is it my fault?

[confusedmum]

I keep going over how I must somehow be to blame

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi confusedmum,

Welcome to bpdfamily 

I think every parent on this board can relate to your comment. I saw a video featuring Dr. Gunderson (BPD expert) on the NEABPD site, and he talked about how we (society) believed for so long that parents shape our kids, when in fact research is beginning to show that with some kids in particular, it's the other way around. They shape us. That really impacted me.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? How old is your child? What is your relationship like? Behaviors that concern you?

We're here to listen. This is a safe community with people who understand what you're going through and deeply care about your well-being. I hope you'll let us know how we can be here for you.

LnL 

[confusedmum]

Hi

She is 21 and in theory lives at home. In practice she flits from one relationship to another, usually not good. Sometimes she will ignore us for weeks at a time and at others she is constantly on the phone. She has at various times abused alcohol and self harmed and she has attempted suicide with tablets three times. But the way she self harms mostly is in her choice of relationships. She was recently with a lad who was kind and steady but she broke up with him to go off with an older man who has anxiety and alcohol problems, who one day after they had been drinking took her car and crashed it while drunk. She now has no car and has lost the her job (she has never kept a job for more than 2 mths) but the worst thing is that she went back to him and is now living with him.

I feel constantly worried and am always waiting for the call that something has gone wrong and we will have to try to pick up the pieces.We always try to but feel that it is never enough.

[confusedmum]

I read all the time that BPD is a response to abuse as a young child but we were loving parents, if we made mistakes we didnt do it knowingly. My two other children are happy and living good lives so i think that is why i am so confused and always feel guilty

[lbjnltx]

Hi confusedmom,

We are glad you are here looking for understanding about this disorder and your daughter's behaviors.

Have you seen this thread?  Did I cause this?

It explains a lot about parents' roles in the disorder and can help relieve some of our anxiety and guilt. 

Your daughter's behaviors reflect her belief systems and thinking errors and are common amongst BPD sufferers.  Have you studied about what your daughter is suffering with?  The unstable sense of self?  Being impulsive?  What she gets out of self harming choices?

We have a lot of educational materials that can help you understand her and then you can begin to relate to her better and improve your communications with her.

lbj

[Hopeless Beyond]

I know my husband and I did not abuse our BPD Adult Child.  My husbands mother we believed had BPD - still we beat ourselves up.  I cannot describe the pain and sadness we feel.  I do know that we enabled her.  We were always trying to keep her safe.

[livednlearned]

I know my husband and I did not abuse our BPD Adult Child.  My husbands mother we believed had BPD - still we beat ourselves up.  I cannot describe the pain and sadness we feel.  I do know that we enabled her.  We were always trying to keep her safe.

I think this is so natural and true of many parents. Very few parents are born knowing how to raise a child predisposed to BPD (what is sometimes referred to as sensitive genotype). My son has some sensory processing issues and I'm realizing now that when he seemed to be independent and avoidant, he in fact needed more contact and attention. Not one thing I read as a new parent was saying that.

Also, a big thing I learned that helped me -- be kind to yourself. It will have an impact on your child for them to see you model this. Over time, I have taught my son how to treat me. I have a gold standard and model for him what it's like to take care of myself, and to communicate in ways that show I can be kind to myself and care for him at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive. He didn't like it in the beginning, and he still tests me, and overall, he is on board with the new program.

[confusedmum]

Thanks for your replies. I think my brother may have had BPD and my nephew has been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder so i may have to face that it may be partially genetic. I wish I knew how to get her to treat me better and to see how i am trying to help. i know i will just have to keep on trying to learn all i can and keep trying different approaches until something works

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for your replies. I think my brother may have had BPD and my nephew has been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder so i may have to face that it may be partially genetic. I wish I knew how to get her to treat me better and to see how i am trying to help. i know i will just have to keep on trying to learn all i can and keep trying different approaches until something works

We teach people how we want to be treated and what is acceptable to us through our value based boundaries. 

Have you looked at the Tools and Lessons yet?  Communicate Boundaries and Limits is a core skill, along with validation and if needed Listen with Empathy to help you implement all the other skills kindly, gently, and with love.

lbj

[spifficus]

Where would one find the lessons and tools? I am in desperate need of these!

