Do you think your BPDex felt responsible after it was over?

[sas1729]

Hello,

I wanted to say again how this forum has helped me to process some of my memories. Thank you all.

As I read stories of people's breakups and what lead to them, I am reflecting on my own. Maybe some of you have read bits of my replies and so may know a bit of the story. But I wanted to start this thread specifically to ask if you ever thought about or found out if your BPDex felt responsible in some way?

I am asking this because so many of the breakup stories that I have read here have been full of awful feelings. People shouting, people literally driving away and escaping, or suddenly leaving to find out that their now ex was already moving on. Reading this has made me think and remember what led up to my own breakup. I must have mentioned it before, so I can summarize briefly. But it seems to me that so many breakup stories don't involve the BPD partner asking for the non to stay.

The main thing that was impossible to fix was that my BPDex hated my family. My family was very hurt by my siding with my ex. I was naive and foolish to do this. In any case, it was impossible for me to be in two places at once, such as on important holidays like Christmas. This is what led to me breaking up with my ex. But there were times when my ex would be upset, crying, and tell me that "I'm [she] is going to ruin us." My ex was never diagnosed with BPD, so that was never mentioned. But there were times when I really felt that she knew she was doing something to the relationship that was driving it towards the end.

My breakup happened the week before Christmas. The truth is that there were horrible fights between my ex and me as well as between myself and my family about where I will be on Christmas. Who gets me on Christmas Eve, day, for how many days before and after. It was a negotiation. Ultimatums were flung about. Even today I think about how perhaps my ex wasn't totally in the wrong. I do want make sure it's clear that she did mistreat me emotionally. She was mean to me at times and yell. She did manipulate me. And she did not make any steps to reconcile with my family. So there is that, even though my family was pretty angry as well. But the fact of the matter was that I never really saw my family anymore, so my ex "got all of my time". Why couldn't you make one holiday to spend with us? I can see their point too.

That last week was bad. Fighting and I actually tried to break up twice. Sounds funny, but from reading posts on this forum I no longer feel so bad about that. I guess they were mini recycles within the span of a few days. But on the final day, when I broke up, my ex was pleading for me to not do it. I know this is a tactic that can be used, but some part of me wonders if she really loved me but was unable to and knew it. In a way, I wonder if she felt responsible for driving me to break up with her.

I don't know. Part of me thinks yes, another part thinks that she was confused why I did it, and another thinks it was my fault (or my family's fault). It was a bad relationship that I needed to exit. That much is true. I'm wondering if any of you have a story similar to mine, in which your ex had moments of responsibility and remorse. Or was it always just anger and lies and manipulation?

[Lost Out]

I find it interesting that you say it happened around Christmas, that was the same for me. She had a tantrum, saying we were all picking on her, which was not even remotely true. she went in to the bedroom, I followed and got on the bed with her and tried to soothe her. She came back out to the kitchen where her mom promptly apologized followed my me (which we had nothing to be sorry for but what the heck, try to make peace). I realized later after a snide remark about me at dinner that we said sorry but she never did. so I asked her about that and she just looked at me funny, like why would she need to say sorry. It was then I realized that this thing was over, she had absolutely no empathy for anyone, she could not understand that saying you are sorry strengthens the bond again after an issue. It's not like she knows that and does not do it, she really had no clue whatsoever. So does she feel responsible? I do not think so, not at all. That would be admitting a mistake, and BPD'rs have a difficult time with that as you know. Whatever they feel cannot be known unless they do some work and get some other kind of self "other" self awareness. They are very self aware, but it's not the same as non's.

