suggestions on how to get daughter into therapy

[mother of bpd daughter]

I have taken the Parenting Clases for DBT and found it helped me immensely in my interactions with my daughter.  What I struggle with is I believe DBT would also help her tremendously but can not seem to make a case good enough for her to see the benefits.  I know my therapist told me she is not ready and may never be ready.  It just gets old when she calls with the same problems over and over and we talk about them and then I always bring up "what about trying DBT classes"?  Just wondering if anyone found anything a little effective in getting their adult children into DBT?  I have told her I would limit my time around her until she entered classes but she found her own therapist who said she had DBT skills but was not giving her hand outs or work sheets.  I am also tired of paying for therapy which I told her I would only pay for classes.  I know she would understand things so much better but getting the horse to the water but you can't make her drink gets depressing!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Meadowslark]

I know she would understand things so much better but getting the horse to the water but you can't make her drink gets depressing!

Hi Mom! Welcome aboard! 

I'm sorry you're dealing with all this frustrating behavior and the depression that comes with it. You're being very supportive with little to no improvement on your daughter's behalf, it sounds like.

Unfortunately, we can't make our pwBPD do anything.  My sister is diagnosed and was given DBT class information and workbooks but she made every excuse not to do the work and ended up moving across the country to get away from the responsibility. I wish there was a magical button we could push to make them realize that they have a lot of work to do.

The boundaries you've talked about (will only pay for classes, not therapy | limiting time around her until she enters classes, etc) are really good starting points. What are you doing for self-care?

[mother of bpd daughter]

Thank You are right in that I could get her into class and then she wouldn't participate. It gets so frustrating listening to how awful their lives are for themselves.  What I do for myself is go out to dinner with friends.  Read the boards on this website and try not to get engulfed with feelings of depression for myself! 

[Meadowslark]

Mom, it's so great that you have people out there that you can go to dinner with to get away from some of the craziness with your daughter. Good for you!   Keep that up - having people outside you can connect with is so important when dealing with this illness.

My own mom practices "detaching with love". Since I'm not a parent, I can't imagine what this might feel like, but mom expresses more peace and stability in her life since trying it out. I have no doubt you did the very best you could with your daughter. It's now her decision whether to turn her life around or not, and you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Now the most important thing is you, and how you're taking care of yourself. 

[mother of bpd daughter]

Dear Meadowlark,

I like that "detaching with love".  My daughter called in a funk and I went to visit and spent a lot of time with her first listening for about an hour and half then I went into the importance of change.  I watched her emotions go up and down about 20 times.  She was on her "period" also and I wonder if that has anything with how dysregulated she was.  A friend texted her when we were out to dinner and she went into a texting war with her to the point where I told my daughter this was not enjoyable to me and I wanted to leave.  When we pulled up to her apt. she asked me if I would help pack up her boyfriends stuff b/c she was kicking him out.  I told she was on a downward spiral and to maybe hold some ice in her hands and that she needed to handle the situation on her own.  She asked me if was mad and I said I just don't like being around you when your moods are like this.  It is very hard.  She seemed to understand and we hugged and I left!  I "detached with love"!  Boy I sure felt sorry for her boyfriend when he gets home.  She has only been dating him for two months and she is surely pushing him away.  Anyway, I told her life could be better if she seriously thought about the classes and she said she would.  We will see.  What I really wonder is how much do they really get after a year of classes and does DBT work for them?  It did for me... .I can remain sane after spending time with her!  Any one know?

[kelti1972]

Hi:

Yes detaching with love really works when you can work it.  I have been in 12-step for long long time and still struggle with detachment.  I have to read about it over and over some days.  Trying to take one day at a time really works too, if you can work it.  I am struggling with both right now.  I feel alot of anger and grief today.  I am not being very grateful and accepting today.  Our son is going to therapy and going to take DBT classes and I am angry as hell today, because he has chosen not to have a spiritual program and has reconnected with his old friends that do drugs.  He says he is not a drug addict and is adomante about that.  We let him back into our home so he could get therapy and DBT paid for on access insurance.  He started a part-time job knock on wood. 

Anyway I need to be grateful for what he is willing to do and I am just fuming angry today and trying to be calm and let these feelings pass.  I feel like I am back at square one, yet I know I am not.  Just because he is going to test his boundaries after being in sober living for three months doesn't mean it is the end of the world.  Someone said we can't make them do anything and that is so true. 

I want to control my feelings and I cannot do that either.  I can just try to read, change my thoughts be gentle with myself and be patient letting my feelings rise and fall and not attach importance on them or danger to them.  Good luck and God bless!  Kelti

[mother of bpd daughter]

Thank you Kelti for sharing your "mothering" thoughts with me.  This is what we go through as parents of BPD kids on a daily basis and it is tough!  I too woke up depressed today wondering if the therapist got back with my daughter, did she make an appt., worrying!  I loved your last paragraph in trying to manage our lives!

[livednlearned]

Hi mother of BPD daughter,

We have some other threads on the site that might be useful:

Anosognosia and getting a BPD into therapy:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

VIDEO: Helping your loved one seek professional treatment

According to Dr. Xavier Amador, professor in Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, denial is a powerful deterant to recovery in mental illness. What is often thought to be immaturity, stubbornness, and defensiveness is a much more complex and difficult problem.  Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patients delusional beliefs is also important, remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference. The most difficult thing for family members to do in building a trusting relationship, he said, is to restrict discussion only to the problems that the person with mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. View this video overview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

TOOLS: "Getting" someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment

You cannot control the person's decision to see a therapist or get into treatment. Put yourself into the other person's place - no one likes to be told what to do or that they need help. So if the approach wouldn't be palatable to you, it probably won't be something the person with BPD will be receptive to either. There are 4 techniques that come from motivational interviewing that may help: Express Empathy; Develop Discrepancy; Roll with Resistance; Support Self-Efficacy       

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

[mother of bpd daughter]

Thank you Livedandlearned the information was fantastic!  Watched the video and realized I did everything wrong with trying to get my daughter into therapy.  I am going to call her and apologize!  I think it will help in putting us both on the right track!  This website is invaluable to me!

[livednlearned]

Oh good! Let us know how things go and what you found useful.

[lbjnltx]

Hi mother of BPD daughter,

I just wanted to check in with you and see  how the conversation went with your daughter... .any positive movements towards therapy for her?

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders