odd statement

[Eco]

recently my ex told me something while in one of her rages about giving me my visitation with my daughter. She asked me if I ever heard the phrase " honey will get you a lot more then vinegar "

I refuse to play her game where im the peasant asking the queen for a favor. the other 2 dads kiss my exs butt and they get better treatment for it but I refuse to do that and instead I remind my ex of the court order, she cant stand that.

Am I being to bullheaded with my ex? Right after I took my ex to court I tried being nice and it never seemed to do any good so I became more like a robot when dealing with her.

I think that my ex is frustrated because none of her games are working with me anymore and this is a way to try and regain control.

thoughts?

[david]

My ex was married before. When she ran away I received a call from her ex mother in law. She warned me to go to court and fight ex if I wanted to see our kids. She told me how ex would change things last minute on her first husband and constantly restrict access to their kids. I quickly realized ex was using the same playbook with me.

I think I was the first person to make a boundary and stick to it with her. It took her several years to realize I was sticking to my boundaries. During that time she would rage, through email, toward me. I ignored. I believe things have gotten better because of that. She understands I will not play her games anymore. I follow the court order and keep it strictly business. Also, I believe, since I would not give her her fix (her perceived power and control) she went to her "friends" for it. That didn't go well for her. From the bits and pieces I hear about she has alienated herself from most of them because of her behaviors. She has sent me a few emails basically telling me some of the things that have "happened to her". Since it has nothing to do with our boys I do not respond.

Lately it appears a lot of the fight is out of her. I think it is because when she used to act like that I would respond trying to explain myself. Nothing positive ever came out of it and I realized I needed to change the dynamics. I stopped reasoning and stated facts. She would attack. I would repeat the facts. This was all through email. Eventually she realized I wasn't reacting the way she expected and her rages became less and less. That took about three years. I believe she wants emotions thrown back at her the way she throws them out.

[bravhart1]

BPDs seem to have only one mode of operation, try to use threats and bad  temper to make others comply with their demands and wishes. I don't believe you will regret holding the line with her, it seems harder in the short term, but in the long run I think it makes it easier to live with them and yourself.

[livednlearned]

There is a link to an article on the site about how to communicate with a narcissist (can't seem to find it at the moment). I had some success using those techniques with my ex, and it was worth having the skills in my back pocket.

That doesn't mean that the skills worked all the time, they worked enough though. We often confuse "being nice" with rolling over. It isn't like that, exactly, at least in my experience. Some of it is how we phrase things, and understanding what validation is. The rest is understanding our own dynamic. There were times I was furious at N/BPDx, and then realized, after the heat was dialed down, that I went into the arena looking for and expecting a fight. It takes a lot of centering to go into a conversation with someone who is narcissistic and not let yourself get triggered.

The better I got with my boundaries, the easier it was to use the communication skills. I started to understand what the moves were, and could anticipate them.

I also think it's good to practice boundaries until you feel like its second nature. With my ex (who was dangerous), the boundaries had to come first. Some people here have success with SET and EAR statements, but it seems to depend a lot on the severity of the BPD.

[Eco]

There were times I was furious at N/BPDx, and then realized, after the heat was dialed down, that I went into the arena looking for and expecting a fight. It takes a lot of centering to go into a conversation with someone who is narcissistic and not let yourself get triggered.

That's a problem for me as well, I find it helps to deal with my ex with text or email because I can take a few minutes or hours sometimes to calm down and respond instead of react.

I also think it's good to practice boundaries until you feel like its second nature. With my ex (who was dangerous), the boundaries had to come first. Some people here have success with SET and EAR statements, but it seems to depend a lot on the severity of the BPD.

Boundaries are a must with my ex, my ex is disreagulated 75% of the time and SET only works when she isn't in a disreagulated state

[scraps66]

May have to resign yourself to the fact that there may be no way for you to communicate with her that does not create a trigger for her.  In my case my mere existence is a trigger for my ex and anything that I say, suggest, or do is open for criticism or blocking.

For your own good, it is well worth the effort of becoming disciplined with picking your battles.  This is one, the act nice to me or else, that can just be ignored. 

[bravhart1]

One thing we do here ECO when trying to evaluate if we are adding to or taking away from the drama is to self check with this question:

If I was at work, and my co worker said this to me, would it be appropriate? How would I respond?

So by that logic, if your co worker came up to you and said " be extra accommodating to me at work and I won't make your life miserable here". Would you accept that as appropriate?

Ya, probably not, and how would you respond? ( other than laughing) is to just say ok and walk away thinking they are crazy. And perhaps, bringing the odd comment up to your boss? ( attorney, co parent coordinator)

It works for us 90% of the time. And can be used in the moment, which is nice since we rarely get a heads up on the irrational behaviour.

[Eco]

In my case my mere existence is a trigger for my ex and anything that I say, suggest, or do is open for criticism or blocking.

My ex is the same way

For your own good, it is well worth the effort of becoming disciplined with picking your battles.  This is one, the act nice to me or else, that can just be ignored

Its definitely good to do that, hard to follow though at times

It works for us 90% of the time. And can be used in the moment, which is nice since we rarely get a heads up on the irrational behaviour.

good advice, about 98% of what my ex says to me is inappropriate by that logic.