Does it matter who left who?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I left in May and other than a couple of mails, there's been no contact. It shouldn't matter since  I was the one who left, but to me it does. I do want our rollercoaster friendship back. He was working ar himself, school,  work, but I came close to his heart and I know that's a trigger. My question I guess is, when we leave them is there a difference in the way we are split Black? 

[Hannibal Heyes]

I left in May and other than a couple of mails, there's been no contact. It shouldn't matter since  I was the one who left, but to me it does. I do want our rollercoaster friendship back. He was working ar himself, school,  work, but I came close to his heart and I know that's a trigger. My question I guess is, when we leave them is there a difference in the way we are split Black? 

[fromheeltoheal]

If you left him, in a borderline's head you abandoned him, the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, it's the core of the disorder.  If you want the friendship back the straightforward way is to call him or go see him and tell him that, while also recognizing what you're signing up for if he does have traits of the disorder, and you've already abandoned him so he will trust you less now, which can amplify the disordered behaviors.

[rotiroti]

If you left him, in a borderline's head you abandoned him, the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, it's the core of the disorder.  If you want the friendship back the straightforward way is to call him or go see him and tell him that, while also recognizing what you're signing up for if he does have traits of the disorder, and you've already abandoned him so he will trust you less now, which can amplify the disordered behaviors.

That's a scary thought, but really on point. I left my ex, but I felt on my end like she was pushing me into it. It was days of critcism, anger, and ultimately returning my engagement ring. As soon as I was on the road she begged me to come back, but I stuck with my decision. Kept on driving and haven't looked back!

Ex did try to contact me a few times, and even reached out to my family.

Hannibal, any specific reason you want their friendship back? I'm at 3 weeks of n/c and while it is really tempting to go back, I find myself only remembering the good parts of the r/s.

[Hannibal Heyes]

Thank you both for your replies. The particular reason is that we have both got so far, him drugrehab, going back to school, work,  working together on his book, me setting boundaries, being better aware of Bpd before our first break in friendship. Although there are so many things which aren't unique,  concerning Bpd, we could talk about so many things including the diagnosis. It was Just a special bond... and I wondered if it mattered who left who in regards to ever being friends again.

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk how much my situation is helpful or relatable as my ex is more NPD traits vs BPD traits... .therefore is more motivated by maintaining an "appearance" vs abandonment... .he is more afraid of rejection vs abandonment.

Anyway... .

We barely communicate.  Only for necessary reasons of exchanging things or such.  He did always say that he hoped we could remain friends and I had felt the same but had felt that it likely wouldn't be possible.

What is happening... .  He reaches out... .with a minor txt that makes him look like "the good guy." Then he backs off... .in hopes to be persued... .so as not to be rejected.

My point is that he is still trying to play some game vs coming out and dealing with feelings.  The same dysfunctional dynamic exists even though the emotional risk and intensity is not there.  Even with no hope for us to ever be together again... .he still interacts with me in a way that is playing out the same dynamic.

I have tried to put this all out on the table... .  If we could do that... .be honest vs "pretending" then we could be friends.

But our motives and feelings must remain some secret. (Or he comes undone)

Interacting with him feels like an intentional castration of myself... .a removal of my true feelings.

If I had it my way... .

If this was anyone else... .

I'd just be open, genuine, and honest.

I'd simply state... .  Hey, I'm really in pain over our break up.  I loved you deeply, have felt that we would be life partners... .and still love you.  I realize that that is never where this r/s will go.  I do however, feel we can be friends and I can put all that aside and we can share things on a friendly warm level.

However, there is no grey for him... .he could not listen to me put those words out there... .it would pain him... .he would attack me to rid himself of the pain.

Either that or I'd have to accept to play his dance of dancing around vs ever dealing with an emotion head on.  Humm... .I don't deal with my friends this way tho.

[Gonzalo]

After the first big recycle, my ex- made a big deal out of how I was a really special person because she let me break up with her, that normally she is the one who ends her relationships (or something like that). When she finally broke up, it was with a break up - reconcile - break up again the next day - me think about it for a week then say 'OK, I'm not chasing you back this time'. But when we were talking later, she said that it was cruel for me to say that she broke up with me, even though that's what she did and what she said she always does.

So, my piece of wisdom is that it probably doesn't matter who broke up with who, since in their head they'll rewrite the breakup to whatever fits the emotions they have at the time.

[hurting300]

I left mine the first time. I swear she got back with me to get even.

[UserName69]

I left mine the first time. I swear she got back with me to get even.

Hah, mine did too. I knew when I said something she wouldn't agree with she would pretend like there was nothing going on. But later she would ignore my SMS and FB messages, she didn't even want to see me. She had a busy schedule she used to say. I'm glad I don't have to deal with her BS anymore. I have a new girlfriend now and a healthy relation feels so good compared to one with a pwBPD. I don't miss her, I'm starting to forget how she even looked like. That's exactly what I wanted, to get her out of my life/mind.

