Guilt and long lasting effects

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Abbreviated background:  Used to be married to an undiagnosed BPD.  We had a 9 yr relationship and I went through about a year of enforcing boundaries and working hard to save our relationship until I realized that I couldn't protect our son anymore.  

Our relationship was riddled with physical and emotional abuse including abuse against me and our 4 dogs, but eventually I developed rock solid boundaries and when we broke up, he knew that if he stepped out of line that I would not hesitate to call the police and press charges.  Since then he has recognized his own BPD, has done some therapy and uses management techniques like mindfulness.  We co-parent together well and he asks for help from me (in appropriate ways) when he is struggling.  I am honest with when I need support (not emotional support, ever) from him and he does a good job for the most part of providing it.  As long as he doesn't become abusive, I try to be flexible and be there for him.  I like my ex-husband and despite our history, we get along well.  I dare say... .its almost a BPD success story.  Its been about a year and a half since we split... .but feels much longer.

Today I took my largest dog to the vet for issues with his backend.  His joints are a mess and riddled with arthritis.  He caught the majority of the physical abuse.  I tried hard to stop it.  Sometimes even putting  myself between them (stupid, but I did).  The last 6 months of our relationship, hurting the dogs was a non negotiable.  Long story short, the issues have to do with 2 of my 165 lb dog's vertebrae being fused together.  The vet said that it was probably an old trauma.  It dawned on me that its likely the result of the physical abuse that he suffered from my ex.

I am a different person today.  Confident, happy, working hard on myself, a stable and good mom... . 

Oh boy did the grief and the sadness and some memories of particularly bad abuse flood back.  My mind kept saying "you did not protect him.  he was YOUR responsibility."  In our house, it was triage.  First my son's physical and emotional safety... .then (generally) mine and finally the dogs.  It was a choice.  That choice had consequences.  One which will now likely cause pain the rest of my shepherd's life... .which may be short or long depending on how well he responds to the meds.  What a hard, hard pill to swallow.  My closest friend who was (and still is) the only person that knew the whole story said today in response to my guilt over this "I know that this doesn't help but at least it wasn't you or your son."  

He is right.  I know that.  I don't have horrible emotional scars... .my son was 18 months old when his dad left.  The memories of violence and instability are gone (at least from his conscious mind) and as of today he seems like a healthy and balanced kid.  Importantly he has a father who is more stable and is very present in his life (and a mom who watches like a hawk and will not hesitate to pull the plug if and when his dad comes off the rails).  

I know my dog needs a strong owner today and being guilt ridden will not help him.  I shared my suspicions with the vet (I had alluded to issues in the past) and she said, "you got your son and your dogs and you out of a bad situation.  Good for you.  Now you just make the best decisions based on the situation that you have now."

But oh my heart aches watching my dog struggle, unable to walk and I know that I need to process the hurt inside because if I don't, it will come back and bite me later... . the voice just keeps saying "you did not protect him.  he was YOUR responsibility."

It won't do any good to share any of this with my ex.  He has come a long way.  He has openly acknowledged the pain and suffering that he caused in our house and has vowed to work hard to continue to be a good dad and good ex husband to me.  Telling him about this and his likely role isn't a good idea (serves no good purpose).  He spends time with our dogs (I kept all of them) and is gentle and kind to them when he visits these days.

So I am reaching out to the community that helped me so much... .for support.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?  I am physically overwhelmed with grief and my heart hurts.  I have a migraine from crying today (my normal physical reaction to intense sadness).

Tomorrow I will put my game face back on and head back into the world.  But for tonight, I feel broken again.

[allibaba]

Abbreviated background:  Used to be married to an undiagnosed BPD.  We had a 9 yr relationship and I went through about a year of enforcing boundaries and working hard to save our relationship until I realized that I couldn't protect our son anymore.  

Our relationship was riddled with physical and emotional abuse including abuse against me and our 4 dogs, but eventually I developed rock solid boundaries and when we broke up, he knew that if he stepped out of line that I would not hesitate to call the police and press charges.  Since then he has recognized his own BPD, has done some therapy and uses management techniques like mindfulness.  We co-parent together well and he asks for help from me (in appropriate ways) when he is struggling.  I am honest with when I need support (not emotional support, ever) from him and he does a good job for the most part of providing it.  As long as he doesn't become abusive, I try to be flexible and be there for him.  I like my ex-husband and despite our history, we get along well.  I dare say... .its almost a BPD success story.  Its been about a year and a half since we split... .but feels much longer.

