ok this hurts, feeling used

[anonymous1234]

My ex has cheated on me with one of my former best friends. During our r/s (1.5years) she was still on a dating site with an inactive profile which would be deleted after 3 months of inactivity. She also didn't want to be friends on Facebook because of her ex that would know who I would be and would bother us if he knew.

She is now 4+ months with my replacement and guess what, the profile is gone on the dating site and she added him on Facebook. This means she was still active on the dating site during our r/s. What I can make out of that Facebook stuff I don't know, but I'm feeling used tbh.

I did a lot for her, helped her with her divorce, selling the house, medical problems and the whole 9 yards. Did it all mean nothing and was my role that of the quick fix and distraction? Is this r/s for real then? Don't know what to make of it, but this hurts a lot. Although I find it difficult to believe that it's going to work out, her previous r/s's were also unstable.

I'm trying to let go, picking up the pieces and to move on but at times it's still. This stuff makes you wonder what it was all worth. Probably nothing. I gave my best to a black hole. She sucked it all up and discarded me in a terrible way.

[fromheeltoheal]

I did a lot for her, helped her with her divorce, selling the house, medical problems and the whole 9 yards. Did it all mean nothing and was my role that of the quick fix and distraction? Is this r/s for real then? Don't know what to make of it, but this hurts a lot. Although I find it difficult to believe that it's going to work out, her previous r/s's were also unstable

It's common around here to think that anon; could I have done better?  Did the relationship fail because of me?  Is the replacement "better" than me?  While those questions are natural and normal, the potential answers don't make us feel too great, but we can change that.

First, think about the first 4 months of your relationship with her; what were they like?  As we know, a relationship with a borderline goes through stages, idealization first, and how was it for you in the beginning?

Next, was it real for you in the beginning, or were you a rebound or distraction?  Borderlines exhibit "unstable affect", meaning their mode changes, sometimes very rapidly, but when it's real, you the knight in shining armor, the relationship a perfect fantasy, when that's real, it's real, until it isn't.  So was it real?  Just go with your intuition.

And the relationship was worth what you say it was.  You probably agree it was a mix of good and bad, that part of your life, that experience, and then whatever introspection and growth you go through now, motivated by the pain, will benefit you as you create your future, so those things considered, did it add value to your life, some of which you haven't fully realized yet?

[maddy786]

I felt the same way, my xBPDgf sucked me financially to the tune of $70,000 in the name of cancer treatment. In 3 yrs of r/s she was cheating on me with all of her "male friends". She blocked me on Fb stating some weird reasons. when i confronted with her cancer treatment lie, she just cut me off and went to her replacement with no empathy. She maintains a cupboard of "Exes" to reach them out on a rainy day. I know ho wit feels but dude its not worth it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi anonymous1234,

Finding out that kind of news would really hurt me, too. I'm sorry you feel used and discarded.  That is so painful.    I can understand your questioning if it was worth it.

I think at first, when we are grieving, it certainly does feel like it wasn't worth the time and effort that we put into the relationship. After some time, however, when we feel detached, there are gifts that we can reap from this pain, because we will have learned a ton about ourselves (hopefully) and about others in our lives, too. Understanding that people with BPD behave in hurtful ways as a survival mechanism (yes, it can feel like their literal survival is at stake) can help, too.

But everything in its time. Focus on you and let yourself feel what you feel now. You have every right to your feelings about this; they make sense given what you've been through. Give yourself lots of compassion. With time and recovery, things will get better.

heartandwhole

[Confused108]

I am so sorry you had to go thru this. It's extremely painful I know first hand. My ex came back after 26 years. Stalked me on Facebook ( I belive) 1st. We have childhood  mutual friends at that time. Went after me in a sneaky shuttle way for 2 1/2 years until I let my guard down and she sucked me in with I still Love you! Then for 2 months I was on the hellish  rollercoaster of my life! Push/ Pull, Rages, Jealousy, Pathological Lies ... .etc. Then finally discarded whom I belive she went back to an ex boyfriend.  Remember it's nothing you did. These sick people need help for an illness they don't know or belive they have. So without therapy their cycle of unstable relationships will continue and continue. What our exs did to us they will do to the next guy or girl after us. Be kind to yourself. Remember ... .it's. not you... .she is just mentally ill.

[amsheehy]

My ex has cheated on me with one of my former best friends. During our r/s (1.5years) she was still on a dating site with an inactive profile which would be deleted after 3 months of inactivity. She also didn't want to be friends on Facebook because of her ex that would know who I would be and would bother us if he knew.

