OK... found the right thread.

[CarlEToast]

Well, after 7 years of "H, E, double-hockey-sticks", I am giving up.  she is nasty, clever, and just downright mean.  She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I am very confident she is one.  The tools I learned (from "I hate you don't leave me" worked like a charm for a while.  Our kid had been showing manic behavior, and had been hospitalized twice recently.  This made her go full tilt, and we agreed to separate for two weeks.

I was over at the house several times to do the checkbook and bills, and I discovered (by means I will not convey here   ) these things about her:

1)  She had already put price tags on all of my stuff, and was planning to "destroy" me.

2)  She is excruciatingly mean to our 6 year old.  I do not have proof.

3)  She was planning on hooking up with some dude.

based on number 3 above, I will divorce her automatically.  I have already started proceedings.

Another thing that occurred was something that my kid said to me while I was over there.  I was up stairs doing bills, and he comes up to visit me.  I tell him not to argue with his mother, because she gets angry.  He says: "Yea.  She will hold me in time out and squeeze me and hurt me".  My jaw dropped onto the floor.  We have been a no-spank family from the beginning, and promised never to hurt A.  Now I hear she is crushing him till it hurts?

Anyway, what he said is here-say of course, but I have decided to fight for custody.  I am terrified, because I know how clever she is, and she has a network of enablers that will give her technical assistance on all of this.  But I have gone back and I am staying in the house until the end.  Please wish me luck.

[Turkish]

Journal that incident... .everything, in fact. Dates, times, facts. Keep it somewhere secure. You might want to look for an anonymous CPS help line in your area to describe that incident. I say anonymous, because getting CPS involved initially might make things worse. I think it's good to show due diligence that you are in the mode of protecting your child, though. Poor little guy! At least he's honest enough and trusting of you to tell you that.

[livednlearned]

Hi CarlEToast,

Welcome to the Family Law board, and sorry it has come to this. If it is any consolation, I divorced a n/BPD ex husband who is also a former trial attorney. With the help of a good lawyer, a lot of research, and friends here, I ended up with sole custody in a state where it is hard to do that.

Like Turkish recommended, start documenting. Plan, plan and plan before you serve the papers. Read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse. Read it twice. We also have a lot of lessons at the top of the Family Law board that may be useful, like how to tell if you have a good attorney (you need someone assertive, not passive, and not aggressive).

There are two battles that we go through. One is the legal battle. The other is the battle for the hearts and minds of our kids -- even if your wife has only BPD traits and is not clinically BPD, there is a very good chance she will engage in parental alienation. Even if your kids are bonded to you, PA can be a type of abuse no child should endure, and fortunately there are tools and skills on the Coparenting board that can help you raise emotionally resilient kids, even when one parent has BPD. Lesson 5 and Lesson 6 are particularly relevant.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and glad you found the board. This place changed my life.

LnL

[ugghh]

Sorry for the pain you have been through.  Based on the experience of most of us here, it will likely get worse before it gets better.  If you are committed to go through with the divorce, you need to realize that this will most likely fire off triggers in her that will make whatever you have been through seem like a walk in the park.

You are about to embark on essentially a second full time job to protect both yourself and your child from someone who may been bent on destroying you.  Come to this board and share, you will be amazed at how often someone here has already experienced what you are going through.  pwBPD tend to follow a very familiar script.  As LivedNLearned said, avail yourself of the Lessons stickied at the top of of the board - with the help of this community I never felt caught off guard as I went through my divorce.

Since you stated you are committed to going back and living in the house I will also re-post a list that I have compiled from my experience as well as that of members of this board and another forum I frequent.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order,false child abuse accusations & Parental Alienation.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

[Stylianos]

Hi Carl,

I am living it right now... .im talking "danger close" living it.

Like you i cannot allow such a harmful entity to have such access to my kids.

Sadly, there is a good chance that if we didnt have kids i would have kept going (codependent fixer/pleaser/white hatter).

But now that the kids are dealing with this mess - i had to stop the chain of BPD. 

This site has changed my life as well - we are not alone, and i am not the same person i used to be (in a good way).

Stay in the fight but be prepared -- everytime i think i have my spouse ranged out to what she can/will do she goes beyond.

Good luck!

S

[Thunderstruck]

I want to echo some of what was said above.

Protect yourself. Have an audio or video recorder with you. I almost guarantee you will get falsely accused of abuse at one point or another. It's a way for the female BPDs to gain the upper hand (they can have you kicked out of the marital home and by default get majority custody with one claim).

Document document document.

Change ALL of your passwords. Take caution if you are using a shared computer. Lock your cell phone and don't leave it where she can get to it. I've read a tip before that someone created an email account and would forward their emails there too as a backup. My DH's uBPDx had a keylogger installed on their computer when he was still living with her. I think she put a GPS tracker on his old phone too.

Don't keep anything important (passports, IDs, vehicle titles, etc) in the house.

[maxen]

hi CarlE.

Another thing that occurred was something that my kid said to me while I was over there.  I was up stairs doing bills, and he comes up to visit me.  I tell him not to argue with his mother, because she gets angry.  He says: "Yea.  She will hold me in time out and squeeze me and hurt me".  My jaw dropped onto the floor.  We have been a no-spank family from the beginning, and promised never to hurt A.  Now I hear she is crushing him till it hurts?

Anyway, what he said is here-say of course,

actually it isn't. if you stated in a court that your son said that, it would be hearsay. if your son stated it, it would be evidence.

please take into account everything said above (it's alot, but do). especially (i'm speaking here out of my own experience with no children, others might emphasize different things):

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

... .

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.  

... .

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live.

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

keep posting CarlE!