After a long period of calm and hope, she lost it again...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all. I am back on the undecided Board. My last posts were on the LEAVING BOARD and then my BPDw and I had a reconciliation and then a very happy period of bliss and calm.

It was great. Until this morning. Then she went ape&*^%.

My BPDw is finishing up some credits to be able to get her nursing license. She is in a summer program that is pretty condensed but she does not work and has no responsibilities. After weeks of her not lifting a finger around the house, I mean, NOT DOING ANYTHING, not cleaning one dish, not helping at all with dinner ( I usually cook but she cleans), I have become tired of doing ALL of it myself. So this morning after I cleaned a kid's room, took out the trash, dusted, got laundry started and after cooking all day yesterday so that she could have a wonderful 4th of July lunch ( smoked ribs, homemade potato salad, etc.), I finally told her that I need her help with something. She said " I am not going to do anything but study today". Miffed, I said, I was only going to ask you if you could clean the kitchen ( she is so much better at it than I am and it only takes her minutes). She said " ARE YOU YELLING AT ME"? In truth I was annoyed and maybe my voice went up an octave but mostly out of emotiveness.  I said "No" but continued to argue my point of why it was no big deal. Then I said " THANKS A LOT" and went downstairs to do it myself. And I was seething. I went back upstairs (which I know is not practicing anything that I have learned here on this site) to make a point about how much I do for the family and SHE FLIPPED OUT.

I MEAN FLIPPED OUT. She was in bed "lounging" and flew across the room, pushing and shoving me into the master bathroom, against the shower, telling me that she hates my attitude and accusing me of throwing a "tantrum" (HUH?) and telling me to buy her a ticket home ( she emigrated here from the UK on a spousal visa) and how she HATES ME and can't live like this anymore. She then proceeds to SCREAM at me that she is only here because of me and she is doing all this so she can stay here ( meaning, becoming gainfully employed). At this point she is screaming so loud that I had to close the windows. I am SURE my neighbors heard everything.

ALL because of a request to clean the kitchen? Yikes. The mind of the BPD never ceases to amaze me.

The physical stuff has gotten worse with her. That concerns me.

And to top it off, my daughter is coming tomorrow for the summer. I share custody with my ex. And these outbursts are seem all to common on the heels of a visit. Maybe its just coincidental. I should have known better.

[michel71]

Hello all. I am back on the undecided Board. My last posts were on the LEAVING BOARD and then my BPDw and I had a reconciliation and then a very happy period of bliss and calm.

It was great. Until this morning. Then she went ape&*^%.

My BPDw is finishing up some credits to be able to get her nursing license. She is in a summer program that is pretty condensed but she does not work and has no responsibilities. After weeks of her not lifting a finger around the house, I mean, NOT DOING ANYTHING, not cleaning one dish, not helping at all with dinner ( I usually cook but she cleans), I have become tired of doing ALL of it myself. So this morning after I cleaned a kid's room, took out the trash, dusted, got laundry started and after cooking all day yesterday so that she could have a wonderful 4th of July lunch ( smoked ribs, homemade potato salad, etc.), I finally told her that I need her help with something. She said " I am not going to do anything but study today". Miffed, I said, I was only going to ask you if you could clean the kitchen ( she is so much better at it than I am and it only takes her minutes). She said " ARE YOU YELLING AT ME"? In truth I was annoyed and maybe my voice went up an octave but mostly out of emotiveness.  I said "No" but continued to argue my point of why it was no big deal. Then I said " THANKS A LOT" and went downstairs to do it myself. And I was seething. I went back upstairs (which I know is not practicing anything that I have learned here on this site) to make a point about how much I do for the family and SHE FLIPPED OUT.

I MEAN FLIPPED OUT. She was in bed "lounging" and flew across the room, pushing and shoving me into the master bathroom, against the shower, telling me that she hates my attitude and accusing me of throwing a "tantrum" (HUH?) and telling me to buy her a ticket home ( she emigrated here from the UK on a spousal visa) and how she HATES ME and can't live like this anymore. She then proceeds to SCREAM at me that she is only here because of me and she is doing all this so she can stay here ( meaning, becoming gainfully employed). At this point she is screaming so loud that I had to close the windows. I am SURE my neighbors heard everything.

