Was it me? Is this normal?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone, I want to thank you in advance for reading my post. I have been separated for 2 months now from my BPD ex (I believe). I have found so much strength in reading these posts, and educating myself on this mental illness. I feel in SO MANY aspects, I could insert her name into the descriptions, and yet other descriptions make me question if Im reading into this? I decided to post my story, and very much so look forward to feedback, or anything honestly. Lonely phase in my life...  Ill keep this as short as possible.

  I met her in a work setting (5) years ago, she was married, yet we flirted. We became friends and within 2 years of knowing each other, were best friends. Flirting and such, but never crossed the line. I personally was dating, yet always thought how perfect she was to me. We grew into best friends about year 3, and she revealed to me how she had been wearing a mask, and was mentally abused by her husband, wanted out, etc. I cared for her so much that I encouraged her to tell her family and stood by her. Let her know that no one deserved that. I genuinely cared and had good intent. I started to see this hurt, desperate side of her I had never seen. Sad, depressed crying on the phone... such a bubbly person otherwise. Within a few months of knowing this, we started crossing the line with flirting. She would even come over to watch a movie and snuggle, but I admired her strength to not cheat even though she "hated him". About (6) months later, she moved to MN to be around her family for support to leave(supposedly). We were full out having an emotional affair, and sexting by the time she moved. I wrote her a letter stating that I loved her, I couldnt believe how much we connected, and that if she did divorce, I would be excited to pursue things. I am fully aware the emotional cheating was wrong, but I justified it because she made him sound like a monster.

   To sum up the next year and a half after she moved, we grew actually. It was an emotional affair, and we couldnt go more than 2 hours without talking, she would tell me "she loved me so much it hurt", basically VERY intense feelings for 18 months. So intense it made me believe I found the one, soul mates do exist, just everything I wanted in a woman. She would tell me the same, that it was so natural, and so right.

   Those were the highs of the roller coaster, however. She would go from picking out children names with me, to telling me her counselor said she shouldnt date after she divorces, and she wanted a hiatus... .no emotion, just cold. This hiatus would last a few days, a week sometimes, before she would want to break silence and jump right back in. I was on cloud nine again every time(15-20 times this happened) and so I told myself, she is trying to do the right thing. I felt disposable, confused, but again told myself she loves me so much, she is just coming out of a divorce. We were ridiculously close, when in the high moments. Looking back, I think the hiatus' were the push/pull I read about?

   All the while, Im her set of ears when she was despairingly crying, he is mistreating her, "what if its her", etc.

I would console her, assure her no one deserves that, and she would tell me she didnt deserve me all the time. I would have to convince her I loved her all the time, assure her I wouldnt leave her. The previously bubbly girl I knew, was replaced with a sad, needing consoling, version. I again said it was due to the ending relationship, and thought "if I cant handle her at her worst, I dont deserve her at her best.

  Me and her would constantly talk about the house we wanted to build, parenting structure, marriage locations, just... .deep, intense talk for the better part of two years. I felt it was a match made in heaven, aside from the hiatus'.

  Finally, she hands him papers, and moves out. I start flying to see her in MN, and we are finally physical, and its amazing, making love, not just sex. We talk of my transition there, and are marching forward, telling each other we cant wait. She is still in the process of divorce(with boys in the mix) and so the desperate sobbing continues, just such a deep sorrow, hinting at suicide, disassociative even when crying. Side note: Looking back, she would go from so sad, to chipper and confident within a day or two, like nothing happened.

  My last trip there(5 months after her moving out) I was exhausted from the work week, and went to take a nap in the hotel before dinner. I heard her sobbing, and when I looked up, she was on the bathroom floor, sobbing. I went and consoled her, and after a few minutes, she got up and did her make up for dinner. She was fine for dinner, and said my napping reminded her of her ex not caring. I went with it and enjoyed our last night together. The next month after that trip was our last, but was full of love. I left my ring there, and she sent a pic of it around her neck saying " Im not giving it back until you replace it", we talked every day/ said I love you, skyped for hours, loving voicemails, she even went to a bbq and texted she cant wait to be introduced as my wife.

