son still suicidal 6 months after near fatal attempt…..

[Calm Waters]

I'm just about at my wits end, having taken 6 months off work whilst my son was recovering from his injuries after jumping from the 5th floor he is still suicidal. He is under the care of various psychiatric professionals but here in the UK resources for any kind of therapy are meagre and take months to be available. He is living back with us at home, he's 27 and is very ambivalent even hostile to any kind of help or support. We have endured this for almost 10 years now whilst his mental state has deteriorated, he is diagnosed with moderate depression but to me a near fatal suicide attempt is far from moderate! He constantly ruminates about past failed relationships and one night stands, he believes he is a rapist! though I do not believe this to be the case having heard about the events in question, however he can't seem to forgive himself whatever sins he feels he has committed. He has even apologised to the women involved and they hold no grudge at all but he continues to berate himself to the verge of self destruction. I have just started back at work and on the first day he destroyed his bedroom door, then yesterday he stormed off saying he was going to kill himself in front of his brother. Its almost impossible to describe the hell we have been through with him and it just continues with very little if any improvement. Is he BPD? hard to say, I have traits as does my wife but we have been in therapy for 25 years, My son has had boughts of therapy but all gets so expensive and  results are tenuous at times. This has nearly destroyed my marriage is having a dire effect on his younger brother and I feel angry and resentful all the time as I believe he has largely done this to himself with recreational drug abuse and poor choices now we all have to suffer. I feel like killing him myself at times and feel so little love for him now sadly. My wife however won't turn her back on him or join me in the tough love approach so we are often at loggerheads, its a nightmare with no end in sight!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Calm Waters,

I'm so sorry that your son is still suicidal, this is a parent's worst nightmare and to have to relive it over and over for so long must be taking a terrible toll on you and your wife. 

The most frustrating part is when our kids don't care enough about themselves to even try to work towards getting better.  It sounds like you have provided lots of opportunities for him.  I'm not well versed in what kind of facilities or enforceable options are available for the chronically suicidal in the UK... .is there such a thing a involuntary commitment there?

Since you and your wife have been attending therapy for quite some time, what skills can you practice to help yourselves and model for your son?  When therapy outcomes are not helping or therapy is refused all we have left sometimes is taking care of ourselves and modeling self care to our children.  No guarantees that our kids will learn and at the very least we have taken care of self.



lbj

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

I still remember your posts about your son very well.  He survived but is clearly still in pain and struggling. I too am very sorry that your son is still having these problems.

When you posted this you felt like at wits end. How are things now?

Take care

[tristesse]

Hello Calm Waters

I'm glad that your son has recovered physically from his 5 story jump, and am so so sad to hear that psychologically he has not gotten better. Havinge been through the suicidal attempts ( nothing quite as drastic as the jump ), I understand how taxing and nerve wracking it can be. I wish there were some magic words to make it all better. Some way to take the hurt and anger away from your family.

I understand how costly therapy can be, and I also understand how it can feel like you are tossing good money in the trash when the therapy is not successful. I have to say though, that I am like your wife. My DD is a diagnosed BPD, and she is horrible, hateful, mean, vulgar. self righteous... .etc. etc. but I can't turn away from her. I have tried and tried, but I am mentally unable to do it. I wanted to try the tough love approach, and it was far worse for me than for her, the guilt was all consuming, and I just couldn't function. My baby was suffering, and no matter how deserving she was, I couldn't do it.  I think you have to be extra strong to get through this approach, and I am not that strong, so I understand your wife.

Your son knows he is pushing your buttons, he knows he is wrong, but he is SICK. I wouldn't call him moderately depressed, I would call him severely depressed, but I have no degree in medicine, so it is just an opinion.

I can tell you what I have done that has helped me,  I stopped acting like my daughter was sick and needed special interactions. I talk to her and treat her just like I would her siblings. I told her I am going to live my life as if she were a regular functioning adult living separate from my husband and I, and that is exactly what I do. She is responsible for her happiness, not me, I can not make her happy, she has to find that all by herself. I have given her and her son a place to live in my home, but she must live her life the best way that she can, and I will do the same. If things get bad for her, I am there to lend assistance, but she can no longer control my life with her raging. Surprisingly, it has helped. I have taken a break from BPD, and begun to live again, my husband and I have reconnected, we take time away for just us, and our bond has strengthened. I love my daughter, and would never ever allow harm to come to her, but  I took her control away, by no longer reacting.

I am not suggesting that your son would handle things the way my daughter has, nor that you would benefit from my method, but that I believe there is hope. I believe our children need us , and without us they would perish, but we do not owe them our lives.

