Did you KNOW how it was going to end?

[gameover]

I see a lot of people here who were totally caught completely off guard by their breakup.  Or who realize red flags they overlooked.  But I'm curious to see if anyone else had moments of clarity where they KNEW exactly how their relationship was going to end before it happened?

I know I did at various times throughout my relationship.  I knew my BPDexgf was going to get so insecure one day that she would leave me.  And I suspected that she would go back to her supposedly horrible ex from several years ago (which she did).  I even brought up my concerns to her, which she denied.



Loose Timeline of Moments of Clarity

-A few days after I first hooked up with her I told our mutual friend (who also has BPD, I think  ) who set us up that:  "BPDexgf is a sweet girl, but I almost feel like she wants me to screw her over."  

-A few weeks into seeing each other I told BPDexgf:  "I feel like you're more worried about losing your exes than you are about keeping me."  

-6 months into relationship, BPDexgf gets catatonic over thinking I'm flirting with our coworkers.  Tell her that one day she's going to get so insecure that she's going to leave me and there'll be nothing I can do.  

-A year into the relationship, my BPDexgf rages at me (only time in our relationship) because she's convinced I'm sleeping with her mom  .  I go online, learn about BPD, figure out my ex has it.  Realize how the relationship is going to end, but decide Well, I'm having fun and quickly forget.  Months later we're talking about marriage.  

-4 months before the b/u I find out my BPDexgf is liking all her exes posts on Instagram.  Call her out on it.  She cries, says she'll delete all her social media.  Promises she's 100% over her ex.  I let it go.  

-1 week before b/u BPDexgf asks for space.  I say OK--find out she's texting her ex.  We break up.  :)o a short physical recycle for a couple weeks before I find out she hooked up with her ex.



But when things finally went down, I felt like I didn't see it coming (of course, everything else was nonstop honeymoon--and none of this really seemed to drastic over the course of 2 years).  But I don't feel that she misled me so much as I misled myself.  I knew how it ended.  I would come up for air, see the reality and decide the fantasy was better.  Can anyone else relate?

[zundertowz]

I knew exactly how it was gonna end... .the last 6 months of our relationship was a pattern of her splitting me black, giving me the silent treatment while verbally abusing me thru txt, assaulting me, and then threatening me that if I didn't leave the house she would call the cops and tell them I beat her... this happened twice, first time I took all the blame and begged her to come back... .second time she begged me to come back... .third time I was done... .I knew it was coming and I promised myself I wasn't going thru that again. 

[SGraham]

 In a word, no.

[gameover]

@zundertowts Damn, dude.  That's hardcore.  Not gonna lie, the FOG is killer and walking is hard.  

There was one time my exgf and I were watching a movie lying down.  She made a sudden move to give me a wet raspberry and my knee jerk reaction was to cover myself with my elbow.  I bumped her head a little bit.  She was very upset--and accused me of hitting her.  From that moment (2 months in) and knowing what she said about her exes, I've been hypersensitive to possible accusations of domestic abuse.  Luckily, it never came to that and I think she forgot that particular incident.

[zundertowz]

@zundertowts Damn, dude.  That's hardcore.  Not gonna lie, the FOG is killer and walking is hard.  

There was one time my exgf and I were watching a movie lying down.  She made a sudden move to give me a wet raspberry and my knee jerk reaction was to cover myself with my elbow.  I bumped her head a little bit.  She was very upset--and accused me of hitting her.  From that moment (2 months in) and knowing what she said about her exes, I've been hypersensitive to possible accusations of domestic abuse.  Luckily, it never came to that and I think she forgot that particular incident.

Yea it got pretty brutal... .in fairness to her I think I may have checked out in the last year of the relationship and that triggered her big time. 

[Learning_curve74]

I was with my exBPDgf twice and didn't know how it was going to end either time. However, I know that I put up with behavior that would've caused other men to break up with her much quicker. I basically excused behavior that most other people world find inexcusable.

And similar to your situation, gameover, my exBPDgf also made contact with one of her exes, a guy she had repeatedly called the police on. She didn't tell me, and I only found out through a third party, and that should've been a big red flag.

I do believe that some people are caught unaware, but I broke up with her the first time and we came to a mutual decision the second time. I think one reason people may get blindsided ideas that they get used to the bad behaviors, it becomes normal to them. But if they were on the outside looking in, say as the best friend of the nonBPD partner, they would probably see all the unhealthy aspects of the relationship.