Today I took my largest dog to the vet for issues with his backend.  His joints are a mess and riddled with arthritis.  He caught the majority of the physical abuse.  I tried hard to stop it.  Sometimes even putting  myself between them (stupid, but I did).  The last 6 months of our relationship, hurting the dogs was a non negotiable.  Long story short, the issues have to do with 2 of my 165 lb dog's vertebrae being fused together.  The vet said that it was probably an old trauma.  It dawned on me that its likely the result of the physical abuse that he suffered from my ex.

I am a different person today.  Confident, happy, working hard on myself, a stable and good mom... . 

Oh boy did the grief and the sadness and some memories of particularly bad abuse flood back.  My mind kept saying "you did not protect him.  he was YOUR responsibility."  In our house, it was triage.  First my son's physical and emotional safety... .then (generally) mine and finally the dogs.  It was a choice.  That choice had consequences.  One which will now likely cause pain the rest of my shepherd's life... .which may be short or long depending on how well he responds to the meds.  What a hard, hard pill to swallow.  My closest friend who was (and still is) the only person that knew the whole story said today in response to my guilt over this "I know that this doesn't help but at least it wasn't you or your son."  

He is right.  I know that.  I don't have horrible emotional scars... .my son was 18 months old when his dad left.  The memories of violence and instability are gone (at least from his conscious mind) and as of today he seems like a healthy and balanced kid.  Importantly he has a father who is more stable and is very present in his life (and a mom who watches like a hawk and will not hesitate to pull the plug if and when his dad comes off the rails).  

I know my dog needs a strong owner today and being guilt ridden will not help him.  I shared my suspicions with the vet (I had alluded to issues in the past) and she said, "you got your son and your dogs and you out of a bad situation.  Good for you.  Now you just make the best decisions based on the situation that you have now."

But oh my heart aches watching my dog struggle, unable to walk and I know that I need to process the hurt inside because if I don't, it will come back and bite me later... . the voice just keeps saying "you did not protect him.  he was YOUR responsibility."

It won't do any good to share any of this with my ex.  He has come a long way.  He has openly acknowledged the pain and suffering that he caused in our house and has vowed to work hard to continue to be a good dad and good ex husband to me.  Telling him about this and his likely role isn't a good idea (serves no good purpose).  He spends time with our dogs (I kept all of them) and is gentle and kind to them when he visits these days.

So I am reaching out to the community that helped me so much... .for support.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?  I am physically overwhelmed with grief and my heart hurts.  I have a migraine from crying today (my normal physical reaction to intense sadness).

Tomorrow I will put my game face back on and head back into the world.  But for tonight, I feel broken again.

[fromheeltoheal]

I hate hearing things like that.  If someone hurt either of my dogs intentionally I would kill them, end of story.

But I agree with your vet; it is what it is, there's no changing the past, except for what we make it mean in the present.  If you channel your guilt into loving your dogs that much more, both of you will benefit.  Dogs are very adaptable too, and although their physical health may be different they can still be 100% happy and content if you love them enough.  One of my dogs has one eye, she was subjected to god knows what kind of hell before I rescued her, but she's a one-eyed happy girl today, and even though her depth perception is a little lacking when she chases the ball, she's adapted and feeds that Retriever drive; that ball doesn't have a chance.

My other dog is a cattle dog and all of his vertebrae fused together, forgot what that's called, the vet blamed advanced age, and although he's a little stiff these days, no bush ever goes unsniffed in search of canine calling cards.

So love that guilt away, nothing else you can do at this point, but that's more than enough.  Curious if the dogs are wary of the abuser when he comes over or if they have forgiven him; if they have, maybe they can help you forgive yourself?

[whirlpoollife]

Our dogs have unconditional love for the ones who take care of them and that is you allibaba. They have an understanding of ourselves. 

In our first years of marriage we ended up with a dog that came with a rental . The dog was without human interaction and would growl at xh. Xh was then proud that he trained the dog to not growl at him... .by hitting him in the head with a shovel. After much displeasure about this , xh changed his story to he just gave a tap to the dog with the shovel.  I was not to question him anymore. 

Later in marriage he brought two puppies home, ( long story). Well one puppy went to a another home,

Other stayed. That dog did not like him either. Never growled at kids or myself but did to  Xh.  Healthy dog.

So xh bought a big bone for the dog. Right after this dog got seizures.  Took him to the vet, lots of tests, no X-rays. And no reason for the seizures.  Well , the dog went into a seizure and never came out it. Had to be put down.

