Does anyone feel like they've relied on cut and run?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey all!

First time posting on this thread, it's been 4 weeks since my b/u and recovery is going slow but steady. I've been really looking into how I ended up in the relationship in the first place. Quick summary:

Got together with friend of 10 years

Intense dating 8 months

Asked to move in at month 1, with love bombs by that time

Confused intensity for intimacy. Moved in got engaged and left after a week.

I've known her long enough to suspect the signs, but I was head over heels. After I left, I thought n/c would be beneficial for me in detaching and it certainly has. However reviewing the events, I can't help but feel that I've relied on "cut and run" throughout my life and feeling guilty on if I could've ended things on a better note.

Has anyone felt anything similar?

[rotiroti]

Hey all!

First time posting on this thread, it's been 4 weeks since my b/u and recovery is going slow but steady. I've been really looking into how I ended up in the relationship in the first place. Quick summary:

Got together with friend of 10 years

Intense dating 8 months

Asked to move in at month 1, with love bombs by that time

Confused intensity for intimacy. Moved in got engaged and left after a week.

I've known her long enough to suspect the signs, but I was head over heels. After I left, I thought n/c would be beneficial for me in detaching and it certainly has. However reviewing the events, I can't help but feel that I've relied on "cut and run" throughout my life and feeling guilty on if I could've ended things on a better note.

Has anyone felt anything similar?

[Turkish]

Got together with friend of 10 years

Intense dating 8 months

Asked to move in at month 1, with love bombs by that time

Confused intensity for intimacy. Moved in got engaged and left after a week.

I've known her long enough to suspect the signs, but I was head over heels. After I left, I thought n/c would be beneficial for me in detaching and it certainly has. However reviewing the events, I can't help but feel that I've relied on "cut and run" throughout my life and feeling guilty on if I could've ended things on a better note.

Maybe moving in too quickly is the other side of "cut and run?"

I moved in after knowing her only 6 months, and dating not quite 3. I didn't physically leave (the first time), but I detached emotionally.

In what other areas in your life do you feel you've run? How do you think this tendency developed?

[rotiroti]

Got together with friend of 10 years

Intense dating 8 months

Asked to move in at month 1, with love bombs by that time

Confused intensity for intimacy. Moved in got engaged and left after a week.

I've known her long enough to suspect the signs, but I was head over heels. After I left, I thought n/c would be beneficial for me in detaching and it certainly has. However reviewing the events, I can't help but feel that I've relied on "cut and run" throughout my life and feeling guilty on if I could've ended things on a better note.

Maybe moving in too quickly is the other side of "cut and run?"

I moved in after knowing her only 6 months, and dating not quite 3. I didn't physically leave (the first time), but I detached emotionally.

In what other areas in your life do you feel you've run? How do you think this tendency developed?

huh I didn't think about it that, thanks for the perspective Turkish. I should also clarify that she asked me to move in at 1 month, but in the backdrop of having known each other for so long, I thought it was going to be A-OK. Plus at our age and having discussed the long term I was all ready to go.

I think as friendships go I've had tendencies to run... .I've always moved around so always had a new set of friends whenever I would land in a new city. I've noticed that when I move, I tend to cut ties with friends in a particular city. Now of course there are exceptions, for example my best friend from HS and I are still very close.

Turkish, I think I was in the similar situation, at the first time I was emotionally detached. A few days later i also physically left. Knowing the information from this site really helped me stick with the decision

[Turkish]

I understand knowing her ten years would seem to be a good "background check," as it were.

What you say about moving around a lot is interesting. While I have a core group of friends (brothers) I've known for 25-30 years (and we keep in touch), I noticed years ago that I tend to be able to cut ties with friends easily. I almost would go far as to say it's my own form of splitting (though I wasn't angry at them). It just felt like, "my time's done here, time to move on." These were people I really gelled with, even loved.

Then again, the phone works both ways.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good topic Never-

Sometimes cut and run is an appropriate response; in my ex's case she needed to be removed from my life immediately and forever, some people just warrant that response.  I've used cut and run in other situations where it boiled down to a lack of courage on my part though; just leave instead of face the confrontation when some kind of disagreement shows up.  What I was really saying was me winning, me saving face, was more important to me than the relationship was, so I'm willing to let go of the relationship, which is a rejection of the other person.  Sometimes that would have been the right thing, whether it was fast or slow, other times I've regretted burning a bridge when things could have been patched up.  Courage or the lack thereof.

Then again, the phone works both ways.

I've been using that line a lot lately Turkish.  I don't have a lot of long-term friends, folks tend to drift in and out of my life, and I've always been fine with that.  The way I see it we had something in common once, maybe were in the same situation, and after a while things change, lives diverge, and that's OK.  It's not really a cut and run, more a drift apart, and it seems to be important to some people to retain relationships for long periods of time, but I say no, if we're not positively adding to each other's lives, why keep trying to maintain something past it's expiration date?  So me following my own bliss has offended some people, the ones who've had the same friends for decades, but you're right, the phone works both ways.

[rotiroti]

I understand knowing her ten years would seem to be a good "background check," as it were.

What you say about moving around a lot is interesting. While I have a core group of friends (brothers) I've known for 25-30 years (and we keep in touch), I noticed years ago that I tend to be able to cut ties with friends easily. I almost would go far as to say it's my own form of splitting (though I wasn't angry at them). It just felt like, "my time's done here, time to move on." These were people I really gelled with, even loved.