Now that you seem to feel there were many problems that pointed towards the end of the relationship, where are you in your healing? Are you beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner? Are you happy to be out?

[gameover]

Hey @learning_curve74

I'm about 7 weeks out of the official relationship, 3 weeks out of the physical.  Still living together, hanging out, talking--but I'm very clear on my boundaries and she's been respectful of that.  She'll be moving out in 3 weeks.

For me, as far as being confident in my sense of being, I'm close to 100%.  Letting go of the future dreams is still tough.  From time to time I still feel the crunch of eggshells talking to other girls  .  As far as enmeshment goes, I went through equally tough 'breaks' from my NPD father and borderline-esqe mother several years ago.  So I've done this before, dealt with FOG and established healthy relationships with both my parents on the other side.

As far as beating myself up, no.  If I could go back in time I would do it again.  I spent two years with a generous, devoted, adventurous girl, had a blast.  She invested just as much, if not more, in our relationship than I did.  Even weighing her issues, our relationship was just as rewarding and fulfilling as any relationship with a NON--just with smaller margin for error.  If she hadn't slept with someone else, I'd have no reason not to give it another go; but that's a deal breaker for me.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey gameover, it sounds like you're in a pretty good headspace right now which is healthy. 

I lived with my exgf a while after splitting up too. It wasn't a great experience, but we got through it. Like you, I was glad we tried to be together. There were good times and bad times, and I learned a lot about myself and what I really want.

Good for you for enforcing your boundaries. That is you protecting yourself, something that often is ignored in these types of relationships. Best wishes to you!

[FannyB]

First time around I saw the end coming as her behaviour was getting more and more bizarre (triggered by the stress of an impending new job).

When we re-cycled, I told a confidante that it would last 3 months. It did, almost to the day. I had 10 weeks of near perfection, then I could feel her distancing and detaching. Knowing she had BPD I wouldn't leave her (didn't want to give her an easy route to victimhood) but waited for her to blow up. I told my confidante that I wished my ex would hurry up and end it as it was starting to irritate me.  Second time around I wasn't hurt by her behaviour - just annoyed and disappointed. Bit like she used to get with me! 

[disorderedsociety]

I would go off and drive her car (I didn't even have my own means of transportation when I was with her) for a reason that would be innocuous and I would hear that song that goes, "when I wake up I'm afraid somebody else is gonna take my place" and it vibed with something in me even though I don't really like Top 40

Well that was a way of my true self saying hey, that could happen. And I didn't know why it would happen like that cause I thought she loved me. But it happened.

[greenmonkey]

I endured a year of her disappearing, silent treatment, lies, painting me black to anyone who would listen, her leeching off me and not contributing a penny towards living etc etc, Rages where the police were called on one occasion and she got a caution.

I could have waited until she upped and left other own accord with her new shiny toy or else I did what i did I got her out of my life because of the emotional and psychological damage she was doing to me.

I made that decision and took control back of my own life, I saw her for what she was - it disgusted me and I looked after me and put me me and my family first.

Could I have foreseen it no - I had no reason to not believe what she said - once the truth became apparent I looked out for me

[GreenEyedMonster]

YES.  Totally.  100%.  I called it a long time before it happened, even though I didn't want to believe it . . .

-The projection was so fierce that my exBPD would just tell me what I would have done or thought in certain situations.  When our relationship first became physical, this left me concerned that he would rape me.  He didn't seem to need to ask me how I felt about anything. (Maybe three weeks in.)

-I was in a very long relationship before this with a non-BPD.  When I had to confront exBPD about a minor conflict, I called exNON instead and said, "I know this is pathetic, but I am having this conversation with you because I can't figure out how to say it to my new boyfriend."  exNON told me to get the heck out of the relationship.  (Five weeks in.)

-When I got up the courage to actually have the discussion mentioned above with exBPD, he cut me down and called me "childish" for my concerns.  (Of course, he flipped it and did the same thing to me later.)

-It became apparent very early on that our physical relationship would occur on exBPD's terms only.  I didn't dare say anything to him about it, based on the experience above.