Thanks for your replies. I think my brother may have had BPD and my nephew has been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder so i may have to face that it may be partially genetic. I wish I knew how to get her to treat me better and to see how i am trying to help. i know i will just have to keep on trying to learn all i can and keep trying different approaches until something works

We teach people how we want to be treated and what is acceptable to us through our value based boundaries. 

Have you looked at the Tools and Lessons yet?  Communicate Boundaries and Limits is a core skill, along with validation and if needed Listen with Empathy to help you implement all the other skills kindly, gently, and with love.

lbj

[lbjnltx]

In the side bar to the right------->

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[satahal]

I know my husband and I did not abuse our BPD Adult Child.  My husbands mother we believed had BPD - still we beat ourselves up.  I cannot describe the pain and sadness we feel.  I do know that we enabled her.  We were always trying to keep her safe.

I'm realizing now that when he seemed to be independent and avoidant, he in fact needed more contact and attention. Not one thing I read as a new parent was saying that.

Amen to that - how I wish I had known.

[AVR1962]

To look at ourselves as parents and what we may have done to create, or contribute, is a natural thought process. The thing with that though is if you get caught up in guilt over it you may bend over backwards to try to make things up to your child and this could just feed a very bad dance between you.

I'll share with you something my counselor told me... .we all have sensitivities and vulnerabilities that lay at the surface of our character. For those who are very sensitive sometimes it takes less to bring out these defense mechanisms. Their actions are to protect themselves but what they might be interpreting is not what is actually happening. So basically, their brains might be interpreting imagined things like if I were to tell daughter that she needs to clean up her bedroom (as a child), and my voice is calm, she may hear this as me yelling at her and so what does she tell her friends as an adult? That I screamed at hear about cleaning her bedroom and the further interpretation is that I am screaming at her to keep her house clean. You see how it gets twisted?

All my dealings with my daughter has these same types of twists. If I get involved, even when I am careful, I will be faulted. I am her safe target, I always accept her and always forgive.

Another thing too my counselor mentioned that i think is worth passing along. My daughter praises one person to the point of idolizing, being stuck on them. She might suddenly have a super good friend but then it is gone. He says, and I have read this too, is that BPDs will see a person as all wonderful and then something throws the switch and all of a sudden they are nothing. You are either super good or you are super bad in their book.

[lbjnltx]

To look at ourselves as parents and what we may have done to create, or contribute, is a natural thought process. The thing with that though is if you get caught up in guilt over it you may bend over backwards to try to make things up to your child and this could just feed a very bad dance between you.

Here we refer to this type of response as being in the FOG=Fear, Obligation, Guilt

I'll share with you something my counselor told me... .we all have sensitivities and vulnerabilities that lay at the surface of our character. For those who are very sensitive sometimes it takes less to bring out these defense mechanisms. Their actions are to protect themselves but what they might be interpreting is not what is actually happening. So basically, their brains might be interpreting imagined things like if I were to tell daughter that she needs to clean up her bedroom (as a child), and my voice is calm, she may hear this as me yelling at her and so what does she tell her friends as an adult? That I screamed at hear about cleaning her bedroom and the further interpretation is that I am screaming at her to keep her house clean. You see how it gets twisted?

All my dealings with my daughter has these same types of twists. If I get involved, even when I am careful, I will be faulted. I am her safe target, I always accept her and always forgive.

BPD manifests most often in interpersonal relationships... .the closer a person with BPD is emotionally to another the more traits of the disorder and the more intensely the traits are exhibited.

To see a list of 10 forms of twisted thinking that suffers engage in (we do as well to some degree) click Here

Another thing too my counselor mentioned that i think is worth passing along. My daughter praises one person to the point of idolizing, being stuck on them. She might suddenly have a super good friend but then it is gone. He says, and I have read this too, is that BPDs will see a person as all wonderful and then something throws the switch and all of a sudden they are nothing. You are either super good or you are super bad in their book.

This is a form of  "all or nothing, black and white thinking/idolization and devaluation" or Splitting

Hope the information in the links help you to gain a better understanding of your daughter and your relationship with her.

lbj