So I guess it's over. I couldn't take the abuse. Just wasn't right. I still love her but know she's not capable of trusting and being vulnerable. She's all projection and distancing and abuse. Has her therapist buffaloed. And really distrusted mine who I paid for couple sessions while I lived there. She'll probably never contact me again but I had to get out of the triangle and abuse.
Toni,
Welcome to the group ... .here you won't find any judgement ... .but guidance, assistance and acceptance. I would encourage you to learn all you can about BPD and it sounds like the group is pointing things out for you. I've read "I love you, I hate you ... .don't leave me", "stop walking on eggshells" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" all at the library and of course everything I can on the web. But like everything in life, not every website or book will 100% pertain to you so keep that in mind when you read and research. No two people regardless of the situation are alike.
In response to your comment, "She'll probably never contact me again" ... .trust me ... .your ex BPD gf WILL contact you. It might be a couple of days, months or years ... .but she will contact you, reach out to you. One ex BPD gf who I hadn't thought about in years, wiggle her way into my families life after 18 years after she heard of my divorce. She managed to get my phone number, email address and constantly text me, calls me ... .i choose not to answer the calls or respond to her text ... .No Contact, (NC). My second ex BPD gf is recent and she is in another relationship ... .but still texts me, FB me, calls me ... .she is a little more responsive to her BPD condition, sees a therapist on a regular basis and I've known her for 30 plus years. I currently live in a different state so I don't anticipate any reunion any time soon but the situation is fluid and dynamic but like you I have my boundaries and she knows this. I won't be part of any triangle ... .and she knows this. I've learned that BPDs need boundaries to be enforced in order for their behavior to change and there is evidence to show that BPDs need the boundaries ... .they might fight them like a 3 year old but it's structor.
First and foremost you need to take care of yourself. Learned to keep saying NO ... .NO to physical abuse, NO to mental abuse, NO to emotional abuse ... .these are boundaries and you deserve better. You have describe what I'm sure a lot of us have already been though. Trianglulation, distancing, push / pull, need for control, gas lighting, projections, and turning family and friends against you.
What you'll learn is that this is a learned behavior ... .someone with BPD has the behavior level of a 3 year old ... .have you ever tried to reason with a 3 year old? Have you ever had a conversation with a 3 year old and tried to make since of it? It's the same thing. The three C ... .YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU Can't Cure it ... .YOU can't Control it! Learn it, know it, live it and you'll be that much farther ahead in the game. Put them on posted notes on the mirror and fridge to constantly remind you of this. Vortex points out to some great communication tools and other tools here on the website.
BPD had something happen to them early in their life to cause this behavior as a way to survive the horrible life they were having. My ex BPD gf suffered not days or months but years of sexual abuse on nearly a daily basis from her older brother starting at the age of 4. She suffered physical and mental abuse from her older sister starting the same age time frame and both cause emotional abuse. This went on for a number of years ... .with a absent father and a mother who was BPD it's no wonder they tried to find a safe place within their own mind. I mean if you think about it, your mother and father have told you to look to your older brother, sister for guidance, assistance, to help protect you from the bad things in the world ... .and their the monsters that are attacking you. I can't imagine the daily horrible things she must have suffered ... .it doesn't excuse their behavior but I understand better why she is the way she is.
Reading and researching I've learned how to "manage your BPD" ... .how to communicate with them ... .but that doesn't mean I want to have any long term relationship with them. Research has shown that a BPD person will never get better ... .will need to see a therapist for the rest of their lives and that the ones the stay with them will suffer a lifetime of health issues and will more than likely shorten their life in part due to the enormous amount of stress on their mind, body and soul trying to manage their relationship with this S/O with BPD. I drew the line at other BFs with her, she took me to one of her therapy sessions and this came up. I told the Dr. that this was a boundary of mine. He told me that a exclusive, monogamous relationship will probably not happen with her. Like you it was at that point that I decided that I wanted more in a relationship, that I deserve more in a relationship ... .so I decided that I would never continue to pursue her or a relationship with her. Moving across the country has helped and conditions are that she won't follow me anytime soon.
As far as leaving the 23 relationship ... .you left for a reason. I was told that a person male or female doesn't leave a relationship if their getting all their needs met ... .this not only includes sexual needs, but intimate level conversations, interest, friendship, mutual respect, etc. Chances are you were just going through the motions and settled for the relationship you were in because you didn't know what else might be out there ... .just a theory. Like I said, no one here including me will ever judge you for anything ... .we are all human, and being human we make mistakes or learning lessons and move on.
If your serious about not wanting to continue the relationship ... .then you need to go full NO CONTACT (NC). Change your phone number ... .easy enough to do via the respective carrier website and doesn't cost you anything. DO NOT answer any test, or emails ... .in fact put her email in your span folder so you'll never see them. Unfriend her on FB ... .have your family and friends not answer any of her questions or inquiries and NOT EVER GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER OUT.
Like a couple of others I suggest you seek out some therapy for yourself as we all have ... .you'll be amazed how much it actually does help and maybe the reason you did what you did in order to prevent you from doing it again. Take some time for yourself ... .self reflect, self evaluation, and start to enjoy things again. Go out with a buddy this weekend to see the new Mission Impossible movie and grab a burger and a beer. Within 4-6 weeks ... .A VERY SHORT TIME ... .you'll start to feel better ... .those memories and feeling will start to fade ... .and then before you know it you'll be interested in dating again. By then you've learned a little bit more about yourself ... .you've learned a little but about life ... .and you've called friends and buddies you haven't spoken to in a while ... .you'l be enjoying life again ! YOU deserve to be happy, YOU deserve to not have to worry about the abuse ... .
Remember NO CONTACT! Keep us in the loop ... .I wish you peace and strength
JQ
