Undecided on what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

First post after reading a lot of the other threads and there are still things I'm trying to figure out, but feel it might help to share my situation and get some feedback.

I met my ex 4 years ago on a dating site, we had one date and she got back with her ex. Couple of years later we met on tinder and went on another date and started dating. This girl fell for me quickly, she was head over heels in love with me, people even commented on when we would get married, but I was unsure (mainly because I'm not without my faults, I'm not particularly emotionally available) but after a while I fell in love with her too. She pretty much begged me to move in after about 11 months but had suggested it before then, even though she hadn't lived with anyone in 5 years so this was a big deal for her. After the move in was great for a few weeks, but there were a couple of tantrums where she would be irrationally angry with me and I did my best to put it right. After Christmas we both had to move to a new place, by this point our sex life was non existent (bearing in mind she couldn't keep her hands off me a month before) but I put it down to the stress of moving, due to childhood trauma she doesn't like being unsettled and I knew the move would be tough.

Anyway we moved in and I did a load of work on the house as did she and things were starting to return to normal, she was talking me about the future, not just to me and telling me she loved me. Then one day we went off shopping, holding hands doing the couple thing and the very next morning she woke up late and I had prepared a nice breakfast, she came downstairs in her running gear being angry towards me and saying she felt fat and miserable. Over the next two weeks she barely said a word and I could literally feel the hatred from her, although she was nice to anyone else she spoke to, she then broke up with me and kicked me out of the house. She couldn't give a good reason, it was like she was clutching at straws.

She acts like she doesn't care at all even though she has ruined my life, I had moved jobs for her, moved house twice (now three times) and she has cost me a lot of money (we had holidays booked). Shows no remorse and hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything. It confused the hell out of me how she could love me so much one second to hatred the next until someone suggested a disorder.

I can't say what it is exactly, but she seemed to fit a lot of traits for BPD. I love her a lot, but she no longer gives a damn.

Am I on the right track?

[chill1986]

Hi everyone,

First post after reading a lot of the other threads and there are still things I'm trying to figure out, but feel it might help to share my situation and get some feedback.

I met my ex 4 years ago on a dating site, we had one date and she got back with her ex. Couple of years later we met on tinder and went on another date and started dating. This girl fell for me quickly, she was head over heels in love with me, people even commented on when we would get married, but I was unsure (mainly because I'm not without my faults, I'm not particularly emotionally available) but after a while I fell in love with her too. She pretty much begged me to move in after about 11 months but had suggested it before then, even though she hadn't lived with anyone in 5 years so this was a big deal for her. After the move in was great for a few weeks, but there were a couple of tantrums where she would be irrationally angry with me and I did my best to put it right. After Christmas we both had to move to a new place, by this point our sex life was non existent (bearing in mind she couldn't keep her hands off me a month before) but I put it down to the stress of moving, due to childhood trauma she doesn't like being unsettled and I knew the move would be tough.

Anyway we moved in and I did a load of work on the house as did she and things were starting to return to normal, she was talking me about the future, not just to me and telling me she loved me. Then one day we went off shopping, holding hands doing the couple thing and the very next morning she woke up late and I had prepared a nice breakfast, she came downstairs in her running gear being angry towards me and saying she felt fat and miserable. Over the next two weeks she barely said a word and I could literally feel the hatred from her, although she was nice to anyone else she spoke to, she then broke up with me and kicked me out of the house. She couldn't give a good reason, it was like she was clutching at straws.

She acts like she doesn't care at all even though she has ruined my life, I had moved jobs for her, moved house twice (now three times) and she has cost me a lot of money (we had holidays booked). Shows no remorse and hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything. It confused the hell out of me how she could love me so much one second to hatred the next until someone suggested a disorder.

I can't say what it is exactly, but she seemed to fit a lot of traits for BPD. I love her a lot, but she no longer gives a damn.

Am I on the right track?

[Thread]

Yes. Stay away and don't actually do this but you should thank her. It only gets worse with more commitment and more time. The more important you become the more severe the tantrums and rages. So many characteristics you described my husband with BPD showed to me before I knew what the disorder was. Run. And stay away. She did you a favor!

[chill1986]

Thanks for the reply and confirming what I thought!

Well I don't think I have a choice but to stay away! She wants nothing to do with me. It's been two months and she doesn't look like she is going to change her mind.

Did you get a clean break from your husband?

[chill1986]

Anyone else any thoughts or advice?

Does their negativity towards you ever subside? I did nothing to warrant it. A couple of instances since the break up she was actually nice, when I saw her in person, but it was short lived and went straight back to negative town.

Talking about it really seems to help and I'm so glad I found this place.

