For nons who decided to leave, is there anything that would have made you stay?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Can you imagine anything in their life that would have delayed or derailed you from leaving the r/s?  Medical emergency, death in their family, pregnancy, loss of job, etc... .?

My decision to leave was complicated by certain emotionally intense events for my exuBPDgf, but I ultimately chose to move past them because the pain of staying was just too great.  This has proven a very painful part of my effort to detach, as I am plagued by guilt of abandoning her at a time of real need.

Just wanting to gauge the degree of focus and commitment when one makes the brutally hard choice to leave.

[search4peace]

Can you imagine anything in their life that would have delayed or derailed you from leaving the r/s?  Medical emergency, death in their family, pregnancy, loss of job, etc... .?

My decision to leave was complicated by certain emotionally intense events for my exuBPDgf, but I ultimately chose to move past them because the pain of staying was just too great.  This has proven a very painful part of my effort to detach, as I am plagued by guilt of abandoning her at a time of real need.

Just wanting to gauge the degree of focus and commitment when one makes the brutally hard choice to leave.

[Invictus01]

If she showed up and came up with a good reasoning why she disappeared and all that, yeah, I'd probably go into a recycle without really knowing that it was a recycle because I didn't know what I was dealing with. Luckily, she didn't do it. By the time she did a month and a half later (without an explanation or an apology), I started study up on personality disorders and knew that after the first break up, it will never be the same. So, I didn't even try to bring it up as much as I wanted to.

[fromheeltoheal]

You said it search, it doesn't necessarily take focus and commitment, it just takes getting to a point where the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving; pain is a great motivator.  You've decided that you leaving was abandoning her, which is how she may have interpreted it, but what else can you make leaving her mean, something that isn't as guilt inducing?  For example, selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, and we aren't doing ourselves or anyone else any good if we allow ourselves to become depleted; selfishness is not only a good thing it's mandatory in that sense.  What else could you make leaving her mean?

[letmeout]

If my ex could have admitted that he needed help, and done something about it, I might have stayed.

However, he was too far gone in crazy-land; his delusional reality, along with his constant lying and mental and emotional abuse drove me away.

I don't feel guilty about leaving him, because I had to for my own mental health and safety.

[Sunfl0wer]

If he could convince me that he could behave and believe and have an awareness of us as a "partnership" vs just thinking from the singular perspective of "him."

[blissful_camper]

Even though I knew I was making a healthy choice for us both, I was plagued by guilt when I left.  I worried about his mental and physical health. 

No. Sadly, there was nothing that would have made me stay.  That's difficult to hear myself say.

[FannyB]

If she had broken down and said 'I need help' I would have hung in there and supported her efforts to get better. Ironically, she has now been diagnosed with a co-morbid disorder so may be getting some form of help which might improve things for her longer term. Anyway, once we become a trigger I'm not sure we can help them however well-intentioned we are. 

[anxiety5]

Can you imagine anything in their life that would have delayed or derailed you from leaving the r/s?  Medical emergency, death in their family, pregnancy, loss of job, etc... .?

My decision to leave was complicated by certain emotionally intense events for my exuBPDgf, but I ultimately chose to move past them because the pain of staying was just too great.  This has proven a very painful part of my effort to detach, as I am plagued by guilt of abandoning her at a time of real need.

Just wanting to gauge the degree of focus and commitment when one makes the brutally hard choice to leave.

Here is how I did it. I used her silent treatment/shunning as a way to gather my own thoughts and regroup. I identified key areas that were problems. I made a pact with myself that I would give it 30 days of me being perfect, never biting, never fighting, walking away etc. It took a lot to do this. I waited for the opportunistic down times to voice my thoughts and tactfully bring things up. I did not approach it in a way that demanded change, I presented it as a way to strengthen our relationship. I also offered the opportunity for her to voice the same concerns with me. Each time I was shut down, walked out on, belittled and ridiculed.

That was it for me. When this coupled with the betrayal meant that trust was not only lacking but not able to be rebuilt, I walked away from her and I did so with NO REGRETS. How can you regret leaving someone that refuses to hear you, work with you, or has any desire to make things better? I left it in such a way that it was a void that could only be crossed if she was willing to do those things, and thus her ego obviously would not allow that.

At that point, NOTHING except change, would have kept me around and that is the one thing they can't ever do.

[greenmonkey]

If my ex could have admitted that he needed help, and done something about it, I might have stayed.

However, he was too far gone in crazy-land; his delusional reality, along with his constant lying and mental and emotional abuse drove me away.

I don't feel guilty about leaving him, because I had to for my own mental health and safety.

My thoughts exactly, but the likelihood of her admitting she needed help would never happen, and then going a step further and getting help and seeing it through is another giant step probably too far for her.

I got rid of her before she destroyed me totally, she was doing a great job on that one. My safety and that of my family was a priority, along with my two dogs that she had already let out into the street when we "agreed" it was time for her to leave.

