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[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello Everyone,

I have a 20 year old daughter with BPD.  We have been struggling most of her life with BPD issues but received a diagnosis during an extended psychiatric stay after a suicide attempt.  When she was 18 we got a diagnosis and treatment plan.  She did well for a year or so - stayed sober, took her meds, went to therapy but then things started to slide - we had are most recent crisis last week with two police transports to the emergency room.  Both times she was released with prescriptions which she probably won't continue to take and we have set up therapy she probably won't continue to go to.  She had been living with her grandparents who were in complete denial until they had an opportunity to live a year in my shoes.  Now they want her to move back with me.  Unfortunately through their denial they have blamed, enabled, convinced her there was nothing wrong with her, and have watched her get to the lowest point I have ever seen her and now they want her to move.  Any suggestions on how to help with moving to another state, leaving her job, even though she has only been at this job a month or so, and the people she sees daily.  They have no idea what a proposition that is for her.  I do believe she would be better off with us but we just got our lives back together with the year separation so it is frightening to think about going back to the way things were.  She is not able to support herself so we have to do something.  Help... .

[aristacat]

Hello Everyone,

I have a 20 year old daughter with BPD.  We have been struggling most of her life with BPD issues but received a diagnosis during an extended psychiatric stay after a suicide attempt.  When she was 18 we got a diagnosis and treatment plan.  She did well for a year or so - stayed sober, took her meds, went to therapy but then things started to slide - we had are most recent crisis last week with two police transports to the emergency room.  Both times she was released with prescriptions which she probably won't continue to take and we have set up therapy she probably won't continue to go to.  She had been living with her grandparents who were in complete denial until they had an opportunity to live a year in my shoes.  Now they want her to move back with me.  Unfortunately through their denial they have blamed, enabled, convinced her there was nothing wrong with her, and have watched her get to the lowest point I have ever seen her and now they want her to move.  Any suggestions on how to help with moving to another state, leaving her job, even though she has only been at this job a month or so, and the people she sees daily.  They have no idea what a proposition that is for her.  I do believe she would be better off with us but we just got our lives back together with the year separation so it is frightening to think about going back to the way things were.  She is not able to support herself so we have to do something.  Help... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, aristacat &

I'm so sorry that things are so difficult and stressful for you--and also for your daughter. This must be terrible for her; with a new job and living so far away from you, how does she feel about all of this? Does she want to come home? Is she upset with her Grandparents? Does she want to keep her job and stay where she is, instead? Is she actually safe with herself right now, or suffering emotionally?

Would she be better off back at home with you, where you could help her find some sort of help?

You say that she thinks there is nothing "wrong" with her; would she be unwilling to seek out some help on her own, to figure things out? Does she have Health Insurance? A Dr. in the area she is in now? If so, and if she gets to the point where she feels she needs help, there may be programs in the County (or whatever municipality) she is in now that can help her so she could move out of her Grandparents' place, but stay where she is. Is there a way to find out if anything is available to her?

Maybe she would be willing to swallow her pride (she knows she was diagnosed as BPD in the past, and inside is probably only too aware of her troubles) and seek some help so she can keep her job and be independent. Is this possibly a route to take with her, rather than just bringing her home? An In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program is something to consider if she is struggling with drugs and Suicidal Ideations right now. Another Therapy that is helpful with her types of problems is Neurofeedback Therapy; have you ever looked into that?

My own adult (38) son was admitted to a Dual Diagnosis Program where he stayed for 21 days and was diagnosed with BPD, along with all of his other diagnoses (which included Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideations and a Heroin addiction). He was discharged in a wonderful frame of mind, and has been clean and sober and doing really well ever since. Part of the reason for his success with recovery is because he started Neurofeedback Therapy two weeks after discharge; more than two years later he is still going to NFT (along with seeing his Outpatient Therapist and Psychiatrist). It really made such a difference in his life that I wanted to mention it to you... .

I'm so very glad that you found us, aristacat, and I suggest that you read all you can on this site (the links to the right-hand side of this page are a good start) and tell us more of your story... .We really want to help 

[aristacat]

She has done one brief in patient and came out in good shape - clean, sober and motivated.  She stayed in therapy and took her medication for awhile and then got into another bad relationship and started drinking and it has been downhill ever since.  She is floating between her grandparents, my house and her boyfriends right now.  She knows something is wrong and that her decision making is not what it needs to be but has grandparents that have steered her in the wrong direction and enabled her and she very much goes to whoever is paying her bills.  Since I learned years ago not to enable I am not her favorite option.  She has been stable the past few days but we have had two emergency room visits in the prior week.  She was cutting, severely depressed and suicidal.  She is happier now but still showing all the other symptoms.  She is very convincing at lying so you never really know what is going on.  I now have her boyfriend on track to help with her recovery and I think her grandparents, although they are often less than honest, so maybe we can do a team effort.  She would be better off with us - her grandfather is an alcoholic and her boyfriend, although he tries, is a recovery heroin addict so he doesn't always make the best decision himself.  She went to her psychiatrist yesterday and I know she went because they called for insurance and payment information, we will pay for treatment but that is all, and has a therapy session today with a new counselor.  She is supposed to work this weekend but I don't know if she will.  She doesn't keep jobs very long but she says she really likes this one but recently had a conflict with another girl she works with.  Unfortunately her grandparents co-signed a new car and talked her into getting credit cards so she could establish credit - what a mistake that was.  Her car insurance is $500 a month because she has totaled one car and wrecked her new one a couple of times already in addition to multiple traffic tickets so she has to work.  I would love for her to try some group therapy but she won't consider it.  I guess time will tell how things will pan out it us just hard to comprehend going back into the war zone that our lives used to be.