-After a night of having my physical needs ignored, I got up the next day and said to exBPD, "You have such a strong sense of justice.  I dread the day I end up on the wrong side of it."  Because I knew I would.

-One time he went on a ten-minute rant about a medical professional who had dared make a health suggestion to him and how she should be fired . . . and this happened 25 years ago in another state.  I knew this guy had a sh-- list and I would end up on it.

-"I feel like you're just going to dump me tomorrow," I said one day.  And he did.

There are so many more things I could list.  But yeah, I knew it would end like this.

[Pretty Woman]

The optimism or perhaps the naievity in me thought things were "getting better".  We hadn't fought in close to a year and she stuck with me through my surgery... .

In retrospect there just weren't any triggers during that time and I was detaching physically so she couldn't really push/pull me.  Because of all the fights and dumpings I totally let my condo go. It's almost like an episode of hoarders. I was so depressed. Still am, as I try to sort through the mess. She overwhelmed me completely and I harbored a lot of resentment from being abandoned a zillion times and leaving a nice person to go back to her. I was tired and worn out.

When she left me this time it was right before a very expensive trip to Mexico. She kept asking "do you really love me" and "do you think we will be ok in Mexico"? Of course I reassured her.

I know she was also stressed because her nephew was graduating HS and her sister works with me and hates me. She wanted to go to the graduation but feared she wouldn't be invited. I also threw her a huge birthday and invited all her exes (because these are her only "" friends). I know THAT was a huge trigger! A lot of lies came out at that party once some exes met other exes they were pitted against at one time or another.

So I do think all those triggers led to this final discard.  I was mad at myself and still am a little. I put a lot of time and effort into this relationship and she ran off with some chick from our meetup group. I've already seen them at places we used to go to... .I just keep on moving. She's friends with her sister again who threatened my job at work. I honestly wish I never met this person.  They say life gives you lessons.  I would have rather be single for life than have had to experience this.

PW

[sas1729]

One thing I've learned from reading other people's stories on this forum is just how often it seems people are caught by surprise during a breakup. In my own experience I knew when it was going to end because I was the one who ended it.

Looking back, I guess I did know for months that the relationship needed to end. Of course I didn't want it to end, so I fought against my better instinct. Some instances stand out in my memory. A fight that led to my birthday plans being unfulfilled. A bitter fight about seeing my parents when they came to town. Etc. Such instances compounded and I knew that it had to end.

[Pretty Woman]

SAS,

   That is so true. I knew this had to end... .unfortunately I did not pull the trigger.  Huge fights about nothing before big events. I was dumped before Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.  I was so isolated from my family and friends because they could see this wasn't healthy.

So many   

[zundertowz]

One thing I've learned from reading other people's stories on this forum is just how often it seems people are caught by surprise during a breakup. In my own experience I knew when it was going to end because I was the one who ended it.

Looking back, I guess I did know for months that the relationship needed to end. Of course I didn't want it to end, so I fought against my better instinct. Some instances stand out in my memory. A fight that led to my birthday plans being unfulfilled. A bitter fight about seeing my parents when they came to town. Etc. Such instances compounded and I knew that it had to end.

I wonder if people were really surprised they were dumped or the way they were dumped... .even though I choose too not go back I'm pretty sure that she would have discarded me sooner or later.  I guess maybe I found this website while in the relationship so I kinda knew what was coming and that it was a lost cause.

[joeramabeme]

Guess I knew when she pushed me into therapy 5 years ago.  The therapist helped me work through some core issues with my Mother/family.  After completing the work, I could see how unhealthy that bond was and that I needed to let them go or at least put a lot of distance between myself and them if I was going to be free of a lot of painful interactions. 

During these T sessions I also realized that I had formed a bond with my uBPDw using the same emotional structure as with my family.  My suspicion was that breaking the unhealthy attachment to my FOO would be the undoing of my marriage as well.

  It is possible that over time, your limit setting will lead to the BP taking a hard look at themselves and deciding to seek help. Or the BP would devalue you, accuse you of abandoning her, and claim that she never wants to see again.”

It was exactly the later that happened in my case.

[Dutched]

Short:  yes I KNEW how it was going to end.

Predicted the end several years before. Told it, with exw present, during a session in couples therapy (of course I was the crazy one)

But NO, not the moment, YES the sudden cut in an uncontrollable outburst (as exw did at age 18 towards her parents/family) and NO not the effects despite all.