   So, here is our abrupt ending, that has left me in shambles... .About a month after my last visit(nothing wrong), she had her court date. She was awarded 50/50 custody in the meanwhile as the actual date was pushed back. She  was hysterical, everyone lied to her, the court was against her, it wasnt fair, and then proceeded to hint at suicide and hang up. She would say "make sure they know", click. She did this multiple times.  I admit, this is poor timing, but after years of this nonsense, I said youre being cynical, i want off this ride. I know thats terrible timing, but it was so bizarre to me, it was just a temporary hearing. I took a few days space, checked on her through her sister, and even said hi a few days later. Within a week, we were talking, and I said I was glad we were, she said she was too. We flirted and all seemed well. (2) days later, she completely was cold, and said she wanted to be platonic. She said her counselor told her she shouldnt date yet, etc. I noticed that same day she became friends with a guy she met at the bbq (the same bbq she told me she couldnt wait to be introduced as my wife) I asked her, and she said none of my business, that I had broke up with her when I said I wanted off the ride, that we had been bad for the last two months and the hotel was a bad sign to her of how I treated her. I tried being nice for a few days, and then she said she had a wall up against me that she wasnt even looking at. On FB, this guy was at a few events she was all the sudden, and again, none of my business, Im free to date, just cold, no emotion. Everything she said had a very punishing feel to it. I asked her sister, and she said she was known to be dramatic all her life, threatening suicide over bad grades in college. That opened my eyes... .

   I wrote her a few letters clarifying that after years of being there for her, feeling one sided, etc., I was burnt out, but it didnt mean I was giving up on us growing old like we had talked for so long. She never responded. I finally called after a week, and she said she is being cold, because she has (0) sh#*s to give. She said love like ours doesnt exist, and brought up one bad moment from when we first met (5) years ago. I asked her how could she not believe in what we shared for so long, and she said she didnt know what to believe, and that I was only there all those years to get with her. Just such a care free tone to her, shark eyes via phone if you will.

   I know "normal" women can leave abruptly, but this was cloud 9 to no emotions, punishing even. I told her to keep my ring as it had too much sentimental value, she insisted on sending back... just to toy with me?

  Its been two months and mutual friends told me her and the bbq guy are talking lovingly on FB, pics together, etc. Never a word from her.

  My mom is a psych nurse and introduced me to the term Borderline... Ive done so much research and reading, and believe her to be a high functioning, quiet/waif borderline. Its just hard to accept, we were best friends for years, and then so much more than I thought existed. To... .no closure, or empathy?

  Im a wreck still, cant understand it... Did I mess up in my frustrated comment? Was I used? I just want to believe its mental illness and use that as closure. Thank you all

[molitor]

Hi everyone, I want to thank you in advance for reading my post. I have been separated for 2 months now from my BPD ex (I believe). I have found so much strength in reading these posts, and educating myself on this mental illness. I feel in SO MANY aspects, I could insert her name into the descriptions, and yet other descriptions make me question if Im reading into this? I decided to post my story, and very much so look forward to feedback, or anything honestly. Lonely phase in my life...  Ill keep this as short as possible.

  I met her in a work setting (5) years ago, she was married, yet we flirted. We became friends and within 2 years of knowing each other, were best friends. Flirting and such, but never crossed the line. I personally was dating, yet always thought how perfect she was to me. We grew into best friends about year 3, and she revealed to me how she had been wearing a mask, and was mentally abused by her husband, wanted out, etc. I cared for her so much that I encouraged her to tell her family and stood by her. Let her know that no one deserved that. I genuinely cared and had good intent. I started to see this hurt, desperate side of her I had never seen. Sad, depressed crying on the phone... such a bubbly person otherwise. Within a few months of knowing this, we started crossing the line with flirting. She would even come over to watch a movie and snuggle, but I admired her strength to not cheat even though she "hated him". About (6) months later, she moved to MN to be around her family for support to leave(supposedly). We were full out having an emotional affair, and sexting by the time she moved. I wrote her a letter stating that I loved her, I couldnt believe how much we connected, and that if she did divorce, I would be excited to pursue things. I am fully aware the emotional cheating was wrong, but I justified it because she made him sound like a monster.

