We may be moving across the country, and I just feel the guilt

[MiserableDaughter]

My unBPD mother has made my life hell in multiple ways. She ruined my marriage. I've been married for 13 years and the bulk has been consumed by her issues... .to the point my husband is so resentful of me. I've wanted to move far away 10 years ago but my husband never listened. Now she's trying to take over my son and I feel like all I keep doing is fending her off. NC is not an option for me. I'm LC. Now finally we may be moving across the country. And I'm feeling guilty. Like I'm abamdoning her. I mean, my dad is with her, but she sees me and my 3 year old as her life support even though she sucks the life out of me. My older brother is getting married in two weeks and he and his wife will be living 2 hoirs away from them so not far... .(my bro always been across the country!) but I'm feeling horrible. Even thoigh I know this is gonna be good for me and my husband... .After things came to a blowout my husband tried to walk out on me a few days ago saying you and your "f---king family" messed him up. I've never Ben able to fully focus on my marriage because I've been diverted to my mother whether I wanted to or not. But somewhere she is 64 and dad 71 and I feel like I'm abandoning them. Even when my husband was Tryijh to walk out on me, my only reap an for stopping him was thinking that if he leaves me my parents will suck me into their world and do everything possible to get my son and me to live with them... .That's why I stopped him. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing and just being blind with the FOG... .

[Maisha]

First of all, congratulations on the move!  Looks like it's been 10 years over-due, so you shouldn't feel guilty at all. That is just the FOG talking. You have spent so many years putting your mother's needs first, that you feel guilty when you do something that's good for you (probably because you hear her voice in your head:  "you are selfish, you only care about yourself, how can you move so far away and leave me alone?". 

Consider this: your mother will not be alone.  She has your father.  Even if she doesn't treat him like a spouse and relies on you for emotional support, that is her choice. She has her husband, she has her friends, and from what it sounds like, she's extremely resourceful and has managed to manipulate so many people to pander to her needs. 

You need to focus on your marriage now - you cannot keep testing your husband like this. I empathize with you completely - my mother is very much similar to yours, and if I don't protect my marriage, she will destroy it.  She competes with my husband constantly, jealous of any time that I spend with him that does not include her.  She'll even go to the extent of saying "But I'm old and sick, and I will die soon (not true - she's 59 years old), so you must spend time with me and not him". 

Sounds like you feel guilt about abandoning your mother as she is aging.  What about when you are 64?  Your mother will be gone, who will be your support network?  Does she even care?

We are all responsbile for our own happiness.  I struggle daily with this, as the daughter of a BPD mother, you are made to feel like you and only you can make your mother happy.  This is not true. 

A last note of caution - moving away is not a panacea.  You will still have to work hard at keeping and maintaining boundaries.  I moved away from my home when I was 16, and I haven't been back since. Despite now living a 9 hour flight away from my mother, she still manages to play me like a puppet. On the plus side, not living next door to her means that I can turn off the phone when I don't want to talk to her, or I can use work as an excuse, and she has no way to check what I'm actually doing.  The distance has been helpful in that sense, but the boundaries will be something that come from within.

One more thing - don't overcompensate by spending extra time on the phone and on holidays with her once you move away.  It will do you no good if you move away then make up for it by spending an hour on the phone with her daily.  Moving away means less time on your mother.  Find out what's reasonable to you.  Don't let her bully you through social media and phone messages.

[HappyChappy]

I’m sorry to hear about your tricky situation, it does sound frustrating. You highlight a load of benefits to the move, but don’t mention a single down side – other than the effects of F.O.G. I would agree that on the face of it, it sounds like the F.O.G. talking. Because logically what you, your kid and hubby want should come before Grandparents. But you just talk about what your BPD mom wants. Logically, your mom has a son and partner close by, so she’s not alone. Sounds like you're the one that needs a bit of TLC and space. But you don’t mention the reason for the move. Could you tell us more ?

[MiserableDaughter]

Why we are moving... .Good question. Honestly, because I have wanted nothing more than to live far away from my Mom and to not raise my child around her. I know my limitations... .She is always lingering near me with her drama, rages, guilt, and pulling my son now... .I am tired of the weekly tug of wars. They impact my moods etc., and thus my husband. He is a very "black and white" person and doesn't understand why I can't just tell her off and cut her off. I have told her off. BUt for those who have BPD moms, you know that "telling off" only worsens the situation. The more you push away, the stronger they pull.

Also, we have had many traumatic health situations, which my husband attributes to our stress. I was diagnosed with MS at age 27 (36 now) and he had a massive heart attack at age 40 (1.5 years ago.) Only ten percent survive the "widowmaker" heart attack. We had multiple miscarriages before my son. We have no sex like since the last 10 years. It feels like we are 60. Our relationship has gone to the dogs. We almost split up this past weekend.

I feel like we need to leave it all behind without the constant "background noise" of my mom. We need a new start. And honestly, my husband blames all our relationship issues on my mother. I want to test that theory where she is not around. If my marriage isnt working, I wont want to stay only because I am afraid my parents will suck me back into their home and make it all worse. I want to live as an independent, drama free woman. Even if I got divorced, I would live across the country, not near  my parents. So I am setting myself up to peacefully figure out where my life goes without the constant roller coaster in the back. I want to get off the roller coaster, and being local and still LC, I find the inability to do that since she keeps pulling and pulling and hurting and hurting... . 

[HappyChappy]

I have wanted nothing more than to live far away from my Mom and to not raise my child around her.

I think the answer to your question is within what you’ve written. Sounds like this is not a rushed decision, quiet the opposite, something you and hubby have wanted to do for some time. Your arguments are all rational and you have not given one reason not to go.

I think it’s understandable you want reassurance on this decision, because BPD bring us up to question decisions like this. The gas lighting , the F.O.G., the low self esteem it’s no wonder we get trapped.

As for your hubby struggling to understand, my closest friends have told me as scary as my BPD appears, it’s just hard for them to relate to the behaviour. They believe me, they just don’t know what to say.

You know that liberating feeling you get when you go abroad on holiday, where everything is new and exciting and you troubles seem so far away. That’s what I got when  first moved away (as soon as I was legally allowed to). Life's too short. I wish you the best.