how did you cope

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My upd sister has recently stated that she wants nothing to do with me.  This after a series of rages and accusations that I'm trying to break her family apart.

Although she's always had issues, we've always been very close and shared our lives together without many problems.  It's true that I've been the one doing most of the giving and I feel violated and used in a way that I cannot explain.

She's refusing to talk things out like an adult.  And she is telling my nieces and nephew to have nothing to do with me (except when she wants them to, of course). 

She's my only sister and I can't imagine that I won't have her in my life as we grow older.

Need some thoughts and words of encouragement on how to live an otherwise full life without this part of my family.

[bunnie]

My upd sister has recently stated that she wants nothing to do with me.  This after a series of rages and accusations that I'm trying to break her family apart.

Although she's always had issues, we've always been very close and shared our lives together without many problems.  It's true that I've been the one doing most of the giving and I feel violated and used in a way that I cannot explain.

She's refusing to talk things out like an adult.  And she is telling my nieces and nephew to have nothing to do with me (except when she wants them to, of course). 

She's my only sister and I can't imagine that I won't have her in my life as we grow older.

Need some thoughts and words of encouragement on how to live an otherwise full life without this part of my family.

[Leaving]

Hi Bunnie,

Do you suppose that something in your sister's family or personal life triggered her attacks on you?  Maybe she's having marital problems?  Maybe difficulty in her job? 

I had a friend who turned on her sister once she got married and she accused her sister of trying to seduce her husband.  It was a horrible situation that resulted in them not talking to each other.  I think it's been almost 20 years now.  We always knew that my friend was 'odd'  but we just had no clue that she was as mentally disturbed as she is.  During college she really went off the deep end, dropped out, lived in squalor - obsessed with living in filth.   Today we all acknowledge that she is probably bipolar or borderline but we're not sure.

It's never easy to lose a family or family member.   It's just a matter of getting used to it like a missing tooth inside our mouth.  Most days we manage to get through and continue to build our life but every so often that empty hole becomes obvious. 

If she has BPD, it's possible that you mean a whole lot to her and why she has turned on you as she has.  From my experience with a BPD mother, grandmother and husband, the more we mean to them, the quicker and easier they turn on us.  This is that push-pull dynamic.  I never could do anything nice or thoughtful without them feeling threatened and turning on me and pushing me away.  It's such a strange freaking way to live.  I can't stand it!

[bunnie]

Leaving,

She was having marital and financial problems just before she turned on me.  I've always been there for her through everything, however.  

She's accusing me of trying to take her children.  She's saying that I don't like her... .and they are saying the kids don't like me anymore?  these weird accusations go on and on.

But the thing is this, she won't even talk to me going on 5 months now.  I tried to wait it out and try intermittently.  But just two days ago she sent an email and said that she would call me when she wants to talk.  

It really feels like that will never happen at this point.

My heart is just broken.  :'(

And it's not just one family member, it's several because she won't let me be with my nieces and nephew either.

[Leaving]

Leaving,

She was having marital and financial problems just before she turned on me.  I've always been there for her through everything, however.  

She's accusing me of trying to take her children.  She's saying that I don't like her... .and they are saying the kids don't like me anymore?  these weird accusations go on and on.

But the thing is this, she won't even talk to me going on 5 months now.  I tried to wait it out and try intermittently.  But just two days ago she sent an email and said that she would call me when she wants to talk.  

It really feels like that will never happen at this point.

My heart is just broken.  :'(

And it's not just one family member, it's several because she won't let me be with my nieces and nephew either.

Could it be possible that she's pushing you away because of her marital and financial problems?  What I mean is that she may feel so afraid and ashamed that she doesn't want you to see her like this so she pushes you away.  The other thing is that she may also be shunning you from her children for the same reasons- shame in not being a good parent/provider.     I'm just speculating of course but it wouldn't hurt if you sent her a letter or email expressing your UNCONDITIONAL love and support and that you just want to let her know that no matter what she is dealing with ,  you will always love her and support her through anything.  Also let her know that you understand if she needs time alone to sort through things but that she can call you anytime day or night and that you will be there for her and her children.   

Remember, whatever her reasons, it's not about you- it's about her and her issues at the moment.

[WhippingGirl]

Bunnie,

I could have written this post.  About a year ago my own uBPD brother decided that I was "dead to him."  Like you, we had always been so close, but looking back I realize that I was always the "giver" and he was the "taker."  I was there for him financially and emotionally and then one day he hated me.  He has yet to disclose his reasons for hating me, though he has verbally attacked me on several occasions where we were more-or-less forced to be in the same place.  Most recently he attacked me twice at a family wedding in front of family members where he screamed grotesque things at me and threatened to kill me and destroy my family.  (It hasn't helped that our parents refuse to admit that he is sick... .but that is another story as I am beginning to learn that our mother is likely an uBPD as well... .)

I have asked myself, "What is the benefit of having this person in my life who has such anger towards me?"  The answer is: NONE.  I think I had concocted an image in my head of who I wanted my brother to be only to now realize that he never was that person, so in essence I am mourning the loss of my own perception of him.   I deserve love and relationships that reciprocate and, looking back, I see so much more clearly that he never did reciprocate at all.  My emotions were never a concern and our conversations had almost exclusively been about him.  I find myself wondering if perhaps he now hates me because my priorities shifted a bit when my child was born and I was no longer available to be his personal bank or therapist at a moments notice?  I think I may be on to something... .

I would ask yourself if something shifted in your relationship that perhaps you didn't see so clearly?  Maybe when your sister was going through her martial and financial problems she had expected you to pick up the pieces for her? Maybe it is easier for her to blame you instead of accepting the blame herself.  My guess is that she is using her children as a pawn to hurt you by keeping you from them in an effort to hurt you as much is she is hurting herself right now.  Sadly, you may never really know the trigger as often the thought processes of the BPD are so skewed that rational people can not fully understand - at least that has been my ongoing experience.

[bunnie]

Thanks Leaving,

I actually sent her a bday gift about two weeks ago and told her that I'd never close the door on her or my family. I do think that her anger problems are largely due to her current situation.  But I don't understand her hatred and anger towards me and I don't understand why she's cut me out of her life.  

WhippingGirl,

One of my brothers recently told me that my sister never loved me the way I thought she did.  Otherwise, how could she do this to me?  I can't think of anything that is different lately, but I will try to determine what it could be.  When she was having marital problems I was there for her as always.  Then she decided to stay (which I was fine with) and she and BIL started being very hateful towards me.  Oh well, thank you for understanding.

I have to get to where I know I deserve better.  This is very hard.