[sas1729]

Anything that would have made me stay? It's a question that I have to answer from two perspectives. First, if you had asked me near the end when I was deciding to leave I would have had an answer. There were several problems in the relationship, but a few caused me great pain. The rift that happened between my family and me was a direct result of the relationship. If my ex had taken a concrete step to truly wanting to have a relationship with my family, it would have helped to convince me to stay.

From my understanding today, I don't think anything would have made me stay. I know more about BPD and understand that my hopes were wildly optimistic. In the end even if my ex realized what was going on and sought help, I think the damage to me was already done. It sucked, but I had to make a choice between my family and my ex. It sounds bad to put it this way, but I'm being honest.

[search4peace]

I happen to agree with those who would have stayed for the sake of the pwBPD's honest introspection and efforts to change.  I would have certainly stayed and worked even harder if I felt she had done this and showed some true empathy for me... i.e. was my true partner.  I would have rejoiced and been happily 100% committed to us.  I was ever hopeful, but it just didn't happen.

The painful truth for me was that for all her beautiful qualities that I loved (and still love), she simply would not own anything, accept responsibility for her dysfunctional role, or do anything but control/manipulate/gaslight me into believing that I needed to change/be fixed.  I knew I needed to address my CoD self, but when I realized that changing my CoD behaviors, though necessary, wouldn't have been enough to save our r/s, my path was clear.  

I am not fully over the profound feelings of guilt, but I know that what was bad for me (CoD behavior) was also bad for her - I couldn't give her the kind of help/space she needed to heal fully and I could never expect or trust that my needs would be valued and met.  I need to remind myself of that every day.

[zundertowz]

I probably would have stayed if I saw an ounce of empathy or sense of self but after the fog has lifted 4 months later there's nothing in the world that could get me to go back to that insanity.

[Gonzalo]

If my ex could have admitted that he needed help, and done something about it, I might have stayed... .I don't feel guilty about leaving him, because I had to for my own mental health and safety.

I'm exactly the same way, I even offered it as an ultimatum at the end hoping that she would at least say yes for the sake of keeping the material benefits of staying with me. If she had accepted that she has a major issue, agreed to go into therapy for it, and agreed to act like she believed me when I'd point out projection/gaslighting, I would have stayed. But she earnestly believed that she just has some mild issues, like everyone does, and that most of the problems were due to me, and that I was being completely unreasonable and trying to avoid responsibility for myself.

I think it's actually good that she didn't. From what I've read, seeing real improvement would take about as much time as we had lived together, and would require a ton of effort from me. I don't think I could have kept myself together for that long under those conditions, but I would have tried, and probably ended up with some kind of major breakdown.

[letmeout]

If my ex could have admitted that he needed help, and done something about it, I might have stayed... .I don't feel guilty about leaving him, because I had to for my own mental health and safety.

I could have kept myself together for that long under those conditions, but I would have tried, and probably ended up with some kind of major breakdown.

Isn't it interesting how living with a BPD person negatively affects you physically, as well as mentally.

[Loosestrife]

If my ex could have admitted that he needed help, and done something about it, I might have stayed... .I don't feel guilty about leaving him, because I had to for my own mental health and safety.

I could have kept myself together for that long under those conditions, but I would have tried, and probably ended up with some kind of major breakdown.

Isn't it interesting how living with a BPD person negatively affects you physically, as well as mentally.

Things are still quite raw for me but my SO didn't cheat on me and is seeking help. As Sunflower said - knowing what I know about BPD there is nothing that would have me stay.

I was trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who was not capable of reciprocation. That was unfair on both of us. I found out a lot about myself and it has been painful, but I will heal and learn from it and try to move on with my life. I feel very fortunate that I can go on to  have a healthy reciprocal relationship in the future and that is something I will never take your granted ever again.  

[Surg_Bear]

I told my wife of 25 years that I want out / I'm leaving 2 days ago.  My goal is to leave with grace and love.  After 25 years together, BPD is insignificant to the amount of love and compassion I have for my wife.

I have learned to put up with a lot.  A lot of crap heaped on me, that I carry without fail, because she needs me to, and because I love her.

I know that with the skills learned on this website, that I could stay another 25 years but it would not be easy.

The deal breaker for me is how desperately starved I am for physical affection.  I need so badly to experience the joy of sex with someone who wants to be there with me.  When we do have sex, she checks out, and depersonalizes.  The act then becomes focused on "get it over with" and it just turns me off.  I often just give up and wait to rub it out the next chance I get to be alone.

If there was some way to fix our sex- then yes, I would stay.  I would put up with the splitting, projections, crazy-making, gas lighting and rages.  "yes dear, you're right.  It is all my fault."  Before finding this website, this was my solution to the absolute crazy in my home.  Yes dear.

