My story and where I'm at

[healingslowly12]

Hi,

I enjoy reading everyone's posts and it has been very helpful to me.  I hope writing this out will help me.  I think I am overreacting to my situation because it is not so bad as so many others I read on here.  I only dated my BPD for 6 months.  We broke up a month ago and went NC 2 weeks ago on bad terms (his choice).  We only had 2 good months, the rest wasn't fun for me (but of course I was addicted at that point). 

I know in my head that NC is the best thing and I wish I could erase this person from my memory, wish we never met really.  My head knows that this was a toxic relationship and wouldn't last.  My head knows that we were not good for each other and we both needed to move on.

So what is wrong with me?  Why do I keep wishing he'll contact me?  Why am I so sad?  I am still having these waves of crying throughout the day.  I feel so overdramatic.  The tears just come and I try to "mentally release" this person from my head.  I don't even know if I'm missing the person, maybe I'm just missing the feelings they gave me so long ago. After reading about BPD, I realize that they never felt anything for me so I feel like I lived though a lie which really hurts. How do I get past this?  I want my life back.

Thank you for listening.  I know I need to work and focus on myself because obviously I have some issues.  How do I do this?

[rotiroti]

healingslowly12,

It's perfectly ok to cry, because the pain is very real. I am ahead of you on the healing process (I also dated my pwBPD for about 6 months) and can promise you that it really does get better over time. Realizing that it was a toxic and unhealthy relationship is a great place to start.

Do you have a support group? Family or friends you can lean on during this time? Keep reading the posts and definitely educate yourself about BPD. It's really helped me

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey healing-

I think I am overreacting to my situation because it is not so bad as so many others I read on here.  I only dated my BPD for 6 months.  We broke up a month ago and went NC 2 weeks ago on bad terms (his choice).  We only had 2 good months, the rest wasn't fun for me (but of course I was addicted at that point). 

Doesn't matter, you feel how you feel, and the way a borderline attaches gets its hooks in deep.  It's important to feel everything all the way to get it through and out of you, so no point thinking you're overreacting.

I know in my head that NC is the best thing and I wish I could erase this person from my memory, wish we never met really.  My head knows that this was a toxic relationship and wouldn't last.  My head knows that we were not good for each other and we both needed to move on.

So what is wrong with me?  Why do I keep wishing he'll contact me?  Why am I so sad?  I am still having these waves of crying throughout the day.  I feel so overdramatic.  The tears just come and I try to "mentally release" this person from my head. 

Nothing is wrong with you, borderlines attach at the deepest level, it's survival for them but it touches us to our core.  This is actually the good news because you can use the pain to dig deep and really get to know yourself, which doesn't mean there's deep seated trauma that is in need of healing or 'fixing', it just means you may see some sides of yourself you didn't know where there or you hadn't acknowledged, and seeing that can end up being the gift of the relationship.

I don't even know if I'm missing the person, maybe I'm just missing the feelings they gave me so long ago.

Good call, now you're onto something.  It's common around here to have a conflict between our head and our heart, weird right?  Our head knows what's right, that it be over, but our heart protests, because of 'something'.  Most likely it's feelings you had with your family when you were very young, not necessarily bad, maybe warm and fuzzy, familiar, and you got them back for a while with him, and then they were taken away.  Digging for that can be fruitful.

How do I get past this?

By doing what you're doing, reading, posting, go see some professional help if you need it, and most importantly take care of yourself very well and feel everything all the way.  More good news is a wiser version of you will come out the other side, and you'll get not only your life back but a better version of you will live it.  Take care of you!

[healingslowly12]

Thank you all for your feedback.  It helps me feel better and know I'm not crazy.  I think just writing my feelings down helps too.

[Pretty Woman]

Healing... .

Please read my past posts.  I understand where you are and where you will be.  I dealt with this for 3yrs. I had ALL those same feelings.

It was an awful relationship. Yes, there were some good times but in 3yrs we prob were only together 1.5. She left me more times than I have fingers to count. The rages, the picking fights before big events... .the one physical altercation before she left me for another... .

only for her to return and I take her back like nothing ever happened.

As another poster mentioned on here... .this is a gift. It's a pretty lousy gift but a gift nonetheless.

I am learning a lot about myself this last and FINAL discard (because I will not allow this person in my life ever again... .even if it means a restraining order).  My friends are protecting me in ways I never imagined.  I went back and forth with my ex and participated in this toxic dance. These people stood by me suffering. They hated seeing me with her.

The people who matter will stand by you and help but you need to help yourself and figure out why you stayed as long as you did.

Right before this breakup I was very depressed. I was seeing my ex 2x a week tops and we live a mile from each other (she moved closer in January). I was sleeping a lot, sad, annoyed by her. Yet she dumps me for my replacement and I feel like I want to die.

There is a deeper problem here and that is in myself. I know I am healthier than her and I know I have the potential to have an amazing love life with a sane person.

Why was I willing to settle with a broken chinet plate when I could have Fine China... .a complete set?

This person treated me like total crapola. I want marriage, white picket fence, a child (well I did a few years back but I am now a little older and that might not be possible). I was mirrored so intensely the first three months until her mask dropped. As the relationship progressed (with time... .it never really "progressed" I pushed ALL my dreams away... .

I wasn't me anymore.  She stopped mirroring me and I realized just how boring and identity-less this person was.

All my dreams were never going to happen with this person who cheated on me, lied to me and was possesive of me to no end.

Their words NEVER match their actions. Words are just words. Love is just a word.

Not to you or me but to them. That is hard to comprehend if you are a compassionate, loving human being.

They "love you more than anything" and then run off with a replacement, smear you to others and post about their AMAZING new love all over FB.

No one sane does that. At least no one in their mid-40's. C'mon.

I am in therapy and now attending al-anon.  The focus needs to be on me.  We focus so much on them but there is nothing we can do about them... .

but we can help ourselves.

Please try to find a good therapist and maybe an al-anon group to help with the codependency. We are here for you.  It sounds like you really understand what has happened and are rational about it. I still struggle too. The key is to get off the topic of "them". This is about you now.

It's time to heal.


PW