Help grounding & thoughts of moving

[rawr27]

My daughter is 16 and has been diagnosed with BPD. The past two years we have been struggling with her attitudes and behaviors. She does well in school and works but she is drinking, doing drugs, and partaking in risky sexual behavior. She has seen two therapist and now a psychiatrist for the past two years. She doesnt seem to understand why she shouldnt be allowed to drink or do these other risky behaviors at her age. When she is grounded the same things occur we take away her car, phone, technology but it doesnt seem to work. She just gets a phone and drugs etc from her group of friends. Nothing we do seems to be working and the extreme behaviors are getting worse.


My wife travels with work and isn't here constantly and my ex-wife (my daughters mom) has been in and out of the picture and struggles with the concept of BPD and with being a parent and not a friend.  :)ue to these factors I am aware there are inconsistencies with rules and required behavior which i know doesn't help my daughter.

Part of me feels as though moving could be beneficial to get her away from the bad resources and give her a chance to start over but I am not sure if this will make things worse and bring up more emotions. My wife works out of state and my older step daughter is currently living there. There is a program there that meets twice a week once individual and once in a group that is specifically for BPD and offers DBT. I have had thoughts of moving her for the rest of the summer to live with her older step-sister and do this program however this means she will be leaving her job and kicked out of school extra circular activities at home. However, she is constantly struggling with having friends and these friends also provide the outlet to alcohol, drugs, and technology (when grounded from it). (plus none of there parents punish them for this inappropriate behavior which does not help)


I just feel as though I have run out of options and have no idea how to "ground" or "punish" her for breaking the rules and inappropriate behavior. Has anyone on here ever relocated their child? Has it helped? Do you think relocating her for a month would help or make it worse? SHould we relocate her for the rest of high school (for the next 2 years) or should we just stay where we are? Any suggestions for new things to try where we are? I am feeling completely lost and drained and simply have no idea where to go with all of this  or how to help her.

Sorry I know there are some previous threads about disciplining a BPD but i appreciate any and all input and help i can get! Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello rawr27 and welcome to the Parenting Board.  

I'm sorry to learn that your d16 has been dx with BPD and is engaging in risky/unhealthy behaviors.  Been through this with my teen daughter who was dx emerging BPD at 12.

Since they are so young and under our care and we are responsible for them we have the authority to help them when they won't help themselves.  I advise you to do everything within your power to protect her from long term consequences where you are able.  The time is quickly coming when you will have no parental control or authority.  

My daughter's world became smaller and smaller as her behaviors became increasingly dangerous and out of control.  Rather than wait until permanent negative consequences arrived that she would have to deal with for many years (and adding to her burdens) we chose to send her to an out of state Residential Treatment Facility.  This may or may not be an option for your family and it is the only relocation that I would recommend.  Our kids will seek and find a group that accepts them... .others with low self image which leads them to act out in negative ways (emmo subculture/self injurers, drug users, sexually acting out).  

If she has been in therapy for 2 years and her behaviors are getting worse instead of better taking a new route is justifiable.  Her behaviors are acting on her thoughts which dictate her emotions and manifest in her choices.  Belief systems and thinking errors become entrenched and more difficult to overcome as each year passes.  A 30 day program is unlikely to be enough to change her belief systems, thinking errors, or solidify the skills she needs to begin to turn her life around.

Parental support is key in recovery for pwBPD (people with BPD).  Should you choose to send her to WI until she is 18 how will you be an ever present source of support for her?  Parental guidance and the presence of her step sister and step mother is great and not the same as Mom and Dad.  Being out of options feels defeating for us.  Making wise choices for our kids is necessary and requires us to have a full working knowledge of the pros and cons we must weigh before we take a next step in a different direction.

I would also be concerned about step daughter.  Being an authority figure in the life of a teen is a difficult job that requires emotional stability, endurance, and skills.  Being an authority figure in the life of a teen with BPD requires all the above to the inth degree.  Can step daughter do this?  Would she want to?  What would you do if it is too much for her to handle or daughter continues on her present course while in another state?

