BPD mother may have cancer

[disorderedsociety]

So I got some texts and calls from my mom, saying how she has growths in her lungs from her asbestos-filled house and of course I felt bad on one hand, and on the other kind of annoyed at the way she puts herself in situations where she's a victim. I understood she'd be getting sedated for a biopsy and agreed to stay over the night before and drive her back from the hospital after the test the next day. Boy was that a mistake.

So during the whole trip, her lack of boundaries leads her to pry into my feelings and my personal life, asking if I'm seeing someone, why I hate her, etc. I tried to tell her how her behavior makes me feel and she only grew more resentful throughout the hours I was with her. The whole time at the hospital she was acting pathetic, using her poor me voice. When we got back she was fine. She was having trouble with her computer so I fixed it up for her and she still would not stop talking about sensitive topics, hoping to get a rise out of me. Finally she asked why I'm so ungrateful for such a caring mother and when I tried to explain, she talked over me again as always. That's when I lost it. After yelling at her and getting yelled at, I walked to the nearest bus stop while she screamed what a piece of sh*t I was for the whole neighborhood to hear.

When I got home, I had some weird dreams and feel somewhat emotionally triggered over my ex. I think of course that if your parent has BPD and you were with someone previously (for 3 years) who had BPD, the emotional signature will be roughly the same. I'm somewhat afraid at this point she'll do something rash like call my workplace and try to smear my reputation but on the other hand I don't think she's capable.

Still 10 more days until I see my therapist again and I'm having a hard time 

[sunflowerhope]

That is a pretty intense escalation. There are few things worse than losing someone you love, but the more volatile the relationship the the worse the quagmire of emotions that proceed and follow the event. Please don't expect these events to change your mother for the better, like a lightening bolt of realization of how awful some of her actions have been. I've traveled that road long ago. All that happened was more work for me and guilt every time I resented a sick person. Remember to breathe. Everything is done one breath at a time. I'm sorry you're going through something so awful.

[Kwamina]

Hi disorderedsociety,

I am very sorry to hear your mother is having these health issues.

It was very unpleasant and highly inappropriate the way your mother behaved though.

How are things now? Have you had any contact with her since this happened?

[disorderedsociety]

Hi disorderedsociety,

I am very sorry to hear your mother is having these health issues.

It was very unpleasant and highly inappropriate the way your mother behaved though.

How are things now? Have you had any contact with her since this happened?

She should've gotten her test results back but I've yet to hear from her. Given enough time I'm sure she'll wind up sending me an 8-part text message.

[CeliaBea]

Hi Disorderedsociety:

I'm still new here—sorry if I haven't read your earlier posts and am asking things you've already explained elsewhere! Your situation sounds really unpleasant. Have you heard from your mother again?

"So I got some texts and calls from my mom, saying how she has growths in her lungs from her asbestos-filled house and of course I felt bad on one hand, and on the other kind of annoyed at the way she puts herself in situations where she's a victim. I understood she'd be getting sedated for a biopsy and agreed to stay over the night before and drive her back from the hospital after the test the next day. Boy was that a mistake."

Mothers suffering from BPD seem to be pretty good at creating drama, and they enjoy being the "poor victim." My mother loves to use her health problems (real or imagined or faked?) to pressure others. I spent—or rather wasted!— years of my life worrying about her. When I was a child, I regularly accompanied her when she had to see the doctor. She went from specialist to specialist, without any result or diagnosis. She also used to tell me I make her sick, that she can't sleep and is developing heart problems because of me. This is one of the reasons why I am such a conflict avoider. It took a long time to get over the fear that she'd just drop dead if I raise my voice, stand up for myself, or set some boundaries.

"So during the whole trip, her lack of boundaries leads her to pry into my feelings and my personal life, asking if I'm seeing someone, why I hate her, etc. I tried to tell her how her behavior makes me feel and she only grew more resentful throughout the hours I was with her. The whole time at the hospital she was acting pathetic, using her poor me voice. When we got back she was fine. She was having trouble with her computer so I fixed it up for her and she still would not stop talking about sensitive topics, hoping to get a rise out of me. Finally she asked why I'm so ungrateful for such a caring mother and when I tried to explain, she talked over me again as always. That's when I lost it. After yelling at her and getting yelled at, I walked to the nearest bus stop while she screamed what a piece of sh*t I was for the whole neighborhood to hear."