I wish you peace and happiness my friend. I want nothing more than to read an update from you telling us how good things have gotten, or the progress that has been made... .I will pray for that. Hugs across the ocean. Hang in there my friend.

[Calm Waters]

Thank you all for your words of advice and support. I was in hospital myself for a change yesterday, I had a very severe bought of atrial fibrillation ( palpitations ) I have had these before and its not been a problem but this episode lasted 6 hours rather than just a few minutes. I was at the point of passing out when my wife called the paramedics out. I was in ER for a few hours then in the cardiac ward on a monitor for a further 24 hours. I am going to be ok, I'm sure much of this is down to stress, I hoped it would shock my son in to recognising the pressure he is putting me under but sadly not, on my return I received a grunt of recognition and nothing else, then later that evening he was back to ranting about wanting to die. I try to carry on with my life as best I can but the dynamic between me and my wife keeps us stuck. I am starting to fear for my health as I have been under constant stress now for a good few years and I am the main earner, he doesn't seem to realise how precarious our situation is. Anyway we are getting some support from the mental health services but its taking a long time but I guess we have to hope that when it comes it will have an impact. Its very hard to admit that ones child has become someone you really just don't want to be with, but that's the truth, I just want him out of my life, for a while. has anyone watched bloodline on Netflix - it really struck a chord with me... .Thanks again.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Calm Waters,

I'm sorry to learn that you are having problems with your heart.  Stress does most certainly have affects on our physical health just as it does our mental and emotional health. 

I hope that you can begin to find a way to take better care of yourself, maybe something here will strike a chord with you and get you started:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

Can you or your son take a break from each other?  Anywhere he can go for a few days while you recover?

lbj

[tristesse]

Hi Calm Waters

I am so sorry that your health is being jeopardized, and your sons behaviors are a contributing factor. I think you are going to have to do what ever is necessary to keep yourself healthy and safe. I think you need a vacation from your son, a break from all of this stress and dramatic theatrics of BPD. I know it's always easier said than done, but if you can find a way to take a small vacation, even just a hotel for 2 or 3 days to rest undisturbed, then you need to do it. Your son is like most BPD's and has no empathy, He is worried about his life, and all of the woes he is suffering ( sort of NPD ). Your being there and tolerating all of his anger and aggression are doing neither of you any good.

I still wish that this awful illness did not exist and that I could just make it better for you. Hopefully help arrives before it's too late, for one or both of you.

Take care friend, I will be praying for you.

[kelti1972]

Hi Calm Waters:

My husband and I just got back from vacation, so I have not been on this site for awhile.  I saw your post and wanted to respond.  My 27 year old son also has threatened suicide three times in the last seven years.  This last time he took a razor, but fortuanately didn't go through with it.  I did the tough love thing and kicked him out, because he said he was on drugs.  Now he says that was not true and he was having a mental breakdown.  Anyway the tough love was agonizing and excurtiating.  I didn't think I would live through it either.  He was homeless for three days and that is when he said he found God again.  I am not recommending this at all, I am just relating with the pain of a suicide attempt or threat.  It is soo hard.  Soo opainful and facing the possible death or losing our children is the worst pain I know. I have lost a parent as a child, a husband and brothers and sisters to death and this so far, losing a child is the most painful I have experienced.  I have also be abdoned by my whole family, so I know what loss and pain is and I am with you and my heart with with you. 

I did get a break when we kicked our son out.  He was in a halfway house for two months. I grieved terrible and was in terrible pain, but I did need that break.  I don't know what has happened since your last post, but I hope and pray you have been able to take care of yourself and love yourself.  I too get heart palpatations and my blood pressure goes down low during stress, I had to get tests and such when I was under alot of stress, thinking I would loose my job.

Fortunately I am ok and my heart is ok, knock on wood.  My husband and I are 64 and it does take a toll on you.  Our son is back home again, under the boundaries that he will not take drugs or drink and he goes to his therapy once a week and DBT.  He is looking for a part-time job and will start DBT in July or August. 