[Thread]

No clean break. We own a business together and do amazingly. But his tantrums are getting more and more frequent and the causes are becoming more and more ridiculous. I took a morning off and he flipped out and was incredibly resentful about it. Just today I lost it. I completely lost it. But I have been dealing with this for 5 years and it's for crazy making. He called his mom said he would leave me. That's today though tomorrow it's always crying then the next day it's trying to win me back. This happens about every week.

The one difference this time is I lost my cool and really freaked out to a point I shouldn't have. But at this point I know I am struggling for real.

[chill1986]

No clean break. We own a business together and do amazingly. But his tantrums are getting more and more frequent and the causes are becoming more and more ridiculous. I took a morning off and he flipped out and was incredibly resentful about it. Just today I lost it. I completely lost it. But I have been dealing with this for 5 years and it's for crazy making. He called his mom said he would leave me. That's today though tomorrow it's always crying then the next day it's trying to win me back. This happens about every week.

The one difference this time is I lost my cool and really freaked out to a point I shouldn't have. But at this point I know I am struggling for real.

Ohh dear sorry to hear that, so you are committed to making it work then?

I lost my cool with her negativity once or twice and snapped back. She gave me a look of death when I asked if she was done using the bathroom so I could take a shower and she said of course why wouldn't it be? In an angry tone. I replied don't speak to me like that, it's a perfectly reasonable question and she said it wasnt.

[Thread]

Honestly I think this time he will leave for real. I'm so messed up I don't even care but I'm now faced with running our business myself. I am completely freaked out trying to focus on one thing at a time

[chill1986]

Jeez that's tough! Try and stay strong and focus on the business. I have thrown myself into my work.

I'll cross my fingers for you! Good luck!

[SummerStorm]

Anyone else any thoughts or advice?

Does their negativity towards you ever subside? I did nothing to warrant it. A couple of instances since the break up she was actually nice, when I saw her in person, but it was short lived and went straight back to negative town.

Talking about it really seems to help and I'm so glad I found this place.

After several days of her criticizing me at the end of May/beginning of June, mine spoke really nicely to me one day.  Then, she tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital for five days.  When she got out, she was cold and distant and sometimes never replied to my texts.  Then, the negativity and blaming started again. 

I also got the look of death for something ridiculous.  She spent two nights at my house and never mentioned anything about spending any time at my house after that.  The second morning, she said, "Well, I can just put my make up on while you drive."  I said, "We have to drive separately.  I have a meeting after work tonight."  She just gave me this death stare.  I said, "I can cancel the meeting."  She huffed and said, "No, it's fine," but in a really irritated tone.  It was the first time I ever saw a response from her like that.  It was like I was speaking to a completely different person.  She tried to leave without even giving me a goodbye kiss.  I stopped her, and it was like kissing a completely soulless person.  It was like she was just going through the emotions.  It made me feel like absolute crap. 

My advice to you is to get as far away from this situation as you can and never look back.

[chill1986]

And I imagine you were the love of her life at one point?

My gf stopped kissing me in the last two weeks of our relationship, but I was always leaving the house for work before she woke up and used to kiss her on the cheek good bye and she smiled every time whilst half asleep right up to and including the day she dumped me.

[SummerStorm]

And I imagine you were the love of her life at one point?

One day, less than a week after she told me for the second time that her boyfriend was who she wanted and she was staying with him, she randomly texted me and told me that she had thought about me all day, and that she had pictured me proposing to her.  Two days later, she told me I'm "the one" and said she wanted to live with me.  A few days after that, she was barely talking to me. 

[chill1986]

My ex hasn't done anything like that as such, but she said she loved me one minute and hated me the next. Couldn't even look me in the eye.

[SummerStorm]

My ex hasn't done anything like that as such, but she said she loved me one minute and hated me the next. Couldn't even look me in the eye.

In the time span of about an hour or two, mine once went from telling me we "can no longer entertain conversations" about us being anything other than friends to sending me a text that said, "I still want to f#&$ you."

Once, she went from criticizing me to asking me if she could spend the night at my house.   

[chill1986]

Was starting to feel good again and get past her, then she text me this morning and now I'm shaking.

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to the bathroom conversation you mention Chill... .and to the scenario of kissing a soulless person and the death stare that summer storm describes. Thing got worse for me as time went on for me. I'm still struggling to walk away, but I think it's the healthiest thing to do when it comes to BPD. Its a lifelong disorder

[rotiroti]

Ah, sorry to hear your situation chili1986... .I was in the similar boat. I uprooted my life to be with her, but after a bout of silent treatment and returning my ring I left and haven't looked back. They will likely try to recycle and will try everything to get you on the hook again, but it's too late. You've become a trigger for them and each time you're back on the idolized pedestal, it won't be as high as the first time. It'll get worse with each break-up and engagement.