ALL because of a request to clean the kitchen? Yikes. The mind of the BPD never ceases to amaze me.

The physical stuff has gotten worse with her. That concerns me.

And to top it off, my daughter is coming tomorrow for the summer. I share custody with my ex. And these outbursts are seem all to common on the heels of a visit. Maybe its just coincidental. I should have known better.

[an0ught]

Hi michel71,

from what you are telling she was not doing what she should be. You then got upset. That is very understandable 

But then trying to push her was bound to backfire. SET would have been ok. here. DEARMAN probably too. And if that did not help boundaries. You limit what you do and life around her becomes less perfect until she pulls her weight.

It is important to remember until the pwBPD takes responsibility for their own improvement into their own hands some set-backs are normal. Often it pays to follow a broken window strategy i.e. be vigilant on the boundary front even when things are good. These relationship are not perfectly even. Improvements are measured in less frequent, less severe and quicker recovering from blow-ups. Avoiding blow-ups may be feasible if one is super-skilled and always super-energized but usually leads to walking on eggshells.

Her behavior is clearly not ok. There seems to be a big problem in the back of her mind she is not talking about but is blocking her. Validating that she seems to be blocked and struggling to engage may be another venue to explore.

[JohnLove]

The physical stuff has gotten worse with her. That concerns me.

And to top it off, my daughter is coming tomorrow for the summer. I share custody with my ex. And these outbursts are seem all to common on the heels of a visit. Maybe its just coincidental. I should have known better.

Hello michel71, sorry things have taken a somewhat unexpected turn. The physical stuff concerns me too. Using physical force to inflict your will on someone is very abusive.

I can relate to the going back to make a point. It is very difficult when they can't really empathise or decide not to hear you at all. It is maddening and hurtful.

I am happy to hear you have maintained a relationship with your daughter although I am concerned what she may learn from relationships if she witnesses this abuse. It's not the end of the world but you are her role model. You need to handle things well for everybody's sake. It seems you are the most emotionally responsible person here. This is a tough balancing act.

These outbursts seem common on the heels of a visit. That's probably because they do. Maybe it's just coincidental?... .I suspect not. Maybe the penny just dropped. I suspect your daughter is preteen. Your relationship with your daughter may be seen by the BPDw as a threat to her. I know. I know.

You should've known better?... .don't be too hard on yourself.

[michel71]

Thank you both for your comments. I am now posting on the leaving board as it is clear that this relationship has no hope if it has deteriorated to this point. I grew up with a mother who hit me and then had a girlfriend for a few months who liked to get physical when we argued. I told myself that I would never be in that situation again. And I hadn't been... .until now. My BPDw was the women of my dreams, who supposedly understood me, and the last person in the world who I could have ever suspected  would have put their hands on me. There were no cuts, no scars, no blood... .just a broken heart and devastation to the core. I am going to post more about this on the Leaving site.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Thank you both for your comments. I am now posting on the leaving board as it is clear that this relationship has no hope if it has deteriorated to this point. I grew up with a mother who hit me and then had a girlfriend for a few months who liked to get physical when we argued. I told myself that I would never be in that situation again. And I hadn't been... .until now. My BPDw was the women of my dreams, who supposedly understood me, and the last person in the world who I could have ever suspected  would have put their hands on me. There were no cuts, no scars, no blood... .just a broken heart and devastation to the core. I am going to post more about this on the Leaving site.

I feel for you michel71. Your story is the mirror version of mine. I am still with my uBPDgf. After a year of getting back together things are going down hill again. I have promised to myself that I wont be treated the way she treated me a year ago. This time as much as it sucks I will probably end it. I will probably see you in the Leaving Board soon. Stay Strong

[Lucky Jim]

And these outbursts are seem all to common on the heels of a visit. Maybe its just coincidental.

Hey michel, Sorry to hear about these developments.  Agree w/JohnLove: the timing of her outburst is no coincidence.  There's usually a trigger; in this case, presumably it's your daughter's visit.  The frustrating thing about BPD is that its cyclical.  It's true that you can have periods of relative calm, but it's also true that the rage and abuse will crop up again, too.  The variable is the frequency of outbursts, but in my experience the outbursts don't go away.

LuckyJim