She is now 4+ months with my replacement and guess what, the profile is gone on the dating site and she added him on Facebook. This means she was still active on the dating site during our r/s. What I can make out of that Facebook stuff I don't know, but I'm feeling used tbh.

I did a lot for her, helped her with her divorce, selling the house, medical problems and the whole 9 yards. Did it all mean nothing and was my role that of the quick fix and distraction? Is this r/s for real then? Don't know what to make of it, but this hurts a lot. Although I find it difficult to believe that it's going to work out, her previous r/s's were also unstable.

I'm trying to let go, picking up the pieces and to move on but at times it's still. This stuff makes you wonder what it was all worth. Probably nothing. I gave my best to a black hole. She sucked it all up and discarded me in a terrible way.

I'm so sorry you feel this way and like others have said, I know exactly what you're going through.

I did the exact same things as you - helped her through separation, divorce, moving, etc and devoted so much of my time, energy and resources.  Thought things were maybe actually getting to a good place last month despite her still being controlled by ex, but then found emails to guys and a profile on a dating site.  I confronted her, she had breakdown and went back to ex briefly (has since pulled away from him yet again).  But it's crazy to think that after everything that's happened and all that I've done and all that she's been through that she'd so EASILY and quickly do such things.  Like you said, that what's hurts the most because it makes everything just all seem so meaningless. 

[petedrexler]

amsheehy:

So sorry you're going through this. It amazes me how similar all our stories are, how textbook BPD relationships are.

When I confronted my exBPDgf about clear evidence of infidelity and dishonesty, she broke down like a three-year-old. It was one of the strangest moments of our relationship. She berated me for months about me cheating on her, contacted other women I had dated when we were not together, blah blah blah, and then I find a smoking gun (wasn't even looking; she made a mistake) and it was like she cracked in half and there was this three-year-old girl in front of me who just got busted for breaking her mother's antique vase.

The gas lighting, the triangulation, the splitting... .[insert expletives!]

I was used, and I let it happen. I was so needy and afraid to be alone I allowed this woman to rip like a tornado through my life and those around me. I still can't believe it. In fact, my own shame and embarrassment is something I'm struggling to overcome. I'm shaking my head right now. Unbelievable that this happened.

Again, so sorry you're going through this. 

Pete

[amsheehy]

amsheehy:

So sorry you're going through this. It amazes me how similar all our stories are, how textbook BPD relationships are.

Yeah, that is one thing that really amazes me - SO many identical stories, situations, etc.

When I confronted my exBPDgf about clear evidence of infidelity and dishonesty, she broke down like a three-year-old. It was one of the strangest moments of our relationship. She berated me for months about me cheating on her, contacted other women I had dated when we were not together, blah blah blah, and then I find a smoking gun (wasn't even looking; she made a mistake) and it was like she cracked in half and there was this three-year-old girl in front of me who just got busted for breaking her mother's antique vase.

The gas lighting, the triangulation, the splitting... .[insert expletives!]

I know, right?  I wasn't even looking either, had ZERO idea about it especially since trust had been broken so many times before and was just starting to be rebuilt a tiny bit.  Did she even have any excuse or just blame you?

I was used, and I let it happen. I was so needy and afraid to be alone I allowed this woman to rip like a tornado through my life and those around me. I still can't believe it. In fact, my own shame and embarrassment is something I'm struggling to overcome. I'm shaking my head right now. Unbelievable that this happened.

Again, so sorry you're going through this. 

Pete

I've let this pattern repeat a NUMBER of times and shake my head at the time, but always go head first back into it. 

It's not that you were used in a typical kind of way, so I would try to dial back any shame or embarrassment.  I honestly doubt that she had clear intentions of using you all along or duped you like some scam artist does, so I hope you don't just feel like some sucker who fell for it. 

With BPD, the person feels incredibly unlovable and broken and needs that constant validation or else they start to go into a panic (at least that's been my experience).  So often times if they're not getting it from you or pick up on the slightest hint that you'll leave (either real or perceived), they'll freak and run away towards just about ANY source of validation and safety.  I've often felt like I discovered this rare beautiful creature in the wild and have spent years VERY slowly trying to walk up to it while it watches me and gazes into my eyes.  And I've restricted my movement to very specific patterns to help calm it down and then RIGHT when I'm about to get close and make contact, I step on the TINIEST of twigs and it barely even makes a sound, but it's enough to completely unhinge this creature and it jets off at full speed, but then stops a few hundred feet away and looks back at me.  Ive deprived myself of all food, water and rest while trying to get close to this thing and am exhausted, but cannot ignore the enticing beauty and so slowly start out again trying to get close and continue to repeat this pattern again, and again and again, etc... .