Predicted after that break how exw would end up and guess, exw did.

Behind a façade a ‘happy 4ever’. But HF, she even can’t afford to break up. That façade, for which a HF is most vulnerable, must stay intact at all costs, special now, special towards kids/family and their social circle. In time living the same unfulfilling life again with universal ‘the best ever happened to me’.

Anyway, it was all she could get…

Just imagine how proud one feels when a plan finally comes together at midlife.

[Conundrum]

The end was written long before I met her. In early childhood--alpha and omega--first and last. When innocence and essence were stolen--replaced by the seeds of disorder.

Did I know that, yes.

For me, it was more about the journey than the destination.

And it was an amazing journey.

I was the fulcrum to her lever until childhood terrors subsumed the system.

As all things change.       

[valet]

Yeah, I knew that she would leave. I just didn't expect her to do it after we had nicely hung out all week and gone out and had a good night at the movies.

In hindsight, I would have never left her. I was committed, despite the abuse.

This was a learning experience for me. I wouldn't make the same choices again unless actual concrete steps were made to fix things.

In a lot of ways, I find that I am still angry. It sometimes feels like she didn't try, to me. I know that this isn't how she saw it. I watched her struggle with her emotions. They crippled her, tore her to pieces. They will continue to do so unless she seeks therapy, and my intuition doubts that she ever will. I feel sad about this from time to time.

Although we are friends, I still struggle with some of those emotions. She did make choices that ended up hurting me. She still is, but I am getting better at managing the pain. She is not responsible for my emotions, and I am not responsible for hers. They are each our own. I have seen the good and the bad. The good is special to be, but it doesn't exist without the bad, not for her or any of us. When I realized that they were part of one being (her), true detachment began.

I'm now sorting through the pain of the illusion falling away. There was an 'us', but not that one that I had projected onto the relationship.

[Dr56]

I wonder if people were really surprised they were dumped or the way they were dumped... .even though I choose too not go back I'm pretty sure that she would have discarded me sooner or later.  I guess maybe I found this website while in the relationship so I kinda knew what was coming and that it was a lost cause.

I was genuinely shocked both at being left, and at how she ended it . . . but unlike you I had no understanding of BPD, had never heard of this website, and was therefore completely ignorant about what I was dealing with. It was only after my T pointed me this way, and with the benefit of 6 months of education, that I can see the seeds were sown a long time ago, and the end was inevitable. Had someone pointed me here before the break up, I imagine I'd have known the end was neigh. 

But with no knowledge of BPD, my head was absolutely spinning as I was abruptly painted black/white, subject to tirades, held to impossible double standards, and accused of misdeeds and infractions from trivial events that occurred almost a decade before and that I couldn't even recall. My wife's dysregulation around the time she moved out was really unlike anything I'd seen from her before (or at least was the first time I saw all the nasty BPD traits unleashed simultaneously in such a dramatic way). Lots of people close to me were quite baffled as well when I told them how she was behaving - very out of character from what they knew of her too (she's quite high functioning - which probably compounds the confusion). I was trying to deal with it like someone navigating your run of the mill relationship problems, clueless about what I was up against.

I think the painting white, particularly when it happens rapidly after a black period, is something that's absolutely impossible to grasp when you're not familiar with BPD and when your in the throws of it, and makes it very tough to conclude that something's fatally wrong. Right before she moved out, and before I'd learned about BPD yet, I spent time describing to friends and family how only a couple weeks earlier she'd written me the sweetest, kindest Valentines Day card, in which she said she felt our bond was going stronger, was so in love and happy in our marriage, etc. Nobody I spoke to could make sense of that dramatic swing from such pronounced displays of affection to completely devaluing me and the whole relationship, almost overnight.  She's painted me white again

My T has helped me to see that in the waning few months of the relationship, before she left, I was probably slowly "checking out" myself; not to say that I wanted to leave, but more that my gut was beginning to tell that me the relationship I thought I had wasn't the one I actually had; I was becoming disillusioned, albeit very gradually. My boundaries had solidified, I'd matured greatly since we met - and as her behavior became more and more bizarre (a few major triggers had emerged in a short span in the year and half or so before our break up), I was probably starting to look around and sense that my wife couldn't offer me a truly interdependent relationship.

