Interesting memory that keeps popping up

[WhatJustHappened?]

I remember when I was together with my exBPDgf, we went on a day trip to a mountain town. We had a great time. Backstory: this was one of my first loves of mine that lived in another State. We had reconnected after many years when things reignited and became very intense.

We were walking down the main street and passed a realty office with all kinds of house listings posted in the window. I said to her playfully, "lets just find a place up here and run away from it all". I'll never forget how stunned she was when I said it. She told me that I was just talking "crazy talk".

I thought that was odd. After all the "I love yous" and "we were meant to be together", etc. talks that she would play along with me.

It was like she was actually being asked to do it and even the thought of making that kind of commitment was just out of the question. But saying the commitment and love phrases was perfectly fine and dandy.

[letmeout]

My BPD ex could joke around like that and he thought it was great fun. But he took every word that I would say, to heart. I don't know why that is.

[SummerStorm]

I remember when I was together with my exBPDgf, we went on a day trip to a mountain town. We had a great time. Backstory: this was one of my first loves of mine that lived in another State. We had reconnected after many years when things reignited and became very intense.

We were walking down the main street and passed a realty office with all kinds of house listings posted in the window. I said to her playfully, "lets just find a place up here and run away from it all". I'll never forget how stunned she was when I said it. She told me that I was just talking "crazy talk".

I thought that was odd. After all the "I love yous" and "we were meant to be together", etc. talks that she would play along with me.

It was like she was actually being asked to do it and even the thought of making that kind of commitment was just out of the question. But saying the commitment and love phrases was perfectly fine and dandy.

Yep.  All it took for mine was to go see a house with me.  That was it.  Done.  Over.  But days before that, all I heard about was how she wanted to live with me and marry me.  Now, when I think back on it, I realize that the signs were all there.  I mentioned looking at houses, and she said, "You can look at the houses.  I'll just look at you."  So, I guess I could have moved us into a dumpster, and that would have been fine?  Then, when I told her that I found a house that might be the one, she replied, "You're the one."  When that house turned out to be not that great, I tried to talk to her about other houses, and she just didn't care.  It was like, she just wanted me to snap my fingers, have everything moved in, and have everything magically be happiness and sunshine forever. 

She does live with her boyfriend now and is moving across the country with him, so we'll see how that works.  She freaked out prior to moving in with him, and the primary reason she moved in with him is because she literally had nowhere else to go. 

[apollotech]

I mentioned looking at houses, and she said, "You can look at the houses.  I'll just look at you."  So, I guess I could have moved us into a dumpster, and that would have been fine?  Then, when I told her that I found a house that might be the one, she replied, "You're the one."  When that house turned out to be not that great, I tried to talk to her about other houses, and she just didn't care.  It was like, she just wanted me to snap my fingers, have everything moved in, and have everything magically be happiness and sunshine forever.

SS,

I'd say that she was delaying intimacy (engulfment) by not participating in the house hunting. No house = no living together, although, at the same time, she is telling you that she wants y'all to live together... .but, she is actively doing nothing to make that a reality.

[WhatJustHappened?]

Hey, is my thread being hijacked? LOL What about me?

[Gonzalo]

My ex- would do the same thing, she could have random speculation, but if I did then either she would get upset that I was suggesting something that was a bad idea, or would take it as a permanent commitment and get angry when I didn't want to actually do it later. She just  didn't seem to get the idea of me tossing an idea around and spinning plans about something speculative without intending to really go through with it, even though she had no problem doing that.

[parisian]

WhatJustHappened, my view is that there comes a point in a relationship with a BPD, where they take what you say as a literal meaning. That is, even though to any non-disordered person, you are clearly exaggerating, joking, being silly and so on, the BPD seems to apply some sort of literal interpretation to the specific words, and they are used as an opportunity to refute, to argue, to belittle and so on.

I experienced similar behaviour with mine around the 12 month mark. Where I would make a clearly exaggerated, designed to be funny type comment (because ridiculous exaggeration is one way of being humorous), and my exBPD would try and 'correct' what I had said. She would point out how 'that's not the case' or 'that wouldn't happen' or 'no it doesn't/isn't', and I would have to say I'm joking, that my comments were meant to be a joke.

It seems to be some flaw in their comprehension, their executive functioning whereby they take comments as literal statements.

There are research studies that show they have difficulties assessing facial emotions and to me there seems some type of logic flaw also in them being able to distinguish clear exaggerations as comedy. Of course trying to be logical or argue or explain anything rational with a BPD is just a massive exercise in frustration. Mind you, she always managed to be able to see the funny side of the same type of humour coming from from her enabling group of friends.

It got to the point for me, that I just stopped trying to be funny because I got tired of explaining/defending/justifying. It was easier to say nothing.

Who wants or needs to be in a relationship where you can't even share a simple joke.

[apollotech]

Hi WJH,

I said to her playfully, "lets just find a place up here and run away from it all". I'll never forget how stunned she was when I said it. She told me that I was just talking "crazy talk".

I thought that was odd. After all the "I love yous" and "we were meant to be together", etc. talks that she would play along with me.

It was like she was actually being asked to do it and even the thought of making that kind of commitment was just out of the question. But saying the commitment and love phrases was perfectly fine and dandy.

I think what I said to SS is applicable in your situation as well. I think you read it correctly---she was avoiding the commitment; although, you might not have understood her reason(s) at the time. This appears to me to be another example of avoiding engulfment via avoiding closeness, or the possibility thereof.


Hi parisian,

It got to the point for me, that I just stopped trying to be funny because I got tired of explaining/defending/justifying. It was easier to say nothing.

Brother I am with you here. The communication impediment definitely robs a conversation of any spontaneity, gaiety, or lightness. Like you, I found myself always in a position of explaining my thoughts (expressions and/or actions) and/or defending them. Like you, I too eventually just gave up. Flirting with her, my BPDexgf, was all but impossible because of her communication impediment. It certainly was more work than fun.

[eniale]

Re:  The "interesting memory"; thankfully, I am well out of 1 yr. relationship with BPD significant other; breakup 2 1/2 years ago.  The "interesting memory" very typical of BPD behavior.  They have issues with both abandonment AND intimacy.  Thus they will "talk the talk":  "I love you, I want us to be together forever, you are the only one for me, we were made for each other", but if they feel the other person is getting too close, OR, if they feel the beginning of real intimacy with the other person, the fear of intimacy takes over e.g. "That's crazy talk."  My ex pwBPD actually spoke of marriage; right after that he found a woman and cheated on me.  Before I found out about her, he said "You don't want to get married, do you, because I don't!"  And HE was the one who brought it up.  Cheating on me and letting me discover it was his way of avoiding the intimacy, although he had the audacity to want to remain "best friends"!  He did me a favor by cheating on me; he showed me his true self.  I've maintained NC despite his many efforts to reconnect.  Realize I didn't love HIM, I loved my PERCEPTION of him, and that was not who he was.  Extremely painful at the time, but I've been totally over it for 2 years.