It's just that sudden and extreme bolting and going on about life like nothing happened that is so confusing and hurtful. 

Thanks for your sympathies.  Always helpful to talk about it with others in same/similar situations.   

[petedrexler]

I know, right?  I wasn't even looking either, had ZERO idea about it especially since trust had been broken so many times before and was just starting to be rebuilt a tiny bit.  :)id she even have any excuse or just blame you?

No excuse at all. She said something like, "it's not what you think and you wouldn't believe me anyway." (Any idiot could see what was going on after what I found.) And then she attacked me for cheating on her (I never did). That's always the way it went. I was always defending myself for things I didn't do and never once getting an apology for all the crap she did to me.

And like you, I was TRYING to trust her. What a cluster. Still shaking my head. The kicker is how someone so sick got under my skin. I've said this elsewhere: this 10-month relationship has been more difficult to let go of than my 15-year marriage (and that was difficult!).

So grateful I'm not alone. This community is a life saver.

[anonymous1234]

I know, right?  I wasn't even looking either, had ZERO idea about it especially since trust had been broken so many times before and was just starting to be rebuilt a tiny bit.  :)id she even have any excuse or just blame you?

No excuse at all. She said something like, "it's not what you think and you wouldn't believe me anyway." (Any idiot could see what was going on after what I found.) And then she attacked me for cheating on her (I never did). That's always the way it went. I was always defending myself for things I didn't do and never once getting an apology for all the crap she did to me.

And like you, I was TRYING to trust her. What a cluster. Still shaking my head. The kicker is how someone so sick got under my skin. I've said this elsewhere: this 10-month relationship has been more difficult to let go of than my 15-year marriage (and that was difficult!).

So grateful I'm not alone. This community is a life saver.

Hey guys, sorry the the very late response. Had a lot on my mind lately and I was keeping busy at work / trying to re-engage with some friends. This is going the right way, a couple have made a clear stance and are keeping my ex and that sucker out. They are getting invited to less and less birthdays and stuff like that. This means I do come, yeay

I had the same experience, I trusted her to the point of being naive, but she reassured me time and time again the other guy was just telling stories. Only when we both stood in front of her you saw the total conflict, at first she was trying to save her story towards me, when I wasn't having it she turned to him (and told me I didn't have a r/s with her, while we stood in the garden of MY parents ). They are still together, so very much in love (they say themselves, but my friends find it awkward and artificial), she even has his brother on Facebook now.

God sometimes I wish I never met her, but on the other hand I would have invested more time into this "friend" and others around him that are letting me down. I have to be honest, although I'm content with myself and my circumstances, I'm having difficulty being without a partner again. I'm sleeping in the guest room because I can't stand sleeping in a two person bed and waking up alone, especially in the weekends.

Next, was it real for you in the beginning, or were you a rebound or distraction?  Borderlines exhibit "unstable affect", meaning their mode changes, sometimes very rapidly, but when it's real, you the knight in shining armor, the relationship a perfect fantasy, when that's real, it's real, until it isn't.  So was it real?  Just go with your intuition.

Yeah I think I was, she was all like "you are so smart", "you are so cute", etc. Even then there were signs things were off but she seemed really happy with me. Although she needed the drama, when the divorce with the ex was settled the affair began. If she had little distraction the trouble at home began, to the point where she ran off after a fight that wasn't even that severe when I told her I was done with it and was going to do something else for a while. Didn't see her for a week.

And the relationship was worth what you say it was.  You probably agree it was a mix of good and bad, that part of your life, that experience, and then whatever introspection and growth you go through now, motivated by the pain, will benefit you as you create your future, so those things considered, did it add value to your life, some of which you haven't fully realized yet?

Well it gave me a kick in the pants to see the world for what it is and to be less naive. You hear stories about people that are untrustworthy but you don't think they are near. Well they are.

I also have given myself a couple of guidelines, I'm not going to pull on people more than 60/40. If they don't invest in the relationship, then it's not worth it. If there is a fight, I'll try to make it right (even if it wasn't my fault) twice. If that's not enough, same conclusion. I won't take this abuse of my spouse in the future that's for sure. If they can't handle me voicing my boundaries, well, same conclusion again. A r/s, whatever the kind, has to be two sided.

What I do find difficult is that he still believes the lies that are so extremely transparent and that they still are together.

[anonymous1234]

Small follow up but I didn't want to withhold this: she is going to marry my replacement after 5 months. When a friend told me, he was concerned for me, but I almost fell on the floor from laughing. Guess he didn't expect that. The irony is strong in this one, my replacement said I had been gullible and naive .

This confirms what I've been thinking all along