BPD sister. Do the rages and abuse ever stop?

[saythereshope]

Hi there.

I have a sister with BPD. She was recently diagnosed and when she was, I finally understood so much about her. She would be a wonderful person until something set her off and then she would send the most vile, horrific messages to everyone she knew. She would say things that would be relationship-ending for any other person and then just pretend like it never happened or explain away her actions by saying she had no choice because she was upset at someone.

Understanding her diagnosis is BPD and starting to read the literature, I now am able to no longer take her attacks as personally as I once did. I understand now that she is trying to communicate the extent of her intense pain as opposed to trying to injure.

But it is still very difficult. She is very intuitive and understands people's deepest hurts and pain points and will go straight there. She lashes out in the most inhumane ways possible and then I'm just supposed to forgive it? She will apologize for her attacks, but she will not own up to the hurt she's caused and claims she's justified in them.

She's in treatment and I keep waiting for things to get better, but right now they are getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can support her. But I know that if I turn my back on her, it will fuel her abandonment issues further. She's suicidal and in danger of losing her job right now. Her life is falling apart and I feel an obligation to try to hold on as long as I can to support her while she's healing.

I think I just need someone to tell me that there's a chance she'll get better and that the rages will stop and that we can all find some peace. Is that actually possible? Can she get better? Or is this abuse the new normal?

Please help.

[Suzn]

Hello saythereishope 

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your sister. Rages and abusive behaviors are hard for anyone to handle. Her being suicidal is scary and painful to witness. I wanted to address this first.

This will be helpful, please take a moment to read the entire thread.

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

There is hope and hearing she is in therapy is promising. What type of therapy? What brought on her decision to get help?

She's in treatment and I keep waiting for things to get better, but right now they are getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can support her. But I know that if I turn my back on her, it will fuel her abandonment issues further.

Being supportive in the midst of things getting worse is very difficult, I'm glad you found us. It is true that a person with BPD stands a much better chance of recovery with the support of family. That said, keeping our boundaries and working on communication skills that will help "not make things worse" are equally important.

Here are a few links to some of these skills to get you started.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

What does your daily relationship with your sister look like? How are you coping with these changes? Have you considered a therapist with what you've been up against?

Looking forward to hearing more of your story. 

[saythereshope]

Thanks very much for your kind response.

There is hope and hearing she is in therapy is promising. What type of therapy? What brought on her decision to get help?

She is in DBT therapy 3x/week now. Her condition started bleeding into work for the first time (it's been isolated to the way she treats loved ones thus far) and when faced with the potential loss of her job, she finally realized she needed to be in treatment. I believe there was a suicide attempt in there as well. Another family member has been instrumental with getting her into treatment so I don't know every detail.

What does your daily relationship with your sister look like?

Our relationship is long-distance so it is mostly conducted by phone. Right now, she'll call me maybe 3x/week and just talk at me for an hour, blaming everybody else in her life for the problems she's created. I mostly listen and try to validate her feelings while pointing out when she makes a blatantly incorrect or paranoid statement (like so-and-so never loved me and has always been out to get me).

Every once in a while, she'll be triggered by something. Usually something to do with another family member with whom she had a co-dependent relationship for a long time who has since cut her out of her life. And then she'll rage. And that rage gets directed at me and every one else she cares about. For the most part, I try to ignore the rages, but these days her suicide attempts often come with the rage, so I feel as if I can't withdraw completely. I often tell her that I understand that she is hurt but that I don't approve of the way she expresses hurt by trying to hurt others.

How are you coping with these changes?

In some ways I am coping better since I learned about BPD and read Walking on Eggshells. I am able to depersonalize her threats and rages. However, the escalation of her condition is worrisome and I have real fear about her future. Even though I feel as if I can bear it, I developed an ulcer last month. And I don't think that was a coincidence. My body is clearly feeling the strain.

Have you considered a therapist with what you've been up against?

Would this theoretically be of value? I have thought about it. The fact of the matter is that I am fairly strong psychologically speaking, but having a professional to offer advice about how to interact with my sister in certain situations would certainly be useful. Is this the kind of thing you would recommend using a therapist for?

Thanks for all of the resource pointers. I will review them and I appreciate your help.

[Suzn]

Good to hear she is in DBT therapy and you have read Walking on Eggshells. Another excellent resource is Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning.

She would say things that would be relationship-ending for any other person and then just pretend like it never happened or explain away her actions by saying she had no choice because she was upset at someone.

PwBPD (people with BPD) are emotionally stunted around the age of 4 yrs old from everything I've read. Picture a child who is upset with their parent for taking away a toy, throws a temper tantrum and then a half an hour later is all hugs and kisses with their parent.

Our relationship is long-distance so it is mostly conducted by phone. And that rage gets directed at me

Do you have boundaries around rages directed at you? If so what are the consequences if rages are directed at you?

I often tell her that I understand that she is hurt but that I don't approve of the way she expresses hurt by trying to hurt others.

Does she seek your approval? Are you an older sibling? Do you act on situations she shares about other family members for her?

having a professional to offer advice about how to interact with my sister in certain situations would certainly be useful. Is this the kind of thing you would recommend using a therapist for?

Absolutely however more so with what you've written below.

Even though I feel as if I can bear it, I developed an ulcer last month. And I don't think that was a coincidence. My body is clearly feeling the strain.

Have you considered a therapist with what you've been up against?

Would this theoretically be of value?

What do you think has caused this ulcer? Anger, fear, sadness, anxiety? How are you coping with this? Taking care of ourselves is equally important. We can't help others if we can't help ourselves first. This is where a therapist can be invaluable.