Heavy discussion with much to consider.

lbj

[infiniteeyes]

Hello there

Our daughters sound like they could be the same person 

Our family situation is unique too as I am a single mum. And also have a younger daughter to a differnt Dad, who lives nearby and although we are not together, he is aware of our situation and lends support where he can.

My DD16 (almost) is engaging in all those behaviours too. And just doesnt seem to be able to help herself.

Punishments and groundings do not work with my daughter. Social services have also been involved with us since she was 8 yrs old due to false accusations, problems in school etc

I think that at 16 grounding is pointless anyway and only serves to increase their frustration and hatred towards us. Also if there are other children/siblings at home it is not fair on them to create a tense, fearful atmosphere.

Groundings with my daughter always resulted in something been broken, usually something of mine. Phones, cameras etc being smashed. Holes punched in walls. Threats of or actual self harm, suicidal gestures.

And after all that she would just climb out a window and leave anyway. Calling the cops deterred for a little while but never stopped her.

Her choice of friends is also poor. They appear to attract each other like magnets, dont they?

Natural consequences has been the way forward for my DD. She has also engaged in risky sex, coming home drunk and out of it at all hours. I am there to offer support if she asks for it. I have put her on birth control but warned that it wont protect her from STDs. That is all that I can do. Unfortunately there are no programmes in my area for drug/alcohol abuse at such a young age.

I would agree with lbjnltx that sending her to live in WI will probably not work out.

Her cheerleading and job are two very positive things in her life and I would work more towards encouraging these to blossom. Not easy i know.

I know from experience that sending my dd to live with her dad at 13 was a big mistake. It lasted 4 months and only caused more upset and confusion within our home when she came back.

I have accepted the fact that like Lbjntlx said, there is only a 2 year time frame now where we can help our daughters. So it is an important matter to use them wisely. There is always hope while we have the authority and the last say so on matters regarding our girls recovery.

I wish you all the best.

[Gerri]

My 20 y/o daughter w/BPD exhibited the same behaviors at 16 y/o.  I knew she had BPD at the time bit she was very resistant to therapy.  She hung out with a "bad" crowd and was doing all the things your daughter is doing.  I wanted to send her away also.  4 years later I am so glad I did not do that.  Her Dad and I welcomed her friends into our home, fed them and got to know them. It turned out they were lovely people.   They came from dysfunctional families and appreciated our stable, loving home.  This helped her see they we loved her and our rules based out of love not control.  I am not saying we did not have worries and sleepless nights.  She graduated from HS and moved out for a year.  During that time she sought therapy on her own volition and received her "official"  BPD diagnosis.  She moved back home at 20 y/o.  She continues with therapy and weekly DPT group.  She still has issues all related to her BPD and  is motivated to get better.  I am not saying all is perfect.  We know this is a lifelong process for her (and us.)  I firmly believe in the power of love.  That is what has gotten me through this.  Love your daughter  and let her know there is nothing she can do that will turn you away from her. 

[JustAMum]

I also have a d who is nearly 17yrs old. She also had the same type of behaviours minus the drug taking. She's scared to try drugs as she believes that they could cause her to become psychotic. There are times when I've also wanted to send her away. She tried to OD last year which resulted in her living with her Dad for several weeks. I also sent her to boarding school this year but saw her regularly during this time. She is now back at home with firm boundaries in place in relation to self harming behaviours. I'm not sure about sending your d away as I know my d needs continuous support and guidance. Even though there are times when she thinks she doesn't. I monitor who my d is spending time with and like others have said they seem to attract similar people to themselves. I guess it helps them to fit in somewhere. I try to keep the communication lines open to find out more about the type of people my d is hanging out with. It's stressful and at times exhausting parenting these kids. I know for me it's like holding my breath waiting for the next crisis to happen.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, rawr27 &

You've gotten lots of good advice and similar stories to your own; how are things going today?

Have you made a decision as to how to handle your situation?

Has anything changed with your daughter?

Please keep us in the loop, rawr27