I'm out, but am I really?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, guess this is going to be oh so familiar but I need to get this off my chest. My relationship with my BPDexgf has been on/off for the last 16 months. I broke up with her 3 months ago after doing a lot of background reading and realising that every little thing I had picked up on, and made excuses for her for, were actually real. I couldn't put up with the lies, manipulation, drama creating, emotional bullying and general lack of respect she had for me and my feelings any longer. Trouble is, I just can't get over her. I've blocked all means of her contacting me but she finds a way to get in touch every few days and I secretly look forward to it. Even though it never goes well and I feel terrible for days after. I am so so low. She is with someone else but still seems like she is waiting for me to take her back and that just tortures me because I want to see her more than anything. But at the same time dread her turning up. All day, from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep, I am in constant turmoil between my rational thoughts and a deep ache to see her. Please help

[Remiman]

Hi, guess this is going to be oh so familiar but I need to get this off my chest. My relationship with my BPDexgf has been on/off for the last 16 months. I broke up with her 3 months ago after doing a lot of background reading and realising that every little thing I had picked up on, and made excuses for her for, were actually real. I couldn't put up with the lies, manipulation, drama creating, emotional bullying and general lack of respect she had for me and my feelings any longer. Trouble is, I just can't get over her. I've blocked all means of her contacting me but she finds a way to get in touch every few days and I secretly look forward to it. Even though it never goes well and I feel terrible for days after. I am so so low. She is with someone else but still seems like she is waiting for me to take her back and that just tortures me because I want to see her more than anything. But at the same time dread her turning up. All day, from the moment I wake until the moment I fall asleep, I am in constant turmoil between my rational thoughts and a deep ache to see her. Please help

[repititionqueen]

Hi Remiman,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this constant turmoil. I relate to your pain as I have felt the very same way about several of my exes. I promise you though, things will and DO get better!

I really suggest going NC (No contact) though. If she continues contacting you it will torment you and leave you unable to move on and protect yourself emotionally. How has she found ways of contacting you? I know the temptation all to well to want to hear from them but if you want to move on with your life and welcome more caring people into your orbit you need to distance yourself from her completely.

Try to find something else inspiring that doesn't relate to her or relationships and focus more attention towards that. What is it that you truly want? What makes you happy? Is there somewhere you've always wanted to travel to? Focus on making you happy! (I know it's easier said than done)

Best of luck!

[valet]

Remiman, I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. I absolutely understand the doubt associated with completely cutting your pwBPD off. I'm putting myself through a similar situation right now. I don't want the relationship anymore, but I'm not yet convinced that I am detached.

From what you say, you ended things with your pwBPD. It looks as though you've tried to go completely NC.

How is she contacting you?

If you really want to detach, you'll have to find the back doors that she is walking through and close those as well.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Remiman, I'm sorry to hear about your pain, though it might help for you to know that you are not unique in this respect, as many here can confirm.  A r/s with a pwBPD has an addictive quality to it.  We know it's unhealthy, but we don't want it to end.  In my view, you are going through normal withdrawal symptoms.  It's hard, but the starting place is with yourself.  Start by taking good care of yourself.  Try to explore what it is that drew you into a BPD r/s in the first place.  Were you the object of abuse?  If so, you are not alone.

LuckyJim

[Remiman]

Hi guys. Thanks for the responses. It's good to hear other people have experienced similar - although just saying that sounds stupid as I wouldn't wish it on anyone! The thing is I know what I am doing - I make it difficult for her to contact me, but not impossible. And wait for her to find the backdoor. With every confrontation another "door" gets shut. I will have to see her face to face soon through a common interest which I know will be hard but I know I can't hide for ever (and don't want to).

I was just out a long term relationship and hadn't really dealt with all that. I'd met this girl a year before and I felt an attraction straight away but never acted on it as I was in a relationship. I guess then I should have noticed the cracks in my existing relationship but it was still a shock when she left me. Anyway, through accident I met up with this new girl. She was a lot younger than me, and as I said I was attracted to her the moment is met her some time before. I couldn't believe my luck when this beatiful woman gave me all the knight in shining armour stuff, how nobody else had treated her like this etc etc. then it started to go wrong in what seems to be the typical fashion

[Remiman]

So it's been a few days since last contact and struggling again. Fighting the urge to get in touch and try to see her - to the point where it's stopping me do anything else. I'm usually good at not instigating it as I know how it will go. Even when she initiates, it always starts nice then she pushes me for my feelings then has a go at me for making her feel bad and stopping her from moving on - even though she has got in touch with me. I still want to see her before I go on holiday, if only just to hold her

[rotiroti]

Do you have plans for today?


Reading your first post it seems that you know that seeing her again would lead to more trouble, and that seeing her would only be a temporarily fix in the pain. Is there anything specific that is making you want to contact her again?


stay strong Rami!

