He was supposed to send me some money in order for me to file for divorce

[scarletviolet]

so i have posted before and here you will find details of my experience with my BPD husband...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279322.0

i haven't been speaking with him for few days now, he was supposed to send me some money in order for me to file for divorce... .he obviously kept lying about it saying that he did the transfer and up to date after a whole week, the money was still not in my account.

i confronted him on friday by text message... .( we have been in constant contact by email for work related issues ) he texted asking something about work... i replied and then added... ." more serious matter we both know you haven't transferred the money so i am asking you... .what is it that i need to wait for now?"

h :" you don't have to wait, i need to check the account, whats happening with this ground transport? "

me:And oh how am i going to file for the divorce? Please stop lying to me because you are going nowhere, i know you don't have the money in your accounts you need to call the accountant to do that and you don't want to call him so you are just taking time as usual... .so what i have told you for months now, that the truth is the only thing that set you free, still you have not got the concept "

h:' i havent checked my account yet for f... k sakes i am trying to get into this hotel, is this going to be like this every time i am asking you something work related?'

me:you told me you did this last sunday, then it was on monday... .now you have not checked the account... .stop switching the subject i have asked you every single day for the past week apart from  two days ago... .and again pushing the problems under the rug hoping they just disappear"

h:" no, I am not, i ll deal with it... .

me:LOOK I understand how you feel as i feel it too, hurt, aggravation, guilt, frustration, overwhelming feeling and real sadness and its natural to feel all of this... .

h" I will sort this out today i promise and thats how i feel yes"

me: I understand that so what do you think is going to help?'

h" I don't know"

me:  you know that if you wanted to talk i am there and always wanted to listen to help to figure out whatever needs to be figured out:

h' " ok thanks, can i speak to you around 5pm... i am having major issues with some visas... .need to sort that out first... .

me:"whenever... .

obviously he didnt call me at 5pm on friday, still in touch by email the whole weekend about work, but no phone calls, no texts, no emails relating to our issues... .

very consistent  have to say, in his standard behaviour... .

so today i plucked up the courage and even if the money was still not in my account, i went and filed the divorce papers... .broken hearted but it had to be done... .

i just sent him a text simply stating" i just wanted to let you know that today i went to take the documents to the court"

h: " we should talk tomorrow, i know  i said i was going to call the other day but been swamped with 4 shows back to back, travel and i had food poisoning"

at this point i still have not replied and really don't know what to reply... .all of this is soon heart wrenching... .i know he is sick, i know he needs help, i know he feels like i am abandoning him now even if he was the one suggesting the divorce, he is the one that painted me black now and refuse all verbal communication, however i know i have wounded him when i took the initiative to go to the court to file the papers and i know he is suffering from it now... .i am soon heart broken but i guess i need to save myself first, before been able to lend a helping hand... .

what would you suggest?what can i reply? and most importantly when we speak, i don't know if i can actually handle it at this point... .

really totally a mess right now... .

[Pretty Woman]

It's a game. It's lack of respect for you.

A few weeks ago my ex and I were supposed to go to Mexico. She ran out and got herself a new "love of her life". She had paid a friend of ours a check for $1000 to cover our share. When she dumped me I paid her a check for $500.

My friend went to cash the $1000 check and it bounced. I check and mine had been cashed.

Accident? Doubtful. Instead of me calling my ex my friend did and she was pissed off. My ex seemed genuinely apologetic but I think she was expecting me to call her. There is no way my friend would put me in this position.

Any control they have they want to keep. My ex was irrationally mad when I split off our ticket reservation. Why? Because she couldn't have any control over it, even though she just left me and broke my heart... .and my plans.  Your ex is just exerting his control. It's rude and he's being selfish. I hope this all works out for you. This isn't your fault.

[ForeverDad]

It's a game. It's lack of respect for you.

The fact is you can't expect your spouse to reciprocate your fair actions.  Solution:  protect yourself financially, legally, emotionally, etc.  Yes, it's an imperfect solution but it's the hand we've been dealt.

Think ahead, anticipate ways you might be obstructed, invalidated, bad-mouthed, manipulated, guilted or pressured and prepare yourself with counter-tactics and defenses.

As for you going ahead and filing, you did what you had to do.  Hopefully your papers weren't too fair to him.  If we start out 'fair' then if we're not careful then negotiations are likely to end up with us getting bled with a thousand cuts and walking out with a lousy deal.

[Skip]

Its a nominal fee to file for a divorce. The first step is to establish temporary orders and you can ask the judge to transfer 1/2 the cash in the marriage to you.

[cloudten]

It's a game. It's lack of respect for you.

The fact is you can't expect your spouse to reciprocate your fair actions.  Solution:  protect yourself financially, legally, emotionally, etc.  Yes, it's an imperfect solution but it's the hand we've been dealt.

Think ahead, anticipate ways you might be obstructed, invalidated, bad-mouthed, manipulated, guilted or pressured and prepare yourself with counter-tactics and defenses.

As for you going ahead and filing, you did what you had to do.  Hopefully your papers weren't too fair to him.  If we start out 'fair' then if we're not careful then negotiations are likely to end up with us getting bled with a thousand cuts and walking out with a lousy deal.

Yes, you need to protect yourself first. Financially, legally, emotionally, all of the above. Protect yourself.

I know that it is extra hard because this is a "sickness" and when married you have agreed to "sickness or health"... .but there definitely comes a point where if the sick person is not willing to help themselves, there is nothing more you can do.  Just realize you will naturally feel guilty... .I would... .my friend in my office who is in the same divorce boat as you feels the same way with the guilt, but you have to recognize the guilt for what it is and then set it aside. You did your best. You didn't fail.  The disease will always always win.