Nonetheless, I never thought she was going to abruptly walk out on me while trashing the whole relationship and accusing me of some absolutely crazy stuff. So yeah, I was surprised.

[Dr56]

Got cut off mid-sentance in the above, but meant to say that she's painted me white since leaving, then black again, and I'm able to see it for what it is; my reaction is very different from before now that I see it for what it is.

Also meant to say the end was nigh, not neigh. My wife isn't a horse. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Yes, I knew what was coming.  Although I didn't know the particulars and NEVER dreamed it would be as bad as it has been. 

At the time we met, my exBPDbf was in the midst of a very rough spot in his life.  I was sympathetic and supportive and had not intended to become involved with him.  But alas, I let myself get swept up in the idealization, intensity and drama. 

Very early on (about month 2), I told a friend that the r/s only had a REAL chance if we ended it, let him deal with his own sh*t, and then reconnected down the road.  I was afraid (I knew) that if we stayed together the r/s would end up destroying one or both of us.  And boy was I right. 

I didn't heed my own warning.  It continued for 6 more months and then ended in destruction the likes of which I never imagined.  I am still dealing with the repercussions many months post-b/u.  As is my daughter.  As is my extended family.

I totally called it.  I was right.  I am sorry I didn't listen to myself way back then. 

The good news is that although I (unfortunately) ignored my instincts back then, I have confirmed that my instincts are good.  Spot on.  Moving forward, I can trust them.  The task is to do so.   

[rotiroti]

@zundertowts Damn, dude.  That's hardcore.  Not gonna lie, the FOG is killer and walking is hard.  

There was one time my exgf and I were watching a movie lying down.  She made a sudden move to give me a wet raspberry and my knee jerk reaction was to cover myself with my elbow.  I bumped her head a little bit.  She was very upset--and accused me of hitting her.  From that moment (2 months in) and knowing what she said about her exes, I've been hypersensitive to possible accusations of domestic abuse.  Luckily, it never came to that and I think she forgot that particular incident.

Dude, are you me?

I had a similar incident where she tickled me while we were laying down and I head-butted her right in the nose.

I wonder if I'm painted like Hulk Hogan.




As for topic, yes. I was friends with my ex for a long time before we got involved. My suspicions were always there and I had built certain walls up, when the ST/criticising came I knew what to do. It was still difficult to let go of the dream and it does surface time to time.

[Michelle27]

I didn't know how it was going to end for most of the relationship, but for the last few years of the marriage, I did assume that without some major change, it was going to end because I was going to put an end to it when I'd had enough.  I just didn't know what that was going to look like.  I even tried a 3 month "therapeutic separation" in which I thought having the space to heal would help me while he supposedly worked towards getting therapy.  Instead, I think his attempts at working on it just gave him the language to use with me that made it appear that he was working on himself.  Nope, it was all an elaborate ruse to make me think things were ok.  I finally listened to my gut and realized I couldn't do it anymore... .pretend things were ok when they weren't and continue to act like we were working towards reconciliation.

I was more than right.  Within a month of final separation he has at least two different replacements, and probably more. And he has basically ignored our daughter spending all of 5 hours with her in 6 weeks despite living less than 5 minutes from where she and I live.  So pathetic.

[joeramabeme]

I didn't know how it was going to end for most of the relationship, but for the last few years of the marriage, I did assume that without some major change, it was going to end because I was going to put an end to it when I'd had enough.  I just didn't know what that was going to look like.  I even tried a 3 month "therapeutic separation" in which I thought having the space to heal would help me while he supposedly worked towards getting therapy.  Instead, I think his attempts at working on it just gave him the language to use with me that made it appear that he was working on himself.  Nope, it was all an elaborate ruse to make me think things were ok.  I finally listened to my gut and realized I couldn't do it anymore... .pretend things were ok when they weren't and continue to act like we were working towards reconciliation.

Thanks for sharing that.  My friend recommended a therapeutic separation, she would not go with that.  I suspect that she was confused to some degree because on the one hand she said separation with no reconciliation and on the other hand when I served her papers she was irate and said that she just wanted a separation.

I imagine that it is just as or more difficult for the pwBPD as well as us.  My sense is that during those times when we are trying to level set with them, and we feel it is a "ruse" that is the internal look inside to their emotional world.