How do I tell my mother 'Goodbye'?

[MotherlessChild]

Hello BPD Family.

I'm brand new to the messageboard but have been referencing the site for two years now and it's been a wonderful source of education.

I need your help.

I have had it with my BPD mother and am currently writing her a letter to tell her that I am done with our "relationship" (if you can even call it that). I'm lost as to what to include in this final farewell. I want to tell her everything--all of the pain that she's caused me, every coping method I've tried, everything that she's never let me say without screaming at me and telling me that it's my own fault. The problem I'm having is that I know she'll take whatever I say as an attack and not as an opportunity (for the last time) to go to counseling with me (she thinks that there's nothing wrong with her). I'm thinking that for my own healing I do need to include everything that I continue to feel hurt about even if it is a lot for her to hear at once. I'm also considering giving this letter to my parent's marriage counselor (who's had information releases signed so that she and I can speak) so that my mom can at least be in a safe place when she reads it.

Honestly, I'm not even sure that writing a letter is a good idea. It's the only way I can come up with to define the boundaries that I'm setting though. I absolutely can not have a conversation with her--she is way too good at emotional terrorism for me to put myself in that situation.

Has anyone ever written such a letter before? To say goodbye to your BPD parent? Is there a better way to do this? I need closure and I know that this is the only chance that I'm going to get! Please help me!

MotherlessChild

[Jenny-A]

Hi Motherless Child 

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this awful situation. I too have been there.

My mother is unBPD and dad is an enabler/NPD.

We have been NC for almost 2 years, but recently they have sent me guilt-ridden emails and have tried to pull me back into their crazy world.

For my dad, who always lets mom run the show, I wrote out healthy guidelines with my T that, if he agreed to them, would make it possible for us to have LC. These guidelines were

1) Our relationship is sacred without mom

2) You're my dad and will refer to yourself as dad (he always uses his first name with me... .don't ask why, I have no idea, other than to make things even less intimate)

3) Our conversations are private

4) My relationship with Mom is between the two of us, you will not get into the middle of it

5) We will not betray one another

Doesn't seem like that much to ask, but he said that he had to share everything with her, even to have her on the phone if we were going to talk.

Then she wrote me one more email, dousing guilt that my son's 7'th birthday had just passed and they missed him. She asked to meet with me and I replied that if she took the time to start seeing a therapist to work on herself then I would be willing to meet with her.

She replied with "Message received. Lord bless and keep you."

Then I get this email from my dad... .

When (unBPD mom) asked me if I thought it would be worth while for her

to extend her offer to meet with you again,  my

response was,  "It can't hurt". Boy, was I wrong.

     We've loved you from the minute you were born (which I guess is

why it hurts). We did our best to raise you in a loving home

(obviously, it was severly deficient from your perspective). We

sacrificed and willingly invested many years in trying to help you and

provide for your needs (as I know are doing for (your son) and (your daughter).

Obvoiusly, you no longer need us. Your heart has become hardened

towards us.

     The reason for writing is to ask you why. It is becoming clearer

that this is probably the way it is going to be. I've  seen this

happen in other families but never thought that one of our children

would ever reject us like this. I was blindsighted. We have lost our

daughter, our first grandson and only granddaughter. I think we at

least deserve to know why. I would hope (your daughter) would do the same for

you.

            Stupid, clueless, worthless, demeened, and discarded father


No guilt there, right? 

I replied with... .

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry that you've taken my message as rejection. I can assure you that my heart is in no way hardened. I see value in private therapy and believe that mother would greatly benefit from it, as I have, which is why I suggested it to her. There was no malice or intent to hurt in my suggestion.

I haven't discarded you. I outlined guidelines for a safe adult-to-adult relationship with you, and sadly you declined.

We got to this place due to the many negative verbalizations from mother about my husband and my life and then she threatened to "cut all ties" with me if I didn't change a business decision that involved my brother. I will not be bullied and belittled like a child. That is the reason why.

Yes, you have lost the scared little girl (Jenny-A) who was your daughter. In her place is a grown up woman (Jenny-A) with many wonderful qualities, one of them being a healthy respect for herself and standards for how others should treat her.

I sincerely hope that you both put time and effort into private therapy to gain perspective and healing in your own lives. It is my belief that only then would our family have a chance to be put back together. Therapy is a wonderful, sometimes painful, but very rewarding experience. I know it takes courage.

Lovingly,

Jenny-A

And then of course I heard nothing back. Because they never have and never will take responsibility or even acknowledge that they have done wrong. In their minds they gave me everything and I am wrong to stand up to their constant verbal and emotional abuse.