[cloudten]

I find it interesting that you say it happened around Christmas, that was the same for me. She had a tantrum, saying we were all picking on her, which was not even remotely true. she went in to the bedroom, I followed and got on the bed with her and tried to soothe her. She came back out to the kitchen where her mom promptly apologized followed my me (which we had nothing to be sorry for but what the heck, try to make peace). I realized later after a snide remark about me at dinner that we said sorry but she never did. so I asked her about that and she just looked at me funny, like why would she need to say sorry. It was then I realized that this thing was over, she had absolutely no empathy for anyone, she could not understand that saying you are sorry strengthens the bond again after an issue. It's not like she knows that and does not do it, she really had no clue whatsoever. So does she feel responsible? I do not think so, not at all. That would be admitting a mistake, and BPD'rs have a difficult time with that as you know. Whatever they feel cannot be known unless they do some work and get some other kind of self "other" self awareness. They are very self aware, but it's not the same as non's.

I also think that many of them are very self aware... .but it is a different kind of self aware.

Mine knows that the problem is 100% him. He has freely admitted it. I have it in writing even. I do not think they feel empathy or regret in the same way we do- or at all.  After the 2nd to last rage, he knew that he was responsible, but I am not sure he FELT responsible. It's like a disconnect... .they know it's them but they can't accept it.  He described it as 2 different personalities... .and in my experience I agree.

So I guess my answer to your question is that NO... .they don't FEEL responsible, but I think that many of them KNOW they are responsible.  It's that whole facts-aren't-feelings thing.

[myself]

Yes, I think she did feel responsible. It was obvious to everyone that she was the one who sabotaged and ran. Also, some of what she said at the end was pretty revealing along these lines. But she projects the blame to me so she doesn't have to feel it/ apologize/ change the patterns in her life that lead her down these kinds of paths with people. Such is the disorder.

[chill1986]

My ex picked up on her irrational anger got a book on it but didn't really improve. She also realised she was being mean and said so when breaking up with me, but didn't know why. Still hasn't stopped her being nasty since the break up. So like has already been said she projected her negativity to me to justify her actions and hating me... .I think it's that anyway.

My relationship seemed to change at Christmas also.

I think she will regret breaking up with me at some point, but not for her actions and treating me the way she did. I think they believe they acted on the right way or that it's distorted in their head and they remember it the way they want to.

Does anyone worry what they have told their friends and family about the break up? Her friends and family loved me. They were great, they saw me as part of the family and was sure as my family was we would get married. In sure they were surprised at the break up.

[ponywise62]

I dated a uBPD lady for a year, and yep, broke up at Christmas.  We had gone through about 7 formal break-ups and a scattering of little ones on-line.  I was supposed to go to her place for Christmas.  I was nearing the end of my ability to deal with the stress.  Too many break-ups and silent-treatment episodes, et al.

We were texting each other, finalizing time-off plans, with her driving long-distance the day after Christmas.  She blew my phone up because I had forgotten that she didn't want me spending Christmas night because she didn't always sleep well with me snoring... .the "There's no pleasing you... .I can't win... .Somehow, you're always disappointed... ." and I don't know what the heck she means, she clarifies, and at the time, tells me to "Just forget it!  :)*mn it!  I made the mistake of replying immediately, and said, "OK, you got it!"

I figured she'd come back and tell me she didn't mean it.  She didn't.  Just a long silent treatment that lasted five days.  I fired an angry text condemning the silent treatment - again - and I called her a c**t.  I was so angry.  She texts back how heartbroken she was that I didn't come for Christmas!  what the heck!

It was clearly her fault.  We broke up, and the best she could do was to say that she begged her ex-husband to take her back.  (She had been going out of state to file divorce papers.)  I was crushed.  The best she could do as to take any responsibility was blame it on me for calling her the c-word and the fact that she was tired of never being able to say or do the right things in our relationship, and she felt I couldn't, either.  I believe she was perfectly self-aware of what she did... .but she said she didn't cancel our Christmas, she was just exasperated, like it was the Twilight Zone.  Claims she didn't make a retraction to the "Just forget it!" stuff because it would have led to another fight.  But she was upset that I didn't even call on Christmas!  Wouldn't a phone call been a fight the same way?  