BUT- and this is the huge but:  She does not possess sexual desire, and never has.  She has no idea how sex could be enjoyable.  She thinks sex is for people who look like Brad Pitt and not Tony Soprano.  Fat people and old people do not get to have sex.  "I'm having sex with my spouse" in her mind means once or twice a YEAR.  And the total investment of time cannot exceed about 3 minutes, or she's checked out, and I'd have more response from a blow-up doll.

I would stay if she could have sex with me and open her eyes and see me loving her.  Instead of closing her eyes and going to the place where all of the shame and violation live, if she could just F*ck me while looking into my soul while allowing me to see inside hers, I would stay.

A sexless marriage violates a core value I have about sharing in marriage.  I cannot condone having an affair as this would violate a core value I hold about marriage.  Holding a spouse prisoner in a sexless marriage is as terrible as infidelity, in my inner core of values.

She does not see her lack of desire as a problem- it is my problem.  She does not want to have to confront my solution to her problem in the marriage, or after the marriage has ended.  My sex is vile and reprehensible. My body is disgusting.  These are not even issues worthy of discussion in her 4 to 6 times weekly psychoanalysis sessions.  Her analyst of 7 years did not even know our marriage was sexless until 1 year ago.

And, so, I have to leave.  She is heaping on the guilt so high and heavy right now I can barely stand my ground.  "you're leaving because of sex?"

Yes dear.

Surg_Bear

[harysc]

Yes- I think things would have been different if I lived near her, I had known her since our teens and it breaks my heart sometimes, to see her change and become this new more troubled and unstable person, most of our relationship was long distance. Though I'm not sure if it would have been more better.

I did everything I could manage to do for her- every last thing that I could do but I couldn't deal with her football nature, her changing camps when things got difficult, This April she was back in my life but all the time I was worried when she would get up and leave and go to someone else. I did push her away because I knew she wasn't satisfied on the other end and I didn't want to become that end again and it was sad to see that it was true when I figured it out.

It hurt to do that. And I wish there was something that would convinced me not to- there wasn't and that's how things are.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine left me after I almost died several times, and right before major surgery. I suppose he felt he had to do what was best for him also. I would never do this to someone. I can understand no longer desiring a friendship but abandoning anyone at a time like that reeks of human indecency.

[letmeout]

Mine left me after I almost died several times, and right before major surgery. I suppose he felt he had to do what was best for him also. I would never do this to someone. I can understand no longer desiring a friendship but abandoning anyone at a time like that reeks of human indecency.

One thing I learned about living with a BPD, if its not about them, then it has no value.

BPD's are not caretakers, they can not step up to the plate. My ex would physically leave whenever I was sick, and not return until I was well. Yet they expect to be taken care of when they are in need.

When I left mine, he raged that he expected me to take care of him when he is old. He had no concern for me as a human being, not one bit.

[Beach_Babe]

That's awful, letmeout. It makes me sad to hear what a commonality this is.

I'm not trying to suggest staying in a situation that is toxic or unhealthy; often NC IS best but not always. It depends. You can "walk away" from the relationship, but still say, send a sympathy card if their family member died. Would that be considered LC? I am not sure. I thought about leaving at times but could never bring myself to do it knowing his mother was on kidney dialysis and gravely ill.

I would have forgiven him in a second; all it would have took was a phone call and apology. Also some commitment to joint therapy.


Lol. Wishful thinking.

[klacey3]

This is a very interesting thread.

If he had sworn he would stop saying things about ex's and making threats to meet/talk with other girls if I didnt do something he wanted (eg. Meet him that night) and if he stopped putting me down with insults, made more effort to look after himself and saw a counsellor,  I would probably have given it one last try.

There were a few things i asked him for such as stop making threats and cut out the girls he would say stuff about to make me jealous. He says if he did those things i would have to not repeat anything, not argue for 'no reason' and to stop talking to my platonic guy friend of 7 years. in other words if he didnt like what I had to say he could tell me he didnt want to talk about it and i would be breaking a promise not to repeat things or argue for no reason if I brought it up again. He could get away with anything and I wouldnt be able to have it out with him. For him to be faithful and not be talking to girls from dating sites or his exs i would have to get rid of my platonic guy friends... it was just too unfair.

Thats when I realised that just to be treated like a normal person and be treated with respect (free from threats, abuse and threats to meet exs/talk to girls on dating sites) I would have to be completely submissive. I don't want that for my life.

[iluminati]

I wouldn't leave someone during a pregnancy.  That's just cruel in general.  However, with everything else, I would make an effort to find stability and then move on.  They're not your problem anymore.

[hergestridge]

Actually, the fact that my wife cheated on me after 17 into our relationship was a dealbreaker. Prior to that I had endured a lot of nasty things and I could tolerate almost anything and deal with it - but not cheating.

So if she had not done that I would probably have stayed.

In a way I was glad that it happened because it led to her having a formal diagnosis and I got to realize what an insane relationship I was living in (I kind of understod - but not how bad it was).

I got to learn that she knew nothing (or very little) about me or my values - a complete shock after 17 years.