i set my first 'limit' but what if it doesnt last?

[Depression = 72% of members]

i am proud of myself for setting my first LIMIT in a calm and relaxed - but firm manner. My partner had been demanding to read all my text messages and facebook messages (convinced he was going to find some 'evidence' of some sort of infidelity - which obviously he wouldnt as i am totally loyal) - and stood there shamelessly going through them all, i let him because i thought if he could SEE that there was nothing there he would then lay off me and might even apologise? - big mistake, as all he then did was accuse me of DELETING any message i didnt want him to see, so i soon realised there was no winning in these situations!

I left it until it was a calm moment, and i told him how i needed to grieve for my father and how his behaviour was really not helping and i felt very depressed with it all. He did admit that he wasnt helping in this matter and so i took that as an opportunity to create my first definite limit!

I told him that i had a right to my own privacy, just as he does, and that there would NEVER ever be a time again when i would let him read through all my messages, and that it didnt help to make things better if i did anyway, in fact seemed to make it worse. So i said to him that the next time he had things being created in his head about me, and what he 'thought' i was doing, he would just have to deal with that himself and find a way of coping as what he made me do was abusive and violated my rights!

He has seemed to accept this, i think it was the right time to say it as it wasnt in an argument etc, i am concerned about whether or not he will test that limit and how long it will last for, but i felt really proud of myself for setting it and so greatful to this site for giving me the knowledge and confidence to do so!

[last resort]

i am proud of myself for setting my first LIMIT in a calm and relaxed - but firm manner. My partner had been demanding to read all my text messages and facebook messages (convinced he was going to find some 'evidence' of some sort of infidelity - which obviously he wouldnt as i am totally loyal) - and stood there shamelessly going through them all, i let him because i thought if he could SEE that there was nothing there he would then lay off me and might even apologise? - big mistake, as all he then did was accuse me of DELETING any message i didnt want him to see, so i soon realised there was no winning in these situations!

I left it until it was a calm moment, and i told him how i needed to grieve for my father and how his behaviour was really not helping and i felt very depressed with it all. He did admit that he wasnt helping in this matter and so i took that as an opportunity to create my first definite limit!

I told him that i had a right to my own privacy, just as he does, and that there would NEVER ever be a time again when i would let him read through all my messages, and that it didnt help to make things better if i did anyway, in fact seemed to make it worse. So i said to him that the next time he had things being created in his head about me, and what he 'thought' i was doing, he would just have to deal with that himself and find a way of coping as what he made me do was abusive and violated my rights!

He has seemed to accept this, i think it was the right time to say it as it wasnt in an argument etc, i am concerned about whether or not he will test that limit and how long it will last for, but i felt really proud of myself for setting it and so greatful to this site for giving me the knowledge and confidence to do so!

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[vortex of confusion]

If you don't want him in your stuff, then you may need to change all of your passwords and log out of your accounts when you leave the computer.

He might test the waters and see if you are being serious.

I set a similar limit when my husband was at his worst. He tested me a time or two and then it blew over. He doesn't try to get in my stuff any more. He has gotten a lot better about giving me space and privacy. It took time and patience and there were a few snafus along the way.

Great job of standing up for yourself!

[Notwendy]

My best answer to you is that the limit is about you, not him. He may very well test it, it may not last. He may keep pushing to see your private information, imagine you are having an affair when you are not, creating "evidence" for it, but you have no control over that, only you.

I keep my e mail and FB accounts private. There isn't anything for him to see. He is not on FB but my kids are- they can see everything on my wall. There is nothing posted that I would care if they saw. My H could "friend" me if he wanted to and see the same thing, but he is not on FB.

Although I have not done anything to make my H think there is someone else besides him, nor have I behaved in a way that would make him think that, he has imagined all kinds of things. That is the one thing that would creep me out if he did see my posts or e mails- there is nothing to hide, but he would be looking at it all in ways to "find" evidence for it. Again, I can't control him doing that or not.

I think every human is vulnerable to infidelity. We are hard wired for attraction. My own approach to this is to keep strong boundaries on potential situations that may lead to that both personally and online. I do consider his feelings, but this lead to me basically isolating myself as any possible social encounter was distressful to him. We, as a couple, have virtually no friends because of this. I have female friends only, but meeting in couples- where a man is present, is stressful, especially if that man is a friend. I have no male friends from the time I was married, only some that I grew up with- long before I ever met my H. One example is that we were recently invited to have dinner with a family where the man is a family childhood friend of mine. There was nothing between us as kids- were were only children. Romance was impossible! Also, the outing involved spouses and kids. Yet, my H has raged in situations like that before, due to his imagination. I used to decline such invitations. This time we went, as a family. My H went because I believe, he would have "looked bad"  if he had come up with reasons to ask me to decline. He did agree with limits that we don't "stay too long" or "agree to doing something else social with them soon after that"  He also was silent and sulking for a day afterwards. That would have bothered me, but this time it did not.

The point being is that I have confidence in my own boundaries. I know what I am doing and what I am not. His thinking otherwise doesn't change that. I can consider his feelings, but if his feelings involve believing something about me that is not true, that doesn't make it true.

I also do social things without him, not suspicious ones, but if invited to a group situation, or family, I will go with the kids or with friends rather than sit home because he is more comfortable that way.  I don't ask him to go if he doesn't want to.

Ironically, and I have no proof of what happened, is that if either one of us has "crossed" that line, it is him, as he once had a suspicious relationship with a coworker, even to the point of travelling together on business trips, staying in the same hotel , while I was home alone with the kids. I know she made advances to him, but I don't know what he did. I haven't done anything like that. I have considered that his" imagination" is more about him than about me, but again, that is not something I have control over.

[Notwendy]

double post error

[flowerpath]

Hi, last resort. 

Just as you are the one who chooses your own boundaries to protect yourself, you get to choose whether you will uphold them. 

You may get some resistance, maybe even a big show (search the site for “extinction burst”), but ultimately you are the one who decides whether you will let him overstep your boundary. 

Be strong.

[formflier]

 

They will test it... .don't be afraid of this... .but be ready.

The key is to not be reactive. 

Someday it is very likely they will gain access and read things... .and accuse.  Change passwords and move on.


   On setting the limit.

FF