   To sum up the next year and a half after she moved, we grew actually. It was an emotional affair, and we couldnt go more than 2 hours without talking, she would tell me "she loved me so much it hurt", basically VERY intense feelings for 18 months. So intense it made me believe I found the one, soul mates do exist, just everything I wanted in a woman. She would tell me the same, that it was so natural, and so right.

   Those were the highs of the roller coaster, however. She would go from picking out children names with me, to telling me her counselor said she shouldnt date after she divorces, and she wanted a hiatus... .no emotion, just cold. This hiatus would last a few days, a week sometimes, before she would want to break silence and jump right back in. I was on cloud nine again every time(15-20 times this happened) and so I told myself, she is trying to do the right thing. I felt disposable, confused, but again told myself she loves me so much, she is just coming out of a divorce. We were ridiculously close, when in the high moments. Looking back, I think the hiatus' were the push/pull I read about?

   All the while, Im her set of ears when she was despairingly crying, he is mistreating her, "what if its her", etc.

I would console her, assure her no one deserves that, and she would tell me she didnt deserve me all the time. I would have to convince her I loved her all the time, assure her I wouldnt leave her. The previously bubbly girl I knew, was replaced with a sad, needing consoling, version. I again said it was due to the ending relationship, and thought "if I cant handle her at her worst, I dont deserve her at her best.

  Me and her would constantly talk about the house we wanted to build, parenting structure, marriage locations, just... .deep, intense talk for the better part of two years. I felt it was a match made in heaven, aside from the hiatus'.

  Finally, she hands him papers, and moves out. I start flying to see her in MN, and we are finally physical, and its amazing, making love, not just sex. We talk of my transition there, and are marching forward, telling each other we cant wait. She is still in the process of divorce(with boys in the mix) and so the desperate sobbing continues, just such a deep sorrow, hinting at suicide, disassociative even when crying. Side note: Looking back, she would go from so sad, to chipper and confident within a day or two, like nothing happened.

  My last trip there(5 months after her moving out) I was exhausted from the work week, and went to take a nap in the hotel before dinner. I heard her sobbing, and when I looked up, she was on the bathroom floor, sobbing. I went and consoled her, and after a few minutes, she got up and did her make up for dinner. She was fine for dinner, and said my napping reminded her of her ex not caring. I went with it and enjoyed our last night together. The next month after that trip was our last, but was full of love. I left my ring there, and she sent a pic of it around her neck saying " Im not giving it back until you replace it", we talked every day/ said I love you, skyped for hours, loving voicemails, she even went to a bbq and texted she cant wait to be introduced as my wife.

   So, here is our abrupt ending, that has left me in shambles... .About a month after my last visit(nothing wrong), she had her court date. She was awarded 50/50 custody in the meanwhile as the actual date was pushed back. She  was hysterical, everyone lied to her, the court was against her, it wasnt fair, and then proceeded to hint at suicide and hang up. She would say "make sure they know", click. She did this multiple times.  I admit, this is poor timing, but after years of this nonsense, I said youre being cynical, i want off this ride. I know thats terrible timing, but it was so bizarre to me, it was just a temporary hearing. I took a few days space, checked on her through her sister, and even said hi a few days later. Within a week, we were talking, and I said I was glad we were, she said she was too. We flirted and all seemed well. (2) days later, she completely was cold, and said she wanted to be platonic. She said her counselor told her she shouldnt date yet, etc. I noticed that same day she became friends with a guy she met at the bbq (the same bbq she told me she couldnt wait to be introduced as my wife) I asked her, and she said none of my business, that I had broke up with her when I said I wanted off the ride, that we had been bad for the last two months and the hotel was a bad sign to her of how I treated her. I tried being nice for a few days, and then she said she had a wall up against me that she wasnt even looking at. On FB, this guy was at a few events she was all the sudden, and again, none of my business, Im free to date, just cold, no emotion. Everything she said had a very punishing feel to it. I asked her sister, and she said she was known to be dramatic all her life, threatening suicide over bad grades in college. That opened my eyes... .