As for the text causing anxiety, it's real. It's as if all the pain and anger they've been projecting on us caused PTSD. I swear, even the phone ringing would send a jolt through my body for a while.

I mean do you want to go back to that? BPD or not, being an emotional punching bag is not a life I would wish on my worst enemy.

What really helped for me was to go n/c. Block phone numbers, remove her from social media, and get rid of anything that even reminds you of her.

[chill1986]

Exactly what I was mate an emotional punching bag, well put! Just spoke to one of my mates about it and he met her once and said he was shocked as she was clearly besotted with me.

She tried to FaceTime me tonight, can't be a miss call as she hasn't phoned me since before we broke up. She is supposed to be out for drinks, so is clearly thinking about me on a night out, probably wanted to twist the knife and show she was having a good time or something. Anyway I didn't pick up and I'm not responding.

No I don't want to go back to that, I want the girl I fell in love with, the amazing beautiful intelligent kind and loving girl, not this person she has become.

Thanks guys, it's always nice to have someone back you up and confirm you aren't the crazy one!

[rotiroti]

Stay strong buddy.


Don't take it personal, for pwBPD it's all about attachment. That's why the initial phases are so intoxicating, they pick up queues to become the perfect partner. The person we love was not real, or rather no longer exists

[chill1986]

Thanks man, I'm staying strong and not replying. Just looking for a reaction of some sort, I'm not giving her the satisfaction.

Got a date with a new girl this weekend, hope she isnt BPD too!

[rotiroti]

well i think one of the positives from this whole ordeal is, we can now recognize the  !

[chill1986]

Yep now I know them I feel a bit stupid I didn't put it altogether sooner?

[JQ]

Hi everyone,

First post after reading a lot of the other threads and there are still things I'm trying to figure out, but feel it might help to share my situation and get some feedback.

I met my ex 4 years ago on a dating site, we had one date and she got back with her ex. Couple of years later we met on tinder and went on another date and started dating. This girl fell for me quickly, she was head over heels in love with me, people even commented on when we would get married, but I was unsure (mainly because I'm not without my faults, I'm not particularly emotionally available) but after a while I fell in love with her too. She pretty much begged me to move in after about 11 months but had suggested it before then, even though she hadn't lived with anyone in 5 years so this was a big deal for her. After the move in was great for a few weeks, but there were a couple of tantrums where she would be irrationally angry with me and I did my best to put it right. After Christmas we both had to move to a new place, by this point our sex life was non existent (bearing in mind she couldn't keep her hands off me a month before) but I put it down to the stress of moving, due to childhood trauma she doesn't like being unsettled and I knew the move would be tough.

Anyway we moved in and I did a load of work on the house as did she and things were starting to return to normal, she was talking me about the future, not just to me and telling me she loved me. Then one day we went off shopping, holding hands doing the couple thing and the very next morning she woke up late and I had prepared a nice breakfast, she came downstairs in her running gear being angry towards me and saying she felt fat and miserable. Over the next two weeks she barely said a word and I could literally feel the hatred from her, although she was nice to anyone else she spoke to, she then broke up with me and kicked me out of the house. She couldn't give a good reason, it was like she was clutching at straws.

She acts like she doesn't care at all even though she has ruined my life, I had moved jobs for her, moved house twice (now three times) and she has cost me a lot of money (we had holidays booked). Shows no remorse and hasn't asked how I'm doing or anything. It confused the hell out of me how she could love me so much one second to hatred the next until someone suggested a disorder.

I can't say what it is exactly, but she seemed to fit a lot of traits for BPD. I love her a lot, but she no longer gives a damn.

Am I on the right track?

Chili,

It sounds as if you're new to this world of BPD ... .BEFORE you ( or anyone else in the group) decide to stay or go ... .you need to read, learn and absorb ALL l that you can about what exactly BPD and how it not only affects you ... .but ... .AND I really encourage this ... .see if from her or his persecutive ... .if you REALLY do care about this person or want to learn why they behave they way they do then you need to understand a lot of different dynamics about what you're involved in.