Oooh, yes, that sounds very familiar! My mother used to constantly provoke me, too, trying to get a rise out of me. In the end, when she attacked my partner, I drew the line. That was in 2011. I broke off contact with her and haven't heard from her again.

When I got home, I had some weird dreams and feel somewhat emotionally triggered over my ex. I think of course that if your parent has BPD and you were with someone previously (for 3 years) who had BPD, the emotional signature will be roughly the same. I'm somewhat afraid at this point she'll do something rash like call my workplace and try to smear my reputation but on the other hand I don't think she's capable.

Have you tried to structure your contact with her around your needs at all? The only thing that worked for me was to clearly spell out what I would accept, what I would no longer tolerate, and to draw the consequences. The result was that contact broke off completely; I gave her the chance to write, after six months of no contact, but she never did. For me, things are easier though, since I live thousands of miles away. You seem to be living close to your mom?

Still 10 more days until I see my therapist again and I'm having a hard time  shocked

How are you doing now? I wish I could help! One book that really helped me was Susan Forward's Mothers who can't love (2013). I think chapter 14, "OLd, sick and alone: the suddenly dependent mother," may be of interest to you, especially if it turns out that your mother really has cancer.

Bon courage!

Celia

[GreenGlit]

I've started to make it a habit to just divert questions like that from my mother. The other day she called me and started crying telling me how difficult her relationship is with her (uBPD) mother, my grandma, and how resentful she is. She said, "Have I ever done things that make you resentful? I'm so afraid I've done the same with you that she did to me." I really wanted to say yes, I am resentful, yes, you have done many things similarly. But as you can see from your recent experience, there's no point. It's not a productive conversation, and nobody feels better. If anything happens, things will escalate, words will be misconstrued, and everyone leaves angry. I just deflect. "You have worked hard to give us what your mother couldn't give you." That wasn't a lie. It was maybe the kindest thing I could say. Then I talked about something else.

Have you ever tried deflecting the question, or saying, "I'm not going to talk about topic X, but I would love to talk about Z."? It's may not be worth the effort to give truthful answers to personal questions she has no right to ask and will only result in conflict.

It sucks, but as kids of BPD parents, WE are the ones who need to set the boundaries. She will probably always try to cross them, but you can draw the lines. At least in my case, my mother really hated how I kept her from knowing details of my life by deflecting or answering with generic explanations. But eventually she got the picture I wasn't going to say more and gave it up.

What were the results of her biopsy? I hope it will be good news.

[Leaving]

Mothers suffering from BPD seem to be pretty good at creating drama, and they enjoy being the "poor victim." My mother loves to use her health problems (real or imagined or faked?) to pressure others. I spent—or rather wasted!— years of my life worrying about her. When I was a child, I regularly accompanied her when she had to see the doctor. She went from specialist to specialist, without any result or diagnosis. She also used to tell me I make her sick, that she can't sleep and is developing heart problems because of me. This is one of the reasons why I am such a conflict avoider. It took a long time to get over the fear that she'd just drop dead if I raise my voice, stand up for myself, or set some boundaries.

One book that really helped me was Susan Forward's Mothers who can't love (2013). I think chapter 14, "OLd, sick and alone: the suddenly dependent mother," may be of interest to you, especially if it turns out that your mother really has cancer.

Bon courage!

Celia

Hi Ceilia,

Nice to meet you.  Ditto to your comments about your mother and her drama and illnesses AND her ability to discard you so easily. I'm in the exact same boat.  My mother was a hypochondriac and like you, wasted too much of my life worrying about HER fictitious disease du jour.  I don't want to interrupt the conversation here  with my issues but just wanted to say welcome and also thanks for reminding me about Susan Forward's book.  Ironically, I've read her other books but not the one you mentioned!  I just ordered it.  Thanks!  I highly recommend her books and I know this one will be very helpful.

Disordered,

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the issue of a sick mother.  I hope you will find comfort in everyone's comments/advice.  I can't share anything at the moment ( not feeling well due to surgery on Friday) but I'll be back.

Everyone take care 

[CeliaBea]

Thanks, Leaving! It's good to be here. But yes, me too, I don't want to interrupt the conversation either.