   I wrote her a few letters clarifying that after years of being there for her, feeling one sided, etc., I was burnt out, but it didnt mean I was giving up on us growing old like we had talked for so long. She never responded. I finally called after a week, and she said she is being cold, because she has (0) sh#*s to give. She said love like ours doesnt exist, and brought up one bad moment from when we first met (5) years ago. I asked her how could she not believe in what we shared for so long, and she said she didnt know what to believe, and that I was only there all those years to get with her. Just such a care free tone to her, shark eyes via phone if you will.

   I know "normal" women can leave abruptly, but this was cloud 9 to no emotions, punishing even. I told her to keep my ring as it had too much sentimental value, she insisted on sending back... just to toy with me?

  Its been two months and mutual friends told me her and the bbq guy are talking lovingly on FB, pics together, etc. Never a word from her.

  My mom is a psych nurse and introduced me to the term Borderline... Ive done so much research and reading, and believe her to be a high functioning, quiet/waif borderline. Its just hard to accept, we were best friends for years, and then so much more than I thought existed. To... .no closure, or empathy?

  Im a wreck still, cant understand it... Did I mess up in my frustrated comment? Was I used? I just want to believe its mental illness and use that as closure. Thank you all

[thatwasthat]

Hi! 

Sorry for the short reply, as I am on mobile!

No, what you experienced is far from "normal". There are many similarities with my failed relationship. I had the same thoughts as you have... .Was it me? Did a certain moment/sentence I said mess up the relationship?

No, you saying what you said didn't make a difference in the big picture. Look at it this way:

Do you think a "normal" woman would have ended a relationshi because of what basically was a single sentence (and nothing insulting or threatening etc)?

[SummerStorm]

I've asked myself, "Was it me?  Was I really as bad as she said I was?"  Even now, I still ask myself that at least once every day.  I go through every moment and think, "If I had done X instead, could Y have been avoided?"  The answer is simple.  No.  Eventually, it was going to fall apart.  Could I have maybe delayed it?  Sure.  If I hadn't sent her any texts on the day she went NC, I wouldn't have been cut off that day because there wouldn't have been anything for her to rage about.  Instead, I would have been cut off the next day, the next week, or the next month. 

To show you how common your story is and to maybe help give you some closure, I'll pick out a few parts of your story and compare it to mine.

We were full out having an emotional affair, and sexting by the time she moved. I wrote her a letter stating that I loved her, I couldnt believe how much we connected, and that if she did divorce, I would be excited to pursue things.

I started having an emotional affair with my former friend BPD about two months after we became friends and she started dating her boyfriend.  She came over to my house, we cuddled in my bed.  A week later, we started sexting.  She got upset one day, told me she is a "waste" and tried to tell me to run away from her.  The next day, I sent her a long e-mail, telling her how much I care about her and about how, if I could go back in time, I would go back to the night we cuddled and kiss her.

It was an emotional affair, and we couldnt go more than 2 hours without talking, she would tell me "she loved me so much it hurt", basically VERY intense feelings for 18 months. So intense it made me believe I found the one, soul mates do exist, just everything I wanted in a woman. She would tell me the same, that it was so natural, and so right.

It got to a point where we went from texting each other for several hours after work, to talking for a few hours after work and then texting each other for several hours, to texting each other during work, talking after work, and then texting each other after work.  One night, we texted each other for six hours straight.  She told me, "I have been waiting all my life for someone like you."  Another time, she texted me to tell me I'm "perfect."  Eventually, we started an actual affair. 

Those were the highs of the roller coaster, however. She would go from picking out children names with me, to telling me her counselor said she shouldnt date after she divorces, and she wanted a hiatus... .no emotion, just cold. This hiatus would last a few days, a week sometimes, before she would want to break silence and jump right back in.

Mine would spend a week telling me she wanted to be with me and that she was going to leave her boyfriend.  Then, she would randomly decide that she wanted to stay with her boyfriend instead, and she would act like nothing had happened between us.  In fact, she would get annoyed when I said I was upset.  I've never met anyone who can turn off his/her emotions like a pwBPD can. 

