But she sent a message saying don't give up on  me I wad just angry. She also put her wedding ring back on to show me as she didn't wear it when I visited. So then  I organised flowers for valentines day in Feb and she liked that... .but a when I said I can quit my job in end of Feb and come back she said no it'd too soon... .

So then we talked evrry day on skype... .and I'm April went to Rome for a week vacation. She was okay there except the second day when I tried to be intimate with her she said it felt like I was trying to "rape" her. This got me angry and I said sort it out what do you want... .you came to Rome out of your own choice. ... so if u want just end it. She said no and then got better... .being kinder and more affwctiontoanye. 

After that I went back to DUBAI... skype continued dbu5 gradually she became distant and one day when I asked if she could tag me on fscebook photos she blew up a saying I wanted her to show her commitment to me... .also she was done with feeling trapped and unhappy and also not muslim anymore as it's all fake and she doesn't believe it. I was horrified.

Then a Week of random calls and then she started having breakdowns proper breakdowns she said the stress made her cut her arm again and she couldn't stop crying. I said please let's just try when I am.back in June. She said ok. She also let me buy her gifts from there. But then a week before my return she went on "work trip" to morroco.  She was talking a lot with a friend she made her Moll the American neighbour.  I accidentally picked up moll fone one day as we have the same fone. I was curious and looked at the whatsapp convo. My wife had written that she went to morroc with her new boyfriend but won't tell me. I was horrified... when I confronted her she exploded saying well she wanted a divorce since that time we went on vacation in December so it was my fault for not letting her go. She said I now needed to stop calling her as it sad harassment and she would report me to the police and get my teaching license revoked. However she would like her stuff back and did want to remain friends (?)

After that i went NC and she had only just contacted me asking how I am... .I am guessing it's for her stuff?

[westlondonboy22]

Hi everyone... .this has been hard. I never had a girlfriend but plenty of female friends. So when  I met my wife I thought she was the one.  She was a white muslim convert. I needed to marry a Muslim without cututal baggage so I met her after meeting her on a Muslim daring website. We talked for hours and met again and the same. This went on for 2 weeks and she told me she loved me but said "don't ever leave me everyone leaves me". Bit of a red flag but I just thought she was needy. I then proposed to her and we married. But she didn't want to tell her parents. So we don't. 

Then we moved in together. . And slowly the arguing started. Alla flair ups... .like trying to book a holiday 1 month after being married sue flared up about the location. Then getting the taxi which was late she flared up saying there was no point.

Anyway we then went to Dubai as I had a teaching job there. Here her depreßion set in... .gradually everything annoyed her and she would flare up about anything. I told the female staff to take her out... .I took her out... .but no use. After 8 months being married she wanted out... .we argued one day and she self harmed and cut her arm.  Then we went to Abu Dhabi for a holidsy and that first night she said she wanted a divorce. She said she wasn't attracted to my looks and now didn't love my personality anymore because now she "knew me". I said let's keep trying. So I got better with her started treating her like a princess I did all the cleaning and wr only ate out. But then she said she missed her friends in London and wanted to come back but didn't want me to come back. So I stayed and she came back I think that was a Huge mistake. After a week of her missing me she said now she felt free... .she'd felt trapped with me. Slowly she became resentful. I came for a week in Jan and she was horrible to me even on the streets. When I tried to have sex she said she ill just lie there and it's forced. It was awful. When I came back to Dubai I told myself it was over. But she sent a message saying don't give up on  me I wad just angry. She also put her wedding ring back on to show me as she didn't wear it when I visited. So then  I organised flowers for valentines day in Feb and she liked that... .but a when I said I can quit my job in end of Feb and come back she said no it'd too soon... .

So then we talked evrry day on skype... .and I'm April went to Rome for a week vacation. She was okay there except the second day when I tried to be intimate with her she said it felt like I was trying to "rape" her. This got me angry and I said sort it out what do you want... .you came to Rome out of your own choice. ... so if u want just end it. She said no and then got better... .being kinder and more affwctiontoanye. 

After that I went back to DUBAI... skype continued dbu5 gradually she became distant and one day when I asked if she could tag me on fscebook photos she blew up a saying I wanted her to show her commitment to me... .also she was done with feeling trapped and unhappy and also not muslim anymore as it's all fake and she doesn't believe it. I was horrified.

Then a Week of random calls and then she started having breakdowns proper breakdowns she said the stress made her cut her arm again and she couldn't stop crying. I said please let's just try when I am.back in June. She said ok. She also let me buy her gifts from there. But then a week before my return she went on "work trip" to morroco.  She was talking a lot with a friend she made her Moll the American neighbour.  I accidentally picked up moll fone one day as we have the same fone. I was curious and looked at the whatsapp convo. My wife had written that she went to morroc with her new boyfriend but won't tell me. I was horrified... when I confronted her she exploded saying well she wanted a divorce since that time we went on vacation in December so it was my fault for not letting her go. She said I now needed to stop calling her as it sad harassment and she would report me to the police and get my teaching license revoked. However she would like her stuff back and did want to remain friends (?)

After that i went NC and she had only just contacted me asking how I am... .I am guessing it's for her stuff?

[Mutt]

Hi westlondonboy22,



I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I can understand how horrible that would be finding a conversation with another man on your significant others phone.

I accidentally picked up moll fone one day as we have the same fone. I was curious and looked at the whatsapp convo. My wife had written that she went to morroc with her new boyfriend but won't tell me. I was horrified... when I confronted her she exploded saying well she wanted a divorce since that time we went on vacation in December so it was my fault for not letting her go. She said I now needed to stop calling her as it sad harassment and she would report me to the police and get my teaching license revoked. However she would like her stuff back and did want to remain friends (?)

At the center of BPD is a abandonment, abandonment fears, a narcissistic wound,  the core wound of abandonment and it seems like she may subconsciously knows this and she did say:

"don't ever leave me everyone leaves me"

A pwBPD have feel low self worth, insecurities, feelings of emptiness and often project negative feelings about themselves. Projection is taking an uncomfortable feeling or action and attributing it to someone else. I think she's using the mention of divorce back in February and projecting and she may very well be dissociating and altering reality to match her out of place feelings. It  makes it sound like you already knew that about divorcing and makes it Ok for her?

I can see how confronting her triggered shame and guilt and she likely called the cops to quickly triangulate you. I can understand how confusing that would be that she still wants to be friends. She needs to attach for ger survival and she fears abandonment, it's very well possible that she's not attached to the other person and wants to validate your attachment because she fears being alone and is scared of the world.

Do you have kids?