She was the one who ended it, but she still wanted to stay friends. Seriously , can anyone her on this board tell me whats the point of staying friends with your ex? She wanted to keep me as a backup, and use me against her new partner(s). I told her that I moved on and was going to date an another girl. She completely freaked out and said she would commit suicide. I can't see the logic here:

1. She dumped me.

2. She freaks out because I'm going to date an another girl?

That doesn't make sense. What was she even thinking? That I would stay single my entire life just because she wants it? I'm glad she isn't a part of my life anymore. Even if she would tell me how great her new BF is I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't become jealous, I wouldn't even care because I know his GF is a pwBPD and he's in for a nice surprise 

I can honestly tell you that my exBPD is the most horrible and disgusting person I have ever met in my life. I can't believe I used to be with her. The best thing to do is to move on and try to become a happy and healthy person, you can't become one if your pwBPD stays in your way. Thats why you need to move on. At the end it doesn't matter if she or you dumps her, she will leave you for an another guy and is probably cheating on you right now.

[rotiroti]

UserName69, your conviction is infectious!

[apollotech]

My point is that he is still trying to play some game vs coming out and dealing with feelings.  The same dysfunctional dynamic exists even though the emotional risk and intensity is not there.  Even with no hope for us to ever be together again... .he still interacts with me in a way that is playing out the same dynamic.

Immaturity, simply no way to resolve matters with them in an adult manner. I'd love to maintain some type of minimal contact with my BPDexgf just to check on her occasionally to see how she's doing, but, as Sunfl0wer stated above, that's the same child's game I'd get mired in.

My BPDexgf is still texting me, even though she has not had a response from me since early Feb. Again, as Sunflower stated, it's always a childish communication, never a communication attempting to resolve any issues that created the gulf between us.

I think it does matter to the pwBPD which party does the breaking up. I walked away from my relationship, but she texted me a few weeks later stating that she was sorry that she had to break up with me. They are emotionally children, so that's what you have to work with.

[Gonzalo]

I think it does matter to the pwBPD which party does the breaking up. I walked away from my relationship, but she texted me a few weeks later stating that she was sorry that she had to break up with me. They are emotionally children, so that's what you have to work with.

I wonder if they always reverse it, since we seem to have a lot of people who's partner switched the narrative in either direction. It wouldn't surprise me if that just kind of goes along with rewriting an emotionally traumatic event for them.

[apollotech]

I think it does matter to the pwBPD which party does the breaking up. I walked away from my relationship, but she texted me a few weeks later stating that she was sorry that she had to break up with me. They are emotionally children, so that's what you have to work with.

I wonder if they always reverse it, since we seem to have a lot of people who's partner switched the narrative in either direction. It wouldn't surprise me if that just kind of goes along with rewriting an emotionally traumatic event for them.

Hi Gonzalo,

I think you're correct. They make the narrative their own as a means or an attempt to regulate their emotions. It's just another example of them controling/changing an incident to support their "emotional" reality.

[Kelli Cornett]

I left mine the first time. I swear she got back with me to get even.

Hah, mine did too. I knew when I said something she wouldn't agree with she would pretend like there was nothing going on. But later she would ignore my SMS and FB messages, she didn't even want to see me. She had a busy schedule she used to say. I'm glad I don't have to deal with her BS anymore. I have a new girlfriend now and a healthy relation feels so good compared to one with a pwBPD. I don't miss her, I'm starting to forget how she even looked like. That's exactly what I wanted, to get her out of my life/mind.

She was the one who ended it, but she still wanted to stay friends. Seriously , can anyone her on this board tell me whats the point of staying friends with your ex? She wanted to keep me as a backup, and use me against her new partner(s). I told her that I moved on and was going to date an another girl. She completely freaked out and said she would commit suicide. I can't see the logic here:

1. She dumped me.

2. She freaks out because I'm going to date an another girl?

That doesn't make sense. What was she even thinking? That I would stay single my entire life just because she wants it? I'm glad she isn't a part of my life anymore. Even if she would tell me how great her new BF is I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't become jealous, I wouldn't even care because I know his GF is a pwBPD and he's in for a nice surprise 

I can honestly tell you that my exBPD is the most horrible and disgusting person I have ever met in my life. I can't believe I used to be with her. The best thing to do is to move on and try to become a happy and healthy person, you can't become one if your pwBPD stays in your way. Thats why you need to move on. At the end it doesn't matter if she or you dumps her, she will leave you for an another guy and is probably cheating on you right now.

Can I ask why you're still on the boards than?

[hurting300]

I left mine the first time. I swear she got back with me to get even.