All the while, Im her set of ears when she was despairingly crying, he is mistreating her

Mine went from making statements about how her boyfriend was selfish to telling me one night that he had hit her.  She even sent me a picture of her bloody lip.  Knowing what I know now, there is no way he hit her.

Me and her would constantly talk about the house we wanted to build, parenting structure, marriage locations

Mine sent me articles about marriage, said she pictured me proposing to her, said she pictured me pregnant, said she wanted to live with me, and even went to see a house with me.

We flirted and all seemed well. (2) days later, she completely was cold, and said she wanted to be platonic.

Two days after looking at a house with me, she raged at me, told me I was being annoying and clingy, and started ignoring my texts. 

Its been two months and mutual friends told me her and the bbq guy are talking lovingly on FB, pics together, etc. Never a word from her.

It's been nearly a month since she raged on me and completely cut me out of her life.  When she did it, she was in the middle of love-bombing her boyfriend.  She eventually started raging on him again, but in the past week or so, she's gone back to love-bombing him.  A few days ago, he posted a message about how she is wife material, and they are apparently getting ready to move out of his cousin's house and get their own apartment.  I've heard nothing from her.  She even made her Twitter private, even though she never tweets.   

[rotiroti]

jmiller that sounds absolutely terrible! being left without closure is a horrible experience. Have you gone through the DSM criteria for BPD? What made you suspect it besides the push and pull?

I ask because I was in amidst a similar situation where I was the rebound from a divorce. It was a terrible experience and played out very similarly to yours. Was my partner BPD? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters, this kind of behavior is unacceptable in any situation!

Do you hope to get back with her? Get closure?

Either way I wouldn't check up on the BBQ guy, will only fill your thoughts with paranoia and jealousy

[molitor]

Im still very new here, and unsure how to reply individually... but thank you for the replies! It helps so much to hae support and input.

Rotiroti: I did go through the DSM criteria, with a counselor actually (yes, I had to see a counselor over this) she hit 7 of the 9 qualifying criteria. I blocked her on FB, and hate hearing about her from mutual friends. I could never allow her back into my life, the trust is broken, and I cant understand how cold she was, punishing.

Thatwasthat: short response, but so much on point! I have moments where I think that also, and its good to hear it elsewhere. Thank you

Summerstorm: I really enjoyed reading yours as it is so similar to mine. PM me if you care to share stories further!

I read from some that she will contact me eventually, and that she may not. Part of me wants to practice NC, but I also have SO MUCH I want to say... I just dont know that she will even care. Just so odd that someone so close, for so long, thinks nothing of me now, and over something so insignificant... .

[rotiroti]

Rotiroti: I did go through the DSM criteria, with a counselor actually (yes, I had to see a counselor over this) she hit 7 of the 9 qualifying criteria. I blocked her on FB, and hate hearing about her from mutual friends. I could never allow her back into my life, the trust is broken, and I cant understand how cold she was, punishing.

I agree, BPD or not, trust breaking is a deal-breaker!

[wilting_rose]

Yes, all normal behaviour for psychos... .

My exBPDbf has cut off all contact with me and blames me for breaking up with him... .which I did to protect myself from being ignored for days on end for no particular reason... .this coming out of nowhere... .and after almost a year of constant texting, calling, being together to nothing.  I supported him through therapy after his suicide attempt, through a difficult divorce, and basically was there for him because I loved him more than life... .

But I've realised, despite all the pain I'm going through now, life is too short to stay with someone who clearly doesn't love you, takes no blame for the demise of the relationship and can change from "I love you more than anything - you're my soul mate" to total and absolute silence.

No one deserves that... .I came across something the other day which hit home:  "That's the lesson of life, isn't it?  It gives us one person who both, shows us that true love exists and that fairy tales don't."  In the case of people with mental disorders - this is patently true... .  You may love them, but it's not enough... .

Stay strong... .

[sas1729]

It was not you and this is not normal. As someone said - you mentioned one thing in a sentence. The standards of perfection that are needed to keep a BPD person was cycling through to hatred are impossible to attain. Let alone that you are always trying to hit a moving target. What was "perfect" one day changes the next.

What you said did not matter in the grand scheme either. This is an emotionally traumatic experience and you were brave to face it.