As you or anyone in the group might or might not know yet ... .YOU didn't cause this ... .YOU can't control it ... .YOU can't fix it ... .put it on stickies put them on the bathroom mirror AND the kitchen fridge to remind you constantly what exactly you're dealing with. The behavior of a BPD is a survival skill ... .a learned behavior that they learned as a child in order to survive a horrible situation. Imagine to be physically and emotionally abused by an older sister ... .repeatedly kicked, hit on a daily basis for no other reason then they didn't know how to behave in a bad situation with possibly their mother or father and lashed out on you.  Or imagine that you're older brother sexually abuses you almost on a daily basis and tells you that you're so damage that'll no what will ever love you ... .no one will ever want to be with you. Now imagine in either case that you turn to your  parent who is suppose the one person you can turn to ... .to protect you and stop the abuse of whatever nature it is ... .but maybe one parent is absent, gone all the time at work to escape the other parent who is the one who has abandon them ... .to live not day's or weeks or even months ... .but they live this life nearly everyday for years as a child ... .how can it not affect them on a emotional level ... .stunt their emotional growth for the rest of their life ... .they are forever a 2 or 3 year old trying to protect themselves ... .  they disparately want to loved and have that love returned ... .but so afraid of it when it does happen that they push you away ... .they leave you before YOU can leave them ... .this way they save themselves of the emotional pain ... .it's the only thing they've ever known. BPDs have the highest suicide rate of all mental illness from what I've read. Most of the time it's not intentional but it ranks at about 8-10% who actually complete the task. They hurt so much on a emotional level that physical pain, cutting, tattoo's, burning themselves, drinking, drugs are the only escape from the pain they have. They feel out of control all the time and don't know how to react because they've never learned how to.

Imagine the emotional pain you're going though right now ... .your gf left, left you emotional wreck ... .but in 4-6 weeks of going out with your friends, maybe a couple of dates with someone ... .you're emotional damage you've suffered will be almost gone and will be nothing but a memory that will continue to fade with time. NOW imagine all that pain you feel of your gf leaving ... .crank it up on the amplifier about 500% and you might get the idea of how she is feeling ... .now imagine living with that EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE WITH NO END IN SIGHT ... .FORVER IN PAIN OF NO ONE TO LOVE YOU ... .the most basic human need ... .  to want and have someone care and love you for who you are. But because of circumstances beyond their control ... .they are emotionally damaged ... .they are at the very basic level of trying to survive everyday. 


Read everything you can and then read more about it ... .keep an open mind ... .see it from both sides ... .then read some more. "I love you, I hate you ... .don't leave me" is one book ... ."Stop walking on egg shells" is another book. There are boards like this ... .there are websites ... .some like this one are for emotional support of loved ones and for educational support as well. Others will educate you on what BPD is and the different levels of it or what else might or might not be in the relationship blocking him or her. Then there are websites out there dedicated to men who want to leave their BPD gf ... .but are very brutal in my opinion to the plight of the BPD. If you can't or won't stay in the relationship ... .and no one judges you ... .then you simply need to walk away. Go completely off the grid ... .change your cell phone number ... .it's easy and doesn't cost anything, I changed my number 5 times in 4 months. You need to delete your email account and start a new one ... .or simply put her email in the spam folder where it will go from now on automatically where you won't see it. You need to block her text, her FaceTime, her Facebook, her twitter, her smoke signals ... .GO OFF THE GRID WITH HER!  then you need to tell you family, your friends, co workers not to supply her with any information on your new love, new gf, new job, your classes your taken at college ... .nothing.  You need to tell them that she is emotionally unavailable and leave it at that ... .they don't need to know all the gory details of your relationship.

You have to decide if you're going to pursue this relationship then you're going to need to seek out your own counselor ... .your own therapist ... .she's going to have to commit to seeing one herself every week for the rest of her life, without that commitment from her there is no relationship ... .it will never be a easy relationship ... .she will rage, she will lash out, you will need super human patience ... .you'll need to put yourself above the situation and not lash out yourself, yell at her or act out in retaliation for her behavior, Because she sleeps with someone else doesn't mean it is the right thing for you to do. There is evidence to suggest that they don't remember what they do ... .or that they realize they're doing it on purpose.

I speak from experience. From 2 GF who have it I learned about the intimate relationships and how BPD can affect them. When I opened my mind and sat back with my beer and thought about my family background, I realized that my mother is a BPD and she became the way she did because her father was a POW in WWiI after being shot down. He spent two years in a POW camp, experience unspeakable horrible things that no human should ever have to go through and lived the rest of his life with what we now call PTSD and no help for it. He wasn't emotionally there for his daughter ... .he married an over bearing woman ... .control freak ... .and that experienced was past down to my mother. My father wasn't emotionally there, my mother like her mother was a BPD and she passed down this learned behavior to my sister and so it goes from one generation to another ... .learned behavior ... .it can stop ... .but will take years of therapy.

So Alice ... .do you take the blue pill and go back to your happy little life with rainbows and unicorns ... .and no one would ever blame you if you did, her behavior isn't your responsibility  ... .no one will judge you. Or do you take the red pill and see how far down the rabbit hole goes? Your choice ... .but know what you're getting yourself into ... .you'll be pushed to your ABSOLUTE limits constantly. Remember ... .YOU didn't cause this ... .YOU can't fix this ... .YOU can't control it ... .become educated before you decide ... .read ... .read ... .then read some more ... .

Your choice Alice ... .choose well ... .

JQ