As far as what you should write to your mom... .just know that you're never going to get the response that you want. She will feel rejected and you will be the bad guy.

I see a lot of value in writing letters that express every single thing that you've experienced and then don't send them. Those letters are for you. You could post them here. I just posted a letter that I wrote to my dad but never sent.

Working with Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD / [L5] Coping and Healing in a Family with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw / Letter to my BPD/NPD dad

Lots of love to you. I feel your pain. 

[Surnia]

 

motherlesschild

I feel so sorry that you have a very difficult relationship with your mother, I hear a lot of difficulties to communicate in a quiet, adult way. It is hard when we don't get heard!

It is a very good thing for your own healing to write such a letter. I would not recommend to send it though. It is often a topic here, the letters, and often it causes new trouble.

Do you live with your parents? Do you have siblings? And how is the relationship with your father?

Please keep in touch, we are glad to have you here!

Surnia

[Sabine]

  MotherlessChild,

I'm sorry for the pain you've been experiencing with your mother. I'ver heard of many people writing 'good-bye' letters to their loved ones. Those that send the letters get the response that you've already outlined and those that write them and never send them get some relief. I think the fact you are willing to go to therapy will help you tremendously. Not for her, but for you. You need to be focusing on you and taking good care of yourself. She will not change and it does no good to try and make them see the light. You can even write the letter and post it to these forums for feedback or just to get it out. There are so many good resources here that should help you too. Helping a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Surnia has asked some good questions, do you have other siblings who have detached from mom?

I'm glad you're here... .

[Cheshire]

I wrote my uBPDm a letter and never mailed it.  Instead, I wrote a carefully worded email detailing my boundaries of no-contact, and gave a vague reason that I needed the space and time to deal with my own personal issues.  I accused her and enDad of NOTHING.  It has kept her mostly out of my life for just over a year.  I thought about telling her the why somehow.  Then I remembered that there could never be a why that she could accept.  She is always right in her book, and accepts responsibility for nothing, so I left the why out of it and just said the what. 

enDad & uBPDm,

As I have made you aware, I have issues in my life that need resolution.  The work I

am doing on these issues requires complete separation from you and uBPDm.  I will not be attending family functions for the forseeable future for this reason.  Respect

for my boundaries is a crucial requirement for me at this time.

To avoid continued confusion on what this means, I will clarify.  Do NOT: call,

text, email, write letters, visit, or attempt any contact with GF or myself.  This is

no longer a request; it is essential that you recognize this boundary.

Communication will be restored when I am ready to talk to you.

,Cheshire

The decision to hold back the laundry list of terrors she's responsible for, has given her nothing to fight against and I am glad I did it that way.  I still wrote her a long letter telling her how she spent 34 years gutting her childrens' souls, but I kept it for myself.  I may burn it someday, or throw it in the ocean, but unless she finds help for her condition, she'll never get to read it.  She hasn't earned that right.  Follow your instincts on this decision.  Trust your feelings.  Stay strong & good luck.

[OnceConfused]

Write the letter as a way of clarifying and releasing your own hurt feeling BUT DON'T SEND IT , BECAUSE FOR A PERSON WHO IS IN DENIAL OF THEIR BEHAVIORS, YOUR LETTER ONLY SERVES AS AN ATTACK FROM YOU.

I wrote a long letter to the xBPDgf, describing in chronological order about all the incidences of abused I had received, but I did not send. BY writing the letter in such a manner, I forced my mind to be clear and mindful of what had happened. That helped me seeing things much clearer for my own good and the decision to leave. I sincerely doubted that letter would change the xBPDgf a bit. It probably would give her more ammunition to smear me later.

Your letter is your own therapy. THe moment you send it to her, that moment the letter becomes not your therapy, but your revenge. Just fade into the sunset. Use your true love to dissipate the hatred in this world. Let yourself BE and let her go. As simple as that.

[Planttrees]

Just write a letter to yourself., to your soul.  And feel free of been yourself. It is true that no matter what you say or do, she will never get your message or become  a better person, or start walkkng in a positive direction, or apologize to you, or fix the past.

My lettrt to my mom made her happy. The queen of drama got the proof she needed for more drama and for openly blame me without any remorse or consideration.

If you are going to say bye bye forever, just make sure that this part is extremely clear and do not use maybe, perhaps, possibly, in the future, who knows, etc... start your nc with all the wonderful determination you need for your healing proccess, block her, and look for support in your community.

I read the following

https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/NoContact.html

I wish you the Peace and Love you deserve.