Then again, the phone works both ways.

Good topic Never-

Sometimes cut and run is an appropriate response; in my ex's case she needed to be removed from my life immediately and forever, some people just warrant that response.  I've used cut and run in other situations where it boiled down to a lack of courage on my part though; just leave instead of face the confrontation when some kind of disagreement shows up.  What I was really saying was me winning, me saving face, was more important to me than the relationship was, so I'm willing to let go of the relationship, which is a rejection of the other person.  Sometimes that would have been the right thing, whether it was fast or slow, other times I've regretted burning a bridge when things could have been patched up.  Courage or the lack thereof.

Then again, the phone works both ways.

I've been using that line a lot lately Turkish.  I don't have a lot of long-term friends, folks tend to drift in and out of my life, and I've always been fine with that.  The way I see it we had something in common once, maybe were in the same situation, and after a while things change, lives diverge, and that's OK.  It's not really a cut and run, more a drift apart, and it seems to be important to some people to retain relationships for long periods of time, but I say no, if we're not positively adding to each other's lives, why keep trying to maintain something past it's expiration date?  So me following my own bliss has offended some people, the ones who've had the same friends for decades, but you're right, the phone works both ways.

Hey Turkish and Fh2h,

thank you for the response. That's how I feel over the years and thank you for echoing those thoughts. I have a core group of friends (mainly from HS) that I still keep in touch with time to time. It's definitely more difficult as lots of life happening, 2 of them are married with 2 kids each! 

It's not really a cut and run, more a drift apart, and it seems to be important to some people to retain relationships for long periods of time, but I say no, if we're not positively adding to each other's lives, why keep trying to maintain something past it's expiration date?  So me following my own bliss has offended some people, the ones who've had the same friends for decades, but you're right, the phone works both ways.

Well said. It's not a matter of me hating them nor stop caring for them, just that we went on different paths.

Could this apply to my b/u with the pwBPD as well? Sure there are more complicated factors such as hurt and romance, but I think ultimately our path to happiness diverged or it was imminent (incompatibility). Thoughts?


Hope y'all are having a beautiful Sunday

[fromheeltoheal]

It's not really a cut and run, more a drift apart, and it seems to be important to some people to retain relationships for long periods of time, but I say no, if we're not positively adding to each other's lives, why keep trying to maintain something past it's expiration date?  So me following my own bliss has offended some people, the ones who've had the same friends for decades, but you're right, the phone works both ways.

Well said. It's not a matter of me hating them nor stop caring for them, just that we went on different paths.

Could this apply to my b/u with the pwBPD as well? Sure there are more complicated factors such as hurt and romance, but I think ultimately our path to happiness diverged or it was imminent (incompatibility). Thoughts?

Could this apply to my b/u with the pwBPD as well?

For you to decide, but to me a personality disorder is way beyond incompatibility and just drifting apart, as were my behaviors and emotional reactions in the relationship, crazy that, both ways.

I just spoke to an old gf the other day.  We haven't been together for many years, and we agreed our lives have diverged and we don't know each other anymore, the history is there but the staying current stopped a long time ago, and we both know that if we were more compatible we wouldn't have broken up, but we still had a pleasant conversation and wished each other well, it was nice.  That could not and would not ever happen with my borderline ex.  It is what it is.

[Turkish]

The incompatibility angle is interesting. Not couting the recent joint session on an unrelated matter, the T only saw my Ex twice. He saw me plenty over the last 1.5 years. PDs aside, he concluded, "you just weren't a good match." So why did I force the r/s so, when I sensed this from the beginning? My gut told me to "cut and run" after the first date! Yet I stayed... .through buying a house (something I didn't want to do to tie myself down), and two kids.

Though we have success stories here, maybe C&R was the right choice, at least in your case?

[rotiroti]

The incompatibility angle is interesting. Not couting the recent joint session on an unrelated matter, the T only saw my Ex twice. He saw me plenty over the last 1.5 years. PDs aside, he concluded, "you just weren't a good match." So why did I force the r/s so, when I sensed this from the beginning? My gut told me to "cut and run" after the first date! Yet I stayed... .through buying a house (something I didn't want to do to tie myself down), and two kids.

Though we have success stories here, maybe C&R was the right choice, at least in your case?

Hey Turkish, thanks for your input from your T. I think the more I become detached, the more I realize I wasn't compatible with my ex in the long run, at least not in a romantic sense. I think if I were to never have gotten involved, we would still be friends.

And either decision would've made me ponder about the other path not taken. While it's painful I suppose I should be grateful that this pining didn't go on for another 10 years.

I just spoke to an old gf the other day.  We haven't been together for many years, and we agreed our lives have diverged and we don't know each other anymore, the history is there but the staying current stopped a long time ago, and we both know that if we were more compatible we wouldn't have broken up, but we still had a pleasant conversation and wished each other well, it was nice.  That could not and would not ever happen with my borderline ex.  It is what it is.

That's cool, I had a similar situation with my 'first love' from Freshman year of college. She is now married and happy and we happen to run into each other at a food festival. We caught up over morsels of delicious food. It was nice to talk about old times and like you said there was no longer that spark. We wished each other well and left, it felt really nice!