How can I help my child?

[Quama]

Hi,

This is my first time here and I am hopeful, scared, sad, exhausted, hurt, angry, disappointed and lost.  And it's a pretty good day.  My 15 year old child has the traits of borderline personality disorder, and anxiety, depression and an eating disorder of sorts.  Our journey began about 3 years ago when she started acting out and cutting herself.  And it's just gone downhill from there.  She has blown through countless psychiatrists and psychologists and even went to a six week program. Very expensive, and the only tangible thing that resulted was that she is far more vocal about how she feels.  All the time!  And bad feelings are usually my fault.  OK, I can deal with that.  But she's been out of school for over a year, in and out of counseling and programs, and doesn't seem to think the rules apply to her.  She's refusing to go to school, even independent study.  She sleeps all day, rarely leaves the house and gets mad at everyone around her during most outings.  I know her worst fear is abandonment but I also think I'm failing her as a parent if I just let her stay with me.  If she doesn't listen to me or go to school or counseling, I feel like a residency program is my only option.  It makes me so sad to think of that but she needs more help than I can give.  I would very much appreciate advice from parents who have gone through this.  Thank you in advance!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Quama &

I'm so sorry for all of the stress and pain you are going through with your daughter... .Everything you are dealing with is familiar to the parents on the Board, and we are all so very glad you have found us 

There are parents of teenagers here who have admitted their children to a Residential Treatment Center (there is information here: RTC, IOP Treatment Center Member Archive), and I'm sure that they will answer your questions and give you their thoughts regarding their experiences.

My own son completed a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Program, and this Center gave him his BPD diagnosis and DBT treatment. He has been in recovery ever since (almost 2.5 years) for his symptoms and behaviors that included ADD, Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideations and a drug addiction. He is quite a bit older than your daughter (he's 38 now), but we do credit the Program with his turn-around... .

One thing you can do right now is to check out that link I gave you above, and also check out the TOOLS and THE LESSONS (and all of the other links) to the right-hand side of this page... .It is so helpful to learn how your daughter's mind works and the communication tools and techniques that help with dealing with her, and it will really help you get a handle on it all.

Please tell us more of your story, and read all you can on this site; we understand what you are going through and really want to help you, Quama 

[twojaybirds]

Thank you for sharing your story.  Your angst is so very real to most all of us here.

I wished I could have admitted my dd to a residential program, however her symptoms exploded inline with her turning 18 and all of that was out of my hands as she was an adult.

Someone said to me that she was carving her own path through the world and they were right.

However I have owned that statement for myself, realizing I am carving my path as well.  Grab all the tools you need to keep you going  down a safe (emotional, physical,)  path for you. 

There are many tools here on this board.

Keep coming back for more.  It's why we are here.

[Quama]

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and supportive messages.   

The last psychiatrist we saw basically told me that Mia needed boundaries and I was not providing enough structure and consequences.  So if/when she ended up on drugs, no education, hurting herself, it was going to be my fault.

That was tough.  I hear it from my family and friends.  But they haven't had to sit for weeks/months on suicide watch for their own child, so I'm not sure they understand the fear of triggering a major event.

My inner voice says there is truth in both.  I need set boundaries in a loving way.  I am working on it.

She's been at grandparents for 2 weeks.  We needed the space, it was not healthy at our home. 

Now I've prepared a "contract" that we'll discuss, amend and finally sign together.  Basically, if she doesn't agree or follow, she goes into short or long term treatment.  I think this puts the ball in her court.  I don't know how much of her behavior is under her control or not.  But I know she wants to be at home.  So if she can control it, she will.  If not, we go back to residency program.  I don't know another way.  I can't keep doing what we have been doing for the past 6 months.  And I know it's not helping her.  Something must change but I don't want it to be yet another "trauma" that she counts against me.

Any advice is most welcome!

Again, thank you for being here 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Quama,

And welcome to the Parenting board.

I can hear your love and concern for your daughter. And I must say that you are ahead of the curve in realizing that if what you are doing isn't working, something needs to change. She is 15 and so there is hope - you have lots of control in the situation while she is a minor, and the earlier the intervention happens in life, the bigger chances for her healthy development.

Welcome again, this is a safe place and a good learning place (lots of resources - articles, book recommendations, and workshops). There are lots of skills we can learn to help our children. We cannot control them, but we contribute to the over-all dynamic in their environment and the more skilled we get at navigating the situations, the bigger chances there are for positive results.

My inner voice says there is truth in both.  I need set boundaries in a loving way.  I am working on it.

That's a wonderful approach, and spot on. It is a learning process, though, and it takes a lot of effort. And you will make progress and there will be ups and downs and you will also make mistakes along the way as nobody's perfect (so be kind to yourself as you learn).  

So if she can control it, she will.

She might make an effort at controlling herself in order to stay home, there will also be another force: her resistance to new boundaries and wanting to go back to status quo and wanting to shed her new responsibilities - that is normal and common and it can be a very strong push-back. Not being surprised by it and being ready for it can save you a lot of grief. Here is a piece from the right-hand panel --->

that might be of help in this process: https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/06.htm

Have you had a chance to read any of the books on BPD? There are some very good ones out there.

[Quama]

Thank you for your terrific feedback. 

I've started reading about BPD and appreciate all of the reading suggestions.  I'll check out the resources on the site thoroughly and am so grateful this community exists.  I have a lot to learn so sharing experiences, getting feedback from other parents and advice on which tools work with BPD is going to be absolutely critical for me. 

Today my dd comes home after 2 weeks away and I now feel more prepared for it. 

I cannot thank you enough!   

[pessim-optimist]

sharing experiences, getting feedback from other parents and advice on which tools work with BPD is going to be absolutely critical for me.

Today my dd comes home after 2 weeks away and I now feel more prepared for it.

That's good, it's likely to be a bumpy ride, so if/when there are any surprises, keeping a calm head is important.

Keep us posted, we're here for you.