Introduction story - first relationship was with a BPD partner

[SGraham]

                I am new here so this is kind of my introduction story, I'm sure that my story will sound like a broken record to many of you but I feel like writing it all out will be a good form of catharsis. Im also aware that it will seam very long but in order to capture the full breadth of how emotionally turbulent this experience has been, i feel that i have to talk about everything - all the way from the beginning. In a way I think explaining my situation will help me to deromanticise everything, otherwise right now The memories just hurt too much, and if anyone, now or down the road,  can relate to my story in any way and gain solace from it then I feel like I will have made a difference.

                So a little bit of background and a few disclaimers. Im a 19 year old soon heading off to university .So essentially my BPD ex girlfriend recently (and I mean like a few days as of me writing this) broke up with me and I'm still very confused and very hurt.I should add this was 1. My first relationship and 2. I was only made aware of her being BPD until the break up so if I did anything that was clearly a wrong move please forgive me as I'm new to this.

               There was this girl that I guess I could say I had a crush on, but I didn't think I wanted to try anything because it is very hard for me to be romantically attracted to anyone and i wasnt sure if i really liked her enough to pursue a serious relationship because i wouldn't want to enter into a casual relationship. Even though i had never been a relationship i knew that i took the idea of being in a relationship ver seriously. Eventually I got to the point where I told myself that life is too short to not try anything so I went for it. I managed to get a seat next to her in a mutual class and we began having great talks and eventually we started texting each other on a daily basis. A few weeks In I felt confident that she was at least somewhat interested in me so I asked her out. Our first date was incredible, I felt so comfortable around her and our senses of humour mixed so well, and at a few points it was a bit clumsy and awkward but almost in a sweet romance movie sort of way.

               It wasn't until after the second date when signs of her emotional problems became present. What happened was I was invited to a party at her house and before I showed up she became very intoxicated and began saying suicidal things. Her friend told me that that she (my girlfriend) really cared about me and that telling her that I was going to show up was the only thing that would calm her down. At one point she said and I quote "you don't want a crazy b*tch like me for a girlfriend because I might kill myself and you could get hurt". Knowing what I know now I guess that could be seen as manipulation and to be honest it did the trick. Far from wanting to leave her, I thought : how terrible would it be for me to just leave because she is going through something. She eventually had to go to the hospital and at the request of her sister, Who I know, I basically suicide proofed The whole house. It was all so screwed up that I was almost in shock to the point where I didn't faze me. Days later I had the chance to talk to her about it and I explained how I didn't care about the potential to get hurt and that I just wanted to be there for her if I could. I've had people accuse me of having a rescuer mentality but I do not think that's fair because I didn't go into this knowing that these problems would arise it's more that I value relationships so highly that I am willing to fight harder to preserve one.

                There was a brief period of awkwardness after that event which makes sense because our relationship was essentially made exponentially deeper literally overnight, however; the awkwardness faded and things started going better than ever. We really started to connect and it was really kind of magical for me because I was so new to this and she was a bit awkward so in a way we were both battling our insecurities together. I could tell she really cared about me and thought so highly of me. We eventually became more comfortable being physically affectionate towards each other, something that was previously very difficult for both of us, however; there were breaks in between where she would kinda go dark for awhile but then would always have a convincing reason why. So even though my anxiety was killing me, i ignored addressing it because i was so relieved. It continued like that for awhile and we eventually had our first kiss and made out, so I felt like things were going better than ever but then things really went downhill.

                  A little bit less than a week after we made out, Communication started to break down. This gave me a severe anxiety attack (I have moderate to severe anxiety) as I thought that maybe things were too intense for her. While her odd communication habits were taking their toll on my health I ignored it because the relationship mattered enough to me that i was willing to be patient and endure some hardship if it meant things would get better in the end. We talked about it and she explained that when she doesn't talk to me it's not that she doesn't like me it's that she doesn't have the emotional energy because her depression was flaring up again. I assured her that she was not a burden to me and that she could talk to me any time if she felt up to it and that i cared about her so much. The talk seemed really tense and stressful for her but I didn't give it much thought because I thought that's just natural for a talk of such a serious nature, i guess in retrospect it was probably a bit to much but i guess in the end id rather feel like i messed up by caring too much rather than too little. We hung out a few more times, some she seemed aloof amd others she seemed really into it so i wasn't really sure what to think. Then communication ended completely. It was evident that she was shutting me out so i wasnt really prepared to reach out to her. So i waited almost three agonising weeks wondering if/why our relationship was over and if she would ever reach out and explain why. It became apparent that she was never going to reach out and i didnt feel like i was quite ready to walk away so i figured i would try one last effort to understand why things ended. I texted her and basically explained how i was really confused, at just wanted to understand - even if it hurt my feelings. It was then that she informed me of her BPD and proceeded to send a series of BPD tumblr posts to articulate where she was coming from. They were all about how she (and i guess BPD in general) sometimes can suddenly drop all feelings for someone who they previously loved, or about how she has to distance herself from loved ones because it is too triggering.

                  The message was clear: i once loved you but now i either cant or dont. Im sure it is a little bit of both and i cant imagine how confusing that must be for her so im not mad at her and i dont want to be, but it still hurts so much. When i found this website an article started with: being in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder can bring anyone to their knees. When i read that i started crying because it is so true, i went into this relationship with so much emotional fortitude but now i have been beaten down so much that any emotional strength i once possessed is now gone. I have been through a lot of emotional strain: loss of loved ones, my parents messy divorce and even friends with severe depression and the implications that come with it but hurt i experienced through the entirety of this relationship was unreal because it was a constant mix of anxiety, confusion and pain. It is especially hard because i feel like i endured so much and was so patient and then it fell apart anyway. I hope this gives someone some solace or vindication and for me personally i just need to rebuild my emotional strength and forget the pain so that i can one day look back and cherish the beauty of her character and the good times we did have.

[Turkish]

Hello SG,

I'm sorry you are hurting so. You went in with the best intentions, yet the way it ended up is all too typical. Though she admitted to you her diagnosis, and take what she said to you to be truly how she feels and copes, it probably doesn't lessen the pain.

I agree that if you can cherish the good times, do so. Those were real. The other part of her, however, is also real. Reconciling the two is where many of us struggle. Take a look at the lessons in the right-hand margin. Keep posting if you need support. We're here for you.

Being called a "Rescuer" as you were is invalidating. Whether you are or not isn't the question. People with rescuer traits help make the world a better place. What is relavent is having good boundaries, which we alone define.

You've got a wise head on your shoulders to be reaching out for support and searching for answers. Whether clinical BPD like her, or women who just may be emotionally immature (who one could say have BPD traits, but may not be mentally ill), this board is about learning to deal with difficult personalities in positive ways. 28% of the population siffers from DSM level mental illnesses. It behooves us to educate ourselves to protect ourselves. You're still in college, then comes career. It doesn't go away. I entered the tech world at 20, and was randonly paired with a partner whom I judge in retrospect to have been BPD. She was a mess at home (everyone at work knew about her anger issues, but my lack of boundaries led me to learn about the alcoholism, DV, promiscuity, and even a mental ward commitment). She idealized me, then after years, coldly cut me off like *snap*.

As for the future, maybe this will help, SG:

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships



Turkish

[SGraham]

Turkish,

Thanks for the reply and the article, i found them very insightful and they made me look at my relationship with a more critical eye - not necessarily in a negative way simply a more objective way. Anyway, thanks again for the welcome, I have been pleasantly surprised at how welcoming this community is. I think it will be good for me to get involved with the community so that i may listen to the opinions of others and possibly even help someone if I can.

SG