Daughter recently diagnosed and has mentioned suicide

[satahal]

Hi,

My 28 yr old daughter has BPD. She has struggled with depression, anxiety, and ocd in the past and has been on antidepressants since high school.

She was a bubbly outgoing child until we relocated when she was 7 or 8. He personality gradually became more introverted and reserved. In hindsight this was a marked shift but as I said it occurred over some time. She had always been a perfectionist even as a young child and pushed herself fiercely but all and all she was very happy and easy going.

She developed ocd as a preteen. Medication and therapy completely cured these issues or controlled them to where I wasn't aware of them going on anymore, though now I wonder if she hid various details of her issues from me over the years.

She was always an A student and while she wasn't particularly social, she would have 1-3 good friends. They were brainy kids, not wild or partiers which thrilled me and she always enjoyed doing things with me even as a teen. When they weekend would roll around she would look to me as her social partner. I was relieved she wasn't out doing drugs or who knows what but I wanted her very much to have more fun with kids her age. She was involved in some extra-curricular activities but had no interest in socializing with her peers. I just accepted this and never pushed her or even talked to her about it. I didn't want to make her feel weird or that I didn't want her company.

In high school a teacher told me she was cutting - I went into shock - had no idea - I'd never seen marks and even after I knew, couldn't see them- she wouldn't show me either. I got her back into therapy and she started anti-depressants. At one point she abruptly stopped taking them without telling anyone and had a suicide attempt with household pain pills, which thankfully did no lasting damage. It was chalked up to the abrupt cessation of her meds and life went back to normal. No dip in her grades or other issues.

Fast forward she's gone to college, grad school and traveled the world. She is academically as accomplished as they come and her credentials blow people away. She got a coveted position after grad school but quit after a year because she was absolutely miserable. This seemed reasonable as it was described to me and she's always made such good decisions for herself I was certain she'd find her niche. That's when the downward spiral began.

She couldn't find other work in her specialized field and become more and more demoralized. She was opposed to going back school. She dabbled in some freelance, creative work and had some success but given her nature she wasn't comfortable with the more unclear path to success inherent in the field. She does very well when there's a very clear path and clear outcome - given those things she will work harder than anyone to get to her end result. When things are more nebulous she isn't comfortable.

Now it's been almost 3 years with no job and no freelancing in the creative field either. She has been saying since last december that if she can't get her career together she will kill herself. Very matter of fact.

She has a sweet husband and they have a comfortable life. Neither wants children so I suppose career is everything for her.

I was always flummoxed by depression diagnosis these last few years - she did have a flat affect and a hopeless outlook but she exercised, took obsessive care to her appearance, cooked up a storm, went to plays and other cultural activities and enjoyed travel. I reassured myself that if she were seriously depressed she wouldn't be able to function at such a high level.

Then the diagnosis of BPD came a few months ago. It kind of all made sense - the black and white thinking, the cutting (that's happening a lot now), the depression. She doesn't rage and she's not a hair trigger in terms of being volatile or giving the silent treatment like I see in my BPD partner (another story) but she does have a low threshold for things she finds tedious and will exit those situations and conversation very abruptly (you might say rudely). Her negative outlook is pervasive - it's not like a depressed person who will express hopelessness in a low moment - she is consistent every minute of every day that her outlook is bleak for finding a job and therefore she can't see living.

I am beside myself with worry. She was the child everyone envied - the golden child - beautiful and brilliant, accomplished and self-assured and now she's decided she has no worth and no purpose. She rules out every possibility before she can give it a chance.

She's in therapy and on two medications. They wanted to add a mood stabilizer but she rejected it due to fears around weight gain. I'm not convinced the other two drugs are working as she's taken both for ten years with absolutely no improvement, just decline. She's convinced that without them she'd be worse. I just trust her doctors know what they're doing. She is a hard worker and she is committed to DBT - I noticed improvement initially. She was lighter and I could see trying to look at things differently but I talked to her today and she sounds down in the dumps again.

She's now frustrated with her husband. She's suddenly having an active social life,  mostly without him as he's an extreme introvert, though a very nice person. It seems as if she's toying with leaving him, which worries me as I fear this would be very destabilizing.

I don't know how to support her. I live 6000 miles away from her. I've scraped together funds to visit her twice since her diagnosis and plan to fly her back in December for a visit. My hope is to squeak out as many visits per year as possible to shower her with love and affection.

I look back and I wonder how I harmed her. They say abuse and neglect can trigger this - I don't believe I did either but maybe I did. She was the light of my life. I know I yelled and hollered on occasion but honestly not to the point of frightening her or making her cry - I never hit her, there was no sexual abuse. Her father was a huge part of her life and is a decent man.

I know as she became more reserved as a teen I began to be less affectionate - I was afraid that she didn't want my hugs and attention and I was so scared of smothering her or making her uncomfortable - it seemed like too much mushy stuff made her recoil and so I tried to respect that. In hindsight I fear I made her feel unloved.