I read everthing there was on about seizures in dogs but could not pinpoint the ones this dog had. Very rare .

I did not connect till much later ... .he was proud that he a hit dog in the head ... .big bone... alone with next dog... .dog has seizures.  I feel 100% he hit that dog hard ... enough to cause head trauma.

Later in years xh brought hime a turtle. Kept it in the dark dirty water. I begged for a heat light for it.

Xh justified not to give it one. There was no arguing allowed. The turtle died. I feel horrible for not buying a heat light for it.

I hate myself for not... .but I can say that now... being away from xh and having much more emotional strength.  Then I just lived in fear in a prison like the poor turtle. 

Two more dogs came in as pets    .xh would tease them to make them cry for long periods.  I begged him to stop it. ( not the normal tease fun with dogs) . He justifed it or ignored me. S picked up his habit but after much of my saying not to  and repetition, S does not do the mean tease to dogs.

I have the dogs now... .just as you do. You did save them from more abuse , or death, by keeping them. 

[123Phoebe]

Aw Allibaba   You've come a long way, baby!

Curious if the dogs are wary of the abuser when he comes over or if they have forgiven him; if they have, maybe they can help you forgive yourself?

Dogs are amazing and are the best empathizers and validaters in the world, no matter their response, they somehow just know... .

ExH came for visit a year or so after we divorced.  He was never physically abusive to the dogs, but said that he'd have them put to sleep before he'd let them rule his life.  His dog (before we married and I kept ), with the most even temperament, growled at him when he got too close.  It spoke volumes, without writing a novel here... .

Love your doggie with all your might, Alli

[allibaba]

My other dog is a cattle dog and all of his vertebrae fused together, forgot what that's called, the vet blamed advanced age, and although he's a little stiff these days, no bush ever goes unsniffed in search of canine calling cards.

So love that guilt away, nothing else you can do at this point, but that's more than enough.  Curious if the dogs are wary of the abuser when he comes over or if they have forgiven him; if they have, maybe they can help you forgive yourself?

The issue with my dog is that the damage has caused such a severe neurological response that he can't walk.  Since he weighs more than 160 lbs I can't carry him.  Hopefully the meds will kick in.

The dogs forgave their abuser.  They respond to the here and now.  Great advice for me.  Actually my ex called last night and he was like a happy puppy talking about a situation and how much his responses had improved.  I realized that the man I was talking to wasn't the same person as the man who did the damage.  I guess I was responding to the here and now.

whirlpoollife, what a horrible thing to live through.  My ex was violent in moments but always owned his behavior.  He had many excuses but there was never any question that he did what he did.  Sorry that you had to live through it.

I did save the dogs.  Thank you for reminding me of that.

To add insult to everything my uBPD mom is visiting and see had a meltdown this morning because she isn't the center of attention.  I had a laugh because its so clear how sick she is.  I couldn't even resent her.  Guess I have learned at least some of the lessons that I needed to learn.   

[allibaba]

Aw Allibaba   You've come a long way, baby!

Curious if the dogs are wary of the abuser when he comes over or if they have forgiven him; if they have, maybe they can help you forgive yourself?

Dogs are amazing and are the best empathizers and validaters in the world, no matter their response, they somehow just know... .

I remember your stories Phoebe123.  Wow.  And thank you.  Yes my life is totally different now.  Thanks to everyone that held me up when I couldn't or wouldn't do it myself.

Dogs are the best validaters.  Since they are so relaxed and loving toward my ex... .they have validated the situation which is that my ex is doing his darned best.

Love your doggie with all your might, Alli

More good advice.

[fromheeltoheal]

I got both of my dogs from rescue and the cattle dog is terrified of brooms.  I can only imagine what happened to him in his youth with brooms, but I just deal with it by putting him somewhere else when I'm sweeping.  Yes, he lives in the moment, valuable trait, but there is definitely a conditioned response in there from the past; probably valid for all of us but it's good to know the abuser is at least being nice to them now, and I too hope the meds work.

[allibaba]

They are happy to be around him as long as he isn't triggered.  The minute he is, they would head for the hills.  The minute he gets triggers -- I shuffle him out of the house so that is never an issue.

[fromheeltoheal]

They are happy to be around him as long as he isn't triggered.  The minute he is, they would head for the hills.  The minute he gets triggers -- I shuffle him out of the house so that is never an issue.

Yes, dogs are attuned to moods well, so are horses, makes them both awesome to be around.  I think you are a kind person and your dogs benefit greatly.