It's been a little over six months since we broke up.  I'm still in the throes of guilt and regret.  I honestly think she knew she messed up, hence her missing me so badly at Christmas.  She never could give me a heartfelt apology for anything.  She couldn't this time, either.  :)oes she feel responsible?  I know she does.  I think she's deluding herself into believing that this was my fault.  I was, as I made the decision to misinterpret her.  However, the reality is that she crossed a boundary, and she knew it.  I told her that if I told her what she told me, she'd probably never speak to me again.  

She knew better than to talk to me like that.  She had one of her rages.  I just couldn't suck it up any more.  

[introvert]

My exBPDgf could never seem to decide whether or not she was at all responsible. Most of the time it was ALL my fault. Occasionally it was mostly her fault. She could completely change her view during a 5 minute conversation on the subject.

Their feelings change and reality changes along with it. I wonder if she sometimes truly feels partially responsible or if she was just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear.

[valet]

I think that she probably feels that it was all her fault, which is not true.

I did hurtful things to her and she did hurtful things to me.

When I realized that the level of pain was mutual, my healing took on a different direction.

[apollotech]

In short, no, my BPDexgf has not accepted any responsibility for the demise of our relationship. Does she know that her behaviors/actions caused me to walk out, yes. She has expressed that her "issues" cause problems in relationships. However, introspection in her was/is lacking. As a result, I think she knows but she doesn't believe as she lacks the ability to examine her actions/behaviors. (IMHO, this is what drives the lack of empathy spoken of on the boards.) No belief = No responsibility. (Do you offer a sincere apology for something that you sincerely don't believe that you're responsible for?)

[greenmonkey]

She knew she was responsible for me ending it, I told her blatantly each time she threw another nuclear bomb at our relationship, I told her each time she was destroying whatever love I ever had for her. I gave her numerous opportunities to start fixing the damage she caused.

Did she take any responsibility for it - no never - did she want to try and repair the damage, rebuild the trust - no - the reason being was that with everything it was twisted around so she was the victim and I treated her badly - by standing up to her BS - and she was not responsible for anything in her life and how her life panned out - everyone else was too blame.

Being responsible for any part of her life is not in her make up - sad but true

[SummerStorm]

No, I don't.  She never took responsibility for anything.  I even tried to get her to share responsibility with me, and she wouldn't.  I said, "Can we both admit that we shouldn't have started an affair, that we should have just stayed friends and waited to see what would happen?  We shouldn't have slept together that first night."  She replied, "I think it's time for you to go now." 

Days later, I said, "You painted your boyfriend as this awful person.  You said such terrible things about him.  I thought I was saving you from a bad situation."  She replied, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." 

I know she's probably feeling a lot of shame for what she did, but it makes me so mad that she won't take any responsibility.

Her final messages to me made it very clear that she thinks everything is my fault.  I'm a "poison" who almost ruined her life. 

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

same story here... .she never apologised... .well, there were some moments when she just pops up at my workplace bringing me presents... .maybe she said sorry about 5-10 times... .but we've been constantly having fight twice per month for more than 6 years... .so imagine... .always my fault for her emotional rage... .I apologised many times for her feelings... .just because I was really sorry she felt this way... .and she managed to make me feel this way too... .eventually I started to loos myself... .twisting the reality... .mirroring her feelings and falling into her emotional states... .somehow I got a feeling that I'm also becoming more and more sensitive... .following her way of feeling... .Is this even possible - to reflect BPD and adopt it eventually? btw I'm pretty good at reflecting and mirroring... .I think I still haven't find my true self... .

[gomez_addams]

I'm wondering if any of you have a story similar to mine, in which your ex had moments of responsibility and remorse. Or was it always just anger and lies and manipulation?

The best answer I can give for myself is that I don't spend time trying to figure these things out.  The divorce papers were filed and she moved out of state less than a month ago. 