Hah, mine did too. I knew when I said something she wouldn't agree with she would pretend like there was nothing going on. But later she would ignore my SMS and FB messages, she didn't even want to see me. She had a busy schedule she used to say. I'm glad I don't have to deal with her BS anymore. I have a new girlfriend now and a healthy relation feels so good compared to one with a pwBPD. I don't miss her, I'm starting to forget how she even looked like. That's exactly what I wanted, to get her out of my life/mind.

She was the one who ended it, but she still wanted to stay friends. Seriously , can anyone her on this board tell me whats the point of staying friends with your ex? She wanted to keep me as a backup, and use me against her new partner(s). I told her that I moved on and was going to date an another girl. She completely freaked out and said she would commit suicide. I can't see the logic here:

1. She dumped me.

2. She freaks out because I'm going to date an another girl?

That doesn't make sense. What was she even thinking? That I would stay single my entire life just because she wants it? I'm glad she isn't a part of my life anymore. Even if she would tell me how great her new BF is I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't become jealous, I wouldn't even care because I know his GF is a pwBPD and he's in for a nice surprise 

I can honestly tell you that my exBPD is the most horrible and disgusting person I have ever met in my life. I can't believe I used to be with her. The best thing to do is to move on and try to become a happy and healthy person, you can't become one if your pwBPD stays in your way. Thats why you need to move on. At the end it doesn't matter if she or you dumps her, she will leave you for an another guy and is probably cheating on you right now.

Can I ask why you're still on the boards than?

are you talking to me?

[hurting300]

I left mine the first time. I swear she got back with me to get even.

Hah, mine did too. I knew when I said something she wouldn't agree with she would pretend like there was nothing going on. But later she would ignore my SMS and FB messages, she didn't even want to see me. She had a busy schedule she used to say. I'm glad I don't have to deal with her BS anymore. I have a new girlfriend now and a healthy relation feels so good compared to one with a pwBPD. I don't miss her, I'm starting to forget how she even looked like. That's exactly what I wanted, to get her out of my life/mind.

She was the one who ended it, but she still wanted to stay friends. Seriously , can anyone her on this board tell me whats the point of staying friends with your ex? She wanted to keep me as a backup, and use me against her new partner(s). I told her that I moved on and was going to date an another girl. She completely freaked out and said she would commit suicide. I can't see the logic here:

1. She dumped me.

2. She freaks out because I'm going to date an another girl?

That doesn't make sense. What was she even thinking? That I would stay single my entire life just because she wants it? I'm glad she isn't a part of my life anymore. Even if she would tell me how great her new BF is I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't become jealous, I wouldn't even care because I know his GF is a pwBPD and he's in for a nice surprise 

I can honestly tell you that my exBPD is the most horrible and disgusting person I have ever met in my life. I can't believe I used to be with her. The best thing to do is to move on and try to become a happy and healthy person, you can't become one if your pwBPD stays in your way. Thats why you need to move on. At the end it doesn't matter if she or you dumps her, she will leave you for an another guy and is probably cheating on you right now.

that's harsh but probably true.

[hibye]

I left her multiple times and she kept giving me shower phone calls even for 3 weeks straight until she would break me and go back. She kept coming to my door step begging to open etc.

She wanted us to stay together but i couldn't. Tell you the truth i was afraid of her rages. She couldn't control them and it was pretty scary.

When she found a "good" replacement then she actually stopped reaching out but after a while. In 3 months time they stay together in his house.

i will never forget this experience.

[rotiroti]

I left her multiple times and she kept giving me shower phone calls even for 3 weeks straight until she would break me and go back. She kept coming to my door step begging to open etc.

She wanted us to stay together but i couldn't. Tell you the truth i was afraid of her rages. She couldn't control them and it was pretty scary.

When she found a "good" replacement then she actually stopped reaching out but after a while. In 3 months time they stay together in his house.

i will never forget this experience.

what do you mean by shower phone calls?

[hibye]

what do you mean by shower phone calls?

20-30 calls per day

[rotiroti]

what do you mean by shower phone calls?

20-30 calls per day

Yikes! Thanks for clarifying that for me... I'm sorry that it happened to you

[hibye]

what do you mean by shower phone calls?

20-30 calls per day

Yikes! Thanks for clarifying that for me... I'm sorry that it happened to you

You are welcome my friend. Thank you 

[Tay25]

I think it does matter because if the pwBPD leaves then they do whatever they can to make us feel bad, we couldnt meet their needs, we weren't good enough, whatever. We also lose respect for ourselves for putting up with this person for much longer than we should have and taking all the abuse.

If we leave we dont feel all that we just know that we have strong boundaries and enough self respect to not put up with abuse.

Then again my exBPDgf left me so my thoughts on us leaving are unproven, but i know for certain I would feel much better about myself if I didnt let her walk over me lile she did and give her that ability to hurt me.