Reaching Out, Needing Support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Greetings all.

I'm reaching out today for the first time as I need support, words of affirmation, etc. My older sister (mid thirties) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. In some ways, having a diagnosis was a blessing. It gave validity to all of us, including my sister, and it also armed us with a direction to pursue educating ourselves. However, knowing what it is, how it effects my sister, and what we can do to provide support and establish boundaries does not make dealing with downward spirals any easier or coping with the aftermath any easier.

BPD has given my sister a crutch to stand on. She wants to blame BPD for everything that does not go according to her plan. Her inability to accept personal responsibility and seek professional help to assist her in managing her BPD is frustrating. We have provided her with so many resources and avenues for assistance, including financially funding professional assistance. She has rejected all efforts and is unwilling to try and make strides to improving her ability to cope.

Instead, my sister continues to verbally and emotionally abuse us all. It is now reaching a point where she is starting to be physically abusive. She suffers from suicide ideation and has made attempts in the past. She has hurt our family in so many ways yet we are all still trying to reach out to her. I feel utterly hopeless. I am exhausted-tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of watching her use and abuse my parents. My younger sister and I have to be evasive when we have exciting personal news as any time this seems to happen, it sends my older sister down a dark path. She is the hurricane we cannot outrun, and despite our efforts to safeguard ourselves, she leaves massive destruction in her wake.

I feel hopeless. I feel helpless. I want to give up and cut ties with her. I feel as though I can no longer hold out a hand to someone who continues to slap it away. I want peace. I don't want to live with a mental illness that is not mine. I want to shelter my daughter from the emotional devastation that has become a permanent fixture in my relationship with my older sister. My parents and younger sister share many of these sentiments.

I could write lengthy novels about my sister but words could never describe the depth of pain, hollowness, and sorrow her illness has caused all of us, including her.

Is there hope?

[MarieClark]

Greetings all.

I'm reaching out today for the first time as I need support, words of affirmation, etc. My older sister (mid thirties) was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. In some ways, having a diagnosis was a blessing. It gave validity to all of us, including my sister, and it also armed us with a direction to pursue educating ourselves. However, knowing what it is, how it effects my sister, and what we can do to provide support and establish boundaries does not make dealing with downward spirals any easier or coping with the aftermath any easier.

BPD has given my sister a crutch to stand on. She wants to blame BPD for everything that does not go according to her plan. Her inability to accept personal responsibility and seek professional help to assist her in managing her BPD is frustrating. We have provided her with so many resources and avenues for assistance, including financially funding professional assistance. She has rejected all efforts and is unwilling to try and make strides to improving her ability to cope.

Instead, my sister continues to verbally and emotionally abuse us all. It is now reaching a point where she is starting to be physically abusive. She suffers from suicide ideation and has made attempts in the past. She has hurt our family in so many ways yet we are all still trying to reach out to her. I feel utterly hopeless. I am exhausted-tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of watching her use and abuse my parents. My younger sister and I have to be evasive when we have exciting personal news as any time this seems to happen, it sends my older sister down a dark path. She is the hurricane we cannot outrun, and despite our efforts to safeguard ourselves, she leaves massive destruction in her wake.

I feel hopeless. I feel helpless. I want to give up and cut ties with her. I feel as though I can no longer hold out a hand to someone who continues to slap it away. I want peace. I don't want to live with a mental illness that is not mine. I want to shelter my daughter from the emotional devastation that has become a permanent fixture in my relationship with my older sister. My parents and younger sister share many of these sentiments.

I could write lengthy novels about my sister but words could never describe the depth of pain, hollowness, and sorrow her illness has caused all of us, including her.

Is there hope?

[Klo]

Is it possible that she also has co-morbid bipolar disorder? The reason I ask, is because my mother has BPD, and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and complex-PTSD. However I have always felt that complex-PTSD is like a nice way of telling me that the way my mother treated me growing up gave me a lot of her same dysfunctions. Anyway I started taking 10mg of olanzapine per night for the bipolar disorder, and I must say it has also helped tremendously with the complex-PTSD (BPD as far as I'm concerned) symptoms, as well. Confronting bipolar disorder felt a lot more comfortable than confronting the complex-PTSD, because the bipolar disorder didn't feel like a part of "who I am". It's an illness, and the treatment is not mysterious or overwhelming - it's a straightforward manner of taking a pill every evening, simple and easy, and I don't feel ashamed of it. If she feels that BPD is an ailment, do you think she would be open to trying medication? There is actually a lot of research available to read about how a BPD brain can respond well to the right medication. The only downside I have with olanzapine is a little bit of weight gain, but oh well, it saves my life everyday.

[Kwamina]

Greetings to you too MarieClark and welcome to bpdfamily

Is there hope?

I would say that there is always hope but that we do have to be realistic about what to expect. Your sister has been formally diagnosed with BPD which is indeed positive in the sense that you all now know what you are dealing with.

It's quite unfortunate though that your sister untill now has been unwilling or unable to take responsibility for her actions and commit to therapy. There are people with BPD who through hard work have managed to better manage their difficult thoughts and emotions and as a result have improved their behavior. For this to happen it is essential that the person fully acknowledges that there might be something wrong with his/her behavior and fully commits to working on those issues. This unfortunately doesn't seem to be the case with your sister. Though she does acknowledge her BPD, she doesn't seem to do so in a constructive manner. Perhaps in time she will but the reality is that right now she is exhibiting problematic and abusive behavior.

You mention her verbal and emotional abuse. She is also becoming increasingly physically abusive and has suicidal tendencies which I find quite concerning. To help you assess your current safety situation I encourage you to take a look at the following document: Safety First

When it comes to dealing with your sister I think setting and enforcing boundaries is very important. This can help you protect your own well-being and that of your daughter. Do you feel like setting and enforcing boundaries with your sister is something you are comfortable with doing? We have some resources here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here