[Remiman]

I've been reading a lot on the forum, and most of the advice to me seems to be almost like trying to depersonalise everything and treating BPD sufferers all the same. I think I get it, and God knows my ex fits perfectly well with other people's stories. And for a while that is ok. And I feel detached a bit. But then I actually think of her as a person, not a "label" and it twists my stomach. I dreamt I was at her house last night, chatting to her mum (who I became good friends with and her mums partner who I was already friends with). So in my dream I was chatting to her mum and playing with the dogs. I asked where my ex was and she told me "in her room with God knows who she brought home last night". I woke up in such a depression that has lasted most of the day. I know I want to see her for a hug. When we hugged I never felt anything like it before. We would hold each other for hours and fall asleep in each other's arms. I miss that so much. But I know if she came she would start talking - an that would unfortunately just spoil it... .

[rotiroti]

Don't worry, heartbreak is always painful... .BPD or not they're people too.

For me it isn't really about depersonalization, rather it's detaching the emotion attached to the person. I know that my BPDex is a person too and there are lots of sweet and awesome things about her. Unfortunately she also has lots of negative things that is just not compatible with me in the long run. I have to constantly remind myself that she is a whole person, both good and bad.

I remember ruminating just over the good parts... .now i'm realizing that it was selfish of me to just want the good parts. Or expecting her to change for me. Only she can do that for herself.

[Remiman]

I think I'm doing ok in the way that I don't only think about the good times. I can't think about the good times without the bad memories edging their way in. For a while we were on/off mostly because she would convince me to try again, I would say ok, but I couldn't keep the bad memories (things she had done) from overwhelming me and I would break it off, usually within a day or two. So I know I don't long for the relationship we had.  But I do long for the good times of that relationship. And I know I can't have one without the other, and it was no longer worth it.

[rotiroti]

I think I'm doing ok in the way that I don't only think about the good times. I can't think about the good times without the bad memories edging their way in. For a while we were on/off mostly because she would convince me to try again, I would say ok, but I couldn't keep the bad memories (things she had done) from overwhelming me and I would break it off, usually within a day or two. So I know I don't long for the relationship we had.  But I do long for the good times of that relationship. And I know I can't have one without the other, and it was no longer worth it.

that's a powerful insight Remi!

Do you have plans to keep yourself busy today? I personally found the weekends to be the hardest during the first few weeks following the b/u. Helps to be surrounded with friends and family!

[Remiman]

Yeah - actually going on a family holiday for a week. Double edged sword though. Although there are going to be folks around, a similar trip last year was one of the loneliest times for me. Hopefully I'll be better this time. Would help if no contact lasts till Sunday then I'll be untraceable for a week (unless I unblock my phone). Might make the next week easier

[Remiman]

Guys - I need help. After 2 weeks no contact it's all come crumbling down. I can't avoid personal contact and saw her twice in last few days. She's with someone but she's making it clear(ish) that I could get her back. She took my hand yesterday when we were near. Thing is, while I know it will almost certainly go wrong again, I know that I am head over heels in love with her. I ended it (three times) because of her actions / way she treated me, but I am so so in turmoil.

[Lucky Jim]

Thing is, while I know it will almost certainly go wrong again,

Hey Remiman, That you are reaching out to this Board is a good thing.     It's OK if you are thinking about going back into the BPD ring for another round.  As you put it (above), you already know on some level that "it will almost certainly go wrong again."  I agree, though I would delete the "almost."  It will go wrong again, because it always does in a BPD r/s.  Yet we've most of us (read: me) have recycled many times, which you could say is the triumph of hope over history.  It's OK if you decide to get back on the roller coaster, but fasten your seat belt and get ready for a rough ride.

LuckyJim

[Remiman]

Thing is, while I know it will almost certainly go wrong again,

Hey Remiman, That you are reaching out to this Board is a good thing.     It's OK if you are thinking about going back into the BPD ring for another round.  As you put it (above), you already know on some level that "it will almost certainly go wrong again."  I agree, though I would delete the "almost."  It will go wrong again, because it always does in a BPD r/s.  Yet we've most of us (read: me) have recycled many times, which you could say is the triumph of hope over history.  It's OK if you decide to get back on the roller coaster, but fasten your seat belt and get ready for a rough ride.

LuckyJim

Not sure if I'm looking for the go-ahead . But whenever I see her all walls I've built come crumbling down and in left a wreck.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Remi, OK, since you are leaning in that direction, let me pose a few questions: What makes you think it will go differently this go-round?  What are some of the things that you could set in place, now, that will help when the going gets rough later?  Have you given any thought as to why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?  What are your gut feelings?  Where do you see this potential r/s headed, if all goes according to plan?

These are tough questions, I know, but might help focus your thoughts.

Good Luck!

LuckyJim

[Remiman]

Hey Remi, OK, since you are leaning in that direction, let me pose a few questions: What makes you think it will go differently this go-round?  What are some of the things that you could set in place, now, that will help when the going gets rough later?  Have you given any thought as to why you got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?  What are your gut feelings?  Where do you see this potential r/s headed, if all goes according to plan?

These are tough questions, I know, but might help focus your thoughts.

Good Luck!

LuckyJim

Negative answers to all the above