Now that I know what BPD is, why did it take so long to develop in my wife?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife started to show signs of BPD 10 years ago (we've lived together 21 years and been married just 13 months). She has had probably 10 rage episodes in the past 10 years, each worse than the previous. I had a heart attack a few months ago and her rage was over the top. For my own health and safety I moved into our motorhome and left. We have since completely split up, she moved back to the midwest to live with her family and I returned home. Divorce proceedings are underway and I don't see that changing.

I'm beginning to read articles that explain that BPD can take years to fully develop. I guess that is my situation. 10 years of a good relationship then 10 years of decline due to BPD.

I am not the type to accept bad treatment or raging, so I am not asking how to save the relationship. It's over.

My wife has a daughter(my step daughter), son-in-law, mother(with Alzheimers) and 5 grandchildren who will now have to bare the caretaker load as she has moved in with them. We had no children together.

Questions:

1) Why did it take so long for the BPD to run it's course? Is this common?

2) Will my wife cause trouble to her family's well being, or is the BPD's bad behavior generally directed only at the spouse(caretaker-me)?

[getwell7777]

My wife started to show signs of BPD 10 years ago (we've lived together 21 years and been married just 13 months). She has had probably 10 rage episodes in the past 10 years, each worse than the previous. I had a heart attack a few months ago and her rage was over the top. For my own health and safety I moved into our motorhome and left. We have since completely split up, she moved back to the midwest to live with her family and I returned home. Divorce proceedings are underway and I don't see that changing.

I'm beginning to read articles that explain that BPD can take years to fully develop. I guess that is my situation. 10 years of a good relationship then 10 years of decline due to BPD.

I am not the type to accept bad treatment or raging, so I am not asking how to save the relationship. It's over.

My wife has a daughter(my step daughter), son-in-law, mother(with Alzheimers) and 5 grandchildren who will now have to bare the caretaker load as she has moved in with them. We had no children together.

Questions:

1) Why did it take so long for the BPD to run it's course? Is this common?

2) Will my wife cause trouble to her family's well being, or is the BPD's bad behavior generally directed only at the spouse(caretaker-me)?

[rotiroti]

Did you notice any traits?

I feel like 10 fights over 10 years seems like it could happen in any relationship, BPD or not

[getwell7777]

Increasingly Controlling. Her way or the highway. Constantly telling me what I should do, what I should say, how I should feel.

When she rages, her comments are absolutely viscous. I hate you, I hate your guts, you are worthless, it would have been better if you died when you had your heart attack. . .I could go on and on but I don't want to sound whiney. I have always been a great provider for us, I also support her family in the midwest, Mom, daughter, son-in-law, 5 grandchildren. We bought a house for her Mom and a separate house for her daughter(my step-daughter) and the grandkids. They all live there rent free. My wife stopped working 3 years ago and I retired one year ago.  We don't have money problems. No affairs. We do have elderly parents that need lots of care. My father is in an Alzheimers facility, her Mom has early stage Alzheimers, my Mom is alone and has mobility problems, but still active, her Dad is still very healthy and still working at 77 years old. Normal burdens for people our age.

I am a very stable dependable person, not easily excitable, very slow to anger, and when I reach my breaking point, I generally walk out without saying anything hurtful.

When she rages, she forgets nearly everything she says. Only in the past year has she actually raged in front of our friends, prior to that, she only raged when we were alone. Now our friends have seen her in action and they are completely surprised and scared that they may say something to set her off.

This is her 5th marriage, my 3rd.

I'm less concerned about ending our relationship, because I have a low tolerance for abuse.  However, I would like to know if she will have damaging effects on her mid-west family and if there is anyone that can help her and her family if this is a potential problem.

Thanks for your response.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey getwell,

1.  Hard to say, because BPD defies easy categorization.  From my experience, it can get significantly worse over time, which seems true for you, too.

2.  Those w/BPD tend to have conflicts wherever they go, so I think it's likely that she will cause problems for her Family.

LuckyJim

[SurfNTurf]

Hi Getwell, Its good you are taking care of yourself. I hope your health continues to improve. I am not a psych expert but am married to my 3rd PD husb. #1 was NPD, I missed the cues, he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive AFTER the wedding. #2 was NPD, he stole a huge sum from me during our marriage and cheated on me, his next wife left him for the same reasons, he was utterlycharming and engaging prior to marriage. Having learned to identify NPDs, i totally messed up in identifying my current BPDhusb. My therapist thinks husb is BPD,but we will never know for sure as husb refuses evaluation. Husb was very attentive, supportive, and profoundly kind before marriage. Are you seeing a pattern (besides that imiss cues and am a bad picker, that is) - Their behaviors seem to come out after marriage, when they think theyhave you where they want you. Add tothatyour wife may be near menopause which can wreakhavoc with the very mentally healthy. Keep coming back to this site, you will learn much and find support.

[getwell7777]

Thanks surfnturf.

My wife's BPD symptoms became exagerated 13 years ago when she had a full hysterectomy. For three years she took Lexapro which seemed to keep her in check. After three years she stopped taking the medication and she would have at least one full-on rage outburst per year after that. I finally went with her to her family doctor and discussed the benefits of the Lexapro and he prescribed it again. Unfortunately, my wife stopped taking her medication again and the BPD symptoms returned even more pronounced each time. This cycle repeated itself for many years. Last year I had reached my wits end, because the hatred I felt from her was so deep that I told her the next rage incident will be the last. I still love her, but it seems pretty silly to give your love to someone who actually REALLY does hate you when they are raging. . . and the pain never goes away.

Perhaps it was just coincidence, or maybe my heart could no longer stand the hatred, but I had a heart attack 2 months ago and the rage that ensued from my wife immediately after the heart attack was completely off the charts and I had to leave or risk another heart attack. We're split up now and in the process of divorce at my insistence. She has moved back to the midwest to live with her family, so I'm getting over it. I've lost all tolerance for her raging and have moved into the self preservation mode.

Thanks for your insights into the menopause link. I'm so used to being chastised for even suggesting there might be a link, that it was nice to know that I'm not the only one who sees it as more than just coincidence.

[Panda39]

Hi getwell 

My thought reading your post was, fear of abandonment is a huge feature of BPD and your heart attack may have triggered her reaction/rage. Heart Attacks can kill... .death is the ultimate form of abandonment. 

I'm glad to hear your looking after yourself... .keep it up 

Take Care,

Panda 39