On our vacation he called and went on and on about not being a drug addict, and that he had a mental breakdown, and that is why is was paranoid and out of his mind.  Why he shaved his head, said he had hard drugs in the house, said his friend gave him herion, said he went to work and was given more herion that day.  Was acting so crazy that day, tried suicide.  Anyway now he says that he was haveing a panic attack and mental break and his therapist says he is not an addict and that he can moderately drink.  I don't know what to believe, but I know he has to live under our boundaries if he is to stay here.  That means, no drugs, no drinking, part-time job and doing therapy and DBT.  I pray and hope all is well with your health, and your son.  I am here for you if I can help.  Do take care and I am so sorry you are going through this.  Kelti1972

[Calm Waters]

Thank you all for your words of advice and sympathy. My son has now been re admitted to the local psychiatric hospital, thankfully he went voluntarily recognising that he needed help. This happened after a frightening car journey i had with him where he was threatening to get out of  the car whilst moving! lots of shouting and swearing from him, but i remained calm and got him home safe. I am looking forward now to some respite from his behaviour. I am now taking beta blockers and statins for a possible heart condition, they are making me feel horrible with acid stomach and lethargy but i guess I will get used to them. Its heart breaking what has happened to my son and our family as a result of his condition, I just hope the professionals can now help him recover, it has taken them a long time to recognise that he is high functioning at many levels and is very capable of hoodwinking them. - Calm - at least trying to be!

[lbjnltx]

Hello Calm Waters,

I'm glad that you are getting a break while your son is safe and under professional care. 

I've had that scary ride you speak of with my daughter.  Once I pulled over on the side of the highway and called the sheriff's dept. to come pick her up... .we were only a few miles from the station and I ended up driving her there myself.


Do the doctors have a treatment plan for him yet?  Medications changed/started?

lbj

[kelti1972]

Hi Calm Waters:

Good to hear from you!  I am so sorry about your health and wish you wellness and healing.  This stuff sure is hard and scary at times.  I am so glad your son is in a safe place.  Our SBPD, was kicked out of the house because we thought he was on hard drugs.  He told us that, and it was just an elaborate story to get out of his present pain.  Anyway long story short, he ended up at a really good place and got assessed at a really good place and now is in therapy and will start DBT soon.  He is home once again.  I did tell you I had two months break from him and even though I couldn't breath at times, worrying about him out there, so far miracles have happened.

So I really pray and wish the same for you.  Prayer does work, if you don't believe in it, I will pray and I wish your son, you and your family the very best of luck and health.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kelti1972]

Hi CalmWaters:

I thought I posted, but I do not see it so I will try again.  I wanted to say it is  so good to hear from you again.  Hang in there and I will pray for your wellness and health.  Take care of you always.  Miracles do happen and there is no hopeless case.  I pray and hope miracles will happen in your families life, I know I will be praying for you and your family! 

I believe God and angels helped our son when we kicked him out of the house.  We thought he was a drug addict.  He isn't, and he got to the right places to get assessed and get into the right therapy and eventually do DBT.  When he was gone for two months I thought I would die, and at the same time I desperately needed the break.  My health doesn't do well under stress either.  Kelti

[Calm Waters]

thanks to all of you for your support. I am pleased to report that my son is doing better, he is in supported accommodation near to where we live and seems to be more stable. There have been many false dawns but i am hopeful.

However my other son now 19 who has been severely affected by his brother is now struggling. He has had IBS for a couple of years that have led to him losing his self confidence, he hasn't had a regular job since he left school 3 years ago, but does work when he feels he can. He's is depressed about his IBS and how it is affecting his life, its been worse since his brother jumped and he has tried really hard to support his older brother to his own detriment, he is angry and desperate but has written himself off refusing most forms of treatment. It feels like a re run of his older brother and frankly I am struggling to keep it together. Somehow myself and my wife keep going despite the constant battering. He has now agreed to see a therapist and try anti depressants so I guess thats something - Calm

[Kwamina]

Hi again Calm Waters

Thanks for this update into your son's situation.

thanks to all of you for your support. I am pleased to report that my son is doing better, he is in supported accommodation near to where we live and seems to be more stable. There have been many false dawns but i am hopeful.

I am very happy that he's doing better now and has help in the form of supported accommodation. It has been a difficult time for all of you so it truly is great news that he seems to be more stable now!

However my other son now 19 who has been severely affected by his brother is now struggling. He has had IBS for a couple of years that have led to him losing his self confidence, he hasn't had a regular job since he left school 3 years ago, but does work when he feels he can. He's is depressed about his IBS and how it is affecting his life, its been worse since his brother jumped and he has tried really hard to support his older brother to his own detriment, he is angry and desperate but has written himself off refusing most forms of treatment. It feels like a re run of his older brother and frankly I am struggling to keep it together. Somehow myself and my wife keep going despite the constant battering. He has now agreed to see a therapist and try anti depressants so I guess thats something - Calm

I can understand how tough it must have been for your younger son witnessing everything that was going on with his brother. The irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) also isn't easy for him to have to deal with. Why do you feel he has written himself off and is refusing treatment? Does he feel like nothing will help him perhaps? It is positive though that he's agreed to see a therapist and I hope the medication will alleviate his depression.