I know I can't keep her alive, certainly not from 6000 miles away but how do you live with this? How do you not worry every minute of every day? If I could I would relocate and just be near her but I have a younger child who is disabled and still in school and it's not an option to move to another country in terms of my custody situation amongst other things. How do you all cope?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really sorry that your daughter is going through all of this, samanthal... .I do know how it is to have an adult child with BPD, Depression and Suicidal Ideations. My own adult (38) son dealt with Depression and SIs for many, many years until he was diagnosed with and treated for BPD in April 2013. He's much better now, due to DBT, Neurofeedback, Outpatient (he's now more than 2 years clean and sober), and Psychiatric Therapies. He's also on meds, which do keep him stabilized.

But I do know how frightening it is to always be on high alert to your child's moods and self-destructive proclivities... .Losing sleep at night and never being able to really get the fears for his/her safety out of mind is really painful and exhausting. What I found helpful during those years (prior to the proper diagnosis and treatments) was prayer, prayer, prayer. And more prayer. And did I mention prayer?    It really was the only thing that got me through those 15 years or so of his self-destructive behaviors before recovery (and before I found this site).

Reading on this site--and checking all of the links to the right-hand side of this page--and posting your story, will also help. Have you read "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? That book has been, and still is, a huge help to me in my dealings with my son and the troubles that his disorder can cause, and I highly recommend it if you haven't read it yet. "Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Reiland is also a book that really helped me understand my son and what he was going through and feeling.

Please hang in there, samanthal... .We're here for you, and know exactly what you are going through, and want to help  

[lbjnltx]

Hi Samanthal,

Coping strategies are important for us to have so that we don't go down the rabbit hole when our kids are engaging in SI, are having suicidal ideation, are feeling (and voicing) hopelessness. 

You write that your daughter is in DBT.  Have you thought of practicing DBT skills like distress tolerance, radical acceptance, and mindfulness?  These same skills practiced by carers and family members are beneficial for self, our children/adult children w/BPD, and our relationships.

Thoughts?

lbj

[Danae]

Hello Samanthal.

I'm very much a novice in all this but I really feel for you. Your story is so like my own, including the lovely, outgoing, bubbly and highly talented daughter whose life has suddenly been curtailed. I've found I've received some wonderful support both from friends, medics, books and from this website and I'm so grateful.

I can only tell you what I've found helpful so far. One really important lesson (easy to say but hard to practice) was that I really had to stop worrying my daughter would harm herself, really sit loose on it and say if it's going to happen its going to happen, and nothing I do is going to make a big difference. That was really hard to accept because I'm a real ms-fixit, you know the sort of thing, nothing's too hard, there's always a solution to every problem. However, with the help of the dr and a number of wonderful people (including on this website)  who are quite insightful about these things, I've managed to draw back from the worry and now when she threatens it, I can tell her I understand how she feels and it must be horrible for her to feel that way, but I've managed to avoid getting drawn in to the panic (and likewise her threatening it has decreased too).

I've also tried to avoid self-blame. Of course I've done all sorts of awful things, but a family therapist, knowing what I was really like, asked me to rate those awful things compared to other average parents and I had to admit that I probably wasn't any worse than most of the people I know. Yes, I've done some stupid things but I've also always given my daughter and her sibling the best I could manage in all sorts of ways. And my other daughter is so supportive of me and told me recently when I had a moment of self-doubt that she thought my only fault was being too kind! Other friends have likewise affirmed me in that respect.

Another important lesson has been to look after myself, make sure my life is OK, get enough sleep, be prepared to block out time for my own needs and enjoyment, timetable in fun times and times with other members of the family, make sure I never skimp on my own health care, spoil myself occasionally. I try to keep fit, practice a bit of mindfulness etc. All these things helped me feel more in control and happy as well as giving me a break from the stress of being around a seriously ill person.

I also constantly remind myself that a 29 year old must be ultimately responsible for her own life. So if she chooses to self-harm or become unemployed, have companions I disapprove of, etc, it's her business.   I can support and sympathise etc, but in reality, her life is her own and I'm not going to interfere unless she asks me to. (I have to say, I still find this pretty hard but I'm working on it!).

A wonderful book recommended through this website is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. I really recommend it.

[satahal]

Thank you all - D, LBJ, RR - for your kind words. It's so reassuring to know other people are going through this.

I'm not sharing this with a whole lot of people in my actual life - I've told a few friends and they seemed kind of aghast and not sure what to say - BPD stigma - it's like I announced she was serial killer.

I'm ashamed to say, I'm also embarrassed and lost - my identity/ego was so wrapped up in being mom of the ivy league genius. "Mom who maybe did something that caused a beautiful smart girl to become mentally ill" is taking some time to adjust to. My happiness and worth are so tied to my children's happiness and success.

I'm going to get all of the books you've all recommended and learn about DBT radical acceptance, etc. - and prayer yes, RR - praying every day for her. I'm not very religious but prayer is a place to put my hopes and fears.

One really important lesson (easy to say but hard to practice) was that I really had to stop worrying my daughter would harm herself, really sit loose on it and say if it's going to happen its going to happen, and nothing I do is going to make a big difference.

Danae, thank you for sharing that. I've been wondering if it's okay for me to go to that place. It's scary to admit that I can't stop her from harming herself. Scary to let go of wanting to fix her - yes, I'm a ms. fixit too - mommy to the rescue always. But it makes the most sense. I've got to function. I can't worry 24/7 and be in my own life or there for my son.

Thank you all again - so happy this place exists for us.