[lbjnltx]

Hi aristacat,

It's understandable that you would not want to re-up for going back into the war zone!  You are in a difficult place and it is also a place of power.  Making wise choices right now on what limits you will put in place and what boundaries you will set can determine how far into her world  you go and how far into yours you allow her to come.

Have you and your husband talked about Boundaries and Limits in regards to your support of your daughter?

It sounds like you have a good handle on supporting vs enabling already.  Limits and Boundaries are part of that structure as well.

lbjnltx

[AVR1962]

It amazes me how similar all of our situations are. I know this is not easy, my daughter committed herself to a mental institution when she was 21 to keep her husband from going remote on military assignment after wrecking their car. She then left her husband, supposedly visiting family and ended up moving in with my parents. My parents, like yours, had supported her and once they saw what I actually dealt with their whole attitude changed and my mom was of the opinion that I should be there to care for her.

As bad as it may be to say, this really now now between your daughter and your parents. She and they made a choice. One thing with BPDs is they need to realize they live with their choices. We keep bailing and when we do we enable.

Take her back in your home? Only with a very outlined contract which she first must agree to and then she signs, otherwise she needs to figure it out for herself.

As far as the suicide attempts? Do you think these are for attention or she she actually suffering from depression? Is she currently in therapy?

[aristacat]

It is actually her father's parents.  He and I never married and he hasn't been much of a father to her so I let them have visitation so she could be a part of their family as well.  I do think she is depressed but it is because of her own choices and substance abuse.  I think the suicide attempts are a cry for help more than actual suicide.  This time her grandparents were involved and that is the first time they really saw how bad it gets and she is a cutter so her arms and legs were all cut up so now they think she needs a change of scenery back to my house.  I will not pay for anything except treatment and possibly assist with some college if she proves she will stay in this time.  The car and credit cards, etc. are not my responsibility - unfortunately I can foresee a possible bankruptcy in her future because she is unable to hold a job to pay the bills she has made.  She had a psychiatric appointment yesterday and a counseling appointment today with a therapist trained in DBT so we will see.  The psychiatrist gave her depression meds, anxiety meds, and sleeping pills.  Would have rather he try some therapy instead of a steady stream of medication but maybe she will only have to use that till she gets over the hump and gets some therapy going.

Her grandparents always blamed me for everything and tried to be her savior - it is funny how the tune shifts after they have lived it for a year.  I believe they are currently paying all of her bills which I really don't feel sorry for them since they held her hand into a world of debt.  She has had two transports to the emergency room in the last week so the medical bills should starting rolling in anytime and she is scheduled to work two shifts this week if she goes in at all.  How do you handle the lies?  She just lied to me last night - for no real reason it wasn't even anything big but a lie none the less.  I chose to ignore it since we just got out of a crisis - I know I cannot continue to ignore but how do you confront the lies?

[lbjnltx]

Choose your battles.  Confronting a lie leads to confrontation... .it won't end well for either of you.

If she stays in DBT  she will begin to learn some skills to deal with the realities of life.

If you must discuss untruths it is best to do it using the SET skill.  She is very sensitive to verbal and non verbal communications so being empathetic, non judgmental, validating, and gentle will be most successful.

lbj

[AVR1962]

It is actually her father's parents.  He and I never married and he hasn't been much of a father to her so I let them have visitation so she could be a part of their family as well.  I do think she is depressed but it is because of her own choices and substance abuse.  I think the suicide attempts are a cry for help more than actual suicide.  This time her grandparents were involved and that is the first time they really saw how bad it gets and she is a cutter so her arms and legs were all cut up so now they think she needs a change of scenery back to my house.  I will not pay for anything except treatment and possibly assist with some college if she proves she will stay in this time.  The car and credit cards, etc. are not my responsibility - unfortunately I can foresee a possible bankruptcy in her future because she is unable to hold a job to pay the bills she has made.  She had a psychiatric appointment yesterday and a counseling appointment today with a therapist trained in DBT so we will see.  The psychiatrist gave her depression meds, anxiety meds, and sleeping pills.  Would have rather he try some therapy instead of a steady stream of medication but maybe she will only have to use that till she gets over the hump and gets some therapy going.

Her grandparents always blamed me for everything and tried to be her savior - it is funny how the tune shifts after they have lived it for a year.  I believe they are currently paying all of her bills which I really don't feel sorry for them since they held her hand into a world of debt.  She has had two transports to the emergency room in the last week so the medical bills should starting rolling in anytime and she is scheduled to work two shifts this week if she goes in at all.  How do you handle the lies?  She just lied to me last night - for no real reason it wasn't even anything big but a lie none the less.  I chose to ignore it since we just got out of a crisis - I know I cannot continue to ignore but how do you confront the lies?

Sounds you are on the right track with your plans with daughter. As far as the lies? They are hard to deal with. My daughter works two people against one another to get neither one to trust the other... .my ex was the same way. When my daughter was living with my parents she would call me and tell me all these things my mom was saying about me and I have no doubt she was doing the same with my mother. Who knows how much of it was true but she is very cunning, makes you feel she has befriended you and that she is sincere but it is all about her game. Then once you get to close to the truth or you let her know you have caught on to her game you are the person to blame. My daughter has to be able to use people for her gain.

My name has been slandered to so many people. My other two daughters know her game and if they have any questions about anything said they will come to me and ask.

Something one of my counselors told me on this subject is that we cannot do anything about what one person says or thinks about us and if anyone asks if we did such horrible things we can just say, "You don't know even half of it, I did so much more," which makes them see that their question is ridiculous but you don't go into the specifics. Everyone will form an opinion, it might not be based on reality but we cannot do anything to change one's reality. If someone thinks you are a monster based on something they were told only they can change their own perception. You have to get to a point where it doesn't matter what others think of you.