I try to spend my time focusing on things that will be productive, and less on what she's thinking/feeling.  I could never figure that crap out when we were under the same roof and I was trying to save/improve the marriage.  I'm certainly not going to figure out what she's thinking/feeling from thousands of miles away.

So I detach, move on, eat healthy, sleep well, exercise, save money, have fun, reconnect with friends and family, try to do a good turn daily, and when I start thinking about her I say a short prayer that all is well in her life (that she's happy, healthy, and good things are happening to her).

I guess you could say that "I don't care"... .but it's more along the lines of having only five gallons of "give a damn" per day.  She gets none.  If I give her any, then I have to take some away from work/myself/the people around me that deserve it.  So she gets zero, unless she pops into my head.  Then she gets a spoonful (the short prayer).

It's not easy.  She used to get four gallons a day.  During that time I was a horrible friend, horrible son/brother/uncle, horrible employee, horrible supervisor, and selfless to the point of being neglectful to my own needs.

Now she gets none, and I've accepted that I'll never have any answers, and that's okay.

Gomez

[MikeAnon]

Hey there... .Glad to read your post.

Healing truly IS a process that's for you. Part of that process does include wondering about why they did certain things, if they realize the magnitude of hurt their behavior caused others (you) the good news is that means you're on the right track. 

And this is just a suggestion: But don't spend weeks, months or even years wondering about them... .all the questions about why, do they know, do they realize, how come. It's important as a STEP but also underlines our codependency on their behavior vs our own well being.

Start looking ahead to rounding the corner where that attention and they questions are focused on you... .on what was missing in your life that you stayed and how you can take care of you.

And to answer your question, the realization is there that they hurt you but for them to change it is as easy as someone changing from right to left handed. The behavior is ingrained and becomes "natural."

Focus on you. That's the best use of your time. 

[letmeout]

From my personal experience, no. My BPD ex is not able to feel responsibility, so therefore, no remorse.  I divorced him/his insanity 4 years ago and ran into him last month at a grandson's birthday party.

He is still the same spiteful *hole that he always was, and projects everything he ever did onto me. Incredible. 

[rotiroti]

Can you introduce me to your T? he/she sounds a-w-e-s-o-m-e!

I really agree with what Gomez wrote, knowing answers to the unanswerable are pretty pointless and i think the experience can be a great catalyst to self-improvement. Perhaps we can find the answers in ourselves?

As for the topic, yes, pwBPW do feel responsibility. At least until the next set of strong emotions sweeps away everything. Mine wrote my family a letter claiming responsibility for the hurt and pain she caused. It was nice, but it didn't change anything

I'm wondering if any of you have a story similar to mine, in which your ex had moments of responsibility and remorse. Or was it always just anger and lies and manipulation?

The best answer I can give for myself is that I don't spend time trying to figure these things out.  The divorce papers were filed and she moved out of state less than a month ago. 

I try to spend my time focusing on things that will be productive, and less on what she's thinking/feeling.  I could never figure that crap out when we were under the same roof and I was trying to save/improve the marriage.  I'm certainly not going to figure out what she's thinking/feeling from thousands of miles away.

So I detach, move on, eat healthy, sleep well, exercise, save money, have fun, reconnect with friends and family, try to do a good turn daily, and when I start thinking about her I say a short prayer that all is well in her life (that she's happy, healthy, and good things are happening to her).

I guess you could say that "I don't care"... .but it's more along the lines of having only five gallons of "give a damn" per day.  She gets none.  If I give her any, then I have to take some away from work/myself/the people around me that deserve it.  So she gets zero, unless she pops into my head.  Then she gets a spoonful (the short prayer).

It's not easy.  She used to get four gallons a day.  During that time I was a horrible friend, horrible son/brother/uncle, horrible employee, horrible supervisor, and selfless to the point of being neglectful to my own needs.

Now she gets none, and I've accepted that I'll never have any answers, and that's okay.

Gomez